A/N: This is unapologetically for KAST. You have made me smile and laugh many times. Here's hoping this returns a bit of that.

She was surrounded by idiots.

Shepard wandered through the crowds on the Citadel, wishing she had her combat armor on every time someone brushed up against her or stomped on her toes. She had her Hand Cannon and was briefly tempted to fire at the ceiling in order to clear a path she could walk through, but the last thing she wanted was to draw attention to herself.

Especially since her face and Kaidan's were splashed everywhere.

Vendors were selling t-shirts and balloons. There were wall tapestries and posters…and at least one VI of her with rather improbable breasts. Turian children had toy replicas of her Widow and were shooting at small Geth targets. There were commemorative plates that creeped her out at the thought someone might actually be eating food off of her face. More than a few human children she'd seen had various sizes of plushies with her hair, a morphed face and N7 armor on. Kaidan plushies were also in abundance, bringing a brief smile to her lips.

The smile died as she checked her omni-tool.

No message. She really hoped he wasn't freaking because she had disappeared after Bailey let them out of jail. She really hoped he wasn't freaking because she'd gotten his mom arrested, too. Besides, she still had a couple of hours before the wedding was to take place. At least seven. Maybe ten.

Or only three.

Breathe! In with the good air, out with the bad!

Calming, she rubbed her forehead and deliberately began searching the vendors about her as a distraction.

She just needed time. Space. She needed to think. She needed…

That action figure of Kaidan Alenko dressed in Phoenix armor as he raced through a burning SR-1 Normandy.

"That's a collector's edition Lieutenant Commander Kaidan Alenko depicting the final moments of the SR-1 Normandy. The edition number is etched on the helmet in his hand." The Asari vendor said, her voice almost reverent. "This was the first attempt by the Collectors to kill Commander Shepard."

Shepard blinked at her, glanced at the large poster right next to the Asari of Shepard standing in her battle scarred armor after Saren's defeat on the Citadel and smiled. "You do have to give them credit for succeeding." Her finger rubbed over the bump in toy Kaidan's hair making her laugh.

"Depends on which rumors you believe." The Asari answered. "You know why he's wearing the Phoenix armor, don't you?"

Oh, she had a pretty good idea, Shepard mused to herself, a silly grin about her face. It had something to do with the fact she had hidden all of his other armor and clothing and forced him to wear that or nothing. Either way had been a win for her, had been her reasoning.

"Tell me." Shepard said, her eyes lit with humor.

"It was their last night together before she died." The Asari sighed. "How romantic is that? Somehow he knew she was going to die and this was his tribute to her."

Shepard bit her upper lip making it look as if she was seriously contemplating the theory when in actuality she was trying not to laugh. "I don't recall Commander Shepard ever wearing Phoenix Armor, myself." She finally managed. "How was K—Alenko wearing it a tribute?"

The Asari waved a hand. "Oh, I've studied you humans. I know Pink is the color of true love for you. He was telling her how he felt even though she was his commanding officer and they could both be executed for their love."

Shepard used her poker face to control her laughter and nodded soberly. "Wow. I had no idea." She had visions of a firing squad, Anderson at the forefront, Udina in the cheerleader section and she and Kaidan blindfolded and tied to poles as the execution call began.

"It's so romantic! The star crossed lovers, torn apart by destiny, by death itself and then finding each other again!" The Asari gave a sigh.

Shepard gave a snort and then coughed as the Asari frowned at her. "Sorry. That story always chokes me up."

"Are you a member of BTB?" The Asari motioned to a t-shirt rack standing just behind her. "They have memberships across the Galaxy and home offices on Earth, the Citadel, of course, and we just opened one on Illium."

Frowning, Shepard tilted her head, studying the t-shirt. There appeared to be flames engulfing some sort of white square. "No. What is it?"

"Burned Towel Brigade." The Asari clicked on her omni-tool. "We have an extranet petition signed by species all over the galaxy demanding that Kaidan Alenko never wear a towel again under any circumstance."

"Get out." Shepard sputtered her laughter. "No, seriously. Where do I sign up?"

