Disclaimer: Only a totally pathetic sob would write LoZ parodies, and the people that own LoZ aren't totally pathetic sobs, so…draw your own conclusions.

Link trudged wearily through Hyrule Castletown, but it seemed the Goddesses were smiling upon him because it turned out that there was only one old man in all of Hyrule Castletown, and guess where he was?

That's right; he was by the fountain.

"Hey, old man!" Link called, irritated from having to trek all over to find the old man.

"Oh, my granddaughter needs me?"

Link frowned. "I never said…"

"Oh, thank you for coming to find me! You have a certain look about you; I like that!"

"It's the hat, isn't it?" asked Link. "See, I have no idea how this thing stays on; I think there's a magnet in it that keeps it attached to my chain mail somehow, but I'm not sure."

"I know; you have the look of a hero! I'm never mistaken about this! You're going to save the princess, aren't you?"

"Uh…sure."

"The road will be hard and dangerous, plagued with many monsters. It's not safe for any lone man!"

"I know; tell me about it."

"Oh, I know! You can have this sword!"

The old man pulled a sword seemingly out of thin air, and Link wondered just how many old men carried around swords, and just where they came from. Regardless, he gawked at the sword before sheathing it. "Thanks. Finally…but I'm still a lone man. It's still dangerous. I just have a second-rate sword now to help."

The old man seemed to ignore him as he ran around the hero and vanished. "Fantastic," Link muttered.

It was night, and Link considered sleeping, but he'd given up on sleeping a long time ago. Luckily, the magic milk apparently had the powers to keep him awake forever. Now many may ask why the hero never slept, and in his mind, he had a very good reason. He'd used to sleep just like anyone else, back in the lifetime when he lived in the Kokiri Forest, but then, he'd woken up to…that thing.

Link winced, unable to keep the memory that so haunted his dreams from plaguing him even as he walked. It kept yipping those accursed words, over and over… Hey, hey, listen! Hey, hey, listen! Hey, hey, listen! Hey, hey, hey, hey, listen—

"Shut-up!" Link screamed.

Many villagers were suddenly hurrying into their houses at the sight of the homicidal-looking elf…er, Hylian, in the weird clothing. Link noticed and swore under his breath before continuing his journey.

Meanwhile, many miles away…

"Nooooo! Liiiinnnnnkkkk!" Zelda screamed. "Get your lazy butt up, and kill him, you son of a hookshot!"

Ganondorf laughed maniacally, eagerly brandishing his Wii remote before him. "Die, die, Link! DIE!"

"Get up you Goddess-forsaken fairy!" the princess snapped.

Ganondorf paused and listened in astonishment as Zelda very colorfully cussed out the chosen hero of Hyrule. It was a game, but still…somehow that made it even more frightening. Zelda seemed to have forgotten that she was the one keeping Link just standing there. Finally, the princess seemed to remember it was a game and threw a bomb at Ganon. Ganondorf then took great satisfaction of knocking Link off a bridge. "Yes, I win!"

Zelda swore. "Rematch!" she declared.

"Fine," said Ganondorf.

"Ha!" the princess declared. "Let's see how you fare against Dark Link!"

"Dark Link? Can't you use the red tunic? I like that one…"

"What? But I hate the color red!"

"Do it, or I'll tell Link we're having an affair just like Peach and Bowser."

"What? He'll kill you!"

"Sure, but you'll have to listen while he goes on this sad rant about how you hurt him. I bet he'll even cry."

Zelda growled as she chose the red tunic. "Watch out, Ganondorf. You're going down!"

Author's Note: I decided to move the chapters around a bit, so this isn't quite the item chapter. But now we know why Link never sleeps.

Kingdom-of-TJ: Smash Brothers Brawl killed my wii. NOW I CAN'T PLAY TWILIGHT PRINCESS! (Wow…that sucks…)

hey, you wrote that I Loved Him First poem! (Yep. That was me!) i reviewed that, like, 10 minutes ago... (Well, it's not anymore, but…yeah, I did read your review. Thanks for reading!) *it's a small world after all, it's a small world after alllll* (Actually, it's because I have this tendency of uploading all my stories at once…)

Snowyflakes: When Telma kept talking about chests, I wondered why Link didn't just look down her shirt. That chest has GOT to be big enough to hold a sword. (As perverted as it sounds, I totally agree with you).

By the way, Zelda totally should go for the red tunic. xD (Hm…well, okay, why not?)

Foxpilot: So now Link has to find this random NPC's grandpa? That is very Zelda. Of course, he'll get something useful from it, like a sword. (It seems this is actually just a Nintendo thing in general, actually. I mean, think about all the crazy things you have to do in the Pokemon games…)

"Link the Loser?" (Haha. My friend and I were actually just coming up with weird insult names for characters; I don't even remember why. I came up with that one. We also considered 'Link the Lunatic', though) That's Mr. Loser to you brats! I'll teach you, with your new-age music and your trains... (haha.) Anyway, it's about time people stopped letting Link into their shops. He breaks everything, so why do they let him in? Fools. (Maybe everyone in Hyrule suffers from some sort of memory loss that prevents them from remembering Link? Maybe that's why whenever Ganondorf returns each time, he doesn't just waltz into Hyrule and kill off every kid named Link before trying to take over.)

You're thanking us? Well, certainly! And thank you for the kind mentions. (As always, you're quite welcome.)

THE-complete-zelda-fan: he never sleeps. (And now you know why.)

AutismDegree: Yes, apparently, you're not allowed to have a quality, good-ass beer for being the motherf***ing Hero, but they'll give a 10-year-old boy wearing a cow mask Chateau Romani, the "Magic" Milk. Yeah. That makes SO much sense (Um…Zelda physics? Yeah, it makes about us much sense as things spontaneously combusting when you hit them with a sword)

P.S.: Points to you if you get the reference (Well, no points for me because I don't get the reference…I mean, I know you're referring to MM, but if there's something else, I totally miss it.)

Marilynn Lake: Niiice. :) haha, Telma's funny. (She contracted the NPC virus; it makes her repeat seemingly random and useless information over and over) Keep it up! :) (Many thanks!)