Alright. I'm back! W.A.R has returned, and with a, hopefully, comedic story. I wrote it some time ago now, and haven't really reread it since.

I view this as the reason Ulquiorra turned out as stoic as he did. Poor kid got scarred.

Slight Yaoi Warning. More than slight, really.

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He wandered, partially waddling, through the halls of his new home, Las Noches, inside his body an organ ached painfully in his abdomen, and he did not know how exactly to relieve this ache. Though he knew what the pain meant, he did not understand where... it came out. The fluid known to humans as urine.

He felt ashamed for not knowing, but he was new to his human form and had not had much time to learn anything about the body. All he knew is what he had learned from his Hollow days, and that wasn't much other than some human terms, and the fact that certain souls tasted better than others. And when you needed to learn about the human anatomy quickly, that knowledge didn't help very much at all.

So, quite nervous and slightly shaky the young looking boy quickly waddle-walked his way around, desperate for the answer, but too scared to ask for it. Who could he ask for something like that? He was a tough Hollow, not some snivelling little human boy wanting to go potty!

"Having issues, little Hollow?" The little Hollow-Boy turned, his green eyes slightly wider than before, and his mouth agape. He felt a large hand rest beside his helmet-like mask and onto his sleek black hair. He looked up into a smiling face of one of his Soul Reaper superiors, and felt himself flush at being asked such a question.

"What makes you say that, Soul Reaper?" He listened as his voice cracked under both the strain of holding it in, and the fact that his superior was petting him. "And get your hand off me!"

"Now, now little one, is that any way to talk to someone who wants to help you?" With annoyance the Arrancar noticed that the man did not stop smiling. "I'm Ichimaru Gin, and you are?"

"... I've been named Ulquiorra Schiffer."

"Ulquiorra, huh? Well, Ulqui-san, you've been rushing around for an hour, is there anything I can help you with?" Ichimaru removed his hand, kneeling down to Ulquiorra's temporary short height. He would grow soon, and be the stature he would live with for years, though Ichimaru couldn't help but notice that he was a cute kid, and he wondered how he'd turn out in the long run.

He watched the pale boy's face flush, and he shook his head, quite vigorously, no. "There's... nothing. I'm fine, Ichimaru Gin."

"You sure, kiddo? I don't want to leave ya running around this place if you need help with something that I might be able to help you with."

Ulquiorra looked down at his feet, pondering the offer. The man seemed to be talking in a genuine manor, really wanting to help the small Arrancar with his problem. And as far as the green eyed Hollow could tell they were both male, how bad would it be to ask? "W-well..."

"Hmm? What is it? Come on, you can tell me." Ichimaru's smile never faded, and his eyes never opened, yet Ulquiorra was sure the man could see him perfectly.

"W-well, I... you see... I don't know how..." his voice grew tiny and trailed off into a small muffled tone that even another Arrancar couldn't pick up if they wanted to.

"What was that last bit, little one? You don't know how to do what?" Ichimaru frowned in confusion, tilting his head to the side, and Ulquiorra tugged on his shoulder, willing him to lean down to his height while the boy himself stood on his tiptoes to reach the tall man's ear. And Ichimaru, if he ever really opened his eyes, knew that they would be wide if he chose to open them. He didn't mean to, but he found himself laughing at Ulquiorra, gently.

The small boy huffed, still in pain from his overflowing bladder (which he knew happened to be one of the worst tasting parts of the human body). "C-can you help me?"

"How don't you know? How can you not know how to..." he looked at the hurt face of the small Arrancar. "Sorry, sorry, I forgot you're a newbie. Listen, tell me what you don't know but be exact."

"... I don't know where it comes out of."

"... Oh! You don't know... Oh... Uh, listen kid, I... er, I don't think I'm the person you want to ask this... I wouldn't know how to explain!"

"But... i-it really hurts." The silver-haired man was shocked as he watched the wide, child-like eyes water. "Please help me Ichimaru-san!"

"Well... if you really need me to..." he watched the man's hand reach down to point at the area between his legs. "Well, Ulqui-chan, do you know what's down there?"

"Something that dangles."

Ichimaru quirked an eyebrow in surprise. "I'll take that as a no." He laughed slightly, rather nervous about explaining such a thing to a little Arrancar—fresh from being a soul eating Hollow. "Well, Ulqui-chan, it's true that it does dangle... but in reality it's called a penis."

Ulquiorra blinked. 'Penis. Pee-Nis. Oh! Pee!'

"Do I pee from there?" he asked, excitedly.

"Yes, good, you catch on quick!"

Ulquiorra smiled broadly, relaxing his tense muscles. Ichimaru's arms moved in a hurry, quickly picking up the small boy and running to the nearest window, yanking down his overly large white pants and allowing the yellowish liquid to flow freely. 'Jesus, it really does dangle... and he's just a kid...' When the flow stopped he set the boy down, waiting for him to pull up his own pants—which he did not.

"So this is a pee-pee?" The fox-faced man frowned, eyes closed like always, as he watched the boy point down towards it. "...Is that all it is used for, Ichimaru-san?"

"Hahaha! You're an inquisitive kid, aren't you?" He knelt down, grasping the kid's pants and hauling them up quickly. "But it's not proper to keep your pants down."

