Title: Happy Birthday, Canada!
Author: tatterdemalion, grosse_averse on LJ
Characters: Canada, Netherlands, Prussia - Prussia/Canada/Netherlands threesome
Rating: M for WTF is this
Summary: Gilbert had come to the conclusion that Matthew was an absolute bore. Unfortunately, far from being irritated by this, Matthew had agreed with his statement. So this birthday, Gilbert had decided to change up Matthew's routine...
Author's Note: This was supposed to be a birthday present for Canada for July 1st, but ended up being some weird ass threesome fic that really has little to do with Canada Day at all. It ended up being super, super late, so...Bonne fête en retard, Canada?
Also I'm so tired of angsty Canada Day fics on . I think they're hilarious because I see Canada as the type of person who is so boring and 'whatever' that he totally doesn't mind doing nothing for his birthday. If he wants to party, he just waits two days and then crashes the next-door neighbour's party, if you know what I'm saying. Stop cutting yourself and smoke some weed, Canada!
What Matthew liked to do on his birthday was a rather random combination of the following - sleep in. Drink a beer. Go to downtown Ottawa to catch some of the festivities. Eat out at his favourite restaurant. Pick up a salmon and tease Kuma-what's-his-face with strips of the pink fish for a birthday treat. Drink a beer. Answer the phone when his family called to say "happy birthday" (the number of people who actually called varied from year to year - probably more this year, since all three of his immediate family members were no longer in the World Cup). Drink a beer. Make some special brownies and watch movies until it was midnight and his birthday was over. Matthew had done this for over a good two decades and considered this a "perfect birthday".
Gilbert knew all this, and had come to the conclusion that Matthew was an absolute bore. Unfortunately, far from being irritated by this, Matthew had agreed with his statement. So this birthday, Gilbert had decided to change up Matthew's routine. Thanks to Matthew's brilliant hiding of the spare key (under the door mat - seriously, everyone and their mother knew to check the door mat first), Gilbert was planning on sneaking into Canada's house, making breakfast for his on-again-off-again lover, and bringing enough "supplies" to make sure neither of them left the house much during this Canada Day.
So it was weird when he arrived in Ottawa in the wee hours of the morning (okay like eight o'clock, but it was early for Matthew's birthday, the North American nation usually crawled out of bed around eleven to get breakfast ready) to find the key under the door mat missing. Checking other obvious hiding spots - the bush by the steps, the storm drain - Gilbert was about to assume Matthew had moved it when he noticed lights on in the kitchen. Gilbert hopped off the front steps and traversed around the front of the house to rap on the window.
When it opened, Gilbert crowed, "Hey, birthday boy! This is a first, isn't it - "
Then he stopped. Looking down at him, eyebrows raised, was Lars, personification of the Netherlands, in Matthew's kitchen.
"What the hell." Gilbert said. "You're the one who took the key?"
"Yeah." Lars replied simply.
"Well, go 'round and let me in!" Gilbert burst out, a little peeved someone else had the same idea as him.
Lars sighed. "If I have to."
When Gilbert made it clear that he was not going anywhere, Lars dutifully disappeared from the kitchen window and seconds later opened the front door. Gilbert strode with confidence into the house, toeing off his shoes and joining Lars in the kitchen. The Dutch nation had the griddle heating up and was almost done mixing the batter. There was a tray laid out with cutlery and napkins, and the whole thing was making Gilbert want to gag.
"How cute." he sneered. "You gonna serenade him too?"
Lars laughed. "Pissed you didn't think of it first?" he asked. Gilbert snorted.
"I did think of it first." he insisted. "Probably. But the flights from South Africa weren't fucking fast enough."
"Hey, I have a game tomorrow." Lars pointed out. "I still got here first."
"Well, goody for you." Gilbert snapped, then turned on his heel. "Kay, you can stay down here and play house all you'd like. I'm gonna go wake up Matt with abirthday surprise." he turned his head back to give Lars a smirk. "I'll shut the bedroom door, promise."
Scowling, Lars pursued the ex-nation as he left the kitchen.
"No way." he declared. "I got here first. So you have to leave."
Gilbert stopped and threw his shoulders back defensively. "Want to fight for it?" he threatened. "'Cause I swear to God, cousin, I'll beat your ass out of this house."
Lars, used to the other man's threats, simply rolled his eyes. "As much as I'd love to put a dent in your head, Gilbert, I hardly think that Matthew waking up to a fight in his house is the best way to celebrate his birthday."
"So what's the plan then?" Gilbert asked, uninterested, casting glances at the staircase as if debating making a run for the bedroom. As such, he missed the smile that curved the Dutch nation's lips until it was too late.
