Only those with grades far above average and those from filthy rich families are lucky enough to spend their time at the elite private school Wammy's House. The Wammy Host Club is where the school's handsomest boys with too much time on their hands entertain young ladies who also have way too much time on their hands; just think of it as Wammy's elegant playground for the super smart and beautiful.

~*(S)*~

"This place has four libraries," the boy uttered to himself. "You'd think one of them would be quiet." His book bag slung over his shoulder, the black haired boy closed the library door, muting the chatter on the other side to just a dull roar, and slouched off in the opposite direction. "I'm beginning to think that rich kids only come to school to have a good time." The boy stopped and read the sign above the large, ornate door at the end of the hallway. "An abandoned music room?" he whispered. "Huh. I suppose this will be the only place I'll be able to study in peace."

He turned the knob and pulled the door open, momentarily blinded by bright lights. When his eyes adjusted, he saw five boys in the fancy suit-like school uniforms gathered around an armchair. They looked like they were posing for a picture; every single hair on their heads seemed to be perfectly in place.

"Welcome to the Wammy Host Club!" the five said in practiced unison.

The black haired boy paused in doubt, and his eyes widened. "This… is a Host Club?"

"Oh wow, it's a dude," one of the guys exclaimed. He had shoulder length blonde hair and sharp, ice-blue eyes. The red head beside him wearing goggles elbowed him in the side.

"Mello, this guy's in your class, isn't he?"

"Yeah, but he's a recluse," Mello said, eying said outcast warily. "He's not very social, so I don't know much about him."

The red head gave the black haired boy a once-over, and the light bulb suddenly went off over his head. "Well, that wasn't very nice, Mel," he said with a smirk. He slid his goggles up to the top of his head, revealing bright green eyes, and bowed. "My name is Matt. Welcome to the Wammy Host Club… Mr. Honor Student."

"What?" The devilishly handsome brunet who was sitting in the armchair stood and ran appraising brown eyes over the outcast's lean frame. "You must be Ryuzaki Rue," he said, shocked. "You're the exceptional honor student we've heard about."

"How do you know who I am?" Ryuzaki asked suspiciously and took a step towards the door.

"Why, you're infamous," Matt said with a shrug. "It's not everyday that a commoner gains entrance to Wammy's House."

"'Commoner'?" Ryuzaki repeated, automatically assuming that was an insult to his appearance. (It was.)

"Yes, you must have audacious nerve to work hard enough to fight your way into our school, Mr. Rue," Matt continued, barely holding back his amusement.

"Thank you… I guess," Ryuzaki muttered.

"You're welcome!" The brown haired boy had somehow snuck up behind Ryuzaki and cut off his escape route; realizing that the door was now blocked, Ryuzaki slowly began inching away. The brunet placed an oddly feely hand on the teen's shoulder, sent him a charming smile, and crushed him into his side. "You're a hero to other commoners, Ryuzaki-san. You've shown the world that even a poor person can excel in an elite, private academy. It must be hard for you to constantly be looked down upon by others," the brunet said, wiping a nonexistent tear from his eye.

"I think you're taking this a bit too far," Ryuzaki muttered as he disentangled himself from the other boy's clutching hands.

"To think someone so intelligent would be spurned and neglected," the brunet sighed, following Ryuzaki. "But that doesn't matter now, does it? Long live the poor and all. I, Light Yagami, the president of this host club, personally welcome you to our world of prosperity!" Light threw his arms wide and paused for dramatic effect.

"I'm out of here," Ryuzaki announced and headed for the door. (He always had been an opportunist.)

Light frowned at the back of his head. If Ryuzaki wanted to play hard ball, he'd play hard ball. "I never knew the famous honor student would be so openly gay," Light stage whispered with a flirty smile.

Ryuzaki's foot faltered. He looked at the brunet over his shoulder. "Openly… what?"

"So, tell me what kind of guys you're into," Light said with an innocent smile. "Do you like the strong, wild type?" The blonde from before, Mello, stepped forward and made an effort to look even more bored than he had previously. "The adorable type?" A small albino boy who had been hiding behind Mello waved cutely and cuddled a red bear plushie to his chest. "How about the mischievous type?" A guy with shaggy, dirty blonde hair and brown, almost reddish eyes winked and sent him a mocking salute. "Or the cool type?" Matt adjusted his goggles and bowed again.

Ryuzaki took a cautious step back. "Look, it's really not like that. I was searching for a quiet place to study, but the libraries—"

"Or maybe you're into a Princely type guy like me?" Before Ryuzaki knew what hit him, Light was inches from his face, stroking his jaw and giving him bedroom eyes. "Whaddya say?" the boy purred.

Ryuzaki straightened from his slouch, revealing that he was really a good three inches taller than Light. "It's nice to meet you, but I have to be going now," he growled. He then turned and with his head held high, made for the door.

What he didn't expect, however, was for a pedestal with a precariously placed vase on top to appear out of nowhere in front of him. (He would not admit to himself that he hadn't noticed that there until he ran headfirst into it.) He watched almost in slow motion as the vase tumbled to the floor, and despite his wild grab for the handle, it shattered into a thousand pieces.

"Oh, shit," Ryuzaki gasped in horror.

"We were gonna feature that vase in an upcoming school auction," Matt said with a resigned sigh.

