Summary: Nice little collection of one shots where Jacob and Edward try to get rid of the ever so annoying Bella. Sadly the girl just doesn't seem to get that the guys are more interested in each other then her! Humor, Jacob/Edward Bella Lovers BEWARE!

Bell Is a Moron Files

This was going to be one hell of a night Bella thought to herself as she slipped into a nice little cheerleader outfit that she had picked up at Fredrick's of Hollywood a week ago in anticipation of this night. She had told the boys to show up at exactly 8 o'clock right after her father would be leaving for his second shift down at the police station. She was also certian to tell them to dress up as football players completing the perfect picture of her ultimate fantasy. She couldn't wait! She was about to get nailed by two of the hottest guys in town.

Bella Swan felt like the luckiest girl in the world. She finally had gotten Edward to agree to let her have a threesome with him and Jacob. The funny thing was that it didn't take much convincing on her part. The vampire had lit up like a Christmas tree when she had finally gotten up the courage to ask him and now she was finally going to lose her virginity in both holes (hee).

Bella sighed. She would totally dance around right now if she didn't have two left feet and wasn't prone to accidents.

The girl had to give herself props for using the boys love for her to push them into being friends. She encouraged them to hang out together, go to the movies together since they liked the same genre. Hell she had even gotten them to go camping together.

Oh they were so happy when they came back! Arms linked, smiling at each other, Edward playing in Jacob's hair, whispering secrets into his ear that made him grin from ear to ear. It was so cute. A week after their return they all slept over at the Cullen's house. They even chose to sleep together in the same bed and asked her to sleep downstairs so that they could bond. She even heard them wrestling and having a ball. Edward telling Jacob the basic techniques. She guessed that some moves were done harder, others faster because that's what Edward kept saying to Jacob the whole time until he screamed Jacobs name after he had finally done it right.

Emmett kept her company in the living room along with Alice and Jasper. But for some reason he kept referring to some movies called Brokeback Mountain and Latter Days. I told him that I've never seen them but I've heard good things. He told me that I would be able to see it right then and there in Edward's bedroom but I told him that I didn't want to disturb Edward and Jacobs male bonding time. For some reason Alice and Jasper kept laughing and saying something about dumb oblivious bitches and maybe they should have her for dinner which was odd.

Checking herself in the mirror Bella did a little twirl but had to stop because she got dizzy and fell down face first into hard wood floor. After shaking it off she pulled herself to her feet and regained her composure.

"This is going to be awesome!"

While saying this out loud she noticed a horrible stench.

"What the fuck died in here?" she questioned looking around the room.

It took her only seconds to realize what it was before rushing off to the bathroom and brushing her teeth.

Meanwhile Jacob and Edward were making out at Bella's front door. Edward's back was pressed hard up against the door as Jacob leaned into him, assaulting the vampires mouth with his mouth as one cold hand ran up and down his rock hard abs and another becoming entangled in his long black hair. Jacob felt as if his lungs were on fire but he didn't want to stop. If he was going to have to suffer through touching that girl in the slightest bit he was going to have a serious make out session with his boyfriend first. His annoyance turned to anger when Edward's phone started to ring. Jacob raised an eyebrow at the sound.

It was P!nk's Stupid Girl.

"What, how else would you describe Bella?" he smirked before answering.

"Hey, we're outside" he said quickly before sticking the phone back in his pocket.

"Can't we just leave and tell her that my father wants us for something? I don't think I want to touch the air head. I'm afraid stupidity is catching"

"Come on Jacob. I thought you were in luv with Bella" Edward teased.

"That was before I knew how good your blow jobs were" he said with a wink "The last time I let her try it the bitch scrapped me with her teeth! Thank God I'm not 100% human"

"Wait one fucking minute. She gave you a blow job! What a slut. She said that she loved me"

"Well I was horny and I told her that she could practice on me so that she didn't disappoint you. I tell you this chick will fall for anything"

Both guys laughed as they heard someone open the door.

