Senseless Scribbles:

The Parody Collection

A/N: Haha. I'm back with my lovely sense of humor. It's been way too long since I've had anything remotely not angst related written.

I've been wanting to do something like this for sometime, even after I had written Kidnapping 101, so…I finally decided to parody almost every TM episode. (I wanted to start with Season 2, the season finale…but I remembered quickly that a) a certain someone is actually in season 1 and b) what better way to start something than to start with the beginning?) I don't know which episode I'll do next, but I'm thinking maybe…another season 1 episode?

Anyway, enjoy!

Title: Gettin' Frisky (or better known as The Pilot)

Rating: T, for language and sexual humor.

Summary: "I can magically appear through doors, walls, and even oven spaces but for the sake of the storyline, I stole your cardkey when I decided to frisk you."

Disclaimer: I obviously do not own anything besides the parody version of this.

Jane followed Lisbon up the path to the Tolliver home, his green-blue eyes trying to focus on anything and everything except Lisbon's swaying hips.

I will not think about anything kinky involving my boss.

I will not think about anything that could get me enrolled in a sexual harassment seminar.

I will not think about my boss in anything besides her work clothes.

I will not think about doing my boss, no matter how much I may or may not fantasize about it.

The thoughts continued in his mind until both of them met up with the captain. Jane ignored the blatant power play to focus on the neighbor kid, who definitely needed a new pair of pants or at least a different haircut before his gaze turned again to focus on the gurney carrying the covered body of Mercy Tolliver.

Hmm…I wonder if Lisbon would buy me one for my birthday…

His attention span, which Lisbon likened to one of a goldfish, focused on some man with a skull tattoo, and Jane wondered if Lisbon had any tattoos on her body—he tried discreetly glancing behind him, but she had already started to walk off from him.

"Mercy's father would like to conf…I mean make a statement." Jane turned his head to find the couple on a raise platform.

"I would like to take a moment and say that this case will be solved using my daughter's diary…" Jane allowed his all-seeing gaze to penetrate the male's statement, before he completely backtracked to break into the Tolliver's home and into the fancy, all too clean kitchen.

He decided because ultimately the kitchen was too clean that he would have to dirty it up by making two cups of tea and a sandwich.

"Hello Mrs. Tolliver." Jane greeted the blonde-haired woman, who had stepped into the kitchen.

"Who are you?"

"My name's Patrick Jane and I'm here to break into your home, drink some of your tea, eat your food and then I'm here to help you kill your husband…would you like a cup of tea?"

"Yes…I would, thank you." She didn't seem too disturbed by the fact that a random stranger would just enter her home, serve himself, and then casually throw out that he would like to help kill her husband. Jane brought the two teacups over to the woman, and sat down at the table making small talk about how calm the room was.

"I've been stalking you and your husband, and I want you to understand that I know how you're feeling right now."

"You have no idea." She responded. "Believe me." Once again, the woman didn't seem too disturbed that Jane had been stalking her or her husband.

"I do, I know and I want to help you." She glanced up at him.

"You can't help me." She scoffed. "What do you know?"

"Well, I know that you know that I know something that has nothing to do with your daughter." She raised her eyebrow in response.

"I…I don't understand…" She sputtered. "You're psychic…?"

"No," he interrupted, with the shake of his head. "I'm just handsomely good looking and I pay attention, which is hard to come by now-a day." She stared at him. "I used to make a good living off of pretending to be a psychic but uh…the pay wasn't so good, and I found out that I had a tendency of pissing off killers like crazy." Both of them stared at each other. "I tell you this, because I want you to understand there's no point of hiding things from me…"

"I have no idea what you're talking about…"

"You know what I see when I look at your husband?" Jane peered at her. "I see a husband who…"

"Yes…"

"I didn't even get to finish my long winded dialogue!" Jane whined, and she shrugged.

"Well, I know what you're going to say." She told him. "I get it a lot."

After a few more minutes of convincing Jupiter Tolliver that he knew something that she was hiding, her husband, Morgan decided to step into the kitchen—he was confronted, and then he ended up at the mercy of his wife's gun (which she pulled out of nowhere to shoot him with.) Lisbon and some other officers rushed into the room, guns drawn and Jane threw his arms up in the air.

"Honestly, it's not as bad as it looks."

