Renegades

I'm a wanted man

There were several things in their line of work that could scare Sam – but not a single one of them seemed to be quite as frightening as a jealous Alex.

Dean had gotten a call from some girl, and they had gone to her town to try and figure out what was going on, and ever since the name "Casey" came out of Dean's mouth, Alex had been completely and utterly unbearable.

It turns out she had been the only girl Dean had ever cheated on Alex with. Not that any of them would come out right and say it, but Sam was smart enough to get the details from time to time - the way Alex would glare when Casey turned up in the conversation, the way Dean would tense when Alex started glaring – and the fact that, from what he had been able to extract from Dean, he had been involved with her at least three years after Alex had confessed to Dean how he truly felt about him – and they had been together ever since.

The job had been a nasty one, but not all that complicated to work out – the complicated part was understanding the really freakish dynamics between Dean and Alex. Dean hadn't said a single word of apology, and Casey had seemed as if she was properly scared of Alex for some reason, and their leaving town was a true relief for Sam – at least until their next stop at a cheap motel to sleep for the night, when he had gone out to bring them all some food, and come back a little too soon.

Alex's voice could be heard through the door, and Sam stood there, undecided. Dare he go in and risk the wrath of a jealous Alex and a pissed off Dean, or should he wait outside, and pretend he had just arrived when they stopped shouting?

There were several accusations flying around, but for most of them Dean seemed to just admit his errors – but not even once did he apologize. Sam had to smile a little bit at that, even he knew when you screwed up you apologized profusely. He had, when he did something Jess would be upset about.

Finally, he heard a loud shout, in Alex's voice, saying "Well, I sure as hell didn't hear you apologize", and then there was silence.

And Sam, being a complete innocent, tried to open the door, thinking their fight was over.

Well, the fight was, but all the rest was pretty much going on.

Dean had Alex pinned against their bed, half his t-shirt off his body, ridden up where Dean's hands had made it go up. Alex's legs were intertwined with Dean's, and the older man was moving just a little bit against the younger one, clearly controlling the kiss they were engaged in.

Alex had both his hands above his head, one of Dean's hands securing them there, while the other was trying to unbutton Alex's jeans. When Sam noticed that, he had to stop them: being okay with them both together was one thing, but watching it happen was entirely out of his plans for life.

Ever since that day, Alex and Dean seemed to be more open about their status as more than brothers when he was around. There were so many looks, and small touches, and the way they seemed to understand each other with barely a glance, so many signs he started feeling stupid for having not noticed it before.

When Alex had been taken by the crazy lot of people who enjoyed hunting other people Dean was almost too mad to function. He had seen his brother worried before, but never anything like that. They had escaped whole and mostly unharmed, but Sam made sure to leave them alone in a room for the whole night in their next stop for food and sleep. Dean seemed to have a constant need to reassure himself that Alex was there, that he hadn't vanished, or just gone away again.

Dean had been so worried in fact, that he had stopped giving Sam those weird looks he had been giving him ever since they had solved the whole Max problem. He thought Sam hadn't noticed that, but he had, and he was sick of it, but he also knew it wouldn't help matters to fight with Dean over something as stupid as a look.

They were actually having a somewhat calm week, looking for other jobs to work on, while trying to rest a bit between them. Dean was out, and Sam was trying to sleep some more, but it was hard – not as hard as it had been, but definitely hard anyway. The nightmares seemed to be getting worse, if that was at all possible – now they weren't only about Jess and their mother, they were about Max and Sam going crazy just like him, and whatever awful thing was waiting for him ahead.

When he woke up, sitting up in the bed in a fast move, gasping for air, the first thing he saw was Alex cleaning some guns on a table. His older brother looked at him and sighed, while Sam just let himself fall on the bed again.

"You know, I'm sure this must sound crazy, but if you actually talked about what's worrying you, it might help. I'm not saying to make songs about it, or tell me or Dean everything, but just enough so you wouldn't be so… burdened.", Alex said, not looking at Sam.

The taller man looked at his brother out the corner of his eyes, turning his head so he could see the man's face.

"Oh, yeah, like you talk to Dean about what's bothering you, like with that Casey chick."

He didn't really mean anything about it, he just wanted to make his brother shut up – but he was using the wrong tactic, because this was Alex, not Dean, and he didn't run away screaming when feelings were mentioned.

"You know, we had been together for, what, two whole years when he had this crazy crush on that girl. I've never felt that. It's always been Dean. I've never even kissed another person before him, and I intend on not doing it till I die, because he's it for me. But he's… well, he's Dean. He thought she was amazing, we had a great fight, me and dad worked on a few jobs by ourselves while Dean was with her.", his voice was quiet, and he methodically cleaned part by part of their weapons, just like their dad did when he was really trying to talk about something that hurt him. It was the way their dad always used to talk about their mom: hiding everything he was feeling by focusing on something else.

"What happened? I mean, you're obviously together now."

"You already know what happened. He told her what we really did for a living, and she thought he was completely mad. He came back, quiet and weird for a few days, and then he told me what had really happened. I got so mad I went after her and, well, if she hadn't been so small for a girl, I would have beaten the hell out of this Casey. I… Dean, you and dad are everything to me. I want you to have what you want much more than I want to have what I want, much more than I want just him, you know? If he loved Casey, if he was in love with her, then he should have her, and she had thrown him away. That's what made me so mad", Alex looked at Sam, a small smile playing on his lips, "He told me later he wasn't really that into her, that he was actually afraid he was trapping me with him. That I should have a choice to leave him if I wanted to, and that he was afraid I didn't just leave him because I didn't want to hurt him. So he tried falling for someone else. Dean is an amazing person, but he does some really crazy shit sometimes, just because he doesn't let everything out. I try to help him, but it's not always easy. We never talked about the whole Casey thing after he explained his reasoning to me, and we would never would again if she hadn't called him."

