Fangtasia Stories: Pam's Special Potato Surprise

Set after Dead Reckoning

Freyda, the queen of Oklahoma, entered Fangtasia with an entourage of around 12, both vampire and human subjects. She stopped as she entered the bar area, and gave the place the once over. She did not seem incredibly impressed.

"My queen," Eric said, bowing before her. "Welcome to Shreveport, and to Fangtasia. I hope you had a pleasant journey."

"I hate traveling," she said with a sigh, while taking off her fur coat and tossing it to one of her minions. "But I did so want to come and visit you in your area. And see your little," she glanced around again, "club."

Eric ignored the rudeness, and guided her to a table. Freyda was what he called an 'old school' monarch. She was several centuries old, had seen and done it all in her time, and had that jaded, sour demeanor that many old, powerful vampires had. She was surrounded by sycophants who constantly complimented and pandered to her, and while outwardly she appeared amenable enough, she was known to impart harsh punishment on those who displeased, or even disagreed with her. Physically speaking, she had a tall, slim, graceful frame, long, straight, light-blonde hair, and there was an ethereal quality to her beauty.

Eric found her completely tedious.

"I admit," he said, pulling out a chair for her, "I was surprised that you wanted to come to Shreveport, but overjoyed, of course. It has been too long since I've had the pleasure."

"Well, I hardly saw you at all during the last summit, and before that, well, I can't remember how long ago it was."

Eric took a seat beside her. Some of her minions sat down close by, and others remained standing around her.

"It was probably that time Sophie-Anne had that 70's roller disco at her palace."

"Oh yes!" Freyda said, leaning over to touch his knee. "Do you remember? Andre wore that huge afro, and people kept hiding things in it. And that sheriff, whatshisname..."

"Trevor."

"Trevor, that's it! He couldn't skate and fell over and split the crotch of his white, satin flares."

"He came as a Bee Gee, I think. Probably Maurice."

"It was a great party."

"Indeed."

They smiled at each other, and Eric thought he glimpsed a sort of coyness in her eyes. Drinks were brought to the table, and he took a large swig of blood.

"I wanted to see you," Freyda said quietly. "There are preparations to make before our ceremony, and, well, I thought it would be an opportunity for us to spend some time together, away from my usual royal duties."

"Excellent," Eric said, giving her his sexy lopsided smirk.

"You might have wondered why Appius and I agreed to make the marriage contract. Did he explain, before he met his tragic, tree-felling-related final death?"

"I found out very little."

"I've been looking for suitable marriage material for some time," she said, sipping on her martini glass full of B negative. "I've gone too long without being remarried. A queen should have a king, after all. Appius called one day to tell me that he had the ideal husband for me."

"Really?" Eric balled his fist up tightly under the table. "He was such a thoughtful maker."

"When he suggested you, I thought, of course! Eric Northman! Tall, blonde and handsome, from good stock. And Scandinavian, like me! He drove a hard bargain, I have to admit, but I could not be happier with the outcome. You have been a sheriff in the back of nowhere for too long, Eric. Your talents are wasted here."

Eric gave her the most charming smile he was able to muster. He knew that all the queen really wanted was a strong, vampire bodyguard for protection, and perhaps to offer some occasional strategic advice. Of course, she also wanted a piece of his hot ass. He would have no power, and be little more than a performing lapdog with fantastic abs.

"You flatter me, my queen."

"I do, don't I?" she said, smiling. "So you are not sorry to be leaving all this?" she gestured with a dainty hand.

"Not at all."

"There is nothing you will miss? I had heard that you had become rather attached to a human. Pledged, in fact."

Eric couldn't help but glance out of the corner of his eye in the direction of Sookie, who was sitting over at the bar. She seemed to be ingesting large quantities of gin.

"Only business, your majesty."

"Of course. You will be severing all ties with her?"

"Absolutely."

"She is a telepath, isn't she? That is very rare, and useful. Will you not bring her to work in my queendom?"

