AN: This story takes place towards the end of New Moon, after Bella has rescued Edward in Italy. It is a Bella/Jacob story, and rating will probably change in later chapters!

This story actually came to me while rereading New Moon. Earlier this year my longterm relationship ended and like Bella I was a bit of a mess, not understanding how he could leave what I thought had been the perfect relationship. But I really feel like I came out of that experience a much stronger person with a better understanding and happiness with who I am. And I guess I just wanted Bella to have the same thing...

This is my first Twilight fic, so I hope you enjoy - annie xx

Disclaimer: Own nothing, but my goodness I wish Jacob was older and all mine...and real.

I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs. I opened the small window shade of the airplane just a crack and stared at the stars in the dark night sky. These past few days were a bit of a blur, everything happening so fast. And now here I was, on a plane back to Seattle, with Edward sitting next to me, his arm wrapped around my shoulders, and his eyes closed tight, faking sleep. I watched his pale, beautiful face and smiled sadly. My poor heart beat harder as I looked at him, and I forced myself to look away. This heart had taken enough beating.

The cabin lights flickered on and the sound of the captain's voice filled the plane. "Good morning, folks. We are beginning our descent in to Seattle Airport. Please restore your seats to their upright positions and stow your tray tables for landing."

I sighed. Charlie was going to kill me.

"Bella," Edward murmured, brushing a lock of hair behind my ear. His intense gaze was on my face. "What's wrong?"

I smiled and shook my head. "Nothing. Nothing's wrong."

What was wrong? I didn't know. Edward's words from earlier filled my head.

Just tell me, whether or not you can still love me after everything I've done to you.

Caught up in the moment, the rush of seeing him again, I'd nodded and profusely told him yes. Yes I could love him, would love him again. I still did love him.

I looked back at his face, and his eyes were watching me with concern. My heart beat harder and I tried hard to keep the tears from filling my eyes. He was back now, that's all that mattered. But my mind strayed to those days, weeks, months after he'd left, that hollow aching inside of me, the despair, not understanding where he'd gone or why he'd left. That complete feeling of inadequacy I had been left with. The trauma. It hurt too much to think about that pain: that unbearable, ripping pain.

Someone once said that by loving someone, you were giving them the power to completely destroy you but trusting them not to. I had trusted him, with all my heart and more. I had put everything I had into us, into being a couple. I had let myself become half of a person – half of Edward and Bella. And he had destroyed me.

Tears welled up in my eyes and trickled down my cheeks.

"Bella," Edward said, his voice more than concerned now. He pulled me into his stony arms and brushed his lips against my hair. "Bella my love, you're crying. Have I upset you?"

"No," I murmured, choking back my tears. "No, Edward. I'm just – just really tired, that's all. It's been a long few days. And I'm worried about seeing Charlie again. After all, Harry died and I wasn't even there for him."

He shushed me and hummed my lullaby gently into my ear. The tears continued to trickle down my face, but my exhaustion eventually overcame me and I fell asleep, not waking until the plane touched down.

I barely remember the flight to Port Angeles, and then the Cullens, waiting for us at the airport, arms outstretched. It was as though nothing had changed, as though they hadn't left. Although the hole inside of me knew otherwise.

"I will never leave you again, Bella," Edward whispered to me as we followed the wet, twisty roads back to Forks. I nodded and buried my face into him, breathing in his scent. I had believed him once, and I believed him again.

Too soon I was waking up, Edward's cold arms holding me as he carried me from the car. My eyelids were heavy, and I didn't want to open them, but my father's shout of "Bella!" caused me to stir and open my eyes.

"Charlie?" I mumbled.

"Shh," said Edward. "Just sleep."

No I didn't want to sleep. I wanted to sit up, I wanted to see my Dad.

"What are you doing back here? What's wrong with her? Give her to me, get your hands off her!"

Edward passed me to Charlie and I whimpered as I left the stony body behind. In a few short hours I had become dependent on him again. I needed him. The hole in my chest began to rip open. I reached for my father.

"Please don't be mad, Dad. Just put me down, ok?" Charlie released me and I took a few clumsy steps to the house, but almost fell. Cold hands grasped me under the shoulders.

"Let me just carry her to bed, Charlie. I'll leave straight after."

I whimpered again. I felt like the pain in my chest was going to explode.

"Not for long," Edward breathed. "I'll be back before you know it. I promise."

