I own nothing but I can dream... Deals with Self Abuse/Harm read at Your own risk

Lizzie was getting moodier by the day, Kathy wouldn't call or talk to her, her dad was coming around but she didn't trust him. They hadn't believed her, why should she trust either of them now? Yes she loved her dad, but she didn't like him right now. "No daddy, I don't want to come stay with you, you didn't believe me and only did after she beat me up." She spat into the phone at him when he called.

She tossed the phone onto the bed, frustrated she punched the wall a few times till her hand was red, sore and swollen. Lizzie was going down hill and fast, yelling at Olivia or Casey, but less often at Casey, least she understood. "Lizzie you ok?" Olivia asked. "I'm fine, go away, it's nothing." she yelled back.

Olivia let it go for the time being walking back to find Casey, "We need to find a way to help Lizzie, this isn't working. every time he calls she sinks a bit further into her hole."

Casey nodded, "Your right, I know he's her dad, but he isn't helping right now, and her outbursts are worse with each call."

Lizzie was crying when Casey knocked on her door, "hey Lizzie, can I come in?"

She didn't answer her, she was to busy sitting on the bed with an old credit card she found, it had been broken into pieces, and had jagged edges. She was doing a really good number on her arm, the jagged edges were breaking the skin and leaving small blood trails as she went. "Lizzie answer me, or I'm coming in anyways." Lizzie was still zoned out and scraping her arm up really nicely. After a few more minutes Casey finally spoke up and started opening the door.

"Lizzie ok I'm coming in." Lizzie jumped up realizing finally Casey was about to catch her, she hid the small piece of jagged plastic under her pillow, pulling the sleeve of her sweatshirt down trying to hide the marks.

Just as Lizzie was pulling her sleeve down Casey pushed open the door seeing the red marks, "Lizzie what happened to your arm?" She took her arm pulling the sleeve back up.

Lizzie tried to pull her arm away not looking at her. She couldn't tell her what was going on, yeah she understood, but still was to painful and was sure she didn't get the need to hurt herself, no she wasn't suicidal or anything, but her emotions were all over the place. She only felt better afterwords like she was really there and this wasn't some nightmare.

LIZZIE"S POV...

I yank my away arm away, well I'm trying to. Why is she so obsessed with it, what does it matter? I'm not trying to kill myself, I just want, NO I need to be in control of this. I need to be the one causing this pain, the scratches, the small amounts of blood, if they looked any hire they would see other stuff too. I wish Casey would just go away. I take a deep breath hold it for what seams like forever, "nothing happened, get out." I'm yelling hopping to make her mad enough to just leave.

She looks at me shaking her head as she holds firm to my arm and refuses to let it go. She pulls up my sleeve till half way up my arm, and I sigh. She is staring at the blood drying there, but even she can see this isn't a case of trying to kill or off my self, this is just me hurting myself, so for once I say what happens to me and my body, I control my pain my emotions, my hurts. "Oh Lizzie, why do you feel the need to do this? You shouldn't be hurting yourself." She is being to kind, I can't, no wont deal with kind. Kind hurts, someone always wants something bad when they get to kind.

I look into her eyes shaking my head, I have no answers, but I know I can't stop. I guess I could, but no I can't this is not for them, this is mine and they can't have it. Her eyes are saying a lot, but I can't read them, not in this state, not right now. I shrug as she tries to talk to me. "We love you Lizzie, I love you, you don't need to do this, please just come get me or Olivia when you feel this way next time." I nod, I'll do anything as long as it gets her to drop this conversation. I'm finally able to pull my arm back, pulling my sleeve down so the marks are hidden.

I hear her say she loves me, more kind words, but these words have me flustered. I ignore the pain in my arm as I kiss Casey. I look at her as I move my lips trying to make things better. I don't really know why I feel the need to make things better, but she said she loved me. I have to show her I love her too. She pulls back placing her hands on my shoulders keeping me from moving any closer. Crying as I try to move closer again, she shakes her head no. "Lizzie, what are you doing? You can't just go around kissing people like that." I try to show her with other stuff I love her, but She won't let me.