"I'm afraid she has already been contracted to remain in Louisiana, and work for our king, Felipe de Castro. She will be his, as soon as we are married."

Even though Eric knew this was never going to happen, since he and Freyda were never actually going to get married, merely stating that Sookie was to be someone else's filled him with a combination of rage and terror.

"Hmm." The queen looked angry for a moment, before composing herself. "Well, it's probably for the best. I don't tolerate idle gossip."

Indira appeared, shuffling up to the table.

"Your majesty," she said, bowing deeply, then kneeling before the queen. "Please accept this small token as a gesture of my loyalty and congratulations on your forthcoming nuptials to my sheriff." She lifted her cupped hands, offering the gift.

"Oh, lovely. What is it?" Freyda said, looking unsure. "Is that some sort of rock?"

"I carved a potato into your likeness, your highness."

"Indira is very skilled in the art of vegetable carving," Eric told her. "She specializes in portraiture. It is a skill handed down from maker to maker, within her lineage."

Freyda smiled uncertainly, before delicately plucking the potato from the small vampire's hands. Indira rose and bowed again, even more deeply this time.

"You honor me, my queen."

Freyda turned the potato around and looked at it curiously.

"Oh will you look at that," Eric said, leaning across to get a better look. "Excellent work, Indira. Excellent work."

There was a knobbly bit to the potato which she had used to form the nose, and into it she'd carved a couple of large nostrils. She'd sliced out a smiley mouth, attempted some teeth, and pinned two pimento olives on for the eyes.

"Thank you," Fredya said, unsure what to do with her gift. "That's very kind."

"Shall I keep it safe for you, your highness, until you leave?"

"Yes," Freyda said, handing it back. "That would be very helpful."

Indira took it back, bowing again. She gave a brief nod to Eric, and wandered off.

"It seems that Indira is quite artistically inspired by your delicate grace. I would not be surprised if she gifted you with many more of her wonderful sculptures. I hope you don't feel that she's overstepping the mark."

"I'm quite touched, actually," Freyda said, dabbing at the corner of her eye. Eric gave a brief 'what the fuck?' face, before quickly smiling again.

"Well, I am so pleased that you approve of her artistic talents, and her medium."

The queen composed herself.

"So, ah, tell me Eric, what do you plan on doing with the bar when you change states?"

"Oh, I'll just sell it," Eric smiled. "I will have no interest in coming back to visit, and would prefer to sever all ties with Louisiana. I have to say, I've become quite tired of Shreveport. I'm incredibly excited to be moving away." He reached across and took her hand, before lifting her fingers to his lips, kissing gently. "I doubt I'll ever want to be parted from you again," he said, smiling at her.

"I think you will like Oklahoma," Freyda said, returning the smile.

"I'm sure I will," he said, looking her over seductively. "In fact, I cannot wait to be in Oklahoma."

She leaned closer to him. "I can barely wait for us to be alone," she whispered. "My body is aching for you."

Eric opened his mouth to respond, but suddenly Pam was in front of them. She was wearing a blue and white, checked cowgirl dress, and some cowboy boots. Once she had their attention, she launched into some fancy line dancing moves, and began to sing.

"Oooooooo-klahoma, where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain..."

"Pam."

"And the wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet..."

Eric shook his head slightly and rubbed at his forehead.

"Pam."

"Oooooooo-klahoma..."

"Pam! Not now."

"But I learned all the words. I have a dance prepared, and a section where I do twirling. There is some lassoing at the end."

"Maybe later. You haven't yet greeted the queen."

"I was greeting her, just then. Ooooooo-klahoma-"

"Stop that. Do it properly."

He turned to Freyda and gave her a 'sorry' face, and rolled his eyes.

"Kids. She is quite the performer."

Pam crossed her arms and looked away.

"Hi," she mumbled.

"Pam," Eric said, firmly. "You are embarrassing me."

"Your highness," Pam said, putting on an overly sweet, high-pitched voice. She did a curtsy and batted her eyelashes. "Welcome to Shreveport. I'm soooo happy that you're to be married to my maker, and that we're to move to Ooooooo-klahoma where the wind comes..."

