"You fucked my mom?"

"Yes."

"And you fucked Genkai?"

"Well, yes."

"Here's the million dollar question: am I going to wake up tomorrow morning and find out you fucked Keiko too? Because you're really racking it up with chicks who are important to me, and we've got two generations represented al-fucking-ready."

"Yusuke, don't get goddamn melodramatic—"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Muscles, it must be so hard for you to learn your arch-enemy is apparently a stallion of a man who's banged so many women he's actually banged your mom."

"She was a one night stand. Her father's—your grandfather's a big-time Yakuza, though I think Atsuko kept you out of that life. One of his wealthier, sleazier associates contracted me." Toguro sighed, removing his sunglasses to massage the pressure points next to his eyes, and added, "I didn't even know she got pregnant, not until I invited you to the Dark Tournament."

Yusuke sank into a chair, feeling weak and pathetic now that the sarcasm and anger had deflated.

He'd always known who his father was—a loser man who'd grown from a loser boy that his ma had the foolish misfortune to love, once upon a time. The night after the end of the Dark Tournament, when his mother had sat him down over two pints of beer and told him the truth, he hadn't believed it; had raged, shouted, and thrown things through the hotel windows, until his mom had chucked a bottle at his head to shut him up.

Then, finally, he'd settled down, and decided that having an evil reprobate father and having a loser reprobate father was much the same thing. Unfortunately, Koenma (along with half the remnants of the Dark Tournament's fighters and guests) had overheard their discussion (since neither mother nor son could keep volume control on in the best of times), and rushed to Reikai, where, upon finding out the veracity of Atsuko's claims, he'd used an ancient rule to spring Toguro from limbo and bring him back, expecting to have done so just in time for Toguro's doubts about what he'd consigned himself to for thousands of years.

The father had his son's familiar stubbornness, Koenma had realized for the first time when Toguro had actually come out, angry as a lion with a stepped-on tail about being disturbed from his eternal rest, and just as dangerous. It was only by calling him a coward for never telling Yusuke the truth that Koenma got to him, and that assertion had nearly gotten the godling killed.

So here they were, father and son, tying up some loose threads.

It wasn't going peacefully.

"Now, now, you two…" Koenma placated, a weak smile on his face.

"You stay out of this," Toguro growled, pointing an intimidating finger at Koenma, who shrank back into his chair.

"Don't you fucking talk to Koenma like that, bastard!" Yusuke yelled, despite the fact that he'd been about to snap much the same thing. "And while we're on the subject, nobody calls my ma a one night stand!"

It wasn't going peacefully at all. Bickering, blank-walling, sarcasm; Koenma just had to hope that complying with Toguro's unspoken wish would lead to some understanding.

"Urameshi, that's enough. I've said my piece—I'm done listening to you whine. Now, I'm going back to hell, where I belong."

"Go there and rot, bastard!"

Toguro took a few steps over towards the doors of Koenma's office, and stopped, indecisive.

Before Yusuke could think up a smart-aleck remark, Toguro had walked back over to him, and placed his hand on Yusuke's head, ruffling the short black hair fondly.

"Take care of yourself, boy. Don't worry overmuch about this."

Yusuke stared up at him, stunned. Then his face twisted.

"Get your hand off me, bastard!" he shouted, and swatted the massive palm away. For one moment, the untouchable Toguro looked genuinely morose—only for a moment, and it was over so suddenly the two onlookers weren't sure it had been there at all.

"My assignment is to limbo. I don't think the higher-ups will be too thrilled about you nullifying it for a paternity test, toddler."

"Sometimes, here in Reikai, if someone's done something, and the victims forgive him or her…" Koenma started, but he was cut off.

"I have many more victims than Urameshi and Genkai," Toguro grunted. "I have long lists of people I've tortured, beaten, and killed. D'you want their names? Some of them were innocents, some just children. Don't you have them already? I sent them up to meet you."

"Let me finish." Toguro, still fighting down emotion over his last few phrases, allowed the censorious tone to pass. "In these cases, according to an ancient law, the victims can wish one thing for the soul of their tormentor. It's in their hands. Genkai's given up that ability, and the next person on the list is Yusuke. If he defers, the next person gets a chance."

"Who's the next person on the list?" Toguro asked, his fist clenching.

Koenma's eyebrow rose. "Do you have to ask?"

"Fair enough."

"What the fuck?" Yusuke whispered. Both Toguro and Koenma looked at him in shock. "What the fuck?" he repeated. "Why is it up to me?"

"Yusuke," Koenma said softly.

"So now, let me get this straight, if I don't figure out one thing I can wish for the bastard, just one thing, the damn thing goes to someone who'll probably wish Toguro was immobile in a white room for all eternity, with nothing but a pink wind-up bear for company?"

Toguro blanched a little at the thought.

Koenma sighed. "Yes, something like that."

"This isn't fair. It's just not fair. After all the shit—" Yusuke was shaking with emotion, his hands opening and closing into fists. "After everything—"

"Just wish I'm back in limbo, where I belong," Toguro grunted, almost kindly.

"No!"

"Yusuke…" Koenma started.

"No! Fuck that! Fuck you getting everything you want, everything working out the way you planned! Koenma, I wish Toguro was brought to life in a new body, with only normal ningen Reiki."

Koenma smirked. "It'll take some bending of the rules, but it can be done."

"But I'm not kissing him. First of all, he's my dad. Second of all, that's gross. Genkai can do it."

Toguro was staring at him in horror. "What? Urameshi, you can't be…"

Yusuke cut him off with one hard and fast answer.

"That's son to you, bitch."

Author's Note: What has science done?

Alright, well, if you haven't read the ending of the manga this is going to make even less sense than it does. Basically, in the last few chapters we meet Yusuke and Kuwabara's fathers. Also, if you've only seen the anime Dark Tournament, in the manga, Yusuke's mother Atsuko comes along to see the fights. Of course, I'm ravishing canon with something too-large and spiked to make this story, so don't worry too much if you don't know what I'm talking about.

And I know, I know, I'm way more used to serious fics, and this one's more than slightly ridiculous, but hey. Sometimes stories want to get out, and there's nothing I can do about it. This will be an interesting one to write, at least.