"Well, now you've done it, Commoner," grunted the boy with dirty blonde hair and red eyes. He walked up beside Ryuzaki to inspect the damage. "The bidding on that vase was supposed to start at one hundred thousand pounds!"

"One hundred thousand pounds?" Ryuzaki examined the vase guiltily. "I'm going to have to pay you back."

"With what money?" the red eyed boy chuckled. "You can't even afford a school uniform! What is with that grubby outfit you've got on, anyway?"

"Beyond, be nice!" the small albino boy scolded.

"Well, he does look like a homeless person," Beyond muttered.

"What do you think we should do with him, Light?" Matt asked suddenly, shooting Ryuzaki an evil grin.

"You might've heard a saying, Ryuzaki-san," Light said. He sat back in his armchair and pointed at Ryuzaki like a king declaring a new law. "When in Rome, do as the Romans do. Since you have no money, you shall pay with your body." Ryuzaki made an odd choking noise, which only spurred Light on. "This means that starting today, you're the host club's dog!"

Ryuzaki felt relieved and slightly afraid at the same time. It was an odd experience.

~*(S)*~

"Uhm… L-Light? What's your favorite song?" the girl stuttered.

"My favorite song?" Light sent her a charming smile and stroked her cheek. "Why, the one that reminds me of you, of course."

"Light, I baked you a cake today," the girl on his other side said. "Would you like to try it?"

Almost instantly, Light was there, cupping the girl's chin. "Only if you'll feed it to me, my darling."

"Oh, Light," she replied with a blush. "You're so romantic!"

"May I have a word with you, Light-kun?"

Light turned to look at the girl with short black hair who was sitting on the couch across from him. "Yes, Princess Kiyomi-chan?"

"I heard that the host club is keeping a little kitten without a pedigree," Kiyomi drawled boredly as if trying to hint that Light's charm wouldn't work on her. Little did she know that it already was.

"Well, I don't know if I'd call him that," Light chuckled. He looked up in time to see Ryuzaki slouch in with a bag of groceries, struggling to hold them using the least amount of fingers as possible. He was seriously considering balancing them on his head. "Hey, speak of the devil! Thanks for doing the shopping, little piglet," Light said with a wink. "Did you get everything on the list?"

"Piglet?" Ryuzaki repeated indignantly.

Light snatched away the bags and began rifling through them. "Hey, what's this?" he asked, pulling out a small plastic container.

"It's just what it looks like," Ryuzaki said. "It's coffee."

"I've… never seen this brand before. Is this the kind that's already ground?" Light replied in confusion.

"What do you mean? It's just instant coffee—"

"Instant?" echoed the girls surrounding them.

"I've heard of this before!" the teen crowed, holding up the container to the overhead lights. "This is commoner's coffee. You just add hot water!"

"I didn't know there was such a thing," one girl said.

"So it's true?" another asked. "Poor people don't have enough time to grind their own coffee beans?"

Matt appeared and peeked over Light's shoulder. Like a herd of cows, the rest of the host club followed. "Commoners are pretty smart, eh?" Matt said.

"One hundred grams for two pounds?" Mello read aloud. "That's a lot less than we normally pay."

"I'll go back and get something else," Ryuzaki sighed. "Excuse me for not buying you guys expensive coffee."

"No, I'll keep it." At the sound of his fangirls gasping in horror, Light send them a dazzling smile. "I'm going to give it a try. I will drink this coffee!"

The fangirls applauded with misty eyes.

"Alright, Ryuzaki, get over here and make some of this commoner's coffee."

Of course. It was foolish of Ryuzaki to think they could do something for themselves for once.

I hate all of these damn rich people, he thought moodily.

"Oh, Light-kun," Kiyomi muttered in amusement. "Now you've taken the joke too far. Your palate won't be able to stomach that crap. You don't have to drink it just because he bought it…"

But the hosts and fangirls had already left to get themselves cups. Ryuzaki frowned at her. "What was that, Miss?"

"I'm sorry," she replied with a cold smile. "I was just talking to myself."

"Ryuzaki, this coffee won't make itself," Light called cheerfully from across the room.

With a resigned sigh, Ryuzaki did as he was told; he had multiple cups of hot coffee in less than five minutes.

"Here," he grunted and shoved the last saucer at Light.

"I'm a little afraid to drink this," one of the fangirls said, gazing uncertainly into the brown liquid.

"What if I let you drink it from my mouth?" Light purred.

"O-Oh! Well then, I would drink it," the girl squeaked back.

A chorus of squeals that consisted of "so romantic" and "I wish that was me" erupted right in Ryuzaki's ear. He just rolled his eyes and took a few steps away.

This is ridiculous, he thought bitterly.

~*(S)*~

"Yeah, it was a nightmare," Matt was telling a group of girls as he played on his Nintendo DS. "It made him bolt right up out of bed!"

Mello snickered, and Near, the albino sitting in between the two, blushed and looked close to tears. "Matt, I told you not to tell anyone," he whined, averting his eyes. "It's so embarrassing…"

Matt and Mello exchanged a guilty glance.

"I'm sorry, Near," Matt whispered. His game forgotten, he grabbed Near's chin and pulled the boy closer until their noses brushed. "I didn't mean to upset you…"

"Yeah," Mello agreed softly and wrapped his arms around Near's waist. "Your face was just so adorable when it happened, we had to tell them. I'm sorry, too…"

"Matt, Mello," Near gasped, clinging desperately to their shirts. "I-I forgive you..."

