All right, please don't kill me.

This is going to be pretty lame and I apologize in advance. It's just I should have thought this through more thoroughly, I'm very very sorry for the time it took again.

A big thanks, chocolate chip cookies and hot chocolate for everyone who reviewed up until now and on the table here I put some more, in case there is someone who wants to comment on this chapter as well. I'll add a comment in the end, commenting more thoroughly on this. I've kept you from reading more than long enough.

LG

Ina

So, really, how the hell are you supposed to get someone to realize he's awake?

First off, he is awake, yes, but he thinks he's dreaming. As if a dream could ever be as real as this cruel world. As if a dream could ever hurt as much. As if … yes, as if.

I wonder why it is me that makes him think he's dreaming and not one of the million things out there. Me. His … his what, exactly? What am I to him these days? I think up until a few weeks ago I was nothing, a memory – at best. Then I got real again, talking to him on a rooftop, the stars shining brightly above us. Now I am no more than a nightmare. At least I think that's what I am to him these days.

I would love to wake him up. To make him see, but everything I conjured in my mind didn't work. Not up until now, that is. I've seen him in his asylum, once. I went to the doctor, told him to let me try to make him see he doesn't sleep and miraculously enough he let me. Not that it helped. Standing before that room of his my mind had been racing, coming up with hundreds of ides every minute. Upon opening the door it was like my mind was a black screen. No ideas left. Just that picture of him lying in a hospital bed, looking at me like I was a ghost. I had no idea what to say to him anymore, no way of making him understand. Since then, weeks have passed. Slowly, agonizingly.

I talk to the psychiatrist and my therapist every day now. My diary empty except for that first entry, because that's all there is to say. I can't put the agony in words. I don't even want to. Though, over the past few days of talking to both my therapist and his psychiatrist, we developed an idea. Shuichi thought he was dreaming, because I had been nice to him – or something like that – so wasn't the logical consequence to not be nice to him, so that he recognizes that he's awake?

I voiced that idea to his doctor and he agreed with me that it would be worth a try. I feel stupid for not coming up with that idea before, it's so simple! And I am no stupid person – at least I like to think I'm not. Whether that idea actually works is yet to be determined.

That feeling that is creeping up my back, that's fear. I know it by now and I can't help but acknowledge it as what it is. Lying to myself never helped, so I try not to be in denial as much as before. It cost me Shuichi once, it's not going to cost me this price again. Not if I can help it.

Yawn. Eugh. Lights. Bright lights. They sting in the eyes. Hurts. And everything is white. Again. Is there someone in the room? Blink. Sniff. Oh, familiar scent, familiar cologne. Belovéd cologne. Breathing, there's breathing. There's warmth creeping up my face. He's here. He's here. He's here. He. Of all people.

Shuichi, whose sleep was rapidly fading, could almost taste the air now. He knew, intimately, how the skin this cologne was applied to would taste. God, did he miss that taste. Why was he here?

"You're awake."

A statement of fact. Ice creeping up Shuichi's back. Oh yes, that was familiar territory. Too familiar.

"I am." He simply answered. The ice in the voice at once telling him that the dream was finally over. He would have loved to spend some more time in the illusion of being loved by him, but illusions weren't real. He had to live in the reality. Had to. Shame, really.

"Why am I here?" Shuichi asked after a minute of silence. He didn't look at him. It hurt his heart just to think about the image of him.

"Car accident. You had a concussion, strange dreams and such. You only just woke up."

"Why are you here?" Shuichi went on with his questions. The 'car accident'-idea not entirely satisfying his needs to know, simply because there were fragments of places and fragments of … and they were unpleasant as hell, he wouldn't dream stuff like that up, would he?

"Tohma's orders. Said you shouldn't wake up alone and stuff like that. Though why he wanted me here, I have no idea. Had nothing better to do, though, so…"

Yea, that sounded like Yuki. At least a little. He wanted to cry. Had he really dreamed all that? The part on the skyscraper where he'd heard the words 'I love you' out of his mouth for the very first time? God, he hoped not. But then again, Yuki was as cold as ever. Typical. But at least this was real.

"So, what now? When do I get to see Hiro and when do I get to go home?" Home. Where exactly was that these days? He couldn't go back to Ryuichi. He was with … yes. Shuichi was on his own. What a great way to start off after having an accident.

"I'll fetch a doctor and you can ask him." Yuki said, leaving the room

Stepping out of the room, Eiri all but collapsed on the floor, sobbing out his relief. He was back. He was back, he was back, he was back. He could try and actually get him back now. He didn't believe he was dreaming anymore, though he had no idea how this had worked. He thanked every higher being he could think of for this display of generosity. It had taken all his self-control not to repeat his earlier mistake.

Now Eiri was shaking almost violently, his body trembling with the sobs he desperately tried to keep to himself, but it was no use. He was too happy, too worried, too overwhelmed to stop weeping now. The doctor, who had been sitting in a chair outside the room, observing everything helped Eiri back to his feet and into a chair. The question if he could get Eiri anything was answered with a slow shake of Eiri's head. Nothing would help him now. Well, nothing the doctor could get him, anyway. "Check on him please." He said in a hoarse whisper. God he was pathetic.

The doctor slipped into Shuichi's room and closed the door behind him, leaving Eiri alone with his feelings, his thoughts and, most of all, his pain.