She gave him the WTF look, before she called and raced after the distraught blonde woman.

"Mrs. Tolliver, Mrs. Tolliver! I assure you that he won't go unpunished for this one!" Jane tried his best for an innocent expression, but failed miserably.

Two Weeks Later

Lisbon stepped through the airport all badass, with three other agents behind her until the redheaded agent ruined the effect by pausing to stare at the baggage carousel in complete confusion.

"Oh hey…I forgot the luggage…which I think we need…"

"You forgot the luggage? What do you think you're on, vacation?"

"No ma'am…" She apologized, which prompted Lisbon to tell the redhead what to do next before she turned back to the two men, who stood on both sides of the boss.

"Come on, let's go…" Lisbon directed to the other two men, while the tallest agent flashed the terrified agent an almost sympathetic smile before he scurried along to follow his boss.

After a long enough car ride, in a magic vehicle that no one happens to ever see—the three agents, Agent Lisbon, Agent Tall and Agent Serious step down the sidewalk to find a taxi belonging to none other than the suspended consultant Patrick Jane.

Lisbon and Jane look as if they want to exchange more than banter, especially as he jogs to catch up with her but due to the PG-14 rating of the show—it can't be shown on TV.

"This case is mine!"

"Your case..."

"Red John is mine!" Jane paused at Lisbon's glance. "No, not like that of course but…you know what I mean…"

"No Jane," She answered. "I won't have any idea of what you're talking about until at least season two…but I can tell you that Red John doesn't belong to anyone."

"Actually…" Jane drew out. "Red John belongs to a bunch of producers, writers and directors…but we don't see any of those people on here, so yeah…Red John is still mine in a sort of non-sexual way."

"Whatever you say Jane, but don't come back till next week." She glanced over at the security guard. "Don't let this man pass." As she entered the building, her phone rang. "He…Jane, get off the damned phone!" The consultant pouted in the background.

OoO

After a few more minutes of sexual…erm... professional banter in the ME's morgue, and a home, a flashback occurs, which results in a huge time lapse of at least five years and several weeks, in which Jane is giving a psychic reading.

"Yes…I can see it now…" Jane read. "You will have at least thirty cats, and oh yeah, by the way, your father says he's sorry for all the pain he's caused you…"

"I forgive you, Daddy, I forgive you!" The woman weeps openly.

Jane comes to the astonishing conclusion that this is in fact not a Red John case, and that Brett Partridge, the CSI tech of the hour, is not only irksome but he also likes to get off on Fangoria before the three agents, excluding Jane head back to the local sheriffs office to where Jane, is once again right.

"Good morning," he greeted the young chipper agent, who seemed to be reluctantly moving closer to him.

"Can I help you?"

"You must be Van Pelt. A pleasure. Patrick Jane."

"Oh hi!" She gushed. "Good to meet you…"

"Just to let you know, you and Agent Rigsby are going to have tons of hot, steamy make out sessions in interrogation rooms." Van Pelt raised her eyebrow, while Jane continued. "Lisbon won't be impressed, but you'll certainly hear no objections from me."

"Who?"

"You know…the tall agent with the dark hair and blue eyes…?"

"Oh him, I doubt it." Van Pelt clarified. "Agent Cho said you'd left town."

"Oh you know. I had people to see…agents to seduce…fires to start…agents to try to seduce…" He glanced over at Lisbon, who still ignored him. "No, no where to go." Lisbon rolled her eyes, which prompted a few more minutes of meaningless talk about desks in the sunlight before Jane turned to find Lisbon.

"Very pleasant addition to the Serious Crimes family." Lisbon glanced up at him.

"Oh hi, when did you get h…"

"Like you haven't been watching me for the past five minutes or so flirting with Van Pelt." Lisbon didn't respond, which made Jane grin. "Don't worry Lisbon; you're still my number one girl." She blinked and he grinned. "Shall we go advance the plotline by going to visit the doctor who doesn't know who Red John is?" Lisbon nodded. "Excellent!"

OoO

"…We're a full service private practice," Dr. Wagner told both Jane and Lisbon as they wandered around his office. "We offer sex therapy, sports therapy, sex therapy, cosmetic surgery, sex therapy, organ transplants, sex…."

"Yeah, I got that." Jane interrupted with extravagant hand motions. "But what's the African connection?"