"We could share."
Gilbert stared, blankly, at the Dutch nation. "What?"
"We could share." Lars repeated. "It's Matthew's birthday, after all. So shouldn't we be focused on making him...happy?"
Gilbert grimaced. "I do not want to see you with your pants off." he declared.
Waving his negativity away, Lars countered, "That was once, and it was a long time ago. You're being selfish. Besides," here his grin widened. "Two heads are better than one, right?"
Gilbert was, against his better judgement, becoming uncomfortably interested in this idea. It wasn't as if the Dutch nation was unattractive - besides, as long as he got into Matthew's bed eventually, the means was unimportant, right?
"Shit." the ex-nation snarled. "Okay, fine, what did you have in mind?"
Matthew was just having a great dream involving his share of the Great Lakes when someone shook his shoulder and called his name, quite loudly, in his ear.
"Mghfk." Matthew replied, and rolled over.
"I don't think he heard me." someone said above his head, sounding suspiciously like Gilbert.
Of course. Trust Gilbert to ruin his birthday morning sleep-in. "Gil, go 'way." Matthew muttered. "'M sleep'n."
"He's sleeping." Gilbert relayed to Lars with a hint of amused fondness, watching the northern nation pull the covers up to his ears in an attempt to block him out. Lars, with a Cheshire cat grin, pushed Gilbert aside and crawled over Matthew's prone body.
"Matthew," he crooned into the blanket. "Wake up, we have a birthday present for you."
"Later." Matthew muttered venomously, trying to ignore them - however, he was certainly very aware of where Lars's hands were going.
Gilbert began peeling the blankets off Matthew as Lars rolled the northern nation onto his back. Scowling up at Lars, Matthew asked suspiciously, "What are you two up to?"
"Wishing you a Happy Birthday." Lars told him, before leaning down so their noses touched. "Now, are you going to be a good boy and accept your present?"
Oh, Gilbert was definitely groping him. Matthew flushed. "This is not the sort of present I want at eight o'clock in the mor - "
Lars kissed him insistently in that 'just shut up, Matt' way that he often used, clashing their teeth together. Matthew, who really couldn't say he was complaining about the special treatment, kissed back, shifting underneath Lars so he could wrap an arm around the elder's neck. He felt Lars grin against his lips and he mouthed shut up, sarcastically. He could feel Gilbert sitting on the edge of the bed, and when Lars pulled back the ex-nation was staring rather intensely at the two of them, eyes alight with a wicked emotion.
With a tired sigh, Matthew held out a hand to him. "Well, if you two are going to be so insistent about it." he teased, and Gilbert eagerly leapt forward to kiss him.
Lars peeled his shirt off while the two made out, then got busy feeling Matthew up under his sleep shirt, appreciating the way the younger nation squirmed. Gilbert, on his part, was enjoying the way their tongues tangled together, and found himself disappointed when Matthew parted their lips, breath coming out in little gasps. Lars's hand had found one of his nipples, and the sharp tweaking was eliciting a strange pleasure-pain combination that Matthew found quite enjoyable.
"...o fair." Gilbert heard Matthew mutter, one hand flung over his eyes, and he grinned. He supposed, with Lars straddling Matthew's legs and Gilbert leaning over him from the side, the young nation would feel rather overwhelmed.
"It's okay liebling." he cooed with false sympathy. Matthew removed his arm to give Gilbert a hard stare.
"You two have to kiss each other now." he said. "It's only fair."
Gilbert made a face, but a hand on his shoulder made him freeze.
"He's right." Lars (sounding amused, that pervert) purred into his ear. "It's only fair."
"Shit." Gilbert yelped as he was yanked backwards by the hair into a searing kiss. Determined not to give into Lars's aggressive ministrations, he gripped the Dutch nation's shoulders firmly and fought for control. Lars's mouth was hot and Gilbert felt his head spinning as he pushed deeper, battling the tongue that sparred with his own. His anger boiled as he felt a strong hand slip down and squeeze his ass.
"Absolute bastard." he spat out, parting for air, nipping at the other man's lower lip viciously in retaliation. Lars grinned.
"You love it." he accused, and dodged when Gilbert spat at him.
Matthew had, by this time, accepted the fact that he was about to have a threesome with two one-night-stands-that-had-turned-into-something-else and pulled himself up into a sitting position, watching the two fight it out like bickering lovers and allowing himself an indulgent stroke or two through his pajama pants.
It was Gilbert who noticed what Matthew was doing, and it was Gilbert who reached over first to enclose his fist around Matthew's cock.