Behind them, the fangirls squealed. The trio was listening intently.

"Aw, Mello and Matt are such loving big brothers!"

"In more ways than one…"

"But Near-chan is just so cute…"

"Yeah, I agree!"

"Near is definitely the most adorable."

Matt and Mello winced and simultaneously slipped two wads of cash to Near under the table. Near hid his smirk behind his plushie bear. Like taking candy from a baby.

"What are they so excited about?" Ryuzaki muttered to himself as he walked by. "I guess I'll never comprehend the female mind…"

~*(S)*~

"H-Hello, Beyond," a girl said shyly as the red eyed boy entered. "We've been waiting for you!"

"Thank you, ladies, but I'm afraid you'll have to wait for me just a moment longer," the teen replied. "I have to use the restroom. I'll only take a minute."

A little while later, Ryuzaki happened to walk by the bathroom at just the right moment and bumped into a clone of himself.

"Excuse me sir, I wasn't watching where—" Ryuzaki stopped and stared. "Beyond-kun? Is that dye in your hair? What are you doing?"

"Oh, me?" he asked casually, scratching at the itchy make up under his eyes. "Nothing. I'm just cosplaying as our favorite little bitch, y'know?" Beyond sent him a mocking smirk and ran off to join his fangirls. Ryuzaki very nearly followed and beat the living daylights out of the boy, but he figured the host club would only add the medical bills to his one hundred thousand pounds.

"What makes these guys so attractive?" Ryuzaki demanded, once again confused.

"Well, for Near, it's his adorable, child-like disposition," Matt said, walking up beside him. "Mello's is his strong and uncaring attitude with a bit of soft-and-sensitive on the side."

"Yes, I understand those two and Light-kun, but not you or Beyond. No offense, of course," Ryuzaki said and glanced at the red head out of the corner of his eye.

"None taken," Matt replied. "I'm the kind of guy who oozes confidence, and that's very important to some young ladies. Beyond, on the other hand, is the one always getting into trouble or playing pranks on someone. He's quite unpredictable. I guess it just depends on what level of spontaneity you can handle."

"Yes, but—Argh!" Ryuzaki was cut off by a plushie bear that seemed to fly at his face out of nowhere.

"Oops, sorry, Ryuzaki," Mello snickered. "Honestly, I didn't see you there!"

"Yeah, it's fine," Ryuzaki grumbled unconvincingly and picked up the bear. Near ran over and began punching Ryuzaki in the leg.

"Hey, give Kuma-chan back!" Near demanded. "He is invaluable to me!"

"It's just a regular plushie you can get at the store," Ryuzaki said, examining the bear. At the hurt look on Near's face, he quickly backpedalled. "Uh, but he is pretty cute, huh?" Ryuzaki placed the bear in Near's arms and smiled warmly for the first time since he had been going to Wammy's House.

Near paused while the light bulb above his head flickered to life. "Nah, you hold onto him while I go play, alright?" Near gave him the plushie and ran off to pretend to be mad at Mello for the sake of the fangirls.

"You'll notice that this club utilizes each man's characteristics to cater to the whims of our guests," Matt continued as if their conversation was never interrupted. "Just so you know, Light is number one around here. He's the King. His request rate is seventy percent."

"What is this world coming to?" Ryuzaki muttered, holding Kuma-chan close to his chest.

"By the way, at this speed, you'll have to work as our errand boy until you graduate to even come close to paying off your debt," Matt said with a sympathetic smile. "You can try to run if you want, but I'd like you to know first that the Yagami family employs a private police force of over one hundred officers. Do you have a passport?"

Ryuzaki's eye twitched. Suddenly lips were behind him, ghosting hot breath over his neck and giving him chills. "You're going to have to work really hard to pay off your debt to me, my little nerd." The word was breathed erotically right into his ear, and then Light licked his neck. Ryuzaki turned on the spot until he was face-to-face with his antagonizer, except he was once again standing at his full height, so the brunet had to lean back to look him in the eye.

"I'd like it if you didn't sneak up on me like that, Light-chan," Ryuzaki whispered, his nose brushing the other's. He relished the shock on Light's face once the teen realized the errand boy was using his own technique against him.

"Now you're talking," Light said with a grin. "Still, we're gonna have to give you a make over, or else girls won't look twice at you."

"I'm not trying to get girls to look at me," Ryuzaki said in frustration, taking a step back.

"Are you kidding? That's the most important thing about being a man! You have to be a gentleman and please the ladies, like me." Light posed and sent him a charming smile.

"I just don't think it's all that important." Ryuzaki shrugged and looked away. "Why should I care about appearances and labels anyway? All that really matters is what's on the inside, right? I'm still struggling to understand why you even have a host club like this."

Light stared at him with wide, brown eyes. "It's a cruel reality, isn't it?" he whispered. "It's not often God creates a perfect person like moi, both beautiful inside and out."

"…What?"

"I understand how you feel, since not everyone is as blessed as I am," Light said with a tragic sigh. "But you must console yourself of course, otherwise, how would you go on living?"