The Asari's expression grew delighted. "I just knew you were one of us! I could tell by how well you'd done your Commander Shepard cos-play. The blood and bruises are a really nice touch, by the way."

"Thank you. It took some work to get this way but it was very satisfying." Shepard responded, grinning as she recalled the exquisite pain of smashing Rahna's face into a chair. "I need several of those shirts. Each color should be fine."

"Oh, if you want those, you'll love this." The Asari all but squeed as she ducked down behind the counter and came up with another action figure.

It was Kaidan again, naked but for the blue towel wrapped about his waist.

Stunned, charmed and starting to be a little afraid, Shepard took the figure carefully. "How'd you get footage of him like this?"

"Oh, there's no real footage, but we have some of the best artists. The print that goes with this is also a limited edition and very popular." The Asari sighed again. "He's anatomically correct, too."

Shepard nearly dropped the anatomically correct Kaidan Alenko.

"But if you're part of the Burned Towel Brigade, then doesn't this make a mockery of your demands?" She managed after steadying her grip.

The Asari smiled and handed over a small pack of cloths that looked like the blue towel he was wearing. "You can replace them after you burn them."

"Why?" Shepard asked without thinking and had the Asari laughing.

"I know! Why would you want to?" The vendor agreed. "I like different colored towels, too, but he usually just ends up naked for me."

"Me, too." Shepard agreed. "I mean, he will. After I buy this, of course."

"We're actually quite tame compared to some of the fans for Commander Shepard's team." The Asari said. "And you wouldn't believe what the Talimancers get up to."

"I'm afraid to ask so I'll just change the subject…what do you think of Commander Shepard?" Shepard set Towel Kaidan down and found herself looking at a small wedding cake couple with her and Kaidan's faces and their armors. The Shepard bride even had a Widow on her back.

"Oh, she's great for him. But if she ever hurts him, we're adaptable." The Asari's smile was just short of menacing. "BTB stands for Burned Towel Brigade, but it can just as easily stand for Burn The Bitch."

Ooooookay. Maybe Talimancers…whatever the hell that was…weren't the only creepy ones. No way was she going to ask about Shepard fans, either.

"Aren't you surprised by this?" Shepard motioned her hand about. "All the hoopla? It's just two humans getting ma-married." She stumbled on the last word and checked her omni-tool again.

No message.

"They saved the universe from the Reapers. I hated humans until they came along." The Asari's expression held the regret of a reformed believer. "My mom was stationed on the Destiny Ascension when Saren attacked, though. Shepard saved her life."

"Oh." Shepard wasn't sure what to say to that. She'd just been doing her duty.

"Can you imagine how excited she must be today?" The Asari sighed again. "She's marrying the man of her dreams. A man who loved her so much that he broke military regulations to be with her and then mourned her the entire time she was dead. When she came back, he dumped everything to be with her. Can you imagine someone loving you that much?"

Shepard's eyes sank closed. "No." She said, her voice suddenly husky. "I can't. It's…I don't think I could ever be good enough to deserve that kind of love."

The Asari didn't pay any attention. "She's probably dressed now, in her flowing pink gown, showing Kaidan how much she loves him. Excited to know that…"

"I should go." Shepard said abruptly, the sick feeling in her stomach coming back with a vengeance. "Uhm, send this to the Normandy, will you?" She motioned to the t-shirts and action figures.

"Haha. I'd deliver myself if I thought they'd accept me." The Asari snorted in derision.

Shepard arched an eyebrow at her. "I'm actually more worried that Joker will play with my toys before I get a chance to."

The Asari froze, her eyes on the name of the credit account the purchases were being debited to. "Oh. You're…no way!"

"Late is the word you're looking for." Shepard flashed a grin. "And as an FYI…I am not wearing a pink wedding dress."

She wasn't entirely sure what her dress looked like, actually, Shepard mused as she left the stand and began to wander again. She vaguely recalled looking at several examples and then having a panic attack and randomly punching one before going to the gym to work her body into an exhausted state of calm. In fact, it was probably a good thing the wedding had pretty much been taken out of her hands because it would never have been planned otherwise.

She really needed to get a grip on this.