"Feeling ignored?" he teased, to which Matthew rolled his eyes and wriggled his pajama pants down his hips.
"You guys should do that more often." he retaliated, to which Gilbert shook his head and said a few inappropriate things about Lars's mother.
Lars, for his part, looked like the cat that swallowed the canary as he moved past Gilbert and hauled Matthew into his lap.
"I'd much rather do it with you, anyways." he told Matthew, adding, "Eh, Beilschmidt?"
Ignoring him, Gilbert slid Matthew's pajama pants down to his ankles and continued stroking him until the young nation was in a fully-erect state and whining in that way of his that made Gilbert stand to attention.
"Well, if you're going to do something, do it!" Matthew finally exclaimed. Gilbert looked up at him with a smug grin.
"Well, it is your birthday..." the ex-nation conceded and, bending at the waist, he took Matthew fully into his mouth.
Matthew yelped in surprise and tried to buck upwards - still in Lars' lap, all he managed was a weak flail before the Dutch nation pressed down on his hips, trapping Matthew on his lap.
"Hngk." Matthew said by way of a reaction, hands shooting down to grab at Gilbert's hair. Gilbert made a sound of displeasure, too busy sucking and grasping Matthew's legs to bat his hands away, so Lars reached over to untangle Matthew's fingers and laced them together with his own. Then he pulled their conjoined arms back so Matthew was stretched taut, shoulder muscles trembling as he was held, pinned, by Gilbert. Lars nibbled thoughtfully on Matthew's shoulder, tonguing the muscles that shook with barely contained pleasure.
Squirming, Matthew felt deliciously trapped, pressed down by a wet mouth from the front and rubbing against Lars's arousal from the back. Lars licked a steady line up one of Matthew's arms, nuzzling his sweaty back.
"I - you guys - " Matthew laughed weakly. "Come on, I - I don't think I can..."
"Ssh." Lars murmured, and locked eyes with Gilbert, who was currently dragging his tongue across the underside of Matthew's cock, reducing the younger nation to incoherent cries.
Matthew's body was on fire, and he twisted in Lars's grip, ignoring Gilbert's protests.
"You're horrible." he hissed. "Hurry up and fuck me."
Well, that was an invitation neither nation could refuse.
Gilbert pulled off Matthew's cock with a wet pop and, as Lars released him, pulled the younger nation into another heated kiss. Matthew wasn't sure why he was getting turned on by the fact that he could taste himself on Gilbert's tongue, but he gladly welcomed the ex-nation into his mouth.
"I'm going to fuck you until you can't move." Gilbert pulled away in order to snarl into Matthew's ear.
Matthew smirked as his hips were grabbed by Lars. "Yeah? You'd better, because all you've been doing so far is talking." he pointed out, grinding back against the Dutch nation and giving Gilbert a chaste, teasing kiss.
"Now, keep your promise." Matthew ordered, leaning back against Lars's solid body, taunting Gilbert. The Dutch nation looked pleased, trailing one hand down Matthew's front.
Gilbert held out a hand, grinding his teeth. "Come here." he ordered, and with a wry smile Matthew slid out of Lars's embrace and crawled over to Gilbert, winding his arms around the pale shoulders.
"Mmm." Gilbert caught hold of Matthew's lower lip and gave a gentle bite. "Happy Birthday, liebling. Turn around."
Matthew did as he was told, twisting and meeting Lars, who caught the younger nation in another kiss. Gilbert reached down between Matthew's legs only to find that Lars's fingers were already there, wet and probing.
Growling, Gilbert reached around to tangle his fingers in Lars's hair and yank him away from Matthew's mouth.
"Hey, Dutchie, mind not hogging the birthday boy?" he ground out.
"When you learn to get to things faster, sure." Lars grinned, and leaned over Matthew's shoulder to peck Gilbert cheekily on the nose. Gilbert responded by catching hold of Lars's cock and tugging with enough force to be serious. Lars froze, gave a nervous smile.
"Why don't you be completely selfless and let Matthew have a turn at your ass, huh?" Gilbert quipped. "You certainly liked it back in the eighteenth century."
Lars had the nerve to flush as Matthew lifted his head to look at him, smiling.
"This is new." he teased. "Why haven't I heard this before?"
"Christ." Lars hissed, glaring daggers at Gilbert. Gilbert winked at him.
"C'mon." he urged. "You're being selfish."
Matthew made things worse by turning on the puppy-dog eyes. "It'll be fun?" he suggested, and Lars finally relented with a sigh.
"You'll be the death of me." he conceded, kissing Matthew once more before lying back with his legs spread, beckoning Matthew closer with a spread palm. Matthew slid between his legs, surprisingly steady.