"You said you loved me, I'm trying to show you I love you too." I say simply as if it should be obvious to everyone this is the way you show love. Kissing, sex, and getting naked, it's all I know. I feel tears, hot, wet, large ones, they are spilling down my face. Why doesn't she love me as she said. She said she did, but now she won't even let me kiss her, how can I show her? I love her and Liv and this is the only way I know how to show them. the next two hours go by in somewhat of a blur. She again tells me I can't and shouldn't need to show love with sex, and never do stuff with adults or anyone I don't want to. Finally I get with the act and have her convinced that I get it, and that I won't try it again. I even tell her I know sex doesn't mean love.

Call you up in the middle of the night?

Like a firefly without a light

You were there like a blowtorch burning

I was a key that could use a little turning

Casey Finally left my room thinking I had it in my head how wrong this was. I called a friend, the one I had been hanging with during the day while they worked. I had no idea what to say or do, I just knew I had to get out of there, they didn't love me. No one did, I had no light left in me nothing worth loving. Every time I tried to show I loved someone I was shot down. She was at least someone I could talk to, Jenny wouldn't tell anyone what I said. She wouldn't even know where I was going, but I had to say goodbye, she was my new best friend, always there for me, always helping me in the last few weeks when I felt like crap. I waited while she picked up, even at 11pm she answered. She was whispering, telling me not to go do anything.

So tired that I couldn't even sleep

So many secrets I couldn't keep

I promised myself I wouldn't weep

One more promise I couldn't keep

I never slept anymore, if I did I woke up with tears, they think they know it all. I couldn't tell them the truth, I couldn't tell them it all. These secrets were drowning me. I did want to tell them, but I couldn't. I told Casey more than Olivia, but still none knew all of it, I left so much out. I took out the lighter I had, just a small plastic one. I hung up with Jenny I didn't tell her I was running away, I just told her if I didn't see her for a while she was still my best friend. I flicked it and watched the flame come on heating all the parts of the metal up. I told myself I wouldn't cry. No I couldn't, but as it was just another promise I couldn't keep I turned the lighter to my arm sleeve now pulled up past my elbow, I pressed it into my flesh, the hot metal causing a burning sting all around the area, only to do it again three or four more times near the first one. Tears pouring as my arm is now not only scraped up but with lighter burns too.

It seems no one can help me now,

I'm in too deep; there's no way out

This time I have really led myself astray

I feel like no one can help, this feeling sucks. I can't them it all, there's no hope for me, I'm lost even to myself. How did it get so bad, so deep, I don't know how to get myself out of this, I'm not lovable. All my attempts to show people I love them turn on me. More tears, damn it I need to stop crying. At least they are silent, and no ones coming to check on me. Casey had said I didn't need to let my self go astray, but hell what does that mean? I just want to know how I let myself get to such a point. even at twelve I may be young to most people, but I feel like I'm an adult. I know what's best for me. I wish they would leave me alone. These dark thoughts memories, and dreams, I won't share them. I'm so messed up.

Runaway train, never going back

Wrong way on a one-way track

Seems like I should be getting somewhere

Somehow I'm neither here nor there

I quietly move into the kitchen acting like I'm getting a drink. I have to make it seam as if it's all I'm doing in case they are up still, but since no one is I grab my ipod and my backpack. I take one last look around then sneak out the door and lock it so no one will think anything is up in the morning, I left a note saying I ran to Jenny's early. Maybe they wont call her mom. I look at the building I have called home for almost a month one last time and walk away. More tears, damn it I wish these tears would stop. Everything went so wrong, but I don't even know how I started on the track, or how to get off it. I walk with my head down, but my hands are gripping the straps to my backpack so tightly my knuckles start to hurt. My ipod is on low, I know I want to drowned out the world, but I also know not to act to lost since my dad always told me there are some bad people out there. Just never knew they were at home too. This line of thought is getting me nowhere fast, seams as if I should be able to deal with this but I can't. I'm going no where fast, even though I should be somewhere. At least I ran away from my troubles, I wont need to look at her and see that she really doesn't care or love me. Where am I, I wonder.

please R/R the more I get the faster I update, anyone can Review. part of Runaway Train By Soul Asylum, and cliffie.