Heartbreak and Acceptance

Yumichika

I waited until he was well enough to take care of himself, all the time hiding my true emotions. People think that I am hot tempered, which I am, but that doesn't mean I don't know how to keep a secret. So I pressed down the rising feelings while I tended his wounds and made him food until I felt he was stronger.

"Ikkaku, can you come to the door for a moment?" I called into the abandoned shack we had taken up temporary residence in.

"What is it?" he said. I looked at his face and almost faltered, but it had to be done.

"I'm leaving," I said as calmly as I could. I didn't need to elaborate, he could tell by the way I said it that I meant for good. He just stood and stared at me for what seemed like hours. My heart broke as he just stood there saying nothing. Finally I turned and walked away.

Ikkaku

"I'm leaving," he told me, his hair blowing the breeze.

It hit me worse than the blows Kenpachi had given me. The only thing I could think in my mind was the words "Yumichika…please…" over and over again. Damn it. Was it because I lost? Was I no longer strong enough for him? Had he just finally gotten bored? I fell to my knees, my hands on the floor as I bowed over.

"Ikkaku!" he said, rushing back to me, concerned for my fresh wounds. "Ikkaku…" Yumichika said, "Are you ok?"

There was only pain, deep inside, but not from my injuries. I fought with everything I had, because I never wanted to see Yumichika see me with any tears in my eyes. "I'm sorry. I knew that you would leave one day. I'm trying to let you go, but it's just so damn..." I said, not meeting his eyes, trying to not wrap my arms around him and force him to not leave.

"What? Why did you think I would leave one day?"

"Somehow I must have tricked you, or maybe I was just a safe place for you to be for awhile, but I always knew that eventually you'd come to your senses and go away. It's just that I love you too much to let you go easily."

"You idiot!" he yelled at me, hitting me hard. I lay sprawled on the ground, looking up at him in shock. "How dare you pretend like you love me!"

"I…"

"You begged him to kill you! I felt how strong he was and thought you were going to die. The entire time I felt like a noose was around my neck, tightening. Then, somehow you survived, BUT YOU ASKED HIM TO KILL YOU!"

I had no response to that.

"You would rather choose to die than come back to me? Your pride is more important than me? You'd rather die than lose? Rather have me watch you die, shredded and in pieces on the ground, your eyes going dull? Obviously you don't feel that same way towards me as I do about you. I'm leaving because I can't watch you do that again. At least if I'm far away I can pretend that you're fine and that you love me," he raged, his face flushed in anger.

I hadn't been thinking in the battle at all, at least not about Yumichika. "I always assumed that if anything happened to me, you'd just find someone else," I said. "I didn't think…," this time I was a little more prepared and stopped his fist from hitting me.

"Fool! Without you there is nothing for me. If you had been killed out there it would have been exactly the same as me dying!"

"Yumichika…" Was that really true? Did he really care about me that much?

"Whether I'm by your side or alone, you're the only one for me. I just can't know that you don't even care enough to try to live for me," he said, calming down a little. He got up to leave.

"Wait, no!" I said, forcing myself up, leaning against the door frame. "I promise you it won't happen again."

He paused. He paused and I knew I had just one shot at making him stay. "Don't you remember what that man I fought said, what Kenpachi from Zaraki said? He said the same thing to me, to count myself lucky if I lived after a battle, to not seek death. If you think about it, I'm a very lucky guy; I'm lucky I survived, and I'm lucky that I have you. I've been thinking about that, before you even said anything."

He came back. Thank god he came back. I wrapped my arm around him like he was life itself.

Yumichika

"I found him," I said.

"Really?" Ikkaku asked excitedly.

"You'll never guess, but he's become a captain of the thirteen court guard!"

"That doesn't really seem like him," Ikkaku said warily.

"I got a description of him as well. It's definitely him, and that cute little girl that was with him to."

"Are you ok with this?" he asked.

"Why, do you think you can beat him?" I hadn't really been sure why it was that Ikkaku was looking for Kenpachi, but I had been asking around for him anyways. We both had as we traveled from town to town fighting small fry for money and food. I trusted him though. I trusted the promise he gave me that he wouldn't seek death. To me, even if he challenged Kenpachi, it wouldn't be the same as last time. I didn't want to change him from the person he was. As much as it was tempting to try to force him to be safe and place nice, a tame Ikkaku wouldn't really be Ikkaku at all. I respected his wishes and stayed out of his battles, even if they seemed impossible to win, and even if I had my hand clenched on my zanpakuto the whole time wanting to help.

"I don't think that's what I'm going to do anymore," he said. He looked over at me with a wide grin. "Wanna join his squad?"

"Do I…" I had never considered becoming a shinigami before. I smiled to myself.

"What's that for?" Ikkaku asked.

"I was thinking of what you'd look like in a school uniform," I replied with a dreamy sigh.

"What? You don't have to do that, do you?" he questioned with a look of disgust. I shrugged. Why in the world would I know?

Ikkaku

"Well, at least I know you're a little better than these pansies running under my feet," Kenpachi said. "Some of them actually fall down when I'm around, if you can believe that."

Yeah, I could believe it. If he wasn't scary looking enough on his own to make someone go weak at the knees, then his spiritual pressure would knock a you right off your feet if Kenpachi wasn't watching it (which he never did, or never did enough).

"I'm so happy Baldy is joining us!" my new lieutenant said. I visibly twitched. That was a nickname that was not going to stay. I figured that maybe I'd wait a little bit before laying down the law with that little brat though; I don't want to piss off my new boss immediately.

