Summary: Pam writes Sookie a list of things she wants to with her (& sometimes Eric), before she dies. 1/2
Rating: T for language and suggestion
Author: wicked18writer
Spoilers: There are some references made to books but if you just watch the show you'll get it. (own nothing)
A/N: Also I'm adding punctuation at the end of the list items for this fic to see if anyone notices or cares.
…..!…!…..
My Dear Telepathic Friend Sookie,
Eric informed me that he sent you a list of things you would do together before your weak human body decayed beyond the point of entertaining him and as you are my only telepathic friend I though I should jot down things for us to do before you leave us as well. It would be a shame if after your death I were left 'unfinished business' in regards to our friendship. I would probably go through several humans trying to complete these items on my list, which is what Dear Abby would call 'transference'.
Eric said you must comply with his list because he tricked you into a contract, I am not as desperate…you are only contractedly bound to engage half the items on this list! So choose wisely…
Sincerely, Pam
Begin each number with the sentence "With you, I want to":
1 Have sex with Eric.
2 Embark on a whirlwind music/dance tour where our sexy sextuplet girl power pop group Spice Vamps will perform…
3 …You will be known as Psych Spice…
4 …Amelia will be Vixen Spice…
5 …Tara will be Mild Spice…
6 …Hadley will be VERY Blonde Spice…
7… Lorena will be known as Bitch Spice and will eventually leave the group…
8 …And I will be known as Bisexual Spice.
9 Train your shifter boss to act as a carrier pigeon, in case of an emergency blackout or an event in which we are without access to cell phones. (Think of it as old school texting)
10 Burn all of your underwear so we can go shopping to get you new non-hideous lingerie.
11 Re-enact certain scenes from Wild Things, of course I'll play the Denise Richard's part, and Eric will have to stretch his acting abilities to play that trashy goth girl that Neve Campbell plays, and BTW I think you'll make an excellent naughty teacher as portrayed by Matt Dillon.
12 Come up with an evil plot to take over the world, only to be foiled and then angrily shout, "We would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids!"
13 Teach you how to speak my made up language of Guccieese so we can talk about Eric behind his back in front of his face.
14 Host a 'Make Fun Of Bill Compton' party at Fangtasia, where we all dress in polo shirts and kaki pants, and act boring, for those at the entrance of the club who don't know who Bill is, we will tell them to act bland, tell people their 'mainstreaming' and just go around screaming at each other "Sookie is mine!"
15 Enter a wet t-shirt contest where I am a participant and the judge and there are no other contestants besides you and me.
16 Attend a key party with all of my female pets, your friends except the Were's not including your shifter friend Sam Merlotte, NOT your brother, and Eric.
17 Host a girls only 'Get Your Vajayjay Shaved' event at Fangtasia right before the newly instituted 'Naked Day' party!
18 Fill Eric's car up with Jello and cover his throne at Fangtasia in 80 layers of bubble wrap.
19 Watch Amelia blood wrestle your friend Tara, and then we being the gracious ladies we are, will kindly take them to a shower and help clean then off…with our tongues…and then we will all have sex together.
20 Convince Eric and your brother that you woke up gay and have fallen in love with me and with to get married.
21 Start a clothing company wear we bedazzle blood drops and fang marks on turtle necks and then sell our wares on the Home Shopping Network.
22 Go up to people wearing an eye patch and say "Swash Swash, Buckle Buckle" and then walk away.
23 Start a fake telethon to help nonexistent baby vamp prostitutes who we say have resorted to begging or holding up signs on street corners that say "Will F*ck for Blood" and then ask people to send in donations so we can save the children.
24 Buy up PETA, ASPCA, and CAFT bumper stickers, posters, and random paraphernalia and attach it to the outside of your Shifter's trailer and spray 'Save the Naked Mole Rats' on the hood of his truck.
25 Film a your brother chasing a dollar wafting in the non-existent wind down the street towards us only to discover that we were pulling it by fishing line and then we kick him in the balls and send the video in to America's Funniest Home Videos.
26 Make a porno entitled, "The Shifter/Lion Watches as The Witch, The Vamp, & the Viking Have Sex With The Telepath in the Wardrobe."
27 Do a nude photo shoot together shot by Eric and use the pictures as wallpaper for the ceiling in Fangtasia, which will be more elegant and thus more profitable than the trashy mirrors Eric wants to add.
28 Shave Merlotte's eyebrows, to see if when he shifts into his furry doggie form, if the dog will also have no eyebrows (or hair where the eyebrows would be), and if when he shifts back, they grow back by means of some Shifter super hair growth ability.
29 Play the 'Black Mamba' sock puppet snake gag from the MTV show the "Wildboyz" and awaken someone (preferably a Shifter) whilst wearing a sock on our hands and then smack them awake and then say, "Black Mamba".
30 Buy one of those old time-y western saloon self playing pianos, force Chow to dress up as a old time-y bartender, then stage a fight between yourself and Ginger, only to have me come in dressed as the sheriff and break up the fight, and watch as everyone else looks on in confusion (including Eric) as we continue on with our skit for several hours without breaking character….
31 …in which we ultimately reveal that you (Sookie) are married to Chow the bartender, but are also my lover, as is Ginger, who is somehow pregnant from another man (we will draw a tourist into the skit at that point) and then Chow will get jealous because he wanted to cheat on you with Ginger but now can't because of her 'delicate' situation, so you slap him and then run to me, while Ginger runs to him to be comforted as we make out to make them jealous as everyone looks on in lustful confusion.
32 Host a 'Bring Out Your Dead' Monty Python party at Fangtasia and force everyone to speak without using the letters 'c', 'b', or 'v' and then throw out anyone who does not abide by our rules.
33 Open a face-painting booth at the entrance of Fangtasia and force all those who enter to do so either with whiskers, a zebra face, or hippy-esque peace signs rainbows and hearts.
34 Enjoy a classic wardrobe malfunction whilst dressed up for one of my various Fangtasia costume events. Perhaps when you attend our surprise costume party?
35 Show up to Eric's a "A Very Potter Musical" viewing party at Fangtasia wearing I heart "SModcast 29: Harry Scotter and the Order of the Penis" t-shirts.
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A/N: REVIEW ME PLEASE!
Also AUTHOR'S NOTE For explanation of some of my more specific pop culture references just so we're all on the same page: (explanation compliments of wikipedia) If you still don't get a reference just ask when you REVIEW me and I'll enlighten you.
#20 Is a reference to these old fic's where people would write these stories about these main heterosexual characters just waking up gay one day. I'm not sure if it was a sight or a challenge but I remember reading one like 6 years ago and I thought it was stupid in practicality but funny in concept.
#22 References something Orlando Bloom says on the behind the scenes DVD of one of the POTC movies.
#35 Is A reference to the Podcast done by Director Kevin Smith and Uber producer Scott Mosier, specifically the podcast they did regarding the last book "Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows" by JK Rowling. SERIOUSLY HILARIOUS. I listen to their podcast religiously. Also, again I reference the BRILLIANT musical parody of the Harry Potter book series, called 'A Very Potter Musical' which can & should be viewed on youtube for any self-respecting Potter fan.