She was marrying Kaidan, that was what she wanted, wasn't it? Girls spent years planning the details of their weddings, the groom being a mere amorphous afterthought to be tacked on later. They had color schemes, bridesmaid dresses, the whole shebang all meticulously chosen, discarded, chosen again and only finalized on the days leading up to the event.

Shepard had a made a concerted effort to be either drunk or fighting the last several days. It had made for a wonderful impression on Kaidan's parents.

So, was it the details? The ceremony itself that had her wishing for an invasion of any kind to disrupt it?

Shepard considered the idea with her usual logic and shook her head. No.

The ceremony was a detail that meant nothing to her. Whether it took place or not simply meant a disruption to her life of mere hours, something to be endured and she'd spent enough time in military pomp and circumstance to not be bothered by that.

Was it Kaidan?

The thought of living without him caused her gut to burn and her trigger finger to itch with the need to make sure nothing ever happened to him even if she had to kill the entire universe to make certain of it. The fact they both had high risk jobs caused more than a few sleepless nights for both of them.

No, the only thing she was sure of in this entire circus was Kaidan.

Which left only one person as the reason she was freaking out.

Herself.

Rubbing her forehead, Shepard took a notice of where her feet had taken her and smiled softly. She was in the observation area of the Wards, near Dr Michel's clinic. The large panorama had been a rather eye opening surprise for her at the extent of the Citadel's breadth and width. She remembered standing here, the long dead Ashley Williams standing next to her and Kaidan on the far side, all of them slightly in awe. She'd mouthed off, using humor as she often did, to put things into a perspective she could deal with, and Kaidan, in a very uncharacteristic fumble of words, had let it slip that his interest in her was a bit deeper than someone of a lower rank should have.

"I always wondered if you did it on purpose." She said aloud, her gaze not moving from the view in front of her.

Kaidan moved alongside her, his attention on the view in front of them. "I'm not so sure anymore, myself."

She nodded, slowly. "You were a lower ranked office for me up until that point. Someone in my squad who had proven himself in combat and I wouldn't worry about guarding my back."

He chuckled. "High praise from you." The words were said without irony.

She turned her head and looked at him. "No matter how hard I tried to pin you back into that safe zone after that, you refused to stay. I couldn't think of you as just a subordinate anymore."

A smile kicked up the corners of his mouth. "I'm thinking that's not a bad thing."

She laughed softly and returned her gaze to the panorama. "Isn't it bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding?"

"Not when the bride is having second thoughts."

"Oh, I passed second thoughts last week some time." Shepard flicked a dismissing hand, snorting. "I think I'm on fifty or sixty by now."

"Shepard…"

"I promised, Kaidan. I will go through with this." She cut him off, her voice determined.

He studied her, a faint smile flirting about the corners of his mouth. "I think I'd feel happier about it if you weren't reacting like it was a suicide mission and duty was demanding it of you."

She closed her eyes, hiding her flinch at the thread of pain she heard in his voice. "It isn't you, Kaidan. It's me."

"Yeah, those aren't words a guy ever wants to hear, Shepard. Especially on his wedding day." He murmured the words, not looking at her. "Assuming this is still our wedding day. Mom said you stopped talking about 3am this morning and they couldn't get anything more than one word answers out of you until Bailey let you out."

Words seemed to have deserted her again. She opened her mouth and found she literally had no idea what to say.

A bittersweet smile touched his lips. "Talk to me, Shepard, because I would rather cancel this whole thing now than be the only one at the altar." The words were meant to be humorous and fell flat under the thread of real concern and the white edge of fear about his eyes.

"I'm sorry I got your mom arrested." Shepard blurted.

Kaidan blinked and then gave a genuine smile, laughing. "Shepard, my mother is perfectly capable of getting arrested on her own. Mind you, she's more likely to have planned a way to not be arrested in the first place. I think the whole thing last night with Rahna was her way of testing you."

"Your mom scares the hell out of me." Shepard stated in the sincere tones of a true believer. "I figure I have a year at tops before she starts getting really determined about grandchildren."

"You wish." Kaidan laughed again and moved behind her, sliding his arms about her, pulling her back against his chest. "If we get three months it will only be because she's distracted by something else."

