SHE HATES ME!

Author's Note: - I'm pretty sure this song has been used in a fan fic before. It can't NOT be, you know. Anyways, I first heard this song ('She Fucking Hates Me' by Puddle of Mudd) year before last, and immediately thought of James & Lily. I do not like the rat, Peter 'traitor worm' Pettigrew, and hence he is absent from my fan fic. I am sorry if it troubles you.

So here we are…

Met a girl, thought she was grand

fell in love, found out first hand

I saw her first when I was eleven.

Her red-capped head had poked into our compartment, and her pretty emerald green eyes were over-bright as she said, "Can I please sit here? Everywhere else is pretty full."

I think that's when I fell in love.

She took the window seat, and said, "I'm Lily. Lily Evans."

"James Potter," I replied, extending my hand. She took it.

"Sirius Black," said the handsome black-haired boy next to me.

She nodded to him, then started looking out of the window.

A slimey-haired boy in ancient school robes slid open the compartment door and sat down opposite Lily. She glanced at him and then looked back out of the window. She had been crying.

"I don't want to talk to you," she said in a constricted voice.

"Why not?"

"Tuney h-hates me. Because we saw that letter from Dumbledore."

"So what?"

She threw him a look of deep dislike.

"So she's my sister!"

"She's only a–" He caught himself quickly; Lily, too busy trying to wipe her eyes without being noticed, did not hear him.

"But we're going!" he said, unable to suppress the exhilaration in his voice. "This is it! We're off to Hogwarts!"

She nodded, mopping her eyes, but in spite of herself, she half smiled.

"You'd better be in Slytherin," said Snape, encouraged that she had brightened a little.

"Slytherin?" I stopped talking to Sirius Black as I heard him. "Who wants to be in Slytherin? I think I'd leave, wouldn't you?"

Sirius did not smile.

"My whole family have been in Slytherin," he said.

"Blimey," I remarked, unable to stop myself, "and I thought you seemed all right!"

Sirius grinned.

"Maybe I'll break the tradition. Where are you heading, if you've got the choice?"

I lifted an invisible sword.

"'Gryffindor, where dwell the brave at heart!' Like my dad."

Snape made a small, disparaging noise. I turned on him.

"Got a problem with that?"

"No," said Snape, though his slight sneer said otherwise. "If you'd rather be brawny than brainy–"

"Where're you hoping to go, seeing as you're neither?" interjected Sirius.

I roared with laughter. It felt so funny! Lily sat up, rather flushed, and looked from me to Sirius in dislike.

"Come on, Severus, let's find another compartment."

"Oooooo…" I just couldn't help teasing her a little. Sirius joined in.

"See ya, Snivellus!" Sirius called, as the compartment door slammed…

Went well for a week or two

Then it all came unglued

I loved to tease her. It was so easy to ruffle her pretty feathers… and the color that rose to her cheeks when she was embarrassed or angry was brilliant. It took very little work to make her angry, I think. All I had to do was insult that slime-ball, who in my opinion was an ugly git if ever there was one.

She never replied when I tried to strike up a conversation, and that intrigued me. She was a very intriguing person, this Lily Evans. I would have loved to be friends with her. But…she was friends with a Slytherin.

Euwww.

So it became a game between the two of us. I teased her, and she yelled at me to just leave her alone.

Ha. I didn't. Cause it was fun.

I bought a muggle diary for ten knuts, and wrote my new, innovative ways to tease her and her Slytherin in it.

My own diary backfired at me in my fifth year.

In a trap, trip I can't grip

Never thought I'd be the one who'd slip

Then I started to realize

"Mate?" Moony tapped me on the shoulder as I fought with Slughorn's bloody essay. I think I was losing spectacularly.

"Have you read your diary ever since you wrote it?"

"Sure," I replied irritably. What was the twelfth use of dragon blood again? "I write in it everyday."

"No," said Moony again. "I mean, since you bought it, have you ever read the complete thing?"

"Nope." I popped the 'p', trying to irritate him into leaving me alone with my bleeding homework.

No such luck.

"I will do your Potions homework if you read it," he said, handing me my journal. "Here, take it."