"I'll go slow." he murmured, before reaching over to the side table to grab the lube Gilbert had brought in. Gilbert pressed himself against Matthew, grinning at Lars behind the younger nation's back. The Dutch nation gave him a look that could kill, before his brows twitched. Matthew had slid a finger into Lars, moving it around and watching the older nation carefully.
"Okay?" he asked, and Lars gave a strained smile.
"Yeah." he nodded. "Haven't done this in a while, that's all."
Gilbert sniggered into Matthew's shoulder, stroking the boy's ass, rubbing his fingers in between his cheeks. Matthew rocked back against him, face set in concentration as he focused on stretching Lars.
"G-Gil just hold on a minute, that's really distracting." he finally insisted, reaching with his other hand to grab Gilbert's forearm. Reluctantly, Gilbert backed off.
"I'll just enjoy the show then." he said, and settled back on his heels, watching the muscles of Lars's powerful thighs flex and relax as Matthew moved on to two fingers. Matthew reached out to brush his fingers over Lars's jaw.
"Okay?" he asked again. With a roll of his eyes, Lars propped himself up to kiss Matthew.
"Matt, I'm not a wimp." he laughed. "Hurry up, I want you to fuck me."
Flushing, Matthew obeyed, scissoring his fingers a little more urgently - eyes cast downward, he missed the tension in the corner of Lars's mouth, the way he bit his lip. Feeling a momentary (and entirely unawesome) pang of sympathy, Gilbert scooted over to the two so he could put his hand on Lars's arousal. Lars turned his head, mouth open as if to make a fuss, but Gilbert gave him an awkward grin of reassurance and closed his fist gently, giving a gentle tug - Lars's eyelashes fluttered and some of the tension in his face filtered out. Gilbert ran his thumb over the weeping head, momentarily distracted by the delicious look of concentration on Matthew's face. The boy's brow was furrowed, tongue sticking out, eyes narrowed.
"Our birthday boy is taking this very seriously." Gilbert told Lars with a grin, and the Dutch nation mirrored it, confidence slowly returning as Matthew stretched him out.
"He'd better." he quipped. "I don't give my ass up for just anyone."
Gilbert raised his eyebrows, prompting Lars to glare.
"If you two lovebirds are done?" Matthew's tone was teasing but shaky, and he placed his hands on Lars's thighs. Lars winked at him.
"Sock it to me, baby." he exclaimed. Matthew snorted and pressed, experimentally, at Lars's entrance. The Dutch nation groaned and nodded.
"C'mon." he urged, and Gilbert watched with excited arousal as Matthew's cock sunk, slowly, into Lars - the Dutch nation tilted his head back and let out a low noise of pleasure.
"Shit." he panted. "I forgot about that."
"How do you feel?" Matthew asked, having leaned forward and placed his palms on either side of Lars's torso.
"Full." Lars huffed. "Move."
"J-just hold on." Matthew insisted, stayed still for a few seconds, resting inside Lars, before moving. Lars gritted his teeth, grabbing onto Matthew's shoulders.
Gilbert waited until Matthew had a fairly even rhythm going, and Lars's face was no longer scrunched up. Then he moved behind the young nation, fingered him again with a sense of hot urgency. Matthew made a little noise.
"Gil..."
"If you don't want to, tell me now." Gilbert murmured in his ear. "Otherwise I won't be able to stop myself."
Matthew nodded. "Do it." he sighed, and Gilbert worked on moving his fingers inside the other boy, intent on enjoying every sensation, the feeling of Matthew's insides, the way his ring clenched and unclenched, partly because of the sensation and partly because of his thrusts into Lars.
Lars was muttering under his breath in Dutch, sighing and moaning and Gilbert almost felt like making a sarcastic remark when Matthew hissed, "Gil!" His breath was coming in short gasps and his thrusts were getting faster.
Chuckling, Gilbert removed his fingers and Matthew whimpered at the loss of sensation. Then Gilbert was pressing in, into the warm, delicious heat of Matthew's ass, slipping his arms around Matthew's waist, feeling Lars's body heat against his forearms. As he started moving Matthew shuddered, tensed up, and then relaxed.
Lars groaned with disappointment and Gilbert howled with laughter as Matthew started apologizing, slumped over Lars's body in the afterglow.
"Oh come on." Lars choked out, voice tense. Gilbert could feel his cousin's arousal still stiff and unattended against his arms.
"I'm sorry!" Matthew was spluttering. "It - it just felt so good, I'm..."
