Not while I Love

The fourth- Moving Backwards

Back at his house, Tsuna tried calling Kyoko, planning on having her go check on Haru and comfort her. She needed a good friend right now, and that was all he could do. Naturally for someone with his luck, she wasn't home, so he had to find Bianchi and I-pin. When that was done, and Binachi had shot him dirty looks, he rested at his desk and tried to do some of his homework. It made no sense, and he spent more time looking at equations thinking than actually accomplishing anything.

He wondered if anyone in the world was right for him, and got a little depressed. At least when he liked Kyoko, there was someone to focus on, and hope to be with one day. Now, he couldn't think of anyone to hope or aim to date; he felt less loved then ever. Fortunately, he was kicked out of these thoughts soon, as Reborn burst through the window.

"Re-Reborn!" Tsuna got up from the floor, wincing, as he listened to the hitman. Reborn forced him outside, and began the most rigorous training he'd had in months.

Reborn began by forcing him into dying will mode, and made him sprint to some mountain-side cliffs, where they began in earnest. Reborn helped the boy in his own way, preventing him from having the time or energy to mope for the next few days. As a result, it was only late at night, when he was alone, that Tsuna could sigh and wonder how she was doing.

He saw Haru less and less over the coming days, but eventually she continued to hang out with them. Tsuna never discussed with her how hurt she was, or what she thought of him, an uneasy silence hanging between them occasionally. Still, she was able to laugh, which he found encouraging.

Tsuna was still wracked with guilt over how he had toyed with her, but felt even worse around Kyoko. She didn't choose to continue hanging around with them, and he hardly saw her at all these days. Trying to look at things objectively, Tsuna eventually realized that Kyoko was in the same spot he was in- had she said yes without feeling anything at all for him, it would have been the same as when he dated Haru.

This feeling of restlessness, and something half-finished continued to plague him when he thought of either girl. He wasn't sure why, but he thought there should be more to breaking up, or not dating that there was. Maybe he should apologize, and help get closure for Haru? But she seemed fine as things were, despite loving him for so long.

He had loved Kyoko for years, and would still date her if she asked him. But at the same time, she always left class in a hurry, and it was almost impossible to find her to let her know he was sorry. Maybe it was better she stay away from the whole group, and the mafia, he thought dejectedly…

The next few weeks followed a similar pattern- Reborn woke him up at odd times, forcing him out of bed in unusually cruel and creative ways. Once, he woke up to find an endangered python creeping around his legs.

He was always forced to exercise in some way before school, when he was at his weakest and least cooperative. After school, Reborn would hop on his shoulders and direct him to run as fast as he could to whatever training ground he decided on. This was gruelling enough, but the actual training seemed steadily more challenging. Tsuna began to push himself harder and harder, losing himself in the burn.

He wasn't improving at first, and never to his psychopath tutor's standards, but he found it much harder to be depressed when he was exhausted. If he fell asleep right away when he went to bed due to fatigue, there was no chance he would be thinking about girl problems all night.

Reborn recognised this, and encouraged his student in his usual fashion. However, he soon grew concerned. Tsuna had begun pushing himself too much- much harder than before. He could seriously hurt himself if he tried to increase his flames any further than he was. Not to mention the risk to civilians, of course, which was secondary as far as his thoughts went.

He understood the young Vongola to be, and soon figured what he was up to. Pushing himself completely into his training was hardly going to help him forget those girls, however, and he had to snap Tsuna out of it. He considered finding Longchamp, and having him hang around Tsuna some more. The boy's casual views on courtship would be refreshing to Tsuna, and might help him understand the old adage about there being more fish in the sea.

Ultimately, this idea was rejected, as finding Longchamp was too bothersome, and asking for help left a bad taste in the hitman's mouth. Tsuna would snap out of his mood soon enough on his own, he was sure.

But if he was going to get better, it wasn't anytime soon. The one thing Tsuna had thought of for so long, the only real focus his life had held was now gone. He had no dreams of a big job, beyond achieving a living. He honestly didn't care if he was remembered in the future, and making a difference in the world seemed too impossible.

No, there was only one goal he had in mind: to be loved. A family that he enjoyed being with, someone sweet and kind to wake up next to, and someone to share his strength with. Such a modest dream, but one that he could do so little towards.