Shepard went completely still. "I think I'm going to throw up." She mumbled, her features stark in the reflection of the window.

He clutched her tighter to him. "Shepard…Kaet. If this isn't what you want, now is the time to let me know. I don't care about Udina or the press or other species good will or the circus that is going on. If you want out, tell me and I will let you go."

She whipped about in his arms, warrior swift, her arms going about his shoulders and squeezing even tighter. Burying her face in his neck, she shook her head with wild determination.

A tension seeped out of Kaidan closed his eyes and tightened his grip to the point that her breathing was hampered.

"It's what I want." She whispered against the warm skin of his neck. "I want this…us…more than anything I have ever wanted in my life. I want us so much that it would break something inside me if I didn't get us…get you. I want this so much, Kaidan, that it scares the hell out of me."

"Well, that's fair since you've been scaring the hell out of me for the last several hours." He quipped lightly.

She pulled her head back, her eyes meeting his. "I want this so much I'm afraid I'll screw it up."

He frowned slightly, confused. "Kaet…"

"There's no manual for this…for relationships. For ma-mmarriage." The words were coming faster now, as if a damn had broken and everything she felt was rushing out. "I have no experience with relationships. I get mad at something, Kaidan, I shoot it. They discourage that in marriages!"

Laughter flirted about his lips, his eyes warming. "What is it you want, Kaet?"

"A rule book that I can follow!" She pushed back from him, her fingers rushing through her already tangled hair. "If I make you so angry that you want to shred the walls, I want to know exactly what I have to do to fix it. If we have a fight…and we will because you can't go to the bathroom without studying the matter and it drives me nuts sometimes…I want to know what has to be done to fix it. When I get in my foul moods because of politics or red tape or whatever and you reach the point where you can't handle it, I want to know what needs to be done to fix it. I want a manual on marriage, Kaidan. Something clear and defined and guarantees that I won't screw this up."

Kaidan's serious brown eyes studied her, his head nodding thoughtfully. "I believe you've already studied that manual, Kaet."

Mid-agitated flail of her arms, Shepard stopped and stared at him, puzzled. "I have?"

"Sun Tzu's The Art of War."

She glared at him and he started to laugh. "That isn't funny, Kaidan." She snapped which made him laugh harder. "I don't see how you can compare our marriage to war and still expect to get married, Kaidan Alenko!"

"Sex." He answered while laughing.

"You aren't that…well, okay, you are that good, but I can learn to be celibate again. I'm sure there's a drug or a twelve step program or something I can do!" She crossed her arms over her chest, her eyes narrowed, her cheeks bright with anger.

"A twelve step program?" He grinned at her. "What…some sort of Kaidan Alenko Support Thread?"

She bared her teeth at him and hissed. "I'm not the only one who's going to be celibate if you keep this up."

Taking his life into his hands, Kaidan placed his hands on her waist and pulled her stiff body against his own. "Kaet, what you want is unrealistic. You want a guarantee that you won't mess us up? What about me? Where's the guarantee that you won't wake up some morning with Rambo on your face again and decide you've had enough?"

A shudder ran the length of Shepard's body at the memory. "Someday I'm going to end the war between me and your assassin spider pet thing and it will be a smear. I will then have that smear framed and hang it on the wall so it is the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning. I will then spend the day smiling."

He chuckled and pushed her bangs back to tuck behind her ear. "You do realize she's just a spider, right?"

"It's a…wait a minute." Shepard's expression widened. "She? It's a she?" Kaidan nodded. "IT CAN BREED?"

Kaidan's expression became thoughtful. "I hadn't considered that."

"Oh, Hell, no." Shepard's tone was flat and final. "You are not breeding that thing. I will not have momma teaching all her baby spawn all of her stealth ninja tricks so they can all try and kill me."

He blinked at her. "Ninja assassin spiders?" He repeated in the tone reserved for the mentally unstable. Before she could respond he shook his head and gave a helpless laugh. "How do you always distract me from important matters I want to discuss?"

"It's a gift." She answered with a roll of her eyes and rubbed her forehead. "Kaidan, I love you. I will marry you. How do you feel about having a drunk bride? Or maybe just one who has been heavily medicated against panic attacks?"