"Pamela!"

Pam stopped singing and smiled sweetly again.

"We've prepared some entertainment for you, your majesty."

"Oh, wonderful."

"Lights!"

The lights went down, and some seductive music came on. At the back of the stage a curtain twitched, and Bill was pushed out. He tried to get back behind the curtain, but was pushed forward again.

He looked out over the audience with a disgruntled pout. He was wearing nothing but a small, spangly, gold bikini top and matching thong.

Someone shouted "Whoo! Yeah baby!" and a couple of other people clapped and whistled. When someone shouted "Dance, sweet thing!" Bill began to move awkwardly.

"Enjoy," Pam said to the queen, before turning to Eric. "I love you Daddy." She bent to kiss him on the cheek.

"And I you. You are such a good, sweet child." He stroked some hair back from her face, and pinched at her chin. "So very sweet."

Pam smiled again and wandered off, looking happy with herself. The queen turned back to watch Bill, who was now working the pole. He was sort of rubbing his bottom cheeks up and down the pole, like a dog with worms scratching itself against a tree. Freyda watched with a look of astonishment and confusion.

"I do apologize for that little performance from Pam," Eric said, leaning over. "She's not usually that insolent. I think she might be slightly jealous of you."

"She is your only child?" Freyda asked hopefully, still unable to draw her eyes away from the stage. "You have very unusual dancers here."

"Bill is very popular. I have one other child, who went her own way and I've not had contact with for many years. Pam and I, on the other hand, are quite inseparable."

"Well that's... wonderful," she said, turning to Eric. "And your male exotic dancer, he's very interesting. It's very progressive of you to have male vampires dancing as well as human females. No doubt he attracts lots of business to the bar."

"Progressive?" Eric said, confused. "Yes, I suppose it is."

"Pam. She, er, calls you Daddy?"

"Oh, yes." Eric laughed and looked embarrassed. "She has a fierce reputation, but is really very loving. She and I still have a very close bond. I will have to bring her with me to Oklahoma, of course. I really couldn't bear to be without my sweet little Pam Pam."

Freyda pulled a face, and looked to her minion beside her. He just shrugged.

"I see."

Someone outside let out an ear-piercing scream. Suddenly, tourists and fang bangers were shouting and running in various directions. The cause of the commotion became evident when Felipe entered the bar, riding a large Bengal tiger. He waved a gloved hand at the patrons and vampires as the huge cat padded its way through towards Eric and the queen. The lights went up, and Bill took the opportunity to go scurry off and hide backstage.

"Hello. Hello, yes, nice bowing, yes. Very good. Hello."

"Felipe!" Eric stood and bowed. "I wasn't expecting you this evening. But how kind of you to visit."

The king dismounted and he and Freyda did some air-kissing.

"Does your cat need refreshment, your highness?" Eric asked. "Some kibble? Some milk, perhaps?"

"No, no thank you, sheriff. He ate earlier, and milk gives him the runs. I think perhaps he is lactose intolerant. He emits terrible smells whenever he has dairy."

The tiger growled and made a sort of disgruntled snorting noise. Felipe tapped him on the nose with his gloves.

"Come now, Quinn. No growling. Very rude."

Quinn found a spot underneath a nearby table and curled up for a nap.

One of the human waitresses came over and handed Eric the phone, and he excused himself to take the call in his office. Felipe took a seat beside the queen.

"So, Oklahoma," he said, waggling his eyebrows. "You like Eric, huh?"

"Well, yes, I-"

"I'm sure you do," Felipe interrupted. "He has a reputation for being quite a magnificent lover, but I think it is only right that I should tell you the truth."

"Oh."

V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V

Eric entered his office and immediately went to the closet. As soon as he opened the door, he was dragged inside. He shut the closet door behind him, and tugged on the little string that switched on the small light in there. He looked down at Sookie.

"You called?"

"We're you just flirting with her?" she said, poking him in the chest.

