A/N: For vampires assistant's mushy contest :D Not so much soppy as sad. Another take on how Larten handles Arra's death. Also, I'm doing the unmentionable: changing Larten's character; he CAN read. Bear that in mind, and try not to hate me for it too much!

Pairing: Arra Sails/Larten Crepsley. (Larten's POV)

Lyrics: Stolen – Dashboard Confessional.

Disclaimer: I'm not Darren Shan and I don't own the characters: I'm just borrowing them.

...

'You have stolen my, you have stolen my, you have stolen my heart...'

"But I want to stay with her! I promised I wouldn't leave!"

"Larten, come now-"

"Please, please let me stay!"

"We have to prepare for the funerals."

SLAM. The heavy wooden door of the medics swung shut in my face, shutting me out, keeping me separated from her. I pounded my fists against the door, half crying, half yelling, begging them to let me back in.

"Larten." Seba, who had been the one to come and remove me, placed his hand on my shoulder, "Larten, this is no way to behave." I pulled away from him, only for him to grab the back of my shirt and yank me away from the door. I fell against the wall, shaking, tears streaming down my face, but Seba just regarded me coolly, "There is nothing you can do now, Larten."

"I promised..." My voice sounded childish but I didn't care. Seba gave me a look, an eyebrow raised in surprise, "I promised I'd stay with her..."

"Larten, she has gone." I winced, refusing to believe that, "Arra has gone. You were sitting with a corpse."

That stirred something within me: Seba had never liked her all that much – she had always been far too reckless and impulsive for his liking – but for him to be so damn rude and cold about her death...Seba was still talking, "She is dead, you were crying over a corpse, begging to be left with a corpse-"

"Don't talk about her like that." I growled, pushing myself away from the wall and glaring at him.

"I know that you are grieving," He continued as if he hadn't heard me, "but your behaviour just then was immature and ridiculous."

I wanted nothing more than to scream at him, but I stopped myself. Instead I shoved past him and walked away, ignoring his words, blocking everything out, knowing instantly where I had to go and why.

...

I returned to my room very briefly, just to snatch up a bundle of papers and a pencil, not even bothering to change my blood drenched shirt, and then quickly made my way through the mountain, not stopping, not thinking until I was sat in the middle of the room, the door securely closed.

And it was only then that I let my mind thaw out, thoughts slowly coming to me, emotions coming more quickly.

Arra's room seemed too empty, too different now that I knew she was gone. I hadn't come to terms with her death yet – not by any stretch of the imagination – and I doubted I ever would, but Seba's words had gotten through to me. She was gone. Forever.

I sighed, glancing miserably around the room. There was so much I needed to tell her, so many things she needed to know, needed to hear, that I felt a sudden wave of guilt wash over me: I had been too busy trying to convince myself that she would survive when I should have been telling her everything.

Tears welled up in my eyes again, so I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut. After a moment I regained some control and looked down at the papers and the pencil lying on the floor: they were all blank but that would soon change.

I picked up the pencil, dragged over a piece of paper and then sighed, leaning my head back against the bed. My thoughts wandered, I didn't know where to begin, I didn't even know if I could put my feelings into words. My eyes were roaming idly over the wall I was facing until they settled on something at the head of the bed, half hidden under a pillow: I reached over and pulled out a thick notepad.

Curiously, I sat up and flicked to the first page. At the head of the page was a date – which I noted was one of just a few months ago – and at the bottom of the page was a small sketch of a detailed flower. The rest of the page was filled with sloping, all-too-familiar writing: Arra's writing.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and read through the page:

Gavner came back to the mountain today. It was so great to see him again; I think it had been about five years since we last met up.

He isn't staying for long – he said he has to go and see Liz again. I've never met her, but she sounds nice from what he's told me.

He also told me that he ran into Larten a few years back. And apparently he has blooded a child. I didn't believe him – Larten is (or was) much too sensible to do anything like that – but the more Gavner spoke of it, the more I realised that it was true. Gav said that he's bringing the child – Darren something – here, to present him before the Princes.

I don't know what the hell he's thinking of, but as soon as he gets here I intend to find out. I hope he has a good reason, like the child was dying or something. Anything other than what Gav told me – that the kid stole that bloody spider. I always said that that spider was trouble. But that still isn't a good enough reason to take a child's life away...

The writing ended there, trailing off into the flower sketch. I half smiled: she had indeed gotten the real reason of my blooding Darren out of me.

I flicked through to the middle of the notepad and read the entry, one of just a week or so ago:

I don't know whether he's doing it out of pity, or to make me feel better, or because he actually wants to, but Larten is meeting me at my room in a while and is taking me to the first of the three balls of the Festival.

I really don't want to go – not after what happened with Kurda on the bars – but Larten is making me. I'm really not in the mood, and what makes it worse is that my dress shows off the 'lovely' new scar that stupid crazed vampaneze gave me. It's so noticeable, running straight across my left collar bone...

The entry trailed off, but picked up again later on that night:

Okay, so it wasn't all that bad.

Larten turned up with a single dark orchid – God knows where he got it from, I didn't ask – and instead of simply giving it me, he had to tangle it in my hair. He used to do that all the time, he loved to do it, so I let him. It was nice, familiar and comforting to know that he hadn't forgotten it.

(I managed to hide the horrible shoulder-scar by flicking my hair over my shoulder – awkwardness averted.)

We went to the Hall and Gav met us – making jokes that we still looked like a couple. (I had deliberately worn red, just to see Larten's reaction – from the warm smile that never left his face I guess he liked it.) The three of us wandered around, chatting to random vampires until we all got bored and went for a walk.

It was like our first council all over again. Just chatting and joking, like everything that we had been through had never happened. It was really nice.

Uh, what else? We got bored of walking after a while, so went back to our rooms. Well, okay, Gav went back to his, but Larten ended up staying in mine...

I smiled at the recent memory and put the journal down, wiping slowly at the tears that had formed in my eyes.

I picked up the paper and pencil again, and started writing, started pouring my heart out:

Arra,

I have wasted so much time, I know, I should have told you all this before. But it felt that if I admitted all of this, then your death would have become too real. I was hiding behind the hope that you would survive.

Seba made me leave you, I'm so sorry, but I know that I will never forget you. You will always be there, in my mind, in my heart, and in my blood.

It feels...it feels as though part of my life has been ripped from me, and it hurts. I know that you would not want me to dwell on your death for too long, but I know that I will never be able to fully recover from it.

There is so much I should have told you, should have shared with you, but I did not, and for that I am truly sorry.

I hope this makes up for it.

I have always loved you, even when I left the mountain I loved you. Even when we had arguments and fights, I loved you. Through everything, I have loved you completely.

I did not deserve you, you were so loyal and caring, and I threw that back at you. I regret leaving every single day. Because we were perfect for each other. Yes, we were both unbelievably stubborn, and that occasionally caused friction, but other than that...

I am so grateful that you accepted me back, that you wanted me back, and that we were able to share that closeness once again. We had always connected, and it was a wonderful feeling to know that after thirty-five years we still did connect in that same way.

I wish I had suggested being mates again. I wanted to, and I was convinced that that was what you wanted too, especially after that night during the Festival, but I was too afraid to ask. Too afraid that I would ruin what we had just regained. Does that make sense? I wish I had pushed aside that stupid fear though Arra, because you have no idea how much it hurts knowing that I will never see you again, never talk to you, or hold you...

You were perfect: brave and trustworthy, reckless and impulsive (which I always loved), and of course beautiful.

I don't think I will ever forget the way your grey eyes used to shine in the moonlight...

I wish I could have saved you. I would have done absolutely anything to save you, but there was nothing...nothing could have been done.

Remember how I was always afraid to show my true feelings? I'll tell you, I'm in tears writing this. I was never fully able to open up to you, because I felt that I always had to be strong for you. I broke down your defences, and you allowed me in, allowed me to know everything that had ever hurt you, or scared you, or upset you. I hid some things from you, to protect you. I hope you forgive (I know in my heart you will).

I love you, Arra. Now and for forever.

You'll forever be a part of me.

Yours for always,

Larten.

I read through the letter again and again, until it became too much and I pushed it aside, curling up into a ball and crying.

Crying for the life I had just lost.

...

Arra's funeral was last, and there were only a few vampires in the cremation hall: the four other trackers she used to work with, myself, Vanez, Darren and Harkat. Seba had stayed for Gavner's funeral, but had left as Arra's body was brought in. I didn't care: it only would have been hypocritical of him to have stayed.

The fire was quick, burning brightly. Vanez was shaking: not being able to see his only assistant's funeral was killing him. Harkat was trying to comfort him, and Darren kept glancing up at me. He was crying himself, but I refused to. I would not let my guard down, not now, not when I had one last task to complete.

Paris said his piece, and stood to the side of the fire, watching with dull eyes. I stood and walked down the aisle, my eyes pinned on the ground. In my hand was the letter.

As soon as I felt the heat of the fire, I looked up: I couldn't see anything through the flames, which was probably best. I stopped, watching the flames dance in the air, and smiled sadly to myself. And then threw the letter into the funeral pyre, where it burned and shrivelled quickly.

I didn't speak, didn't move, just watched as the last of the fire died out, died out along with my letter of confessions and my one true love.

...

A/N: I hoped you all liked it! Please review with your thoughts, whether good or bad.