Disclaimer: *sighs* Not mine, not mine, not mine . . . did I mention that they're not mine?

Okay, here's a slightly longer A/O oneshot. Enjoy!

Alex hates the cases like these, when she goes to bed at night unable to sleep, when images of molested little girls, murdered children, abused women, flash through her mind. She does all she can to drown out the pain, but nothing helps, not meditating, not alcohol, not sex, not even falling asleep in Olivia's arms.

Sometimes in her dreams, the faces of the victims are replaced with her own. Alex will wake up trembling, feeling his hands all over her again, just like when she was little. She'll be terrified, feeling for the first few moments that she's back there, in that hellhole she used to call a home. And Olivia, blessed Olivia who presses a glass of cold water to her parched lips, urging, "Drink, babe. Have some water. It's okay. It was just a dream," and holds her until she falls back into a fitful slumber.

She's never told Olivia about these dreams, not really. But she thinks that maybe Olivia understands anyway, or else she's just so highly attuned to Alex's feelings that she can just tell. Alex knows that Olivia can read her like a book, and even when she doesn't say the words aloud, Olivia hears them.

But sometimes there are things Alex doesn't want her to know, because she's ashamed. She couldn't deal with Olivia knowing about her childhood, the fear, the pain that she couldn't stop no matter how hard she begged and fought and pleaded. Not necessarily because she's afraid of Olivia's reaction, but because she's afraid of her own. She knows that if she talked about it, for the first time in twenty years, she wouldn't be able to hold back her tears. Olivia has never seen her cry, and if Alex has anything to say about it, she never will.

That's why Katie Tolliver has bothered her so much, why she's fought so hard. Because this monster took advantage of someone very, very vulnerable. He made Katie think that what he did to her was okay, that it was normal. And Alex knows exactly how that feels.

He always told her the same thing. "Shh, it's okay, Allie. This is how daddies are supposed to love their little girls. It won't hurt a bit."

It was a lie, of course, but eventually she got used to the pain. Soon it had dulled to an ache between her legs that was as familiar as it was distressing. And soon she'd trained her body to take her somewhere else, somewhere where no one could hurt her, somewhere safe. She retreated into a rich fantasyland she'd created from her books, and imagined that she was in one of them. She'd always loved books about big, happy families; these books included everything that her own family lacked, and it could all be summed up in one word. Love.

Now she's found the one thing she's longed for all her life. In Olivia, she's found a kindred spirit, a gentle soul who loves her more than anything and treats her like a princess. Alex wonders sometimes why Olivia stays, because relationships are supposed to be give and take, and it's usually Olivia doing all the giving and her doing all the taking. But Olivia doesn't seem to mind.

Tonight, she wakes up again in the middle of the night, paralyzed with fear from the nightmare, staring at a miniscule spot on the wall through widened eyes, trembling in trepidation.

Olivia stirs, notices Alex, and sits up too, gently massaging Alex's shoulders. "It's okay, sweetie. It's okay. It was just a dream."

Alex tries to say something, but she can't push the words past her lips, and Olivia understands. She tucks a few strands of stray blonde hair, damp with sweat, behind Alex's ear and kisses her forehead. "Shh, love," she says comfortingly. "It's all right."

"I –" Alex starts, then stops, because she fears she'll start crying if she tries to speak. She takes a moment, then whispers, her voice hoarse, "I'm going to shower." She suddenly feels so dirty, and she thinks that a million showers wouldn't wash away the grime. Because the dirtiness isn't on the outside. It's on the inside.

"I'll run it for you," Olivia offers.

Alex shakes her head. "It's okay."

"What about a bath?" suggests Olivia. "We could take one together."

Alex wants to, but she fears that Olivia will see the dirtiness that's emanating from her skin, from the inside out. So she mutely shakes her head. "I'm okay."

She starts to get up, but Olivia's hand on her arm stops her. "You're always 'okay,' Alex," says the detective quietly. "But you're not. You're not okay." She hesitates. "Please, Alex. You don't have to tell me what's wrong, but please, tell me what I can do to help you. Because it's breaking my heart to see you like this."

Her words pierce Alex's heart like a knife. She hasn't realized that this is what she's been doing to Olivia. She's never wanted to hurt the woman she loves. "I'm sorry –" she begins, but Olivia interrupts her, gently caressing Alex's cheek with her soft hands, sending shivers rippling down Alex's spine.

"No, Alex. I just – how can I help you? I don't like seeing you in pain."

Alex sighs. "I can't, Olivia. I'm sorry."

Olivia takes Alex's icy hands in her own warm ones. "What can't you do?"

Alex lowers her eyes and murmurs, "Talk about it."

"Okay," says Olivia quickly. "You don't have to tell me what's wrong. But please, let me help you."

Alex can't bear to look at her. She just shakes her head. "I'm going to shower."

Olivia nods, accepting this. But first, she makes sure Alex understands something. She gently lifts Alex's chin, forcing the ADA to meet her eyes. She tenderly strokes Alex's cheek and manages a wan smile. "You're beautiful, baby," she whispers, planting a soft kiss on Alex's temple. "And I love you so, so much."

And for now, it's enough.

Ah, one of those endings that doesn't really resolve anything. Hope you don't mind. Review if you liked this story!