"Not letting you finish that easily." Gilbert chuckled into his ear, and gave a rough thrust, sending Matthew's hips forward and slamming Lars back against the headboard. Lars exhaled. Matthew squealed.
"A little help here?" Gilbert asked, unwinding his arms in order to place his hands on Matthew's hips and, through Matthew's weak protests ("It's too much, wait, Gil, let me pull out - !") began moving them in tandem, much to Lars's relief.
Matthew was crying out, his overly-sensitive post-orgasm cock still trapped in tight warmth, and Lars tugged the younger nation's head down for a heated kiss. Their tongues tangled wetly, frantically, and Gilbert let them kiss, too absorbed in moving with Matthew, sometimes pulling back a little early to give an irregular jolt.
Eventually Lars and Matthew stopped kissing in order to give twin exclamations of surprise - Lars added, "Fuck, I can feel him getting bigger - !" and Matthew chimed in, "Gil, it feels so good!"
If there was one thing Gilbert loved, it was getting his ego stroked. "Yeah, I know I'm awesome." he replied flippantly. "But it's nice to hear the reassurance."
Lars reached up to punch him on the shoulder. "Hurry up." he grunted. Matthew's eyes were glazed over with pleasure, and he began moving erratically, humping Lars with anticipation. Irritated that his rhythm had been disrupted, Gilbert reached around to wrap his arms around Matthew's chest.
"Ease up, Matt." he murmured. "Move with me."
With a strained whimper, Matthew obligingly slowed.
"Come on." Lars growled with displeasure. Gilbert blew him a kiss.
"Patience, grasshopper." he joked. Lars let his head flop back down on the pillow.
"God I'm never sleeping with you again." he muttered up at the ceiling.
"That's what you said last time." Gilbert hummed triumphantly and stabbed forward, shoving Matthew into Lars so he yelled out.
Lars was red with shame and arousal. "You're such a dick." he bit out.
"Thanks, love you too." Matthew had started trembling and Gilbert leaned forward to bite gently on his earlobe. "Come on Mattie, let's finish this off, hm?"
"P-please." Matthew whispered, and as if on cue Gilbert felt something tight coil itself in his gut.
"Just follow my lead." he said, and brought the both of them into a faster, more frantic rhythm. Matthew's muscles were tense and gripping Gilbert in a horribly pleasurable way - the young nation was gripping the headboard with both hands, eyes squeezed shut, noises ripping from his throat. Lars's legs were pressed open with the combined force of both Gilbert and Matthew's thrusts, and he was panting through gritted teeth. Gilbert took a moment to feel proud, before he felt himself tense. Swearing, he spasmed forward and pressed down as he released himself into Matthew - from the scream that came from the younger nation's mouth, Matthew was not far behind.
"Guys." Lars's voice was strained from below them, and Matthew barely had the strength to reach down and stroke the Dutch nation to much needed completion before the three of them collapsed in a sweaty, exhausted pile.
Gilbert finally lifted his head from Matthew's back. "That." he declared. "Was awesome."
Matthew sighed a breathless giggle into Lars's chest, and the Dutch nation groaned something unintelligible into the pillow, sounding nonetheless very satisfied.
After a few more minutes of hazy silence, Matthew shot up - or tried to, anyways, seeing as he was still inside Lars and his legs were tangled with Gilbert's.
"Oh my God I completely forgot!" he exclaimed, wide eyed and panicked. "Oh my God the Queen is here, she's here, in Ottawa, she's speaking today, I - I - I have to go see her - !"
Matthew tried to untangle himself from the pile, to no success - Gilbert squeezed his legs together so Matthew only flailed helplessly, and Lars reached out to wrap his arms around the younger nation's waist. The two older nations exchanged glances.
"I'm sure we've got time for another round." Lars said, sitting up so Matthew was sandwiched once again between the two. Gilbert bobbed his head with a triumphant smirk.
"Oh, definitely."
"No, seriously." Matthew made another attempt to escape. "I need to get dressed and have a shower and, and - "
"Although we'll need to switch positions." Lars was musing as Gilbert helped pull Matthew backwards so the Dutch nation could get free of the tangle.
"Why?" Gilbert asked cheekily as they pinned Matthew back down on the bed. "I liked the way things were before."
"Guys, I'm serious!" Matthew wailed beneath them as Gilbert got off the bed to search around for the plastic bag of things that he'd brought.
"So are we." Lars said, pulling at one of Matthew's nipples experimentally. "Don't think that your birthday present is over yet."
"I found the handcuffs!" Gilbert crowed from across the room.
"N-noooo..."
END
Note: Yeah, so the stuff I'm supposed to be working on isn't coming along at all, haha...