"Hey!" Padfoot yelled from somewhere near my right foot. He was currently struggling with Charms. "Why can't you do mine too? It's…it's unjust!"

"Read, Prongs, while I deal with this idiot."

I read, wondering what the problem was. I grinned when I found the tiny scribbled notes in the margins declaring new names for Snivellus. They were pretty funny, if I might say so myself. I am pretty innovative.

But then the tone of the entries began to change. I didn't even remember half of those. Snape took a slow exit from my diary pages while Lily's presence became more noted.

And I wasn't even devising ways to annoy her anymore.

I talked of the way the sun glinted off her hair, and the way it turned almost golden in the direct sunshine if the angle was right. The way she laughed (when I wasn't in her line of vision, of course), and how it transformed her face into a work of art.

I wasn't dumb. I knew the only logical conclusion to the reason I would write like this.

Holy fucking shit!

"I'm…. in love with…Lily Evans!"

Sirius yelped and fell backwards in the fire.

We were able to save him, if you are interested.

I was living one big lie

She fucking hates me

Trust

She fucking hates me

La la la love

I hated the son of a bitch. How dare he? How dare he talk to Evans, to my Lily? How dare he touch her, make her laugh? When I couldn't come in her vicinity without a grimace gracing that lovely face?

But I knew she liked him, as a friend. What was she, blind? Didn't she see the undisguised greed in the wanker's eyes?

So I tried to use him to secure a date.

I used my levi-corpes on him one pleasant winter morning, and sure enough, she came double-quick to save her friend.

"All right, Evans?" I said.

"Leave him alone," Lily said. She was looking at me with every sign of great dislike. "What's he done to you?"

I could not let her see what her expression was doing to me, or how it was breaking me into little pieces, so I joked.

"Well," I replied, "it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean."

Many of the surrounding students laughed, Sirius included, but Moony, still apparently intent on his DADA notes from our previous class, didn't, and nor did Lily. See? He isn't even popular.

"You think you're funny," she said coldly. "But you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him alone."

I closed my eyes for a minute, trying to block out the loathing in hers. Then I pressed my advantage. If she just gave me a civil audience…

"I will if you go out with me, Evans," I said quickly. "Go on: go out with me and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."

"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid," said Lily.

"Bad luck, Prongs," said Sirius briskly. He patted me on the shoulder.

I drank myself silly that night.

I tried too hard

And she tore my feelings like I had none

And ripped them away

I tried. I tried not being pompous or arrogant or a toerag, for that matter.

And I tried real hard. For her.

I understood slowly that what I did hurt a lot of people. It was humiliating, and wrong to make fun of someone in front of the whole school. It made me popular, but it also made everyone fear my next move. Would I start on them next? I was shocked by this revelation. I mean, if nobody liked my being high-headed, couldn't they just have told me?

"And invite your wrath?" Moony said irritably. He had been telling me my own public image for the last hour and a half. It was strange and… well, alien.

"I… I never meant to…you know…"

"Of course I know. Why do you think I'm still friends with you, you dimwit?"

So we tried to reform the old James into a new-improved, worthy-of-Lily-Evans James. It wasn't too hard, to tell you the truth. The hardest part was not hexing the face off that Death Eater Severus Snape whenever I saw him with his 'buddies'. It was okay, I adjusted easily.

Things were going great. Evans did not yell at me any more, she didn't bother when I didn't talk to her.

That's right. I stopped talking to my Lily. It was horrible, not facing her at least twice a day. But then, my heart-breaks reduced to zero. This new tough regime was good for my heart. Healthy and whole.

Then she met Roger King.

She was queen for about an hour

After that shit got sour

She took all I ever had

No sign of guilt

No feeling of bad, no

She broke my heart.

She and Roger became a really popular couple, and the entire Hogwarts kept tabs on their relationship. She became famous as Roger King's Queen. I remember the time I had walked in on them kissing in The Three Broomsticks during our Hogsmeade weekend. I drowned in Firewhiskey that night.

