A/N: I got the inspiration after watching my OWN video that I made. It's a slash video between Hotch and Reid, and the more I tampered with the video, the more inspiration I got. I think this will be amazing. Plus, I will post the video on YouTube as soon as I'm done writing this as to not spoil the surprises. That and, the converters will not allow me to insert the video. If you would like to help, here's more description: When I try to insert my video to the converter, a notice pops up, okay, it says 'unable to insert media. Media file unsupported format.' Any help? If you help me, you'll make others happy. =)
Warning: Slash, nothing graphic. A lot of angst, again, nothing graphic.
Only pairing is Hotch and Reid that is already established at the beginning.
Prologue:
Reid POV:
I stood up from the leave covered ground, and notice what I had done, and not only what I had done, but also in front of my only family that may never forgive my undoubtedly wrong decisions. Before I have time to react to what they had seen me do, Aaron comes up to me with an already disappointed face that showed tears had been and still were shed. I didn't mean to hurt anybody, but I was hurting, hurting at the fact they hadn't noticed. They'd seen me shoot a man that was not only my supplier, but the one who nearly killed me after a wrong move. I know I shouldn't gamble and negotiate with my supplier, but I was running low on cash, and I wasn't going to be able to do anything else. He pulled a knife on me, but I was quicker. Self defense, I told myself, it was self defense. But even with those optimistic thoughts in my head, my subconscious mind wouldn't allow me to forget that what they saw after I'd shot him down. I couldn't imagine what they must've thought, seeing me kneeling over the built body in the leaves, reaching into the loose fitting jeans of the pale body and taking out to clear vials of a liquid they knew wasn't a harmless one. They knew my secret, they all knew, even Aaron. I didn't know what to do as I stood in shock as he approached me, seeing in the background the rest of the team leaving with tear filled eyes and regretful steps away from me, their shoulders stiff from the sadness and guilt over not realizing it sooner. It wasn't their fault though, I couldn't blame them... not for something that was my choice. And as he spoke to me softly, I couldn't hear anything, only the sounds of the wind rustling against the leaves and the howl in the sky, almost as if a wolf would be in a full moon, but that would've been too cliché for the mood of the moment. And, not looking up, even after my name is spoken more than once, gradually getting stiffer until he nearly yells it in my face using my first, middle, and last name. Spencer Samuel Reid, I thought... he never used my full name except for once before. I knew I should look up, but just couldn't force myself to look into his sad, bloodshot eyes. He notices that I acknowledge him talking to me, and begins with one statement that he'll help me through this, stating it true with a kiss on the lips. I finally meet his eyes and see the guilt and regret, then pull away. I couldn't do that to him right now. He doesn't need to take responsibility over me... never. Not after what I made him witness. Again, he talks soothingly into my ear, and I actually make myself listen and comprehend what he's saying. It's the least I could do. I didn't even think he'd want to be around me after what I made him witness... I thought he was going to fire me at the spot, leaving me to fend for myself in court in attempt to explain a junkie going to deal, and the deal going wrong. I'd surely end up in prison without a valid witness, and I was surely no exception in any way considering I'm hooked to the Drug Store Heroin, Dilaudid.
"Spencer Samuel Reid... You know everything will be alright, and I'll help you get over this. We'll do it together. You'll go to court and have all of us as a witness... I assure you, nothing will happen. I promise." The last two words really struck me and brainwashed my mind as he walked me to the SUV to sit down as the sirens annoying sound came from a distance and the medics from the inside jumping out. And after checking the pulse, and attempt to revive him, to no avail, did he wake up. They took him away in the ambulance, and after asked a few questions by police, I was allowed to leave and go back home... but that was another place I didn't want to go. I knew I'd have to talk about it, the big IT. My problem, and how we're going to do it together as Aaron said.
Before leaving, the team gathered one last look at me, their eyes sadder than when they'd seen me. I figure it was just the shock of the events, and the realization settling into place as a puzzle would. After the moments of seemingly paused motion and fast forward emotion, we were all gathering our thoughts and gaining the muscle to move from our places and go back home. I rode with Aaron alone. I guess the rest of them figured we'd need time for just ourselves at the moment. I'm glad for the less presence of stares, but I knew there's be a hell of a lot of talking to do. And as the first minutes of peace were quiet, the first word spoken was from Aaron.
"Reid, you..."
"I'm really sorry Hotch... I... I just didn't know what to do. I didn't mean to kill him." Hotch raised a hand as he hit the brakes hard, pulling to the side of the road and exploding into a mass of anger, guilt, and sadness.
"Reid..." He called me by my last name, something he never did outside of work. "You could've been hurt. That's not what I'm worried about. What I'm worried about is your health and this shit with your problem. I've done a lot for you... what is it I haven't done to make you want to forget... to want to feel numb? Am I not good enough for you? Please, tell me what it is so I can change that... please, just tell me, God, just tell me." By the end of it, his voice was inaudible, and he was choking on his own breaths with his head placed lightly on the steering wheel.
"It's not you... it's complicated... it's... I'll tell you tomorrow... I'm just really tired right now." He took a few minutes to compose himself, and when he did, he just nodded simply and pulled the car from the side of the rode and resumed their ride.
And in all the other SUVs, they all wondered the same thing, what was happening to their boy-genius?
A/N: I know, it was really descriptive and full of angst, but I promise you, this is not what all of the story's about. Trust me, it's way more complicated then that. Please review and receive sooner updates. Love you all!