There's a word to describe people like this guy, Ryuzaki mused, completely ignoring Light's rant on beauty that was really one big, long bragging session in disguise. Hmm… I wish I could remember that word. A pain in the neck? No. It's on the tip of my tongue… oh, it fits him perfectly, I just forgot what…

"And most importantly, Ryuzaki," Light said as he came to stand in his errand boy's personal space. "You have to remember how alluring a glance from the side can be." With that, Light tilted his head just so and gazed up at Ryuzaki through his eyelashes. It was a look that would have made even the straightest guy melt into a puddle of goo.

Too bad Ryuzaki wasn't listening.

"Aha! Got it!"

"What? Did I strike a chord?" Light purred.

"Obnoxious," Ryuzaki said cheerfully. Light flinched and turned away. "Uh… Light-kun?" Ryuzaki was horrified to see tears gathering at the corners of Light's eyes. "I'm sorry, Light-kun," he said, hating himself for being a softie. "I was wrapped up in my own thoughts there. Your speech was kind of interesting, though… I guess…"

"Really? It was?" Light was back full force, beaming at him happily. "Well, in that case, let me tell you more, my good friend!"

"Sure got over that quick," Ryuzaki mumbled.

"You can teach him all you want about hosting, but he's never going to get anywhere with the ladies looking like that," Beyond said, examining the boy with a critical eye.

"Maybe if we put him in a school uniform?" Matt suggested innocently.

"No," Ryuzaki said in horror, but he was ignored, as usual.

Light snatched Kuma-chan from Ryuzaki's arms and snapped a finger at Beyond, who was still in costume. "You! Go get him into a uniform!"

"Yessir, boss." Beyond grabbed Ryuzaki by the arm and dragged him, kicking and screaming, towards the changing room.

"Matt, call my hair stylist!" Light continued. "Mello, my make up artist, if you'd please."

"What can I do, Light?" Near asked excitedly.

"Uh… go play with your Kuma-chan?" he said and handed over the plushie.

Near, realizing he got the short end of the stick, blew Light a raspberry and ran off to pout somewhere.

~*(S)*~

"Here, change into this," Beyond said, holding up a brand new uniform.

"What?" Ryuzaki gasped. "Why?"

"Don't ask questions!" Beyond threw the uniform down on a nearby bench and tackled Ryuzaki to the ground. He pinned the boy beneath him, attacked the poor teen's clothes, and managed to get his shirt over his head before Ryuzaki kicked him right in the face and sent him crashing into the wall.

Ouch. That hurt.

"Okay!" Ryuzaki shouted, very close to losing his cool. "Fine, whatever, I'll put on the stupid uniform, but you have to get the hell out!"

Beyond noticed how Ryuzaki was holding his shirt over his upper right arm protectively, and the cosplayer's mental light bulb flashed into existence.

"Alright," he said easily with a smirk. "Have it your way, but I bet Light would be willing to help you undress if you prefer him over me?"

"Get. Out."

"Don't get your panties in a knot, God."

"I'm flattered, but I prefer to be called 'Ryuzaki.'"

Holding back a laugh, Beyond picked himself up, dusted himself off, and exited with whatever dignity he had left.

~*(S)*~

"Aren't you done changing yet?" Light demanded impatiently.

"Are you really sure it's okay for me to keep this uniform?" Ryuzaki called.

"Yes, yes, a million times yes!" Light growled.

"Just get out here so Light can ogle you already," Matt snapped. He was bored, and he really wanted to get back to his video game.

There was a sigh, and then the curtain was pulled back. The person on the other side was hardly recognizable. A tall, lean man in a dashing suit stood before them, thick black curls framing his face. His deep grey eyes (that were no longer underlined by dark bags, thanks to a little make-up) made him appear mysterious, while the perfectly-fitting uniform left little about his subtly muscular frame to the imagination.

"Guys?" Ryuzaki called. "Guys, are you okay? Light? Light-kun? You're all drooling…"

"He's… so… hot," Light choked out, struggling to control his breathing.

"Like a supermodel," Near agreed.

"If we'd known you'd look like this, we would've helped you out sooner," Mello said. He and Matt exchanged grins.

"Who knows? Maybe he'll draw in more customers," Beyond said.

"It seems our errand boy is moving up the ranks," Light mumbled, picking his jaw off the floor. "Starting today, you are an official member of the host club! I will personally train you to be a first rate host. If you can get one hundred customers to request your service, we will completely forget about your debt!"

As long as you stay in that uniform, Light thought dreamily.

Ryuzaki's eyes widened. "I'm… a host now?"

~*(S)*~

"So, tell me, Ryuzaki," the fangirl said. "Do you have any hobbies? What do you like to do?"

"I'm curious. What kind of products do you use on your skin?" another asked.

"Yes! It's so pretty!" the third gushed.

I can't do this anymore, Ryuzaki thought desperately. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do!

"Why did you join the host club, Ryuzaki?" they asked in unison and then giggled.

Ryuzaki stayed silent for a moment. All I have to do is get one hundred girls to request me. Therefore, I must appeal to the female psyche. I feel an idea coming on. He was under strict orders not to, but…

"I'm sorry, I can't think like this," Ryuzaki said, allowing a hint of stress to color his words. He kicked off his shoes and socks, pulled his legs up to his chest, and hugged them tightly. "This is the only way I can feel comfortable while sitting due to a back problem I have," he explained. He looked up at the girls from under his eyelashes. "I-I really hope you don't mind… Light-senpai said I wasn't supposed to sit like this because it might scare you off…"

The girls blushed and exchanged glances. "Oh no, of course we don't mind!" one of them exclaimed. "We don't want you to be uncomfortable. Besides, you look so cute like that!"

