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If he dies, it's down to you; you killed him

Jerry's words resonated through Aaron's head as he walked out of the hospital where he'd spent the past 18 hours and into the fresh air. He wasn't angry with Jackson's dad. Jerry had only said out loud what Aaron had been thinking ever since he'd reached the van and found Jackson unconscious and bleeding.

I want you to walk out of here and never come near my son again as long as you live… or as long as he does.

As he crossed the road towards the taxi rank, Paddy walking closely behind him, Aaron silently vowed never to go near Jackson again if it meant he lived. This was entirely his fault. If he'd just been able to explain himself properly, get across how he felt better, than Jackson would have never driven off. If Aaron hadn't called his mobile to try and get him to come back, if he'd just let him drive away, Jackson wouldn't be in a coma and fighting for his life.

The thought of never seeing Jackson again, not looking into his deep brown eyes or seeing his stupid grin, made Aaron feel sick but if it meant he survived, Aaron would make the sacrifice. Plus would Jackson want to see him when he finally did wake up… if he woke up.

Paddy steered Aaron towards the first empty cab, almost physically putting him in the back seat like a policeman putting a criminal in the car. They returned to the village in silence, both men lost in their thoughts. Occasionally Paddy would glance over at Aaron, wincing at the pain etched across his tear stained face.

They pulled up outside Smithy Cottage, Paddy paying the driver as Aaron climbed out the car and headed straight to the front door. By the time Paddy walked in the house, Aaron was already up the stairs and in his room.

"Aaron. I'm going to make a brew and a sandwich. Do you want anything?"

Paddy's question was met with silence. The vet debated following him up stairs, to try and talk to him about the night's tragic events but in all honesty, Paddy was having trouble getting his head round everything himself. He still didn't quite understand how the lads had gone from being closer than they had been in ages to completely falling out to the extent that Jackson drove off.

Although he'd been occupied keeping his unwanted admirer at arm's length, Paddy had watched how relaxed Aaron and Jackson had been with each other in the club, happily shocked as he saw Aaron kiss his boyfriend in public. Something he thought Aaron would never do.

And now Jackson was fighting for his life, Aaron was racked with guilt and Jackson's dad was more or less accusing Aaron of murder – even though Jackson was still fighting for every breath. There was certainly was a lot for him to take in, let alone for Aaron who had seen the tragedy play out in front of him.

Upstairs, Aaron lay on the bed staring at the ceiling. The previous evening's events were playing over in his head, the ceiling acting like a projector as he pictured every second. The way they had smiled at each other, the banter they had winding up Paddy, and then the kiss they had shared.

Then he was standing outside the club and he saw him; Mickey. Jackson pleading with Aaron to walk away and the ultimatum that followed. His temper getting the better of him but Aaron finally seeing sense and tracking down Jackson. How angry Jackson was and how he ended their relationship. Aaron running to the van, pleading with Jackson to forgive him.

The drive in the van and the emotional outpouring that followed from them both. The van pulling away from Aaron and then the sound of brakes squealing. Aaron running towards the train tracks and the bloody mess that greeted him.

Another scene change and he was at the hospital, not understanding what was going on. The doctors and police running around before he faced Paddy, Hazel and then Jerry.

Aaron closed his eyes, hoping the images would stop but he could still see every second. He could also see Jackson lying in the hospital bed, wires hooked up to different machines while the larger tube gave him life. He looked so battered and bruised but then who wouldn't when they had been hit by a train.

Eventually the tiredness and emotion took hold of his exhausted body and against his will, Aaron fell asleep. His body may have craved the rest but the darkness only spurred his mind on as it began to distort the images of the evening's events.

He was back there, running down the lane towards the railway line, towards Jackson. He rubbed the tears out of his eyes as he ran as fast as he could. His feet pounded the road, feeling the impact of every step through his entire body. He seemed to be running for ages yet getting no nearer to Jackson. But the sound of the van veering off the road constantly getting louder and overwhelming him as he continued to race to his boyfriend.

Aaron rounded the corner, the level crossing coming into view, but there was no van. There wasn't any traffic in sight, just Jackson. He was standing on the train tracks, the barrier raised on the level crossing, watching Aaron run towards him.

He screamed out Jackson's name, shouting at him, begging him to get off the track as he continued to run to him. As he got nearer to Jackson, the barrier began to lower and warning lights started to flash. Aaron ran faster, shouted louder, urging Jackson to get off the railway line, knowing a train was approaching.

As Aaron reached the barrier and his eyes met Jackson's, his boyfriend finally spoke.

"I never had you" Jackson said staring at Aaron.

"You've got me" Aaron shouted, tears streaming down his face as he tried to lift the barrier.

And then it happened. The ground shook; the noise of the engine getting louder as the train sprinted past, taking Jackson with it. The train had gone and all that was left was Aaron standing there.

"You've got me" he yelled out again.

Aaron shot bolt upright on the bed, his own screams waking him from the nightmare.

It took a couple of minutes for him to understand where he was and what had happened. His body, still clothed from the night out, was ringing wet with sweat, while his head pounded.

A knock on his bedroom door brought him back to reality.

"Aaron, you ok?" Paddy asked through the door.

"Erm yeah… I'm fine"

"You sure? I thought I heard you shout."

"Just leave me alone. I'm fine" Aaron said knowing Paddy wouldn't believe him.

Paddy walked across the hall into his own bedroom but left the door open. He was concerned for Aaron and he was obviously struggling. Paddy was determined to see him through this, whatever happened.

Aaron lay back down on the bed, grabbing the pillow from the space next to him, the space that until a few nights ago occupied by Jackson. He held the pillow close to him. Aaron could smell Jackson on the pillow, needing that comfort and contact with his boyfriend that always managed to help calm him down. He wiped his face, once again wet with tears, and went back to staring at the ceiling.

He tried to stay awake but the reality of what had happened was even worse than Aaron's nightmare. There was no escape. Jerry was right. It was down to him and he'd have to live with what he had done to Jackson for as long as he lived.