Bella was standing there in her cheerleading outfit with one hand on her hip trying to look sexy.

Didn't she realize that she had on the shirt inside out?

"Umm Bella" Edward began, Jacob couldn't stop laughing.

"Yes Edward" the girl spoke in a horrible husky voice as she leaned forward to press herself up against him. However she ended up falling forward and slipping off the side of steps and into the bushes.

Jacob was now hysterical and Edward tried to hide his amusement as he helped her up.

"I'm ok" the girl said dragging the guys inside locking the door behind her and bringing them up the stairs and into her bedroom.

"I want you guys to sit down" she said motioning to the bed.

The Vampire and Wolf sat on the bed with their thighs pressed together, arms folded across their chests as they listened to yet another whining diatribe from the mouth of Bella Swan. Neither one of them wanted to be in the same room as the girl but Jacob made Edward promise to suffer through it, not wanting to hurt his friends feelings. He wanted to give the girl something that she really wanted before they broke the news to her. He couldn't believe that she had no idea that the two men had secretly been seeing each other behind her back for three months now. In fact the girl was so oblivious to whole thing that one night after she had fallen asleep during a movie the two men went at each other on the floor right in front of her as she slept. It was pretty sad but yet so much fun at the same time.

"Do you think that moronic Barbie here will ever shut the hell up? She's giving me a major headache" Jacob thought knowing Edward heard him.

"God I hope so" the Vampire mumbled.

What the hell did he ever see in her? The girl was a walking tragedy.

"If not you can always kiss her and tell her how much you love her so she'll stare into your eyes and go a catatonic state for a while"

"Kiss my ass Jake"

"I'd rather fuck it first"

Edward could barely keep it together. The thought of having Jacob inside him made his dick twitch and it didn't help that every time Bella's back was turned as she explained how she didn't want them fighting over her in bed (as if that was going to happen) Jacob either squeezed his thigh or flicked his new tongue ring at him and blew him a kiss.

Damn the wolf was hot but looking at the weird skinny girl in front of him made his dick grow soft. Bella the magic dick softener was now going to be his new name for her.

"OK?" the girl question loudly when she realized that the guys were so mesmerized by her beauty that they weren't paying attention.

"Sure"

"Whatever" came Jacob's response with an eye roll as he stood up.

"Let's get started, shall we"

The Wolf began removing his clothes as Bella stood off to the side of him and Edward sat on the edge of the bed in front of him. Never once did he move his eyes from that of his lover while the female Forest Gump looked on. He took his letterman jacket off slowly and let it fall to the ground. Next he lifted up his shirt slightly just enough to show his abs, tenderly caressing it's hard surface. He knew that he was torturing Edward when he played with his tongue ring before licking his lips, brown eyes resting on the Vampire seductively before completely discarding the garment.

Edward nearly lost his mind. He was hard as a rock from the display and he couldn't wait to have the Native. However just as he was about to walk over to his dominator and rip the rest of his clothes off of his body the dumb bitch walked over to HIS man and kissed him sloppily. Jacob noticed him looking.

"You jealous baby?" he thought with a mocking voice.

He then kissed the girl back all the while trying not to puke. Nothing was worse than kissing someone who not only sucked at it but seemed to have a bad case of halitosis as well.

Edward was pissed and he was sure that Jacob knew it but more importantly he was curious as to how he was able to withstand the smell of her breath. Not being able to take it any more he moved over to them taking the girl by the hair and throwing her onto the bed.

That'll teach the bitch to put her hands on what's mine.

However with the girl's luck she didn't just land on the bed but managed to roll over the side of it.

Both men just looked at each other and shook their heads.

"I told you that I didn't want you guys fighting over me! God Edward you should know that I love you and that this is just about sex with me and Jacob" she yelled fumbling with her hands all over her face like a retard.

What the hell was the matter with her?

At this point he had had it with the brain dead dick softener. Not only was she whiny and annoying but she had crossed the line by touching his Jacob.

"Listen you fucking…" Edward begin before Jacob interrupted him.

"I think me and Edward need to have a little time to talk some things over. I don't want him to think that we have anything serious going on. This is about giving you a wonderful night and nothing more" Jacob said knowing full well that he never wanted to touch her again.

He was also wondering if her mouth could qualify as a toxic waste site.

"Maybe you should go and get us something to eat and when you come back we will try this again. Ok?"

"Oh Jacob you are such a good friend. Thank you. I'll be right back" Bella said skipping out of the room.

Neither of them were surprised when they heard the girl tumbling down the stairs before shouting "I'm alright"

It wasn't as if they cared.

Turning his attention back to Edward Jacob made his way over to the boy that was sitting on the edge of the bed once again.

"I didn't know that my little bloodsucker was so possessive. It's kind of sexy"

"Not funny. Can we just go because I can't watch her grope you again" Edward pouted rethinking his promise to himself not to bit the clumsy girl.

"Don't worry about that right now. Just put that pretty little mouth of yours to work and make me forget all about Bella" the Wolf said placing his hips right in front the now smiling Edward.

The Vampire took his time unzipping and removing his partners pants, gripping the stiff member firmly with his hands before taking him into his mouth loving the taste of it and how it felt in his mouth.

Jacob threw his head back, allowing a moan to escape his lips. It was like music to the older man's ears as he took the tanned flesh further in, relaxing his throat muscles and allowing himself to take in all 9 inches as Jacobs pre cum oozed down his throat. He picked up speed and sucked harder causing the boy to thrust forward while gripping his hair tightly in his hands.

Jacobs breath was becoming ragged as he reveled in the pleasure that the Vampires cold mouth was giving him. Edward was damn good at this and he wasn't complaining but he needed more, he needed to be inside of his bitch. As hard as it was he removed himself from the man's cold grasp before pulling him to his feet and into a rough passionate kiss as one hand fastened around his lover's waist and the other squeezed his nice toned ass.

Within seconds the other man was naked, face down with the animal he loved laying on top of him, biting and sucking on his neck and holding his wrist down tightly. The feel of Jacobs erection at rubbing between his ass cheeks was driving him crazy. He couldn't wait any longer to feel every inch inside of him.

"Fuck me now Jake"

Jacob smiled wickedly at the request.

"Don't you want to wait for your precious Bella?"

"Fuck you, you bastard" he hissed back.

His words earning him a hard slap on the ass from the muscular man behind him.

"Be nice or you won't get what you want"

Off of his words Edward thrust his body upwards, grinding his ass into Jacobs hard on.

Soft whimpers and groans of pleasure erupted from the wolfs mouth.

"That was just dirty" he whispered into the Vampires ear.

"So make me pay for it"

"Don't worry, I will"

Without a single word the two became one, licking, sucking, fucking roughly like the savages they were until they could do nothing else but lay together with Edward's head on Jacobs chest while the wolf slept.

Edward tried not to move when he heard the front door open. He wondered if he should wake up Jake and hurriedly put their clothes back on before Bella made it to the room. But he decided against it. The girl was a moron and would probably come up with some stupid excuse as to the scene before her.

He couldn't help but laugh inwardly when he heard the girl's thoughts as she entered the room.

"Oh man! They must have fought over me and knocked each other out. I can't believe this. Of all the things to happen."

She must have noticed the clothes on the floor as she added.

"Jake must have shifted and tore off Edward's clothes. Oh God why did you curse me with these good looks to make men act this way around me. I'm really going to have to set them straight in the morning. Oh well, it looks like it's going to be me and the vibrator tonight"

Edward looked up to a sleeping Jacob and kissed him on the cheek after Bella had exited the room.

"Poor stupid Bella the magic dick softener"