"Yeah! You want us to harass Light for you?" the second one asked eagerly.

"What kind of back problem is it, you poor thing?" the third cooed, sending him a sympathetic smile.

Ryuzaki hid his smirk behind his knee. He'd have them eating out of his hands in no time.

"It's from a spinal injury I got when I was younger. It hurts to stand up straight."

"How did you get hurt?" the first girl asked in concern.

"Well, as you might have known, I'm an orphan," he began.

"No!" the girl gasped. "We had no idea!"

"Yes, my parents died in a fire when I was five," Ryuzaki explained, hiding his face shyly. "My father threw me from a third story window in an effort to save my life. I lived, obviously, but I was just five years old and therefore was not experienced enough to know how to break my fall. I landed hard and broke a few bones, so at first, the doctors didn't notice my spinal cord injury until it was too late to do much about it."

"What happened after that?" the second fangirl asked with teary eyes.

"Later that year, I was adopted by a nice older gentleman whom I now love like a second father." At this point in his story, Ryuzaki rested his chin on his knee and smiled wistfully. "He was close to retirement, so I worked to earn us both money ever since I was eight years old."

"Oh, how sad!" the third girl sobbed. "Who does the cooking and cleaning around the house now?"

"I do the cooking, and my father does the cleaning," Ryuzaki said with a small grin. "I love baking cakes especially. It's so fun decorating them… It's like a work of art almost. It makes me happy to see my father enjoy the dishes that turn out well, too, and the ones that don't end up so good, we find out what I did wrong, and I try to remember it next time. Cooking is one big learning experience, really."

"Uhm… do you think it would be okay… if we requested to sit with you again tomorrow?" the first fangirl asked, blushing happily.

Ryuzaki blinked in surprise. "Yes, I'd really appreciate that, ladies," he said and sent them his warmest smile. "Only if my odd habits don't bother you, of course?"

"O-Oh no, not at all!"

"No way!"

"It's kind of hot…"

"Why the hell is he so popular?" Light demanded from where he was spying on Ryuzaki behind a couch.

"He's a natural," Matt said with a shrug. He hadn't bothered trying to hide, seeing as this was their host club and they could spy on someone if they damn well wanted to.

"No training needed," Mello agreed with some sort of grudging respect for the black haired boy.

"Have you forgotten about me, Light-kun?" Kiyomi called daintily. Light was there in the blink of an eye, his arm around her shoulders and his attention focused solely on her.

"Oh no, of course not, my princess!" he cooed. "I'm just a little concerned about our newest host is all."

"Well, that's obvious, Light-kun," she said with a smirk. "You sure have been keeping a close eye on him."

"I have to," Light insisted. "I'm training him to be a gentleman like me. Watch!" Light snapped his fingers at Ryuzaki, interrupting the giggles of the boy's three new fangirls. "Ryuzaki-chan! Could you come here for a moment?"

"What is it, Light-chan?" Ryuzaki asked innocently as he made his way over (much to the three fangirls' disappointment.)

"I'd like you to meet someone," Light said, motioning towards the girl beside him. "This is my regular guest, Princess Kiyomi Takada."

This is the girl from before, Ryuzaki thought with a gnaw on his thumbnail. I guess I should try to charm her too, seeing as I am a host now and all. Ryuzaki bowed slightly and sent Kiyomi an adorable smile. "Hello, Takada-san. It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Oh my gosh, that was too cute!" Light squeaked, and his face turned a bright red. The brunet launched himself at Ryuzaki, latched onto the boy's shirt, and began cooing about how attractive the teen was. Kiyomi and Ryuzaki shared a brief moment of shock before the black haired boy tried prying Light off of him. "You're going to be such a good host," Light babbled happily. "An awesomely good host! Amazingly good. Spectacularly good! Oh, I am such a great teacher!"

"Hey, Light, leave the poor guy alone," Mello said, having left his table of fangirls out of concern for the boy. "You're gonna strangle him or something."

"Don't worry, I got it," Ryuzaki grunted. Without another word, he bent backwards, brushing off Light's embrace in the process, did some sort of fancy flip-thing, and landed on his feet in a fighting stance.

Mello had seen that stance before, and the light bulb above his head lit up in response. "Yeah, you got it," he said dismissively and went back to his fangirls.

"Oh, come on, now," Light said, pouting. "You didn't have to go that far, Ryuzaki-chan. Come here and let your daddy give you a big hug!"

"I already have a dad. I don't need another one," Ryuzaki growled and headed towards his guests again.

No one noticed Kiyomi slipping out into the hallway.

~*(S)*~

"How'd my bag get into the pond?" Ryuzaki asked under his breath. He was in his room, staring out an open window at his soggy books below. "I didn't think there would be bullies at this school."

Ryuzaki turned and ran for the front exit to retrieve his things. As he passed the host club's music room, he noticed Kiyomi Takada loitering beside an ornate pillar. He paused, debating on whether he should approach her or not, when she spoke.

