I know it's the wrong time of year, but the Christmas-in-July parties sparked this off…

Imagine there was a Christmas somewhere between Journey's End and CoE.

"Have fun, lads," Gwen waved as Jack and Ianto stepped onto the invisible lift.

"Back before midnight," Ianto promised, already fending off Jack's hands.

"If he lasts that long," Gwen murmured indulgently, turning back to the Rift monitor.

It was Christmas Eve. And Christmas was always a volatile time. Not wise to leave the Rift unmonitored. So Gwen had offered to stay at the Hub while they went out to dinner. Then, Rift permitting, she'd be free to spend the rest of the night home with Rhys.

The streets of Cardiff were crowded with last-minute Christmas shoppers. There was always one last gift to buy, some forgotten essential for the big lunch tomorrow. Festive music spilled from the doorways as the two men passed, heads tucked into their coat collars against the chill.

"Are you sure you don't want to go to your sister tomorrow?" Jack asked tentatively.

"Not unless you're coming too," Ianto answered firmly.

Jack shook his head. "Not the right day to drop a bombshell on them."

Ianto smiled. "It never ceases to amaze me, the way you're all injured one minute that you haven't met Rhiannon, and the next you're thinking up excuses not to."

"Just waiting for the right moment," Jack insisted. "And Christmas Day is not the right moment."

"So what do you want to do instead?" Ianto asked.

Jack smirked. "I'll think of something."

"I meant," Ianto said with an attempt at dignity, though his mouth was twitching, "Something Christmas related."

"We could put a Santa pompom on your Unit cap," Jack suggested.

Ianto's retort was cut off by a collision with a shopper who hadn't seen them due to the mountain of packages she was carrying.

"I've never seen it this crowded," Ianto remarked, after they'd helped pick up the packages. "Good thing you booked a table. Don't think we'd have been able to walk in anywhere tonight. Where are we eating anyway?"

"Just over there," Jack jerked his chin.

"Swish," Ianto commented appreciatively.

"Merry Christmas," Jack responded, opening the restaurant door and ushering Ianto through with a theatrical bow.

"That's better," Ianto commented, as the door closed. The street noise cut off abruptly. Christmas music played softly through the speakers. "Noisy out there. Though we do seem to be getting carolers." He nodded at the line of musicians dressed in Santa suits, who were just filing into the restaurant.

"Bet it's quiet in London, though," Jack commented. "Given the last few years, everyone avoids it during Christmas now."

"London does seem to attract Christmas disasters," Ianto agreed. "It's the only time I'm actually glad we're based in Cardiff."

They were shown to a table near the windows. Jack gazed thoughtfully up at the stars. "I suppose the Doctor's up there heading off something else," he mused. "Maybe this year he'll stop it before it hits atmosphere. Give London a quiet Christmas for once."

Ianto didn't reply. After a few minutes the silence became heavy. Jack looked across curiously. Ianto was twisting his napkin into painful shapes.

"Something wrong?" Jack asked warily.

Ianto looked up, pasting on a smile. "Nothing," he said unconvincingly.

Jack sighed. "You're usually a better liar than that. Spit it out."

"It just occurred to me why you suggested I go to Rhiannon's place tomorrow, that's all."

Jack eyed him suspiciously. "Because I wanted to give you the chance to spend Christmas with your family. What else?"

"Well," Ianto said hesitantly, "It'd free you up to go to London and find the Doctor."

"Not this again," Jack said tiredly. "How many times have I got to tell you? I found him, he can't help me. I came back. I'm not chasing after him anymore."

"So you said," Ianto countered. "Then you ran off after him again. Left me and Gwen with a hubful of Daleks." He looked up challengingly. "I may not know exactly where I stand on your priorities, Jack, but it's at least one level down from the Doctor. And that's me being optimistic."

"Merry bloody Christmas," Jack grumbled. "I don't know why you keep bringing this up."

"I wasn't going to say anything," Ianto pointed out, snapping his menu open. "You insisted."

"Sometimes," Jack said, hiding behind his own menu, "I think you just enjoy the angst."

"I prefer the truth," Ianto said quietly. "I'd handle this better if you just admitted it."

But Jack couldn't tell Ianto the truth. Because he didn't understand it himself. This, well, call it an obsession, with a man who'd never looked twice at him- not that way at least. Who probably knew precisely how he felt and ignored it. Who he'd died for a dozen times over and never gained so much as a thank you, let alone being around when he woke up.

Jack's phoned buzzed. "Saved by the bell," he announced, sliding his earpiece into place.

"What have you got, Gwen?"

Stress had raised the volume of her voice. Ianto could hear her clearly even from across the table. "Alerts," she announced. "Dozens of them. Alien tech. Weapons. They're just appearing out of nowhere. Not the Rift."

