Note: My love of crack pairings got me thinking...what about just running wild and doing a whole bunch of them? I'm not sure how many chapters this will be eventually...but let's find out, shall we?

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Chapter One: Hennifer Lopez/Kyle

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13-year-old Kyle Broflovski lay on his stomach on his bed, flipping causally through the pages of a book on String Theory he had borrowed from his little brother. The idea that the entire universe could be created out of tiny, vibrating strings of energy fascinated him. That the atom might not be the smallest entity. That a long-accepted opinion could be disproved in an instant. Kyle turned a page and gazed intently at the pen-and ink drawing of a mock-up of a string, the lines slightly blurry without his glasses Even though it was summer vacation, but Kyle had nothing to do today.

Kyle heard a babble of voices from downstairs and looked up. He recognised one voice immediately; that of his arch nemesis. He furrowed his brow when he heard the familiar creak of the front door swinging open. Cartman had probably come over to ask Kyle for money again. He had been doing that often lately. Apparently the economic downturn had affected Cartman's mother's 'business'... Kyle chuckled at the thought. Soon heavy footsteps came booming up the stairs, and in spite of his vocal and profane protest, his door swung open with a shove. Cartman stood there with a familiar face painted on his fist. Kyle rolled his eyes. Not again...

"Hello, Kyle, my name is Hennifer Lopez, I like tacos and burritos."

"Goddamn it Cartman, stop it with that hand thing."

"Oh Kyle, why you no like me?" The fat boy walked closer to Kyle and put his fist inches away from his face. Kyle swatted at it impatiently.

"What do you want, Cartman?", Kyle asked the smiling eyes on Cartman's chubby hand, "I'm not giving you money."

Cartman gave a melodramatic sigh and turned around to leave. The redhead was more than a little surprised. It was never this easy to get rid of him.

"I should have known, well c'mon Ms. Lopez, looks like we won't have any money for tacos"

Kyle clenched his teeth, why did Cartman keep insisting his hand had free will? Why did he insist on pulling this shit when he was trying to read? Why did Cartman hate him so? He was pulled out of his fuming by an argument between Cartman and his painted hand:

"But we're bothering him, Ms. Lopez!"

"But Kyle is so sexy."

Kyle blushed angrily and and tightened his grip on his book. He could see Cartman's lips moving. This wasn't funny any more...it hadn't been since they were nine.

"We have to leave!"

"just let me give him a kiss, hmm?"

"Ms. Lopez, you're being very unreasonable."

"Taco-flavoured kisses for my Kyle!"

"That's enough!", Kyle yelled, getting up from his bed and shaking his fist at Cartman and Hennifer, "Get the fuck out of my room you fat, lying fuck!"

"Oh now see, you made Kyle angry at us Ms. Lopez!"

Cartman's hand didn't seem to listening to it's owner. It shot forward closer to Kyle's face. The redhead growled as Hennifer pressed herself against his mouth, making kissing motions at his lips. This was quickly going from simply rage-inducing to just plain creepy.

"Stop this shit.", Kyle finally yelled.

"I'm not doing anything!"

"Mmm, Kyle..you taste like kosher hot-dogs.."

"Ms. Lopez, that's disgusting!"

Kyle had had enough of the fatass's mock-surprise at what his own hand was doing. He moved to push Cartman's hand away from his when it started shoving him backwards. He fell back on Ike's book and his bed, looking thoroughly bewildered. This was not normal behaviour, even for someone as feisty as Hennifer Lopez.

"Cartman! what the fu-"

"C'mon, chollo, let's have a little fun."

Before he could so much as blink, Kyle found himself pinned back against the sheets by the insistent Hennifer. She nuzzled his chest and neck and continued to make kissing motions at his skin. Cartman simply pulled the String Theory book out from under Kyle, as if this would somehow make him more comfortable.

"I don't know what's wrong, she's out of control!"