He smiled a little more, somewhat mischievously this time, while putting the last gun back in their duffle bag.

"In all honesty? I wasn't really that jealous of her, but it makes him feel good about himself when I do it, so sometimes I pick a poor target and pretend to get mad."

"Didn't you get mad at him? He technically cheated on you.", Sam said, looking a bit worried this time, and Alex had to smile again.

"A bit, for a while. It was hard being mad at him, though. And he… well, he never apologized for it, never. But he was just so miserable about the whole thing, about the us part, I mean. He's never done that again, he knows I'm with him because I want to. That's part of this really huge rift between him and dad. It took me years to get Dean to understand he wasn't taking advantage of me, hell, I was the one who told him I loved him, and he finally got the message. But when we told dad, his first words were accusations towards Dean. He blamed him, put all the responsibility for the whole thing on his shoulders. And I may not be the wisest person in the world – not even in this family – but I'm not some damsel in distress that can be deceived by perverted older brothers, or that needs their father's protection. It's hard for him, knowing dad blames him. If we just broke the whole thing off, dad would forgive us and never talk about it again – but Dean refused that. He chose to let dad blame him, and be mad at him over losing what we have. I think that more than makes up for the whole Casey thing."

Sam didn't talk about what was bothering him, and Alex didn't try to make him talk anymore. He was glad Alex trusted him that much, and Sam certainly trusted his older brothers, but he didn't want to be the one to bring the subject of his freakishness up.

A week after that, there they were, in Chicago, working on another job. People were dying, and they were having a hard time tracking the whole thing. And when they did – well, Meg wasn't someone Sam had expected to see ever again, much less falling from a building seven stories high.

When they were back at their place, packing the three of them almost had a collective heart attack when they saw their father for the first time in months.

Dean, despite being the one who hunted their father down first couldn't quite seem to look the man in the eye. Sam was happy to see him, but he couldn't shake the feeling his father didn't want him to be there.

And again, it was Alex, the adopted kid, who was the first to embrace their father, to really show how happy they all were to have seen him. Sam was next, barely containing his tears in seeing their dad again, safe and sound, after everything they had been through. But Dean… Dean gave their father a cold hug, a merely tap on the back, and seemed to be holding back his screams.

When Dean suggested they should stay apart, Sam was just about to flip, but Alex understood and supported him. John looked as if he was about to say something to Dean, but Alex cut him off.

And there they were again, without their father, after having seen him, and sent him on his way.

Sam wasn't a happy camper.

He really wasn't.

†

"You know why dad sent us here. Sent me here.", Dean said, tossing his duffle bag onto his bed, while Sam was out, getting them all some dinner.

"Yeah, I figured it out. I just don't think it's meant to be a shot at you, Dean. I think it's just… he knows how you feel about that night, he knows you'd want a chance to make it right. Maybe…", Dean stared at Alex as if challenging him to say what he was about to say, "Well, maybe this is his way of trying to make amends.", he finished anyway. If he would stop talking every time Dean didn't want to discuss something, they would never talk.

"Well, it's a poor way to make amends.", the older man said the last word mockingly, but Alex could see he was a little less stressed out already.

This stupid fight was killing him inside, Alex could see it, and there was nothing he could do – well, there was, but he wasn't about to lie to Dean, and break up with him because their father didn't understand what they meant for each other.

So he would just give them time. He only hoped they had the time to heal this whole crappy fight before something really nasty happened.

To be perfectly honest, even if this whole hunting the Shtriga thing had been an attempt from John to give Dean a second chance, Alex still thought it was unbelievably unfair.

He had been almost Dean's age. He had gone out that night – he had left Sam alone too. They both had gone out to play and get fresh air while Sam was sleeping, but when John came back, he only had blamed Dean – just like now, the blame always fell onto Dean's shoulders.

And there was something else too; something Alex didn't dare voice to Dean, nor Sam, even if for different reasons: if their father had reached Sam that fast, in time to scare the creature away, why hadn't he come earlier and stopped the creature from ever getting near Sammy at all? If Alex was honest with himself, he could almost say John had used them – the three of them – as bait. The thought wasn't a comforting one, thinking your dad would put a hunt above his children's safety, but this was John they were talking about, and despite loving the man with everything he had; Alex knew he put hunting above anything and anyone.

They did kill the monster after all – using a kid as bait, just like he suspected their father had done all those years ago – but everything worked out in the end, thankfully.

Their next hunt had been a relatively easy one – and a good one for Sam, above anything else. He seemed to be finally healing from Jess's death, even if slow and hard. Sarah had been good for him, even if he felt as if he was being unfair to her, leaving so soon, never to come back again, but it was a step in the right direction.

All in all, they weren't fine, but they could be a lot worse.

And they would be.

Very soon.

This right here is the worst chapter I've EVER written. Gods, this is bad, and I am SO sorry, I SWEAR the next one will be better – even if just because it can't be as bad as this one.

R E V I E W !