"What can I do to help make neither of those options necessary?" Kaidan wrapped his fingers around hers, his thumb stroking the soft skin.

"Elope." Was her quick response.

"Sure." Kaidan smiled. "But you get to tell my mother."

She glared at him again and gave a huff. "Fine. We'll get married in the ceremony."

"There's that enthusiasm that makes me love you all the more." His words were dry. "Would it help if I held your Widow hostage until you say the vows you've written for me?"

The color drained from her face as her eyes widened. "I was supposed to write something? I thought it was 'I do'! Show up, try not to pass out, don't trip on the hem of my dress, if I must vomit, aim for Udina and just say 'I do'."

Kaidan began to rub his forehead as if a migraine was pending. "Shepard, we talked about this weeks ago."

"I haven't been listening to anything about this wedding since we got back to the Normandy after you proposed!" She shot back. "What the hell am I supposed to write? My love for you is so deep I can actually consider for brief moments of time allowing you to touch my Widow?"

"Then why the hell did you say yes, Shepard? Just to torment me? To have some fun and games? Dammit, I love you. I want you for my wife and I have been more than patient with your mental breakdown about having me be your husband!" His voice was low but all the more powerful for it.

She flinched and her expression went blank, all emotion hidden as old defense walls came up.

"Oh, good. Shut me out because that's exactly what this conversation needs." He closed his eyes and scrubbed his hands over his face. "I'll call Udina and tell him it's off. We can sort…"

"No!" The word was soft but powerful. Shepard's fists clenched and she forced them open, forced herself to step closer, her mouth opening, the words pushing out. "I am scared, Kaidan. I'm sorry. I don't do scared very well."

"Do you think it's been a walk in the park for me?" Kaidan demanded. "You want a manual so you can make sure this marriage works? I want a manual that tells me what the hell you're thinking at any given time. Some sort of guide that lets me know when you're being quiet because you don't have anything to say and when you're being quiet because you have too much to say. I want to know where the secret door is that lets me in when you shut everyone else out."

"Don't you see that is what scares me?" She whispered, her face miserable. "Kaidan, when was the last time you knew me to compromise on anything? I'm all or nothing, everything in or go home kind of girl. I either keep you out…or I let you in completely. That is what scares me. What if you don't like what you see once you're inside that door? What if you decide that's not who you want to be with?"

Kaidan stared at her. "What are you talking about?" He asked, genuinely confused. "Kaet, you are blunt past the point of rudeness, truthful to the point of viciousness and completely unaccepting of lies and hypocrisy. You talk like there's some part of you that you've been holding back that's different or evil or something. The only thing you hold back is Kaet. I get Commander Shepard all the time and while I adore her, it's Kaet I love. The woman who likes vintage rock and thinks there are only three types of clothing in the universe…armor, BDUs and sweats. The woman who is playful and teasing and loves to laugh just because life is the best thrill ride she knows. The woman who will jump a Mako off the top of a mountain at full speed, turbo gunned so she can make this weird yelling noise as gravity sucks us down but is afraid of spiders. The woman who is an absolute nightmare in the mornings unless you wake her up with sex."

"I am not afraid of spiders." She managed to answer, her expression stark, her eyes intense as she stared at him.

Kaidan buried his face in the palm of his hand. "That's great. So completely disregard everything I just said, Shepard. Just have your little…"

"It's too late." An oddly peaceful expression of comprehension covered her face as she tilted her head and studied him.

He closed his eyes and gave a slow nod. "Okay. I'll let Udina know we've called the wedding off. I'll…"

"Oh, stop." Shepard snorted, a ghost of a smile touching her lips, her face still pale. "That wasn't what I meant." She licked her lips, accepting, the tension in her body easing away, color coming back to her skin as her smile grew and she nodded.

He gave her a careful, wary study.

She stepped closer, nodded again and grinned at him, the emotion a bit wry and self deprecating. "I have been an absolute bitch since you proposed. I'm sorry. It's difficult to want something so much it scares me that it will be taken away. I have always kept a part of myself back, Kaidan. With everyone. It's second nature. There is always a part of me no one else is allowed to touch and I knew that when I married you, I would have to let you have that part, too. It scared me because if I let you have that part of me I am completely vulnerable to you. There are no protections left."