My eyes drifted shut, his words reverberating around my head. I promise. I promise.

ooo

Waking up wasn't easy. I forced my eyelids to open, and glanced at the digital alarm clock by my bed. The glowing numbers read 4:58 am. How long had I been asleep? Where was I? Where was…

I sat up straight and my arms felt the bed beside me. They met hard, cold stone and I blinked, letting my eyes adjust to the dim light of the room. I could just about make out his pale face in the moonlight and lifted my fingers to trace his features.

"You're really here," I murmured.

"Yes, Bella. I'm here."

I gazed at him, drinking in the beauty of his face. My heart pounded painfully. "But you left."

He hung his head. "Yes, I left."

"And then you tried to kill yourself."

He smiled sadly. "Only because I thought you were dead, too. I could not imagine living in a world where you did not."

I looked at him confused. "But," I hesitated, not sure if I wanted to go down this path. "But, Edward," my throat burned as I said his name. "You have been living in a world without me. What difference would it make if I were dead?"

"Bella," he started, his voice sad and a little hurt, but I cut him off.

"What have you been doing with yourself anyway?"

"Nothing, really. Well, I have been trying my hand at tracking actually. And Bella, I am so sorry." The words spilled out of him as though he had been holding back. "I am so sorry I left you in so much danger. I had no idea Victoria was such a threat. And to think that I left you in the hands of immature werewolves."

"They were very good at protecting me, keeping me safe." Annoyance fizzed under my skin. "Jacob never would have let any harm come to me."

"Jacob? Jacob Black?" He looked confused but then shook his head. "I am just to grateful that they kept you safe for me. I could never repay them."

"I don't think they're looking for payment," I told him, resting a hand on his arm to try and comfort him. My head felt heavy, and I needed to think. My eyelids drooped. "Edward, I need sleep. I'm barely coherent, and I feel like my brain is switching off."

"Sleep, my love. I'll be here, just sleep now."

I closed my eyes and slowed my breathing, feeling sleep almost wash over me. But I couldn't sleep yet, there were a million and one things I had to think about. The hole in my heart thudded harder still and I wrapped an arm tightly around my ribcage, trying to hold myself together.

It would be so easy now to take him back. To be a part of Edward and Bella again. But so much had changed since he left. It was like I was finally discovering who I was as a person, I was finally finding my independence, and I was almost happy.

I had been a catatonic mess, and with the help of my friends, my family, and especially Jacob, I had put myself back together, piece by piece. I had sewn my heart back together and began living life again. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel and my future had reappeared to me. I had started to dream about possibilities, and hours had passed when I didn't think about Edward at all. I had been surviving, and for the first time in a very long time, since I was a small child perhaps, I had been happy with who I'd become as a person. I'd let myself be carefree, let myself be a typical teenager and had fun.

And now the Cullens were back. And I could go back, it would be so easy, so natural, to just go back. But what would I lose? Even if I didn't change for Edward and lose my humanity, I still could not keep my family and friends. Charlie would start to notice when Edward didn't age, as would everyone else. I could never lead my own life. I would always be living Edward's life. The life of a Cullen.

But I loved him. I still loved him so much that it hurt, it tore at my insides and made my stomach ache. And I loved his family: Esme and Carlisle, who had become so much like parents to me, how was I supposed to give that up?

Panic filled me as I suddenly realised where my thoughts were going. I forced my breathing to slow so as not to alert Edward to my consciousness. Was I honestly considering not taking him back? This thought made my stomach ache and a tear trickled down my face.

I watched as my room finally began to lighten and listened as I heard the sound of Charlie wake up, bumping around noisily in his room followed by the shower running. Slowly I sat up stretching each of my joints. I was so afraid of what I was about to do. My heart beat faster and harder as I slowly turned to Edward. A small crease formed between his eyebrows.

"Bella?"

I scooted over so I was sitting cross-legged, facing him on the bed and took his hand in mine. "I love you, Edward. I love you with all my heart, and I love you so much that it actually hurts me." I pressed a finger to his lips when I saw he was about to speak. "And I know that you left to protect me. I can see your goodness behind that act, and I understand why you did it. It must have been so difficult for you, and it shows me what a truly beautiful heart you have. But Edward, when you left, I – I sort of broke. I fell to pieces and it took a long time to put myself back together again. I never thought I would be ok again. You were my world and I trusted you beyond belief. But, Edward, you left me. And I had to cope. I had to make some sort of life for myself without you. And I've found that I actually quite like the life that I've made. I'm happy with this person I've become, and I feel like I'm finally whole. I'm finally a full person.