"What?"

"You were flirting with the queen. You were all 'oo, I can't wait to go to Oklahoma and have lots of sex with you'."

Eric cocked an eyebrow and smirked.

"Hmm. Jealous, are you?"

"No. I think you're just going overboard with the acting, is all. It's sort of hammy. Like, um... Gary Oldman in Dracula."

"I like Gary Oldman."

"There's no need for you to touch her so much."

"He is a brilliant actor. So very versatile, and passionate."

"Look, whatever. Point is, you're all over her like a rash."

"The point is, my love, that I'm supposed to be all over her like a rash. And if I remember correctly, this was your bright idea. Your plans are always ingenious, and they always work. You are quite..." He paused to lean down and kiss her. "Quite talented. I think that it's fair to say you have more talents than the queen has ever managed to amass, in all her years. You are my beautiful, talented wife." He kissed her again, and his fingers delicately brushed down her bare arm, his touch making her shiver. "And as you know, for me, there is absolutely no other."

Sookie reached around to squeeze his butt with both hands, before sliding a palm down the front of his pants.

"Oh, I'll show you talent, Viking."

Eric kissed her long and hard, while Sookie began fumbling with his belt.

"Sookie..."

"Say something in Swedish."

"What?"

"Talk to me in Swedish," Sookie mumbled, breathing heavily. "It helps things along. Let's make it real quick, I hadn't factored this into our plan timetable."

"Min långbåt är redo att lägga till i din hamn, älskling."

"More. Make it sound dirtier."

"Jag kommer att stöta så kraftigt," Eric growled. "Jag hoppas att ditt yahoo palats är redo."

Suddenly, the closet door was flung open. Sookie squealed.

"She's not falling for any of it," Pam said. "We might need to stake a bitch. Oh, and this," she flapped a limp hand in their general direction, "isn't helping."

"Felipe told her Eric's impotent?" Sookie said, still breathing heavily.

"She doesn't believe him."

"Well, of course she doesn't," Eric said, adjusting himself and zipping up. "We knew that was never going to work."

"She actually seemed mesmerized by Bill's dancing," Pam said, with a shake of her head, "and was flattered by Indira's potato sculpture. Naturally, she enjoyed my performance of Oklahoma, even though you cut me short. We're just not being weird enough."

"It was a long shot that she'd be so easily put off," Sookie said. "So now we move on to phase two of operation 'pomme de terre'."

"Land apple? What is operation land apple?"

"Potato, Pam. Don't pretend like you don't know the French for potato, I know you do."

"Do we still have spare time for closet sex?" Eric asked, hopefully.

"Nope. And no bitch-staking, Pam. Let's keep it clean. You guys ready?"

Pam and Eric both sighed and rolled their eyes.

"Yes."

"Yes."

"Then let's finish this."

Eric and Pam went back out into the bar. Freyda and Felipe were still deep in conversation.

"Sorry," Eric said, sitting down again. "I just had some important business to take care of."

"I'm glad you're back, Eric," Felipe said. "The conversation was beginning to get a little limp."

"Eric made you a 'welcome to Fangtasia' sign, your majesty," Pam smiled. "But you couldn't get it up, could you, Eric?"

Felipe brought his hand to his mouth and tried to contain his chuckle.

"Well, yes, I did have a special sign made," Eric said. "It was just more difficult to erect than I had imagined. I could have got it up though." Pam and Felipe held back their laughter. "Someone stole our ladders but I could have hovered. I needed some large pins to keep it up, but ran out of time and couldn't get to the hardware store."

He looked to the queen, who gave him an uncertain smile.

"Felipe," Freyda said seriously. "You really can stop all of this pretense about Eric being a terrible lover. His reputation is world famous."

Eric nodded, and flicked his hair back nonchalantly.

"Not as famous as mine, though, Oklahoma," the king said, flashing her a smile.