"Oh, you know…"

"Yes, I do." Jane agreed. "But as seeing that Lisbon isn't able to read minds just yet…you might want to say it." When Wagner didn't continue, Jane spoke again. "Out loud." Wagner nodded.

"Half our profits go to build basic staff clinics in Africa." Once the explanation was set, and Jane (plus Lisbon) knew that Alison (the dead victim) didn't have any problems besides the illegal gaining of birth control and the cheating on her husband, they decided to leave with Jane trying to weasel his way into owning more sleep control medicine.

"Yeah…though I did that for Alison, I don't feel right doing that for you." Jane beamed.

"Oh, it's alright." Jane admitted. "I'll just find someone to sleep with…" Jane glanced over at Lisbon, who glanced back.

"Don't even look at me, Jane." Lisbon responded. "If you think you're going to be getting any of that sleeping help from me, you're going to see the doctor." He only grinned in response.

OoO

For dinner, the collective group of agents (four named, and one still unnamed) decided to have seafood as they started in on the main course, Jane allowed himself to glance at the blushing Van Pelt and Rigsby (who was still unknown to everyone except Jane). "You know, we could seriously avoid some major plot failage if you both would just accept that having sex can never be the answer." Cho, Rigsby, and Van Pelt stared at him as if he had grown a second head; Lisbon only glanced down at the table, and shook her head in response—working with Jane pretty much contracted that you understood that he would make sexual jokes about yourself and your fellow agents.

"I have no idea what you're talking about Jane." Lisbon answered.

"Oh like you don't notice the flirting that goes on between those two, and people say our eye-sex is bad." Silence met his answer.

"That's because the both of you could probably power a car with as much UST you've got going on." Lisbon and Jane glanced at each other for a few moments, before Rigsby interrupted.

"Maybe you both should go get a room..." Lisbon glared at him, while Jane chuckled.

"I'd get her in a room, but whether she stays in a bed-I'll never know." Lisbon hit him from across the table with a bread roll. "One of these days, I'm going to report you for that."

"Uh huh." Lisbon agreed. "Sure." Lisbon took a sip of her drink.

"So what do you say to my room later…you, me, and a long list of things we shouldn't do, but we'll do anyway because we can?" Jane asked, coyly and Lisbon glanced at him as she sat her drink down.

"I'll go to your room, only if you somehow manage to find a copycat Red John to write you a letter and make you set off all the fire alarms as you throw yourself down fire escape stairs." Jane nodded.

"Oh, that can't be too hard to find."

And sure enough, it wasn't.

Throughout the rest of the meal, Van Pelt nicely pressed her religious views forward—to which Jane promptly informed her that no, he didn't have an immortal soul and he'd prefer it to remain that way.

In the elevator, five minutes later

"Goodnight." Cho stated, as he left the elevator after Van Pelt and Rigsby had said their goodbyes—both stood alone. In an elevator. Heavy breathing. Hotness.

"So…"

"No." Van Pelt interrupted. "We can't do this, no…" The doors of the elevator opened. "I promised myself I wouldn't fall in love with a tall and handsome unknown agent from the CBI."

"Unknown?" Rigsby muttered, as he stepped off the elevator, only to glance back at her. "Welcome to the unit, Agent Grace Van Pelt."

"Thank you, Agent Rigsby." The doors shut and Rigsby wondered if because she now knew his name, if that changed his chances with her.

OoO

"…why is it that you can't sleep?" Jane glanced up at Dr. Wagner, who sat across from Jane, in Wager's office—apparently, Lisbon hadn't been too thrilled about the whole staying up all night situation (or perhaps, she hadn't been happy about all the sexual innuendos at dinner?) but whatever the reason, Lisbon had actually called the creepy doctor to set him up an appointment. Hadn't Lisbon learned that a) he wasn't about to talk to creepy strangers and b) she was the only person he would tell his inner most personal secrets to?

"Hormones." Jane answered, simply before he threw back. "What makes you so creepy looking?"

"The water supply." Wagner answered back, seriously. "And…my blatant worshipping of Hannibal Lector." Neither man replied for a few moments, until Wagner continued. "No, seriously…what is it that keeps you awake at night?"

"Well, to save the trouble of a flashback that gets referenced over two seasons—I'll tell you that I pissed off a serial killer named Red John who decided to come kill my wife and child, because of this, I'm now only thirsty for revenge."