Yes, I became a drunkard! So what? It was a one-night-only thing! And, let me remind you, I had just walked on the love of my life kissing someone else.

I had a massive hangover the next day. Pitiful, I know.

In a trap, trip I can't grip

Never thought I'd be the one who'd slip

Then I started to realize

I was living one big lie

"James? Are you here?"

"You need to finish your essay, James?"

"I don't think he can hear us, moony."

"PRONGS!"

"Wha-What?"

"Did you even listen to us?"

I looked back at Lily, horribly sick at the sight of Roger eating her face off. Couldn't the bastard see she was unwilling? Why wouldn't he leave her be? Had he no gentleness? Could he be a little less sloppy?

He left her to go upstairs to his dorm, leaving her to wipe her face in a large hanky. She didn't exactly look like a love-sick teenager who had just got a goodnight kiss.

I stood up and walked up to her. I was vaguely aware that Moony and Padfoot stopped their indistinct conversation. I didn't let Lily's glare effect me. I just walked up to her and said, "Can I please talk to you for a second?"

"No way, Potter. Back off."

"That's what I have to talk to you about. Please. Come on."

Her curiosity let me drag her out of the portrait hole to an empty classroom. I didn't distract myself by looking at her wonderful dark red hair. My heart was dying slowly, suffocating at the thought of what I was going to do.

But it was best to step aside now. I mean, best for her.

"I am backing off."

"Excuse me?"

"I am going to stop…stalking you now. I… know you think I am a stalker. You're probably right. So… I just needed to make a few things clear first."

"Huh?"

"Thank you."

"Me?" Her voice sounded oddly faint.

"Yes, you. I love you. Why can't you bloody see that? I try to be perfect because of you. Everything I am today, everything I've ever achieved…it's all for you. Just for that one smile, that one moment of grudging respect, that one small flash of something other than hate."

Her disinterested and wary demeanour faltered a bit. "…are you serious?"

I bristled with sudden anger. Holy Merlin, she couldn't even say thank you?

"Yes, Evans…Lily. I am trying to change. For you. To be worthy of you." I was still talking to my shoes. I heard her come closer, and waited for the scathing reply.

Instead, she made me face her with a finger under my chin.

Our second contact after that handshake in first year.

"Kiss me."

"WHAT?" The poor girl! She's gone mad. But I still love her.

"I need to check something. Kiss me. NOW!"

I cupped my hand around her silk cheek, pulling her gaze into my eyes, my other arm still tight around her waist. She was so fragile, her slim body fitting neatly into mine, breakable at even the slightest touch.

She closed her eyes, so I leaned forward to softly brush her mouth with my own.

The world exploded. Fireworks seemed to spark behind my eyelids, my stomach felt as though it was flying, and the only thing that was real in this world was Lily, the smell of Lily's hair, and the feel of her lips, pressed softly against mine.

Her mouth moved faster against mine, but I kept kissing her gently, not wanting to hurt her. She's scared that I'll hurt her. I would never hurt her. I'll die before I hurt her. I'll kill anyone who hurts her.

"Kiss me like a man, James. Not like a school-girl kissing for the first time. Kiss me like you mean it."

So I did.

"You do love me," she gasped when she came up for air.

"Now you notice," I grinned.

That's my story, as you see

Learned my lesson and so did she

Now it's over and I'm glad

'Cause I'm a fool for all i've said

[Chorus]

La la la la la la la la la love

Trust

La la la la la la la la la love

Trust

"Well, that's it, folks," I said to the five hundred diners gathered at our wedding. They had been insisting on knowing how it started. Since most of them had been my extended family, I had been forced into replying. I have to say, I felt pretty foolish right now. I mean, I was seeing half of my aunts and uncles for the first time! I have a right to feel foolish!

"Well, she taught me how to respect other people's self-respect, and I taught her how to let her hair down a little. See? It's all down." I grinned as I turned to the most beautiful bride ever—my bride. Her hair was down, because I had insisted to her mother.

And bribed her bridesmaids into taking my side.

But she didn't need to know that.

"I love you," I said, giving her a chaste kiss.

I felt all the happiness in the world when she smiled. "I love you too."