How did someone find a partner? Pick up bars and clubbing was hardly the place to get to know someone, and it was probably the wrong kind of girl for him if she did go out to those places. He could try making himself more attractive to girls, but if everyone's tastes were different, then how could he do that? The only thing he could think of that every girl liked was a guy who showered and bathed regularly, and that was already taken care of.

As a concentrated burst of flames surrounded him, Tsuna sighed, out of Reborn's sight. He'd been building towards being with Kyoko for so long, his life now felt empty. What was he doing all of this for? He felt like quitting his training for the day, so he doubled the intensity of the flames and tried to burn himself. That still didn't hurt him, as usual for his own attack, so he tried increasing the size again.

Soon, a spiralling mountain of burning emotion surrounded the boy, easily thirty feet high. Still he pushed himself, as the flames darkened and spread out, burning grass and vegetation around him. Reborn was saying something, but he couldn't hear over the crackling and sizzling, and he didn't care- all that mattered was beating the flames around him. His sight was soon lost to him, smoke and a heat mirage overshadowing everything else.

Haru's hurt face crossed his mind, as Tsuna bashed his fist into the ground, flames crossing the ground like spider webs. Still he pushed himself, pouring every orange flame he had into the earth, wishing he could bury his own feelings alongside. His heart and chest ached, and his vision was growing blurry; he was close. He just felt like he had to push himself a little more- he deserved this.

The flames went out, and then the sky was wrong. Looking, he realised it was facing the wrong way, and his side felt strange. Uncomprehendingly, Tsuna listened to his infant tutor. He must have blacked out for a moment, and fallen over? Blinking, he realised he had burnt the entire scrub of this range of the mountains.

As Reborn said, "It's a good thing we don't train in your house, or else you'd be an orphan right now." Tsuna winced at his lack of self-control, and slowly made his way back into town, done for the day.

The sun had just set, and the sky was now purple with splashes of orange and red on the horizon. Tsuna felt hollow, and burnt out. Unconsciously, he had made his way to Yamamoto's place first, a short detour from his home. Thinking of the casual, optimistic baseballer, he supposed he would enjoy being around his rain guardian for a moment.

It was as he was just about to open the door when he noticed her. Sitting at a table, sharing some of his father's sushi, was Yamamoto and a girl.

Even at a distance, there was no doubt who it was. Her image and voice were engraved into his soul, as surely as stone.

Arm's spread wide for comic effect, Yamamoto suddenly put on a scary expression.

"… but that means… our sushi is people!" Kyoko giggled, hitting him in the chest lightly. He joined in her laughter, expression carefree and relaxed.

Tsuna stared blankly at them, rooted to the spot. Inside, a thousand and one emotions flurried around his heart; a heavy smothering emotion he couldn't name, a quick anger, a slow sadness, a deep sense of longing, simple happiness that two of his friends were happy. Which one was it? On the surface, he was calm, but he felt like he was drowning.

He was amazed they hadn't noticed him, standing behind the –it hurt to think- happy couple for so long. They seemed completely lost in each other's presence, a fact not lost on him. What was he doing?

He went to open the door, and confront them. What would he do? Hit Yamamoto? That option sounded tempting, and his hand had already balled into a fist. Congratulate them? That would be the most awkward and faked thing he could say. Maybe just order a drink, and leave without speaking to them? That last choice wouldn't accomplish anything, but at least they'd know he knew.

Sighing, he cursed himself for being able to think so calmly at a time like this. How he wished he could just run in and do something, act on the first emotion he felt! Tsuna turned, and ran as fast as he could home instead.

His lungs were burning, still tired from the training with Reborn, so he didn't make it straight away. In the end, he was at a slow pace when he reached his house. Looking back at the sky, he realized he did feel strangely calm. Maybe he was okay with those two dating after all.

Tsuna felt almost better knowing that other people were still dating and having fun. It was such a strange emotion, so hard to explain. He thought deeper, making sure not to let go of the feeling in his chest right now. It was like… there were always more people in the world.

He was guaranteed to meet new girls in his life, as he moved up in school and university. He had his whole life ahead of him, after all. For all he knew, there was a small, Vongola-allied mafia family that had just been thrust on a girl his own age, over in Italy. Tsuna smiled properly for what felt like the first time in weeks at the thought.

Whether it was a classmate such as Hana, or someone like Chrome that he knew from his mafia life, there were always more people to choose from.

The thought was a small comfort, to be sure, but it was enough for him.

A/N: The end. Thanks to all who read this far, and reviewed or anything else that took their fancy.