"When I was with you, well, I felt like the best part of me was you. I felt like the most I had going for me was the fact that I was with you." I shook my head again as he tried to speak. "And now I can see that isn't true, and I've discovered that for myself. I love you Edward, but I had to make a life for myself when you left and I can't give that life up. I can't give up Charlie or Jacob or any of my other friends. They were there for me when you weren't. They put back together what you broke."

I paused to brush away the tears now streaming down my face.

"Bella," he whispered, cupping my face with his hand. "All I want for you is to be happy. If you are happy then that will make me happy. And if you can have a normal, human life, then that is all I want for you. I will never forgive myself for putting you through so much pain."

I shook my head. "Edward, I never would have reached this point in my life if I had never known you. And I want to keep knowing you and your family for the rest of my life. But I can't be with you again, as much as I love you. I'm ready to look after myself now."

He smiled at me, and his smile was genuine. "You are the most incredible person, Isabella Swan. You have grown into a beautiful woman, and I will always be content to see you living a long happy life. My family will always be your family, and I'll be here whenever you need me."

The tears flowed harder as I realised this was our goodbye. That I was saying goodbye to Edward Cullen, my Edward, forever. Panic washed over me, but I pushed it down. I wasn't losing him again, not in the same way. "I am so sorry I can't be your Bella. You will always have a piece of my heart."

"As you will always have a part of mine." He smiled. "I'm just sorry it's not beating."

"Will I see you again?"

"Definitely," he nodded, tilting my chin up with his finger. He pressed his cool lips to mine, and I kissed him fervently, then threw myself into his arms and clung to him desperately. He held me until I finally loosened my grasp. I kissed him again, and then he was gone.

ooo

I spent the rest of that day and night crying, feeling so alone, wanting to right the wrong decision I'd made. Occasionally I'd drift in and out of sleep, but as the sun rose the following morning a sense of calm washed over me. I felt a sense of security in knowing that Edward wasn't too far away, and that he'd be by my side if I needed him. And then I smiled as I thought of Charlie and Renee and Jacob.

And Jacob.

I hadn't let myself think of Jacob until now but I had to see him.

Slowly I got out of bed, the calm still hadn't left me. I padded down the hallway to the bathroom and took a hot shower, then brushed my teeth and dried my hair thoroughly. I dressed in a comfortable pair of jeans, a tank top and an old flannel shirt and proceeded downstairs, unsure of what to say to Charlie.

I found him sitting at the breakfast table, eating a bowl of cereal and reading the newspaper. He looked up when I walked in and I had to speak quickly so as to get in first.

"Dad, before you say anything, I just wanted to apologise for everything I've put you through these past few days. I can't imagine how worried you were about me and I hate that I put you through that." I moved forwards and sat down at the table across from him. "Also, I want you to know," my voice faltered. "I want you to know that Edward and I aren't back together. He may be sticking around and I may see him occasionally, but we won't be a couple again." I felt a tear trickle from my eye. "I know we don't usually share emotions and stuff, but I'm kinda taking your advice here: learning to love what's good for me."

I swallowed. I don't think I'd said so much to Charlie in all my life.

He grunted and cleared his throat. "Well, Bella, I know this must be hard for you to make a choice like that. And I'm – uh – well, happy that you're – er – lookin' after yourself and all. I know if your Mom had ever come back into my life…" he trailed off. "But Bella, don't you ever do that to me again. You took off, for three days, and I didn't know where in the hell you were. Then you come back, with him. You could have been dead for all I knew."

"I know, Dad, and I am sorry. But Edward needed me and I had to help him. I will always help him if he needs it, and I should have been more honest with you."

Charlie grumbled. "Well you should really be grounded." He folded his newspaper and took another mouthful of cereal. "But, uh, Jake's been calling a lot. You better go down and see him. You've got a lot of explaining to do, and trying to tell him where you went for three days might be punishment enough."

I got up and gave Charlie a hug. "Thanks, Dad," I whispered. "I love you."

He coughed and mumbled, "Yeah, love you too Bells," followed by something that sounded like "too soft on you." As I left the room and grabbed my jacket, his voice called after me, "You know, honey, you're happy when you're with Jacob. Happier than I've ever seen you. Just consider him ok?"

I rolled my eyes. I was not about to go starting a relationship with anyone. I wanted longer to discover this new me. I needed longer to mourn the end of my relationship with Edward. I grabbed my keys and left the house, the door slamming shut behind me. The sun shone through the clouds and I let it warm my face as I started the truck. I was ok. It was all going to be ok.

ooo

I wound the window down as I drove into La Push, letting the cool air wash over my face. As I indicated to turn into the Black's driveway, my tummy squirmed anxiously. Charlie was right, Jacob was not going to be happy with me. I pushed the stick into park and turned the keys, cutting the noise of my rumbling truck. I looked up at the tiny house and saw Jacob standing on the front porch, his hands buried deep in the pockets of his sweatpants. He was wearing an old grey t-shirt but his feet were bare.