"Ah, it's you again," she said with a smirk. "I bet you love Light-kun fawning all over you like that, but it's useless trying to win his affections. To him, and everyone at this school, you will always be a second class citizen." Without giving him the chance to respond, she walked away.

I've got a feeling that girl was the one who threw my bag in the pond, Ryuzaki thought as he jogged outside. He spent the next fifteen minutes with his pants legs rolled up, fishing around for his books in the knee-deep water. I can't be bothered with her right now, though. I have to find my laptop, or else I'm as good as dead.

"Hey, commoner," someone shouted. "You've got some nerve, skipping out on the club like that. And why is your bag all wet?"

Ryuzaki spared Light a glance but soon went back to hunting for his computer. "It's nothing," he said and then whispered to himself, "I just can't find my laptop." Light heard him, however, and before Ryuzaki knew it, the brunet was wading out into the water, also barefoot. "Hey, you don't have to do that," Ryuzaki said, frowning. "You'll get wet, too."

"A little water never hurt anyone," Light replied dismissively. "Besides, people are always telling me I'm dripping with good looks."

Ryuzaki paused. Maybe Light-kun isn't such a snob after all, he thought. Or is he just putting on another show, like he does with all of those girls?

"Hey, is this what you're looking for?" Light yelled as he hauled a muddy laptop from the water. "What's wrong? You're staring off into space." Light approached, once again invading Ryuzaki's personal bubble with a charming smile. "You're not falling for me, are you?" the brunet asked quietly.

"No," Ryuzaki grunted, snatching his laptop back. "In your dreams, Yagami."

Light glanced up at the open window. He shaded his eyes from the sun and barely made out the figure of a woman standing in the shadows. "How did your bag end up in the pond anyway?"

~*(S)*~

"I guess I must have dropped it out the window," Ryuzaki said, curled up in his chair.

"Oh, that must have been embarrassing," Kiyomi said with fake sympathy as she sipped her tea. "I can't imagine what I'd do if that happened to me. And you made Light-kun search that dirty old pond with you! How astonishing. You do realize he's a blue blood and not a commoner, right?" she said, sending him a nasty look. Ryuzaki wondered why she requested him if she didn't like him. "The only reason he's even paying any attention to you is because he's trying to turn you into a gentleman, y'know. Don't think he cares about you just because he's doting on you."

Ryuzaki blinked in surprise. "Now I understand," he whispered. "You're jealous of me, aren't you?"

There was a tense silence. In one swift motion, the table was upturned, tea spilling across the carpet, and Ryuzaki was flung on top of Kiyomi, who fell out of her chair and screamed.

"No, Ryuzaki, leave me alone!" she wailed. "Please, someone help! This man just attacked me! Teach this commoner a lesson," she sneered. Beyond walked by with a pail of water and dumped it on them. "What did you do that for?" Kiyomi growled, glaring.

Ryuzaki crawled off of her and sat back to glare at the soggy woman. He shook his head like a dog, showering her further. Light walked over and helped Kiyomi to her feet.

"Light-kun, please do something," she sobbed, cuddling into his chest. "Ryuzaki just assaulted me!"

"I'm very disappointed in you," Light said softly and glanced at Ryuzaki. "You threw his bag into the pond, didn't you, Kiyomi-chan?"

"What?" she screeched, reeling back. "Of course not! Do you have any proof?"

"Y'know, you're a beautiful girl," Light muttered. "But I'm afraid you aren't classy enough to be our guest. If there's one thing I know…" Light stepped away and offered Ryuzaki a hand and a smile. "It's that Ryuzaki is not that kind of a guy."

Ryuzaki grinned, took the hand, and got to his feet. Kiyomi glanced between the two incredulously.

"Why, Light? You idiot!" she yelled and promptly burst into tears. The host club members stepped aside as she ran away, sobbing.

Light sighed and leaned flirtatiously into Ryuzaki's chest. "Now, how am I going to punish you?" he mused. "It is your fault, after all. I've got it! Your quota is now one thousand requests!"

Ryuzaki made an odd choking noise and shoved Light away from him. "One thousand?"

"I have high expectations for you, my little rookie," Light said with a smile. "Matt, get Ryuzaki something dry to wear."

"Sorry, but this is the only spare uniform we have," Matt said, handing over a plastic bag with a snicker. "It's better than a wet one though, right?"

"Yeah, whatever," Ryuzaki muttered, too tired to look in the bag. He slouched off behind the changing curtain. "Thanks, guys. I appreciate it."

"Oh! I'll get him some towels!" Light exclaimed and ran off.

"He just wants to see Ryuzaki naked," Matt stage whispered to Mello, who nodded in agreement.

A few minutes later, Light nearly ripped the changing curtain off in his excitement. "Oh Ryuzaki, I have some towels for you," he sang and skipped in without any warning. Ryuzaki, who was soaking wet and had on nothing but a clinging pair of pants, whirled around to face Light, forgetting the calligraphic 'L' tattoo on his right arm in his panic. Light's eyes were instantly drawn to the black ink on Ryuzaki's pale white skin.

Finally, the last of the five light bulbs flickered to life, and together, they formed one big L-shape.

"Ah… Ryuzaki-sama," Light said weakly, pointing at the tattoo. "So you… are L?"

Ryuzaki slapped a hand over his arm and stared at Light in horror; that was all the answer he needed. Light's eyes rolled back in his head, and he fainted. Thankfully, Ryuzaki jumped forward and caught him before he could hit the floor.

