Ian was crying again for the millionth time this morning and it was only 4 AM. Freddie was getting ready to work the early shift so that he would be home before Carly leaves that day.
I shushed in his ear a bit but finally Freddie had to take him and put him back to sleep. God, I felt so inadequate. What's a mother who can't put her baby to sleep?
Freddie saw my disappointment and smiled softly. "You'll be able to put him to sleep one day."
"Yeah, when he's seventeen probably," I said as I got back into the bed.
"You'll be able to-," he said as he looked at his watch. "I got to get going to work. Bye Sam." He said, giving me a quick kiss.
"Bye Freddie," I sighed and closed my eyes.
I woke up to the sound of Ian crying. I looked at the clock and noticed that it was ten-thirty. I hopped out of bed as soon as I saw that, wondering how long Ian had been crying for me. I felt like such a horrible mother.
I took him in my arms as he cried. I tried to soothe him while I left the room. As I was about to go into the kitchen, I almost ran into Mrs. Benson walking out with a bottle in her hand.
"Ah!" Mrs. Benson and I were both surprised by each other.
"Well there you are! I was wondering! Ian had been crying for almost two minutes!" she said.
"I was getting his bottle now," I tried going past her to get in the kitchen.
"I have a bottle here-." She said.
"I'll give him another-."
"But why? I have a perfectly good, healthy-."
"I really don't think that 'healthy' stuff is really good for him."
"What? The tests show that-."
"I'll just get him another."
"Take this one!" she demanded, not letting me pass by her.
"I don't think-." We were interrupted by a knock on the door. I didn't know what else to do so I handed Ian over to Mrs. Benson who started to feed him that healthy crap.
I opened the door to reveal Carly, a little earlier than expected.
"Hey Sam!" Carly hugged me immediately. "Sorry I'm a bit early. Is it okay?"
"Yeah sure," I said even though I was screaming in my head wishing that she had arrived late. My hair was probably a mess and I was in my pajamas with no makeup, no cover up on my face that has aged significantly since I had Ian. Freddie's has too.
"Where's Ian?" she asked. Carly loved Ian with all her heart. She was like an unofficial aunt or something.
"He's over there," I pointed to Mrs. Benson feeding my child whatever organic crap was in the "organically made" bottle.
She immediately went over to him and started petting his brown hair while he suckled on the bottle. Sometimes I wondered if she thought babies were like dogs and that they wanted to be petted.
"Hey little guy," she said to him. "Hello Mrs. Benson."
"Hello Carly," Freddie's mom had sure taken more of a liking to Carly ever since she started focusing all her energy on hating me. And there's also the fact that she would much rather have Carly for her grandson's mother than me.
"How's the job hunt Sam?" Carly asked me when we got into the room that Ian and I shared while Freddie had to sleep on the couch.
I shrugged, "no one's hiring Carly. I've been trying, looking all over but every time I find some place, they want someone with higher credentials and all that stuff."
"I'm sorry Sam."
"It's okay I guess. I just wish that I could find a job so that I can start saving up for Ian's college. He may be only seven months old but he's going to be a smart kid. I can feel it."
"Well I'm sure Mrs. Benson will help you out seeing as Freddie… well…"
"Yeah," I sighed, thinking of something that I had discovered last night. "Carly? Can I tell you something?"
"Of course." She scowled.
"I found something in that stupid jewelry box Freddie still has for some reason."
"What did you find?"
"His acceptance letter to MIT."
"Oh."
"Yeah…" I said. I suddenly felt uncomfortable with the girl who I had been comfortable with all my life.
"Well… Sam… you can't change it. And you know Freddie loves Ian with all his heart-."
"But… he could have been so much more than just a factory worker… while I would probably be stuck here. Sometimes I wonder if he resents me for not getting the abortion."
"Sam. You can't think that way. I'm sure Freddie understands."
"Yeah…"
"I'm sure he does and I'm sure he's just as happy as he would have been if he went to MIT if not happier. He has a family now."
"He could have had a family later. Not just a forged family made just after we graduated high school."
"Sam… you can't change anything."
"I know. I just- I just wish he wouldn't have made the choice to stay. Maybe then I'd feel less guilty."
Carly was just about to say something when I heard Ian crying from the other room. I immediately got up to get him.