"Uh, there's one more thing," I said hesitantly.

"What's that?" Kenpachi asked.

"Living quarters. I heard that since we're going to be seated officers that we get our own rooms and living quarters," I replied.

"Yeah, and?"

"Well…you ain't gonna need two for me and Yumichika," I said.

He looked me over, and I wondered if I had made a mistake. I could always just claim that I meant that we liked being roommates, right?

"Just don't let it interfere with your battles," Kenpachi said.

"I don't understand why them living together would change that," said Yachiru, puzzled.

"He means that they're dating, or together or whatever," Kenpachi explained.

"Haha, you must have gotten him really drunk when that happened because he's way out of your league!" Yachiru laughed.

I blinked. Exactly how old was Yachiru again? I started to question Kenpachi parenting skills. Then I grinned. "Yeah, I know."

"Oh! So are you going to have babies?" she asked.

Ok, so not quite as worldly as I had thought.

"No," I answered firmly.

"I have a present for you if you promise to be nice to me," she said.

"Uh…sure?"

"I'm going to be staying with Kenny, so you guys can have the lieutenant's quarters. It's bigger than the others and has a garden area and everything."

"I…thank you, Lieutenant," I said. I take back what I said. She can call me baldy all she wants.

Outside, I couldn't find Yumichika. After years of being with him I could feel him anywhere, but there was too much spiritual pressure around me, both from Kenpachi's massive outpouring and from the tons of shinigami milling around. I could tell he was around, just not in what direction. It didn't help that everyone was wearing black and white. Suddenly, I saw it, a bright orange wristband held into the air. I laughed and walked towards him.

"What do you think?" he asked.

"Of the orange neck wrist whatever thing or the hair?"

"Both."

"I like it," I ran my fingers through his newly shortened hair. "I liked it before too," I backtracked, just in case. You never know with Yumichika. I loved his hair before, but it did get more than a few people thinking he was a woman.

"What do you like about it?" he asked.

Oh shit. "Uh, because it's shorter it looks more shiny…and bigger?" I said.

"Fuller?" he asked.

"Sure."

"I think that to balance out the shorter hair and lack of color I'm going to do something with my eyes," Yumichika said.

"What like makeup or something?" I asked.

"I'm not sure yet," he replied.

"Heh," I said, nuzzling Yumichika's covered neck. "You know, that thing will cover up a lot if I get too frisky."

"Ikkaku!" Yumichika whispered, trying to push me away. I held him in place, kissing him deeply, passionately.

"Woohoo! Grab his ass!" Someone walking by yelled.

I relaxed my grip, allowing Yumichika to come up for air.

"It's ok, Yumichika. I don't know if it's ok everywhere, but our captain doesn't care and that's all that matters," I said.

"You…told him?" Yumichika asked, shocked.

"Well, in a way. I was asking for us to have the same quarters so…"

"You did what?"

"Oh," I paused, "we've been on the road so long that I just assumed. I guess I should have asked. Do you want to live with me?"

"You idiot, that's not what I meant. Now that you ask though, yes," he said with a smile. "Also, I think you better grant that man his request."

"What request?" I asked, confused.

Yumichika grabbed my ass.

"I got this for you," I said, handing him the small pot.

I always thought he looked adorable when he was gardening, but I tried to not mention it (at least not while using the word 'adorable'). There were only three times that Yumichika deemed it acceptable to be dirty, at least temporarily. One was in battle, one was in bed, and one was in the garden. Seeing the little smear of dirt on his face and soil under his finger nails made me want to do bad things to him, right there, outside and in front of anyone who might be unfortunate to walk by.

"It's beautiful," he said.

"Yeah, they are, but it's the smell that I bought them for," I mentioned.

He bent down over a flower and smelled. "Mmm, lovely," he agreed.

"I've actually been looking for these for a long time," I admitted. "They remind me of you. Even before I ever saw you, when I felt your spiritual pressure for the first time, this is what I smelled, what I saw in my mind."

He looked at me with sparkling eyes and a wide smile, and then surprised me completely by pouncing on me, knocking me over into the tilled earth. He quickly started undoing my kimono.

"Yumichika…" I breathed. I was going to say, 'Yumichika stop', but I really didn't want that to happen, it just kind of seemed like the sort of thing I should say since we were in a fairly public place.

He kissed my chest and neck, his hands undoing my hakama. He moved his kisses downward and I arched my back as I felt his hot mouth pressing down on my erection through my fundoshi. He expertly removed them in a quick movement, but then paused. I looked down at him.

"Just admiring the view," he said with a smirk.

"Heh, yeah well…" I'm not sure what I was going to say because my brain short circuit that second because of what Yumichika's tongue started doing.

It doesn't matter how long we've been together, or how often we've slept together, Yumichika has always been able to completely make me his in a matter of moments. I will never get tired of his body, the noises he makes, or the way he touches me, and I sure as hell will never get tired of touching him. I still count myself lucky when I catch him unawares, when he's brushing his hair and staring out over his garden, or just trying on kimonos and checking himself out in the mirror. He's finally convinced me that he's not going to just up and leave one day. Not that I don't still get jealous when I see someone looking at him. He enjoys the attention so I let a little bit of it slide, but anyone flirting with Yumichika is flirting with a long stay in Squad 4.

Also, that summer I built our backyard privacy fence. It still doesn't keep the noise in though.

A/N: So that's it. I didn't want to write about all the in between stuff, just them going around and fighting town to town (at least not now). I'll definitely be doing more Ikkaku and Yumichika stuff though.