After what may have been a few hours or just a few minutes, there was a knock on the door. Olivia tensed, but Alex held her more tightly and murmured, "It's okay."

"It's me," called a voice Olivia recognized as Mrs. Cabot's. "Can I come in?"

Alex hesitated before answering, "Yes."

Olivia managed to smile to herself. Alex was the only nine-year-old she knew who said yes instead of yeah, because "yeah isn't a real word; it's slang and educated people don't use slang."

Mrs. Cabot slowly opened the door and came inside, perching on the bed beside Olivia and gently rubbing her back. "How are you doing, sweetie?" she asked.

Olivia looked at the ground. She didn't know how to answer. She didn't know what Mrs. Cabot wanted to hear.

"What you did with the scissors really scared us, Olivia," she said quietly. "Can you tell me why you did that?"

Olivia shook her head and buried her face in Alex's shoulder. Alex, who had been there for her all this time. She truly had the best friend in the whole world. "I'm sorry," she whispered, although she wasn't sure if she was directing her words at Alex or her mother.

"It's okay, sweetie. You're not going to get into any trouble. We're just concerned," said Mrs. Cabot.

But Olivia couldn't explain why she'd done what she'd done. If she said the words out loud, that would make them true. And she was afraid. She was more afraid than she'd been in her entire life.

"Mommy," whispered Alex, letting go of Olivia and holding her arms out to her mother.

That was all it took. Mrs. Cabot pulled Alex into her lap and rocked her gently back and forth, and Olivia had to look away. She would always come second, as it should be. Alex would always be the most important thing to her mother and her well being would always come first.

"It's okay, Alex," murmured Mrs. Cabot, tenderly kissing the crown of her head. "You're okay."

But Olivia wasn't. She wasn't okay and she wasn't sure she would ever be okay again.

Alex climbed out of her mother's arms and hugged Olivia again. "Tell my mom what happened," she told Olivia.

But Olivia couldn't. If Mrs. Cabot knew how dirty she was, she wouldn't want Olivia to stay in her house and contaminate it and her daughter, and if Alex knew, she wouldn't want to be Olivia's friend anymore. She hadn't managed to rid herself of the dirtiness inside her. So she just shook her head.

"Honey, tell me what happened," urged Mrs. Cabot.

Olivia scrunched her eyes shut and pressed her hands to her ears. "Leave me alone!"

"Okay, okay," soothed Alex's mother, gently taking Olivia's hands in her own. "You don't have to talk if you don't want to, but if you do, I'm here. And Olivia, scissors aren't toys. You can hurt yourself really badly."

Sometimes adults just didn't understand. How could Olivia explain that that was the whole point? If she cut deep enough, she would reach the dirtiness inside her and then she would be clean again.

"How about I put the movie back on for you girls?"

Alex looked at Olivia, who slowly nodded her head, conceding for now. She knew she wasn't going to get anywhere near a pair of scissors or anything sharp for now. But later, when everyone else was asleep, then she could try again. Maybe if she got rid of the dirty thing inside her, she'd be able to stay with Alex. She could be a normal kid again, a good kid. That was what she desperately wanted.

Alex and Olivia went back into the family room to finish the movie they'd started watching. Olivia squirmed around on the couch, too restless to really concentrate on the video. Her thighs were hurting so much that she thought she might bleed to death beneath the bandages, and the pain made it impossible to stay still for long. But she deserved the pain she was feeling now. She'd done it to herself, after all.

"Stay still," Alex finally snapped. "I'm trying to watch the movie!"

Olivia stilled immediately. "Sorry."

Alex's expression softened. "Does it hurt, Liv? My dad can –"

Olivia shook her head. "I'm okay."

Alex was watching her out of the corner of her eye. She paused the movie and turned to Olivia. "Why did you do it, Livvy?"

"Why did I do what?" she asked, even through she knew perfectly well what Alex was talking about.

"Why did you hurt yourself?"

Olivia shrugged helplessly. "I don't know. Could you please just forget about it?"

"But, Liv –"

"No 'but Liv'. What part of 'I don't want to talk about it' don't you understand?"

"The 'don't' part," answered Alex dryly. Then to Olivia's surprise, Alex's deep blue eyes filled with tears. "That was a really stupid thing to do, Livvy. What if you'd cut too deep? You could have died. And I don't want to lose my best friend!"

Olivia reached out to hug Alex. "That's not going to happen."

Alex looked up through frightened glassy eyes. "How do you know?"

"That wasn't the point."

"Then what was?"

Olivia buried her head in her hands and finally whispered, "I wanted to get the dirtiness out."

Alex's eyes were pools of sadness. She opened and closed her mouth a few times, but nothing came out. "Why?" she finally asked.

Olivia sighed, leaning toward Alex. "It's inside me."

Alex didn't know what to say. She just wrapped her arms around Olivia and held her tightly. It was all she could do.

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