"Light? Is everything okay in there?" Matt called, peeking through the curtains. He saw a wet, half naked Ryuzaki carrying a limp Light, and he cheered. "Mello, c'mere! You'll never believe this! Light-o is getting it on with L!"

"Seriously?" Mello yelled back. "Oy, I wanna see!"

"Then get your fat ass over here before they stop," Matt snapped.

Ryuzaki rolled his eyes and carefully laid Light down on the changing room bench. "I think Light-kun—"

The curtain was thrown open and the entire host club barged in. "Oh my God, they are getting it on!" Near squealed.

"Haha, awesome," Beyond said with a creepy smile.

"Are you quite finished?" Ryuzaki snapped, glaring at them.

The four instantly quieted down. L was the world's greatest detective and the adopted son of Quillish Wammy, who happened to be the billionaire founder of Wammy's House. L had a reputation here (hell, all over the world), and now that he could openly use that power he held over the members of the host club, they had no idea if he would be kind about it or not. In other words, the Ryuzaki kid (who was really not a teen, but a young man of twenty-five years) that they had been forcing to act as their 'errand boy' could have gotten them expelled from school with just a single phone call.

"Sorry, L," Matt said quietly.

"Please don't apologize." Ryuzaki—or L—looked away and placed a finger on Light's wrist to feel his pulse. "I think Light-kun fainted."

"Why?" Beyond asked. "Was your hotness too hardcore for him?" Near elbowed Beyond in the side.

"I'm appalled that you would ask such a question," L snapped, looking insulted. Beyond mentally kissed his ass goodbye. "As any decent person would assume, Light-kun fainted at the sight of how well-endowed I am. Please, Beyond-kun, watch you tongue, and be glad I put on pants before you arrived."

Instantly, all of the tension drained out of the room and Mello and Matt collapsed into giggle fits.

"Ow, it hurts to laugh," Matt gasped from where he was writhing on the floor, tears in his eyes.

"Oh my God," Mello choked out between fits of laughter, pounding his fist against the wall. "Aha—ouch, can't—breathe!"

Near glared at L. "You jerk. I thought you were about to strangle us or something."

"Yeah, I was going to throw myself out the nearest window," Beyond said, pouting.

"Not my fault you jumped to conclusions," L muttered with a shrug. "I don't know why you would think I'd act any different around you now that you know I'm L. Speaking of which, how did you all figure out my identity?"

"I hacked into some top secret files," Matt said, picking himself off the floor. "The FBI has some pictures of you leaving a hotel in which L was reportedly staying, at the same moment L was said to have checked out. They narrowed it down to you and a few others who left around the same time you did."

"Ah, thank you, Matt-kun," L said with a gnaw on his thumb. "Remind me to erase those later."

"You're welcome. Also, I never honestly believed that a dirt poor person could have an IQ high enough to get into Wammy's without being famous worldwide for something."

L raised an eyebrow. "You don't have much faith in people, do you?"

"I heard that L often donated a lot of money to orphanages around the world, but mostly here in England," Near said with a sheepish smile. "I guessed that L must either really like kids or have a soft spot for orphans; the latter implies that L was an orphan himself or is very close to someone who lost their parents. When I was talking to you about Kuma-chan a few days ago, you acted like you wanted me to like you, but you didn't know how to go about doing it. The story you told those girls before fits in with my orphan theory, too."

"You're actually pretty smart," L commented with surprise that could have been interpreted as an insult.

"I may look ten years old, but I'm actually fourteen," Near explained. "I skipped a grade."

"I caught a glimpse of the tat' of L's trademark symbol when I was undressing you," Beyond said bluntly. "That makes me feel kind of bad, because I didn't do any investigative work. I just cheated shamelessly."

L nodded and looked at Mello. "What about you?"

"I recognized your martial arts from before," Mello said with a grin. "Capoeira, right? My cousin Naomi practices that. She says it's some sort of Brazilian defensive thing for women to avoid getting raped." (Beyond failed to stifle a laugh at that.) "L solved a local case a few weeks ago by identifying the crook by her Capoeira moves. I assumed that L probably knew a lot about the art."

"You people are more observant than I thought," L sighed.

"Now it's our turn," Matt said, grinning. "If you're twenty-five, and you've obviously graduated high school already, why are you here?"

"Father—Mr. Wammy—he wanted me to 'make friends,' whatever the hell those are," L said with a roll of his eyes.

"We're your friends, right?" Near asked. The other three looked on with hope filled gazes.

"I suppose so," L said, uneasily sidestepping the subject. "There is one problem, though. If I tell my father that my identity has been discovered, he'll want me to cease attending Wammy's House."

"We can keep a secret," Matt insisted. "Besides, you did exactly what he told you to do, so I see no reason for you to leave."

"I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but how is he going to keep up his detective work if he lives here?" Mello asked.

"Don't worry, I've been solving cases on my laptop," L said.

"Didn't it fall in the pond and get all muddy?"

"Yes, but it's still in working order, and I can always get a new one, so—"

"Wait a minute!" Beyond exclaimed suddenly. "Then what about the cheap coffee you bought? And you told those girls that you and Mr. Wammy cook and clean yourselves. Last time I checked, you're supposed to be dirty-stinking-rich!"