Opening the door, I climbed out of truck and wrapped my arms around me against the cool breeze. Jacob met me halfway towards the house and indicated with his head that we should walk. In stony silence we made our way down to the beach where he strode off ahead of me and sat on the old piece of driftwood, half buried in sand and pebbles. I followed him slowly, unsure of what I was going to say.

"What happened?" he asked me gruffly as I sat down.

Slowly, I began to recount the story, how I'd flown to Italy, found Edward in the nick of time, the Volturi. As I told him of Alice's promise that I would be changed, Jacob leapt to his feet, his entire body trembling, and a low growl ripping from his throat.

"Jacob, calm down," I ordered. "I'm not…No one's going to be changing me. I'm going to stay human."

Confusion filled his dark eyes as his trembling slowed and stopped. "But then, what about these – these Volturi. What's going to happen?"

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. "Jacob, I love Edward. I really do. He will always be a part of me, and so will the rest of the Cullens. They're like my family."

In defeat he fell to his knees. "But Bella, I saw what he did to you. What they did to you when they left."

"But they didn't mean to," I explained, kneeling on the ground in front of him. "They were trying to protect me. But I guess danger will find me, no matter what." I smiled sadly at him and tried to get him to look at me.

"So that's it then?" he snarled the words, throwing them at me like daggers. "So you're going to run back to them, let them back into your life? After everything?"

"Yes, Jacob, I am," I tried to explain. I wasn't doing very well here. "They will always be a part of my life, but listen to what I'm saying, Jacob! I'm not going to become one of them."

The heartache in his eyes was killing me.

"Victoria is going to come for me. One day the Volturi are going to come for me. Vampires will always be in my life, but I have no intention of joining that life. Not any more. I just want to be me, I just want to be Bella. Edward and I will never be what we were. Never again."

He looked up then, his face confused. "But…"

"I had a lot of time to think, and as much as I can't let go of him, and I don't know if I will ever be able to let go, I can't let go of you either. Or Charlie, or Renee, or my humanity for that matter. The life I thought I wanted…" I remembered the receptionist for the Volturi, back in Italy and shuddered. "I'm sorry I left you like that, after everything, but I had to. I had to do that one thing. And if Edward ever needs me again I will be there. But I'm back now."

"So," he hesitated. "Let me get this all straight. The Cullens are back, and you will still be spending time with them."

"Yes."

"You love Edward."

I nodded slowly. "Yes."

"But you don't want to be with him."

I hesitated. Of course I wanted to be with him. But I couldn't. I didn't want that life. "No, Jacob, I don't want to be with him anymore. I don't want the life he's offering."

"But you're going to have a whole bunch of vampires coming after you at some point in the future."

I nodded again.

His face broke into a smile. "Awesome."

"No, Jake," I snapped, losing the calm in my voice. "It's not awesome. They are dangerous, and very old, and they will kill you." Guilt ate away at me. There was no way I could protect my families – vampire, werewolf and human. The Volturi would come, whether it was next year or in ten. At some point they would come.

"You don't have to worry, Bells. We'll be ready for them. When they come we'll be ready. Even if we have to fight alongside those bloodsucker Cullens, we will. No one'll let anything happen to you." He grinned and ruffled my hair then pulled me into a bone-crushing hug. "Stop worrying Bella, we can take down a couple of old leeches."

"Can't. Breathe."

He got to his feet and pulled me up with him. Slowly we began the walk back to his house. "Y'know, Bella, it took a lot of courage for you to make that decision."

I shoved him in the ribs, but I doubt if he even felt it. "Yeah, well I think I'm starting to see the bigger picture here. Just because you're in love with someone doesn't mean that you should be with them."

He stopped me then. "Where does this leave me, Bella?" he asked, his eyes boring into mine.

I tried to shrug him off. "You're my best friend, Jake. Nothing's changed."

He opened his mouth but the howling of a wolf in the distance caused him to look around distractedly. "I'll meet you back at the house, ok?" I watched as he ran off into the trees and disappeared.

ooo

His beautiful face swam in front of me, his eyes a liquid gold. "Why are you doing this to me, Bella? Why are you hurting me like this?" I tried to reach out to him, but my arms were trapped at my sides. A tear fell from his eye, but then it turned red, and a trickle of blood ran down his face from his now crimson irises. I tired to scream, to run away, but I couldn't move. He was getting closer, his eyes hungry.

"Bella, honey, wake up." A warm hand was shaking me, and my eyes flew open. Jacob's concerned face swam into vision. "Bella? You're crying. What's wrong?"

"Bad dream," I mumbled, wiping my face and looking around. I was in Jacob's living room, having fallen asleep in front of the TV. The light had changed, and it must have been late afternoon.

"You're ok now," he said, flopping down on the sofa next to me and wrapping a large arm around my shoulders, pulling me against his warm body. "Sorry I left you for so long. It was crazy today though, what with the Cullens being back and all." He gave me a small squeeze as he said their name. "And Victoria's gone, but we're all patrolling now. We had to renegotiate the terms of the agreement to move boundaries and stuff. We'll have someone patrolling your place at all times, and I think some of the bloodsuckers are heading up North, trying to track her. Bells? You're still crying."

I wiped my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt. "Sorry, it was just a really bad dream. I'm just tired I guess." I laughed humourlessly. "Crap, I'm such a mess."

"Nah," he shook his head and hugged me closer. "You're actually doing pretty well. I've seen you as a mess, and well…" he hesitated. "Let's just say that you're a little ray of sunshine in comparison."

"Thanks, Jake," I mumbled. "I should be heading home, it's getting late."

"Nah, Charlie's coming down for dinner. We're getting pizza. He and Billy are going fishing tomorrow, and I'm not patrolling. Sam's given me a couple days off, so I'm all yours."

"Ok, cool. Well I've got some homework to catch up on before school starts on Monday. Maybe we can just chill?"

"Sounds good. I need to do some work on the Rabbit anyway. Day in the garage ok with you? We could take the bikes out later?"

I nodded as I heard Charlie's cruiser pull up outside. "Hey Billy, hey kids," he called, carrying three big pizza boxes. As he walked through the door, he spotted us sitting on the couch, Jacob's arm still slung around my shoulder and raised his eyebrow. I cleared my throat and got up to help him with the pizza. Billy wheeled in to the room then and dinner passed cheerfully. After Jacob had eaten an entire pizza by himself and I had managed to get down a slice despite my still squirming stomach, Charlie and Billy put the game on and Jacob took my hand, leading me to his small bedroom at the back of the house.

I hadn't been in his room many times before. It was small, with a large dresser against the wall and his bed and desk crammed into the remaining space. I edged around his desk chair and sat on his unmade bed, pushing a pile of laundry to the side. Two posters were stuck, peeling, to the wall, one of some band I'd never heard of and the other of a motorbike. His quilt cover had a teddy bear pattern, and this made me smile.

"I've missed that smile," he murmured, and I looked up surprised to see him sitting so close on his desk chair. Tentatively he reached out and brushed a lock of hair from my face.

"Jake," I began, not wanting to hurt his feelings.

"Right," he leaned back, a scowl on his face. It was Sam's scowl, and I didn't like it.

"Come on, Jake," I said, feeling a little hurt and annoyed. "All of this isn't exactly easy for me. Just…just be patient, ok?"

He watched me, a crinkle between his eyebrows, then took a deep breath. "I'm in love with you, Bella." He waited for my response and when I didn't give one, he continued. "And I know you love me."

"Yes. I do love you Jake. You're my best friend. I don't know what I'd do without you. I don't know how I'd survive without you." Ashamedly I felt tears trickle from my eyes again. What was with these waterworks today? "Please, just be my friend. Stop putting all this pressure on me, I can't handle it right now."

He looked slightly taken aback and then his face fell. Moving to sit next to me on the bed, he pulled me into his arms. "Crap, I'm sorry, honey. No more talk about love, ok?"

I nodded tearfully into his chest, enjoying the warmth. At some point I must have drifted off, because next thing I knew Jacob was carrying me to Charlie's cruiser, and then Dad was carrying me upstairs to my room.

"Dad," I mumbled as he placed me in bed and pulled the blankets up to my chin. "Thank you."

"What for?" he asked patting my hair.

"Just for everything since I've moved here. I know I haven't exactly been easy to live with."

He just chuckled. "Bella, you moving back here is the best thing that ever happened to me. I just want you to be happy."

"I will be," I muttered, feeling my eyelids droop. I would be. I felt a sense of warmth and security as I fell asleep, and for the first time in a long time, I knew that everything would be ok.

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