Written for the Because of Love Challenge.
And for yamiyugi23 for Secret Santa on the HPFC. Merry Christmas. (:

Remus Lupin

Because he's never allowed himself to feel anything before; it's too dangerous and he's got everything to lose.

Over the years, Remus had found that he had very little control over his emotions, thoughts and actions. When he'd been a schoolboy, it was easy. There'd always been someone nearby to keep his lid on—to make sure he kept his humanity.

But Lily and James died. Peter was dead. And Sirius? He was escaping Azkaban after doing fuck all for his precious Dark Lord, wasn't he?

There was no one left to restrain him. And he snapped.

He let go of that schoolboy personality that had kept him sane for so long and indulged. Alcohol. Sex. Drugs. Anything that made him feel blank and empty was good. It wasn't like he could keep up a decent job. And besides, what else did he have to live for?

Everyone was gone.

And then Dumbledore, stupid, controlling, Dumbledore had shown up, swishing his robes and offering him a home and money and food...and humanity. And in return all he had to do was stand in a stuffy classroom and say stuff.

Could it get any better?

And so he was sleeping on the train. But the dementors and the chocolate and the kids...and after leaving the compartment all he could do was gasp and splutter, James' name on his lips.

After that, he began to watch Harry.

To start with all he could say was, "Just like James."

Then he began to look a little longer and said, "Hermione Granger makes him think. No one could make James think."

Then he took a step back, looked at the big picture and said, "Ron Weasley keeps him grounded, doesn't he? Harry's not as egotistical as James was."

It was dangerous, the way Remus was acting, and he knew it. Remus knew when he was beginning to think a bit too much and look a bit too long. So he summoned all the self-control he'd once possessed, taught Harry what he needed to know and tried his hardest to distance himself from the boy.

He was thinking too much.

Thinking was bad.

Emotion was bad.

All Remus needed to do was forget. That's all he wanted to do. But forgetting wasn't an option.

So he thought a little more.

The emotion would come one day, he figured.