"I would never hurt you, Kaet." He whispered.

"You will." She said with a wry smile. "Not on purpose. Maybe you won't even notice, but you will. Just as I will do the same to you. Just as I have been doing to you throughout our entire engagement. Not on purpose, just by being who I am. And somehow I will make it up to you." She reached out a hand and cupped his cheek, loving the feel of his stubble, the hard bone beneath soft, warm skin, the way her pinky stretched to feel the heartbeat in his throat, all of it showing how vibrantly alive he was. "I have been fighting so hard these last couple of weeks to keep that last, secret, vulnerable part of myself hidden and locked away and protected because I was afraid I'd lose myself if you found it. I didn't lose that part of me, Kaidan. I gave her to you. You've had her since the first time I told you…actually said the words…that I love you and you've taken better care of her than I have of you. I'm sorry."

He was still cautious, still not sure what she meant and she laughed shaking her head in disgust.

"Damn, but I did a number on you." She kissed him as if to ease the pain she'd caused. "Will it in some way make it up to you if I tell you I replaced the red number you bought on Illium that was blown up on our vacation?"

A slow, loving smile gradually found a way across his lips, the tension easing out of his body as he gazed down at her. "An exact duplicate?" He asked with hope.

"No, completely different." She shook her head. "It's not red, it's green and that's all I'm saying. You'll get to see it tonight after I set off the flashbang during the reception so we can escape and go on our honeymoon."

A grin lit his features, a light back in his eyes that she regretted ever causing to dim even a bit. "You have an escape plan for our reception." The words were almost disbelieving and admiring.

"I was thinking about setting it off about two minutes after the reception starts." She said with a nod.

Kaidan laughed, his hands on her hips, bringing her flush against him. "No, you're not. Joker bet me two hundred that I wouldn't smash your face in the cake."

Shepard opened in mouth in righteous objection and then paused considering. "Two hundred. As in creds? Just for a face full of cake?"

"Garrus offered two-fifty to smear Joker's face in the wedding cake. He said he could probably get triple that if he took up a collection from the Normandy crew."

A wicked smile lit up her face. "Oh, I like that idea."

Kaidan's arms went suddenly about her, his grip tight, his cheek pressed against hers. "You scared me, Kaet." He whispered softly. "Don't ever do that again."

Shepard opened her mouth to respond and blinked, her gaze on the area just past him where dozens of women of various species stood, avidly watching them, many with recorders hovering next to them. Most were dressed in the BTB t-shirts or had banners with their logo. A couple had plushie Kaidan's naked but for a towel embroidered with flames, others wore his face on their shirts.

Each one was making an odd gesture with their hands, palms up, opening and closing them at the same time.

Confused, Shepard frowned and gave a small lift of her shoulders showing she didn't understand.

That's when the chanting started and what they were doing made sense.

"What is going…" Kaidan began, pulling back from her to turn around.

Shepard didn't allow it. She palmed his cheeks again, her mouth slanting hard against him, distracting him. Once he was fully involved in tasting her, she did exactly as his adoring fans demanded with their battle cry of 'Squeeze Him' and cupped his rear in both hands for a generous feel.

Their audience broke into delighted screams and cheers and Kaidan jerked around, startled.

"Wha…who? What is that woman holding in her hands?" He demanded, his eyes wide with shock.

Shepard blinked. "Oh. The plushies are anatomically correct. I did wonder." She mused and looked around the vendor stalls. "I wonder where I can get one of those."

"You don't need one, you have the real thing." He hissed at her, his face a bright red.

"Commander Shepard!" A young voice called from a woman wearing what looked like a fort on her t-shirt. "You're squeezing in the wrong place!"

Shepard grinned.

"No." Kaidan stated in flat tones.

Laughing she took his hand. "In that case, we'd better run before they start a petition and try to enforce it saying you're not allowed to wear clothing at all, let alone towels." She began pulling him toward the nearest transit hub.

He opened his mouth in confusion, took one look at the women closing in on them and broke into the fastest walk he could.