"Everything you told me is total fiction, isn't it?" Jane stared at the man in disbelief.

"Really? I couldn't even come up with a story like that if I tried." Jane argued, before he paused. "Well…I guess I could. It seems pretty….I don't know…fictional?"

"Why? I can tell you're in real pain. Why not tell the truth?"

"I'm…you know what?" Jane asked, smacking himself with his own palm. "Never mind, the truth is mine."

"I hear you."

"No, you obviously didn't." Jane argued, as Wagner handed the prescription over. "But you know what? Thanks for giving me some awesome drugs! I can now go share them with Lisbon to get her prepared for her awesome scene way after you're in jail." Wagner stared at him, before he and Jane walked to the entrance. "Oh yeah, by the way, Tannen kept a diary—it's in his office, go find it."

"Okay then!" Wagner responded. "I'll go find it, here; do you want to give me a hug?"

"After you open the door for me." Wagner proceeded to open the door with his cardkey that he hid in his pocket, as both men decided to share a love hug! "Have fun searching for the diary!" Jane left Wagner, as Wagner ran with the ferocity of a thousand beasts to Tannen's office to start trashing the office. Jane suddenly appeared with that "all-knowing" look printed across his face.

"Lost something?"

"Hey! How'd you get in here?"

"I can magically appear through doors, walls, and even oven spaces but for the sake of the storyline, I stole your cardkey when I decided to frisk you." Jane announced. "What's your excuse?"

"Uhm. I own this place."

"Not good enough, but we'll deal with that later—I think I left my phone in your office, I need it back because it has all those pictures of Lisbon on…"

"I'm looking for the diary, okay!" Wagner blurted. "Help me!" Jane nodded, and decided to crawl on all fours to peek under the bookshelf to pull out the little orange book.

"Hmmm…I've heard of little black books before, but this—orange must be the new black." Jane concluded. "Okay, well thanks. I'm going to go ahead and give this to Lisb…"

"Mr. Jane, your phone?"

"I almost forgot!" Jane raced off into Wagner's office, and picked his phone off the couch he had been sitting on. "I need to leave now, so…don't shoot me until I'm at least five steps away from you…k?"

"Wait!" Wagner interrupted, a gun pointed at Jane. "Give me that!" Jane tossed the orange book toward Wagner, and Wagner flipped through it. "Is this your idea of a joke?" Jane snickered.

"Actually, it's my idea of a good time." Jane stated. "That's why I couldn't sleep."

"Very clever of you, but now you must die!"

"Not if…not if…I throw these sharp things at you." Jane grabbed the porcupine quills and threw them at the man before he took of running (for a second time in forty-eight hours) and met Rigsby in the doorway. "Draw your weapon! Now! So I don't die, because if I did—we'd never have any false shipper hope, and almost everyone wants Lisbon and I to get together!" Rigsby fumbled around for his gun, only to point it at Wagner.

"Drop the gun! Down on your knees! Now!" Wagner followed Rigsby's orders, and overall, it was another closed case for Patrick Jane.

Sometime Later

"I brought donuts!" Jane cried, as he came into the unit carrying a pink box of donuts while everyone ignored him. "Oh come on, I promise they aren't poisoned this time and we closed another case, I really just went to get sleeping pills, you know…since my family's death that I don't talk about, I can't sleep anywhere."

"Uh huh…"

"That's why we had that scene where I ended up in that diner." Jane placed out there. "So, am I forgiven?"

"You screwed around with a family…"

"Eh, that family was screwed anyway." Jane beamed. "Don't blame yourselves okay, because if you do, you might turnout to have a ridiculous amount of issues like Lisbon and I do." Jane glanced at Lisbon, who still ignored him. He stepped over to her, as she continued to work on her paperwork.

"Don't even start. I'm still angry."

"I'm sorry…"

"No you're not." Instead of a reply, Jane placed a frog down on Lisbon's desk. "A frog? Yes, because you couldn't have just sprung for something a little…I don't know…normal to give me?" Jane only grinned, as he walked away only to hear her gasp. "It's alive!"

Instead of doing anything celebratory, Jane decided to go home and wallop in the angst that is his life by sleeping under a creepy ass Red John smiley.

Yes, Patrick Jane needed a life.