"I Feel Petty"
A song to the tune of "I Feel Pretty", inspired by the Doonesbury strip of 7/10/09
(Mel and Roz are in the barracks, talking)
(music)
Roz: What has promotion done to you?
Mel: Promotion? Why my promotion?
Roz: Well, you aren't acting all confident because the caf is serving burritos tonight.
Mel: I suppose I do feel a bit odd.
Roz: Maybe you've just lost it.
Mel: No doubt. Afghanistan does that to a girl.
Roz: Well, you look somehow different.
Mel: I do?
Roz: I think you're up to something.
Mel: I am.
Roz: 'I do', 'I am'; you sound like a parrot, girl! What is going on with you, Mel?
Mel: (sings) I feel petty
Oh so petty
I feel petty, and stubborn, and mean!
And so petty
It's about time someone honored me.
(music)
I feel spiteful
Oh so spiteful
It's delightful how spiteful I feel!
And so petty
That I kind of want to make people kneel.
(music)
See the petty girl in that uniform
Who could that commanding girl be?
Such a petty face,
Such a petty 'tude,
Petty sergeant stripes,
Holy shit, it's me!
(music crescendo/trill)
I feel shabby
Somewhat crabby
Feel like giving unearned reprimands!
For at last!
I have something resembling command!
(music)
(Now, Roz and Mel are in the cafeteria, with the other mechanics)
Roz: (sings) Have you met my good friend, Melissa,
The craziest girl in the camp?
You'll know her the minute you see her—
She's the one who thinks sergeant stripes make her a champ!
She thought all was crap, But now she feels great
Mel: (sings) Roz, shut up!
Roz: (sings) So tell her that she
Was already first-rate!
Mech 1: (sings) Congrats to you, Mel;
Promotion deserved!
Mel: (sings) Thank you so—
Mech 2: (sings) We know you'll do fine.
Mech 3: (sings) Just don't get unnerved!
(Captain Seabrook enters the cafeteria, assumably to get lunch. All but Mel crowd around Mel)
Mechs: (sing) Keep away from her, Captain Seabrook!
This is not the Melissa we know
She's very well-trained
And no doubt well-raised
Mel: (sings) That's a stretch
Mechs: (sing) Hard-working and tough,
But totally crazed!
(music)
Seabrook gives them all a strange look, gets some lunch, and leaves. Once he's gone . . .
Mechs: Sergeant Mel! Sergeant Mel! Speech!
Roz: Sergeant Mel, bravo! Speech!
Mechs: Speech!
Mel: (sings) I feel petty
Oh so petty
The ev'ryone should avoid me!
Or I might just
Stick you with endless rounds of KP.
Mechs: (sing) ha x 10
Mel: (sings) I've got power
Oh such power
Enough power to ruin folks' days!
So much power,
That they even increased my pay.
Mechs: (sing) ha x 10
Mel: (sings) See the petty girl in that uniform
Mechs: (sing) That goes for all
Mel: (sings) Who could that commanding girl be?
Mechs: (sing) Which, what, where, who?
Mel: (sings) Such a petty face,
Such a petty 'tude,
Petty sergeant stripes,
Holy shit, it's me!
Mech 1: (sings) That's right it's you!
Mech 1: (sings) That's right it's you!
Mech 1: (sings) That's right it's you!
Mel: (sings) I feel shabby
Somewhat crabby
Feel like giving unearned reprimands!
For at last!
I have something resembling command!
(music crescendo, trill, finale)