"Details, Gwen," Jack ordered. "What the …." Ianto was tugging at his sleeve.

"Jack," Ianto said very quietly. "Those carolers? The Santas? They've got guns instead of hands."

"Gwen," Jack said into the earpiece. "We've found them. Some of them."

"On my way," Gwen said eagerly.

"Stay there," Jack snapped. "Look for a central spike. They're being controlled. We need co-ordinates. A signal frequency if you can find it."

"What are they?" Ianto asked softly, slipping his own earpiece into position.

"The Doctor calls them pilot fish," Jack answered, eyes on the Santa clad androids. "Advance forces. They're being controlled by someone – or something – else. So we deal with them first, then we find the operator. You're armed?"

"Of course." Ianto loosened his pistol in its concealed holster. Didn't want to draw it until he had to. Restaurant full of people. A panicked stampede wouldn't help at all.

Jack grinned. "Jones. Ianto Jones. Armed and dangerous on Christmas Eve. Sounds like a grab line for an action flick."

Ianto rolled his eyes. "On a date with you, Jack, everyone needs some form of self-defense." He rose casually to his feet and moved away from the table with deceptive speed. "How are we doing this?" he asked into his Bluetooth. Jack was moving too. They were already out of range of casual conversation.

"Ideally," Jack said, circling the restaurant in the opposite direction to Ianto. "We knock out the operating frequency. Disable all of them in one stroke. Gwen's working on it."

"Failing which?"

"Try not to shoot any civilians."

"Cut the quips, boys, please?" Gwen's voice sounded in their ears. "And tell me what we're dealing with?"

"Bad Santas," Jack replied. He and Ianto were in position now, at either end of the row of androids. Miraculously, it didn't appear as though any of the restaurant patrons had noticed the firearms concealed within the Santa suits.

"Santas with masks?" Gwen's voice had risen to a strained pitch.

"That's them," Ianto confirmed.

"More on the Plass, then," Gwen announced. "All around the Hub. I can see them on the cameras. What do you want me to do?"

Jack hissed with frustration. "Find the frequency they're transmitting on. Now would be nice."

"I'm trying," Gwen snapped. "But I'm not bloody Tosh, am I?"

There was no answer to that.

Whether in response to some signal, or because they'd registered the presence of the two armed men, the Santas simultaneously raised their hands. Restaurant patrons screamed and scattered as the pistols within their sleeves glittered.

They fired together. Six shots. Six Santas down. Not bad. Not bad at all.

But by now there was the sound of gunshots in the streets. The restaurant window shattered. They bolted. There was a phalanx of Santas advancing on the restaurant.

"Got it," Gwen yelled triumphantly.

"Jam the frequency," Jack ordered. A bullet whined past his ear. "Get into cover," he hissed at Ianto.

"Haven't got one," Gwen explained. "Central transmission point though."

"Send the co-ordinates and meet us there," Jack directed.

"But Jack," Gwen protested. "It's in London!"

Ianto eyed Jack speculatively as they took cover behind a dumpster. "Guess the Doctor didn't head them off after all."

They fired on the approaching force. But there were more Santas than bullets in their guns. They were forced into retreat. "Have you noticed?" Ianto asked, as they slipped into an alleyway, the metallic crunch of their pursuer's footsteps not far behind. "That they aren't chasing anyone else?"

"Maybe because we're armed?" Jack shrugged. "Not that I'm gonna test the theory by throwing the gun away." He fired off another careful shot. His target cannoned backwards into another android, taking it out too. "Two with one bullet!" he crowed. "Top that, Jones."

"Can't, I'm afraid," Ianto said regretfully, as his pistol clicked hollowly. "I'm out. Guess I can test your theory after all."

Jack jerked his chin towards the next piece of cover. Garbage bins near the end of the alley. Beyond them, escape. "Get behind those. I'll cover you."

Jack emptied his Webley into the next rank of Santas and dashed for cover himself in the ensuing confusion.

Ianto's arm was bleeding. "Just a graze," he announced before Jack could ask. "But it blows your theory. They're still after me."

Jack tucked the Webley away and drew a smaller pistol from somewhere beneath his clothes. "I don't want to know where you were hiding that," Ianto told him.

Jack grinned. "I'll hold them off as long as I can. You get back to the Hub and help Gwen jam that signal."

"But Jack…"

"That was an order." Jack's hand fastened on the back of Ianto's neck, pulling him close, crushing their mouths together in a brief and bruising goodbye. They broke apart as a bullet buried itself in the wall beside them. "Next time I see you,'' Jack said firmly, breathless from a much more pleasant reason than the danger. "We're gonna talk about priorities. Cause you have absolutely no idea. Now go."

Ianto followed orders. But the muffled scream as the Santa's bullets finally found their way into Jack's body echoed in his ears all the way back to the Hub.