Oh, this was painful. Watching. Putting the façade back in place he had so desperately worked for to get rid of. He couldn't go in there, not like this. Not when he had been crying. Not when his hands were wet from the tears that had started soaking his shirt. He needed … needed to tell people. With shaky hands he fetched his cell from his pants' pocket, typing in a message to Tohma – talking wasn't good right now – that Shuichi had woken up, that he should send Hiro and Fujisaki over, that he should visit him himself, that he should tell Ryuichi Sakuma and Tatsuha and Shuichi's mother that Shuichi was going to be fine again.

About half an hour later, Tohma stood in front of Eiri and told him that there was a cab waiting for him outside the building. He was grateful, got into the cab and arrived home when the sun had reached its zenith. He contemplated sleeping, writing, coffee and eating. He hadn't had a decent meal in weeks. Then again, he hadn't slept soundly in weeks, either. He opted for coffee, something to eat and his laptop, in that order. He knew that even if this way of 'waking' Shuichi actually worked – which had yet to be determined – he needed to be patient now. And patience was not exactly his strongest suit right now.

"Focus on the goal. Focus on what you'll lose if you rush things now and what you'd gain if you're patient." He murmured silently, to remind himself that everything but patience was misplaced here. Nothing would help him right now. He needed to … well, keep himself occupied. And his laptop was the best way to achieve that, if he thought it through. Yes, in the past it hadn't necessarily worked out, but he needed to write something, anything. Writing had always helped him to stay calm, well, if Shuichi wasn't in the room, that is. Because with Shuichi in the room he couldn't write. Shuichi's presence distracted him in a way he didn't want to be true. Because that was a weakness. And Yuki Eiri didn't like weaknesses. Hadn't he should say. Because that one weakness he would be glad to have back. that one distraction that in retrospect had proven to be more of a muse than an actual disturbance he wanted back. And right now that required patience.

Stupid regulations.

Stupid torturing bastards.

Stupid world.

He sighed. He couldn't even insult the world in his pathetic state. He needed stronger coffee.

Just because he felt like it, he turned on the radio. He never did that, but maybe it would help fill the silence, at least until his coffee was done. It had been a long long time since he'd heard any music besides Bad Luck, or more specifically Shuichi composing. And seeing as Shuichi hadn't been in this apartment for the better part of the last few months, the amount of music he'd heard was practically nonexistent.

Without any hope of it actually helping his problem, he searched through the radio stations, until he found something where you could actually hear something without distortion. If that music wouldn't catch his attention he'd just go on listening for something else. The first thing he heard was:

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I've lost all control
And I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without,
I just need you now. [1]

Oh, no, that hit too close to home, he went on searching.

I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

Because I'm broken, when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

You've gone away, you don't feel me, here, anymore [2]

Yrch. Another one like that … Isn't there any music that's less …

will leave your heart an open sore
And I can't reveal what even I don't know
The love you feel, you waste away on me [3]

Okay, maybe three time's the charm. Maybe changing the station three times would do the trick.

It could be wrong, could be

Love is our resistance
They keep us apart and they won't stop breaking us down
Hold me
Our lips must always be sealed [4]

All right. Now he turned the damn thing off again. Four songs that tore at your insides were enough for one day. And not even a Bad Luck song among them. Filling the silence wouldn't do anyway, so … he grabbed his mug, turned the light off in every room and got comfortable in front of his laptop and waited for the muses to kiss him.

Unfortunately his thoughts drifted to the fragments of songs he'd just heard. He needed Shuichi. Not only now, but more like all the time, but something always kept them apart. He was broken when he was without Shuichi, that was well established and he couldn't help but think that the love Shuichi held for him had been wasted, at least before. Now he wasn't so sure. Now he hoped he was worthy of Shuichi's love. Hell, he would be satisfied if Shuichi ever spoke to him again without resentment in his eyes, never mind actually getting him back for good. Not that he didn't want to, he just figured his chances hovered somewhere between 0 and 0.1 on a scale from 0 to 100. He knew he was being pessimistic, but optimism wouldn't get him any further now. Not as long as he was on his own. He started typing when an idea finally wormed its way into his head. Huh. Those songs had actually provided inspiration. Strange.

Allrighty. I know, this borders on pathetic and I am abso-fucking-lutely not satisfied with this chapter, but that's the only way I can think of to make Shuichi join us again. I mean, waking up and being himself. Because being talked into believing something never actually works and there're simply not many other options. Hey, I could have invented a wonder drug that made you remember everything. And another one that purged all negative memories from your mind, but that wouldn't help, really.

Oh, the music:

1: Lady Antebellum – need you now

2: Seether ft. Amy Lee – Broken

3: Avantasia – what kind of love

4: Muse – resistance

As you may have noticed the quotes aren't exactly complete and the first verse usually starts somewhere in the middle, but it's a radio and all, that's how it works, I think, hope, whatever.

While talking about hope: I seriously hope that my muses try harder this time, I don't want to leave this unfinished, although I think from this point on it'll be easier if I don't end up at an impasse again, and I'll make damn sure I won't do that this time. Any more strange complications like kidnapping and losing memory would just get ridiculous at this point. Even more ridiculous I should say.

Oh, and listen to the music, all four songs are awesome. Like, awesome! (please imagine Barney Stinson saying 'awesome', here.)

Needless to say: I love each and every one of the people that give any kind of feedback. Please feel free to insult or praise me in any matter you like.

Thank you very much for reading and even more for reviewing.

LG

Ina