Ulquiorra pouted. "But it feels better without them!"

"Please don't argue kiddo." Ichimaru patted his head, his smile returning. "Alright, you asked me what this thing we have can do, right?"

Ulquiorra, still pouting and upset, nodded. "I did. Is peeing all it's for?"

"No, no! It has three functions in all, would you like to know them all, Ulqui-chan?"

He watched the Hollow nod excitedly, and he picked up the kid, carrying him to a nearby room where they could talk in private. "Well, you know the first function."

"Peeing! I think that's the best one!"

"You don't even know the others..."

"Peeing's still the best!"

Ichimaru chuckled, patting the boy's head before continuing. "Well, the second function is much more... pleasant. You see, the pen—"

"Pee-Pee!"

"The.. Pee-Pee, is the key... contributor to the action known as sex. In which it get's very hard and you have sudden urges to slam it into holes."

Ulquiorra's eyes widened, the great big orbs watering with fear at the thought of slamming his pee-pee into a hole. "That's dirty!"

"Oh no, you can get very clean holes."

An image of someone cleaning a hole with soap and water filled the young looking boy's mind, startling him and causing him to cup his pee-pee in his hands in fear.

"Though preferably, myself, I like to stick it in Aizen's hole."

Ulquiorra's eyes watered at the thought of watching Aizen-sama, his Aizen-sama, digging a hole for Ichimaru to 'stick it into'. And then watching and waiting for Ichimaru to dig a hole for him, and the image scared him into tears.

"Eh? Why are you cryin' Ulqui-Chan?" Ichimaru asked, confused at the tears the boy now let flow freely down his cheeks.

"I don't want to stick it into dirt!"

Ichimaru felt himself unable to stop his laughter as he realized what the boy was thinking. "No, no, Ulqui-Chan, not a hole in the ground. A hole that's in the back of you."

Little Ulquiorra pointed to his Hollow hole at the base of his neck.

"Er, no. A hole that's down here..." Ichimaru turned, pointing at his own bottom. "Well, that's the hole if you're into guys, but if you like girls, then they have a hole where our... pee-pee, is."

Ulquiorra couldn't help but to picture big ol' Hollow holes in that sensitive area of both men and women, and once more the tears started to flow, realizing that his Pee-Pee wouldn't fill a Hollow hole.

"What now, Ulqui-Chan, what did you misinterpret now?"

"My Pee-Pee wouldn't be big enough to fill a hole!"

"What kind of hole are you thinking of now?"

"And I never knew people had Hollow Holes down there! What if I really can't fill it properly?"

"Oh... um, how do I put this? It isn't as big as a Hollow Hole, not even close. Don't you worry, from what I saw you'd fill the hole I'm talking about just fine—even now. Though I suggest you wait the few weeks it'll take you to grow up." Ichimaru, perplexed by the boy's imagination, or just lack of common sense, tried to be supportive in Ulquiorra's learning process.

"Oh..."

Before Ulquiorra could imagine any more scary images Ichimaru continued quickly. "And now, the third and final function of a ... pee-pee."

Ulquiorra looked up expectantly, excited to learn the final function of his pee-pee so he'd know if he would actually be able to use the next one sooner than three or four weeks.

"Well, the final function.. Well, our pee-pee makes us dumb."

"Dumb?" Ulquiorra asked, shocked. "I don't want to be d-d-dumb!"

Ichimaru watched, confused, as Ulquiorra, in a panic, fled the room, tears trailing behind his small form. And he was positive that he heard somewhere down the hall the screaming of "I don't want to be dumb" at what was probably an innocent bystander.

The silver haired man walked happily out of the room, though stopped smiling as he bumped into a smaller form than his own, and to see Aizen, slightly wet, and slightly furious. "What happened to ya, Aizen?"

"I got showered on by a yellowish liquid—you wouldn't know anything about this, would you, Gin?"

Ichimaru backed away slowly, slightly scared. "W-well, I was tryin' to teach Ulquiorra about the male's penis, since he didn't know how to pee... and well, he was just gonna let it go on the floor so I had to do something! I didn't think right Aizen, and put him out the window..." Ichimaru scratched the back of his neck. "But I doubt you want to stay smelly right? So let's go take a shower."

"Shower is fine, but you'll be punished later."

"Ooh! Does it involve the handcuffs or the whip?"

"Probably both."

Ichimaru clapped as he followed Aizen to the man's room for a lovely shower, but stopped a moment later.

"What is it, Gin? I would like to take a shower right now."

"Come to think of it, I never told him a toilet is where you pee. I hope the little guy doesn't think that you're supposed to be pee out the window."

In the distance they heard a loud screech, and they realized that the voice was Charlotte's.

"I really hope he didn't just..." though before Ichimaru could continue the sentence he found himself being pulled along the hall.

"Not our problem. I need a shower before Charlotte uses all the hot water." Aizen paused in his speaking, before swivelling his eyes towards his lover. "And you can include the c-ring in your punishment now."

"God I love it when I do bad things."

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That's it! I hope you enjoyed this little tale and I can't wait to post another for you.

Reviews are highly appreciated!

Peace,

W.A.R