"We are," L said with an amused smile. "Not everyone spends money like there's no tomorrow."

There was a shocked silence as everyone let this soak in. Near cleared his throat in an effort to break the awkward atmosphere.

"You never answered my question," the albino hinted.

L sighed. "Near, I really don't think it's best that—"

"Cut the crap, L," Near snarled. The room went silent, and everyone looked at the adorable boy in surprise. "Are we good enough to be your friends or what?"

"Do you really want to know?" L whispered. The four nodded worriedly. "Okay, then I'm going to be completely honest here. You guys are the nicest people I've met at this school so far, even if you are lacking a bit in the sanity department. Of course you're my friends."

The hosts cheered and pulled L into a group hug.

"Strangling—can't breathe," L gasped painfully and tried to pry the psychos off of him. The hosts broke away at the sound of a disgruntled moan.

"Ugh… Mommy?" Light whined and sat up, rubbing his head. "What's going on?"

"Light-kun? Are you feeling alright?" L asked, leaning over the brunet with a worried expression.

Light jumped and looked up at him in surprise. He once again zeroed in on the tattoo, squeaked, and fell off of the bench. "A-Ah! L, I-I'm so sorry! Please, I didn't know... You don't owe us anything, of course!" He laughed nervously. "We'll replace the vase ourselves, don't worry—"

"Would Light-kun kindly shut the hell up?" L interrupted. Light clapped a hand over his mouth, blushing. It'll take some time to get use to this strange new authority I have, L thought. "I was just talking to the others about this; I don't really care if you recognize me as L or not. I'd like for you hang out with me because of my natural good looks more that I would for my position as L, and you all know how I hate outward appearances. Therefore…" L took a deep breath, offered Light a hand, and smiled shyly. "I'd like to stay in the host club, if that's okay with you, Mr. President?"

Light stared up at him with wide eyes. Slowly, he reached up and took L's hand. Once he was back on his feet, he stepped away and nodded. "Of course it's okay with me," Light said. "You are our second most popular host now, after all."

"And his decision to allow you to stay is not influenced at all by his feelings toward you," Matt commented.

"Oh no, of course not," Mello agreed. "That would be unprofessional. As we all know, Light is the epitome of professionalism."

"I do, however, think it has a little bit to do with your awesome body," Beyond said, running his eyes over L's frame appreciatively.

"Shut up," L and Light shouted in unison. They glanced at each other and blushed.

"You should probably put on clothes or something," Light suggested quietly. (Beyond whined in disappointment.) He picked up his forgotten towel and draped it over L's damp shoulders.

"Eh, yeah, sounds good, thanks," L mumbled. He grabbed the plastic bag Matt gave him, dumped the dry uniform out onto the bench, and stared in horror.

Matt, Mello, and Beyond doubled over in laughter.

It was a female's uniform.

~*(S)*~

Near's bear is based on a plushie I have, which is based on the bear owned by Maki, the little girl L runs around with in L: Change the WorLd. The only difference is that Maki's is pink. Kuma means Bear in Japanese, by the way.

Beyond has blonde hair because I didn't want him to be a clone of L straight off. (Also, the kid shown in the Death Note: Rewrite 2 that everyone seems to think is BB has dirty blonde hair.)

I used the "Adorable" type instead of the "Lolishota" type because Wammy's House is in England whereas "Lolishota" is Japanese. I just felt it fit better with the setting. Notice that I tried to keep the '-kun's and the '-chan's limited to the characters that definitely have Japanese backgrounds; Light, L, and Takada.

MattxMelloxNear - Yes, they're 'brothers,' only considered so because of their close relationship, of course. Near is the pimp of the group. They had a bet going on who could win over the most fangirls. OF COURSE Near had to kick their asses. He's NEAR. Duh.

I'm not quite sure it's possible for a kid to have a serious spinal cord injury and a bunch of doctors don't notice. Use your imagination? Or pretend L is making up the back thing to gain sympathy/have an excuse to slouch?

I didn't put this in the DN-OHSHC crossover category because it's not really a crossover. It's just DN peeps in a similar situation as OHSHC peeps. Yeah. Fo' seriously.

I'm not sure if I should continue this. I'd really like to Death Note-ify more of Ouran High School Host Club, but it would take forever… unless, of course, I do only certain scenes instead of whole episodes. Then again, the OCD perfectionist in me would claw my eyes out.

…Still. Shadow King Episode, here I come~! If you have any other particular scenes you'd like to request, I might actually get off my ass and do some SRS BSNS writing for you guys. I doubt it, though.

PS: Tell me what parts of my story you thought needed work or didn't flow well so I can focus on my weak areas. I'd really appreciate it.

~*(S)*~

EDIT: Thanks to Alois Phantomhive for pointing out that I failed to explain how L got his tattoo. Major oversight on my part. My bad. D: Here is my lame explanation of L's history:

The original idea was that L's parents were also famous for detective work and were just as secretive as L, so when their house burned down, all of their records and such went with it. He had the tattoo almost since his birth, probably because his parents went by letters and wanted L to follow in their footsteps or something, but I haven't thought it through that far yet. Anyhow, he goes into state custody, but all they know about him is that he answers to L and says his name is Lawliet, which was probably his real first name. So they just renamed him L Lawliet. In other words, I needed something to move the plot along. (: