Chapter 7

Through the miracles of science, magic, and child-created fanon (aka, the dark arts of literature), Minerva McGonagall gave birth to a baby girl within the week. However, the question on everyone's mind was:

How points so far have the houses lost? (Jarring chord!)

Actually, no. It was:

WHO! was the father of the baby? (Jarring chord!)

Was it...Albus! (Jarring chord!) Severus! (Jarring chord!) Argus! (Jarring chord!) Buckbeak! (Jarring chord!)

Quite suddenly a raging rhinocerous burst onto the scene and tore off with Colin Creevey's Port-a-Pipe-Organ (as well as stamped out the campfires), and there were no more jarring chords for the rest of the story. Or WERE THERE! ... No, there weren't.

Maury -- oh yes, you all know him -- graciously accepted the honours of hosting the paternity suit on his show, although unfortunately memory charms had to be cast on all the Muggles present afterwards and he ended up firing and subsequently suing half his crewmen, assuming that the missing episode was all their fault. But that hasn't happened yet, so we'll move on to when everyone is being introduced.

"On today's episode," went Maury, "A professor at a magical school has been sleeping not only with the groundskeeper, the Potions professor, but even the Headmaster, and now must find out who is the father of her newborn! Let's meet our guests now!" He gestured at each one as they entered from stage right. "Firstly, the lady of the hour, Professor Minerva McGonagall! Next, the cat-loving groundskeeper, Argus Filch! And here's the greasy git himself, Severus Snape! And finally, the Headmaster who obviously has no control over what goes on in his own school, Albus Dumbledore!" All of this was greeted by boos and hisses.

"How could you, you slimeball!" Argus snarled at Snape.

"I'm so sorry lubby-dunkins!" Minerva sobbed. "It was before the conference, I swear!"

"No, seriously, how could you, either of you? How could any of us? She's seventy years old!" Argus said. "Good god woman, where were you when menopause was supposed to get to you?"

"Oh, and I suppose -you're- just a ripe garden of virility, are you?" Snape sneered at the groundskeeper.

"I'm honestly quite surprised -I'm- here," said Dumbledore. "I'm one-hundred-fifty, a bit past the age of child-bearing, if you ask me."

"Apparently not too old for my nuzzy-wuzzims!" Argus barked.

Maury laughed nervously. "A-hah-ah...I'm not Springer, let's try to keep the shouting to a minimum..." The four guests sat back with arms folded, except for Minerva, whose arms were occupied by the infant.

"Alright then," Maury said, "It's time for a DNA test to put this matter to rest."

"Do I have to take one?" Minerva asked. He stared for a moment but she didn't withdraw the question.

"No. We're all fairly certain that you're the mother of your infant."

"But couldn't I be the father?"

"I don't know how things work in that magical world of yours, but here in normal-land, that is seriously the dumbest thing I've ever been asked on this show."

"Wait," Snape said, "Does a DNA test involve...needles?"

"Yes," Maury said.

Snape gulped. "Why?"

"Because we couldn't afford the Q-tips."

"Um..." Somehow that wasn't making sense, but before he could ask anything more, two nurses appeared behind him and dragged him away, kicking and screaming. A few minutes later he was returned, one vial short of a full body of blood and with a Mickey Mouse band-aid on the crook of his arm. He looked as unhappy and pitiful as a kicked puppy. The others were much more compliant to the testing, and strangely enough, none of them had band-aids or really any indication that they had been pricked at all. He would only later find out that Maury had been paid off to use a needle on Snape only, based on the recent insurgence of needle-fearing in the professor.

"Well? Do you know who the father is?" Minerva asked.

"Yes. And so will you...right after these messages from our sponsors!"

Quite a while later, the show returned, and with way too much pomp and ceremony three named envelopes were produced and handed to each potential father. They slowly, tersely, anxiously, worriedly, tensely, glumly, grimly, solemnly, ploddingly opened the envelopes, and then with just as many adjectives pulled the slips of paper out from within them, and then as the seconds ticked away another commercial break interrupted the moment, and in a few moments the show came back and the motions were resumed.

Albus looked at his slip of paper and sighed heavily in relief. "Not the father," he said, shaking his head.

"Me neither," Snape said and a bit of colour returned to his panic-paled face.

"I guess that just leaves me..." Argus bit his lip, closed his eyes, inhaled deeply, exhaled deeply, repeat, repeat, and pulled out the slip of paper.

"What! I'm not the father!"

The audience gasped! Maury dropped his microphone! Severus stared! Albus chuckled! Minerva cried! The baby pooped and spit up!

"Oh, wait. I was looking at it upside-down." Argus flipped the paper. "Oh, I guess I am the father." The ceiling opened up and confetti and "Congratulations!" balloons rained down on them.

Snape buried his face in his hands. "But I'd always wanted to be a father..."

Dumbledore looked at him. "Really?"

"No. I just wanted the audience's sympathy."

"Up next," Maury said, facing the camera. "We have a pair of saimese twins who have no idea that they've been married to the same man for years!"

Appendix

Thanks to:

Amber, Katie, and Mina for their hilarious ideas and suggestions

Evie, for writing her fanfics that inspired me to make my own

Warner Brothers, for bringing Rowling's books to life

J.K. Rowling, for writing the books in the first place

Other stuff I don't own, so don't sue me (while not always directly mentioned, I do have alot of references that you might or might not all catch.):

The Simpsons

That 80s Show

Jabberwocky

The Rinkworks Fantasy Name Generator (mooshy names)

COPS

You Are My Sunshine

Lord of the Rings

Lisa Frank

Dillon C. Quattlebaum (real person)

Chocolate Orgasm

The Far Side

Batman & Robin (vs. the Dehydrated Pirates)

That commercial with the guy talking to his cat (I forget what company)

The Fly

Cosmopolitan Magazine

Beggin' Strips

Port-a-Potty

The Gods Must Be Crazy

South Park