Kyle scrambled to sit up on the bed, though when he did so he found Cartman's unruly fist had slipped down his chest to his lower stomach. He glared at Cartman. Why the hell was he touching him there? The fat boy crawled up on the bed in front of Kyle, still looking shocked. His hand slipped lower down and Kyle cursed loudly. He struggled but found it impossible with Hennifer Lopez rubbing incessantly against the front of his pants.

"Get the hell off me, fatass!"

"Ooooh now Kyle..I only want to touch your sexy body..."

Hennifer unzipped the fly of the redhead's jeans and his body twitched. Kyle's recent puberty may have given him some changes he enjoyed, but this sensitivity to touch...no matter who was touching him, was proving to be problematic. Cartman looked on in what he guessed was very convincing fake shock. Kyle blushed deeply as he felt his body betray him, pushing through the fly of his underwear.

"Ms. Lopez...really."

Kyle's attempt at a yell caught in his throat. The fist was rubbing against his length slowly. He had never been touched like this. Had only done it a handful of times to himself. It was so embarrassing...Kyle always found himself stopping before he got too excited.

"Stop.", he whimpered.

"Mm no, chollo, I think you like it."

Kyle bit his lip. Cartman's horny fist now had a grasp on his penis. He tried almost half-heartedly to move away from the intimate contact, but found it impossible once more. Hennifer was now stroking up and down, pausing only to squeeze her painted lips together at the head. An involuntary moan escaped Kyle's lips. He blushed deeper. He was so exposed. Cartman was watching him.

"You..you can control everything she's duh..doing..stop it!

"You really want me to stop now?", Cartman said in his own voice, "Really?"

"Yes!", Kyle cried out.

The contact ceased immediately. Kyle's eyes shot open. It felt like his balls were going to explode. He looked down at himself, closer than he had ever been to orgasm, and then desperately back at the fat boy with a hand on his cock. It was horrible and embarrassing and so very, very wrong, but Kyle needed this- wanted this so bad right now.

"Cartman.."

"Beg me for it, Jew."

Kyle scrunched up his face. His body was shaking. It was starting to hurt.

"Nnn..p-please.."

Cartman grinned. The moment his hand returned to Kyle's aching member, his whole body shuddered. The strokes seemed to feel so much better. Tears dotted the redhead's eyelids as he cried out again and again. It felt overwhelming and scary, but really, really good.

"Tell me to go faster.", The fat boy demanded.

"Ah!..mnnff.."

"Tell me or I'll stop!", he threatened.

"Faster!", Kyle yelled, clapping his hand over his mouth when he realised how loud he had been.

Hennifer stroked faster, making Kyle pant. His toes curled. A strange feeling of pressure was building in the base of his hips. Part of him wanted to stop the weird feeling and kick Cartman's ass for torturing him like this, but stopping felt horrible. There had to be some culmination, some end...

Something was starting to come out! It hurt! It hurt so bad! The contractions running through Kyle's terrified body were pushing something out of him. He grabbed the sheets and screamed. It felt like his brain was turning to mush. Clear fluid spurted out and onto Cartman's disguised hand.

"ah..ha...mn..ah..I hate you..I hate you so much."

Cartman laughed, wiping Kyle's first release down the front of the tired boy's shirt. "You're such a tight-ass Jew, Kahl, maybe if you did that more often you'd loosen up a bit."

Kyle scowled and pulled his knees up to to his sticky chest. "Just get the hell out of my room!"

"Oh Kyle, can we be friends now?", said a dishevelled-looking Hennifer Lopez, her lipstick greatly smudged.

"NO!", yelled the angry Jewish boy, "Fuck off!"

Cartman laughed and waltzed out of Kyle's room, slamming the door.

Kyle sat on his bed for a while and sulked. That was horrible. He would never, ever forgive Cartman for violating him like that. He moved one knee away from his chest tentatively, the semen stain on his shirt making it stick. Kyle looked at his flaccid penis and gave it a little poke. He shivered. It felt so sensitive. Maybe he should do that more often.