"Pfft," Freyda snorted, and smiled at Felipe. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Sookie made a loud coughing noise, which almost covered the squishing sound as Pam squashed the potato sculpture of the queen beneath her pump. She continued to mash it up until it was all a pulpy mess.

"Although..." the queen said, suddenly looking at him dreamily. "You are rather... handsome."

"I am? Yes, I am. Like Antonio Banderas, only a bit shorter and with tiny bits of facial hair."

"I never really... noticed before..."

She suddenly flung herself at the king, wrapping herself around him like a huge, horny barnacle, and began kissing him frantically. Felipe put up no resistance.

Eric looked over at the bar, where Sookie was sitting. She raised her glass of gin and tonic at him and flashed him a smile. He looked over at Pam, who made a staking gesture with her hand. He shook his head discreetly.

People began to get uncomfortable, as the king and queen continued their frenzied make out session. Eric cleared his throat to get their attention, and Freyda managed to tear herself away. Felipe was sporting a goofy grin and a face covered in red lipstick.

"All this time you have been the one," the queen said, looking lovingly into his eyes. "How did I never notice how incredibly gorgeous and perfect you were before, Felipe?"

The king shrugged his shoulders.

"I have no idea."

"Would you... would you consider marrying me?"

"Well, I would, of course," Felipe said. "But, you are already contracted to marry my sheriff here."

"Eric," Freyda said. "The contract is void. I'm sorry, but you are just not as handsome, rich and powerful as Felipe. And he does look a lot like Antonio Banderas. He has stolen my heart."

Her minions looked at one another with puzzled faces.

"If it pleases you, my queen," Eric said, with a bow.

Felipe mounted up on Quinn, and Freyda hopped on too.

"So long, suckers!" Felipe shouted as they rode out, their minions in tow. The last of the patrons exited along with them, as they tried to avoid the huge tiger.

"Well, that was much easier than I expected," Pam said. "Bill didn't even have to get fully naked."

"Thank the Gods," Eric said. He smiled at Sookie, took her by the hand, and pulled her in close for a long, lingering kiss.

"I think you rather enjoyed your time on the pole, Bill," Pam said. "You like the feel of it, don't you? That spangly thong."

Bill pouted.

"I would do anything to redeem myself in Sookie's-"

Pam let out an incredibly loud fake yawn, the noise of it overpowering the rest of Bill's sentence.

"Sookie's-"

Pam got right in his face and yawned even more loudly and obnoxiously. Bill turned his face to the side and stepped back.

"Aaaaaaaaarrrrrhhhhhmmmmm! Oh. It's been such a long evening, and you are so amazingly dull, that I appear to have re-developed my ability to yawn."

Bill pouted some more, his lip-pursing more pronounced this time.

"I thought you did really good with the dancing, Bill," Sookie said, pulling away from Eric. "And the color of that bikini really suits you."

Bill tugged at the material covering his moobs.

"Thank you, Sookie."

"Yeah, you were a real peach," Pam said. "Shaking your money-maker. Although I don't really see what the point of that part of the plan was, Sookie."

"It was a distraction," Sookie said. "While Indira prepared the potato."

"The potato?" Bill said.

"See, Pam still had Hallow's spell book, she never got rid of it, because there were some useful spells in there, right Pam?"

"Even though I specifically told her to burn it," Eric said, looking at his child. "I believe it was a direct order and I commanded you to do so."

"You did not specify when I had to burn it. I was planning on burning it in a year or so, when I'd finished with it. There are some very useful spells in there. There's one for hair removal, and another for locating misplaced earrings."

Maxwell Lee popped his head around a door.

"How about missing cufflinks?"

"No! Just earrings," Pam said. Maxwell went back to whatever he was doing before, crunching some numbers or making up some formulas for his spreadsheet or whatever.

"And we used a love spell," Sookie said. "I remembered seeing it in there when me and Pam were looking for a spell to make our hair more lustrous and bouncy."

"So useful," Eric mumbled, rolling his eyes.

"Whatever. Anyway, the love spell had to be contained within an item which had been touched by the person on whom we were working it, hence the potato. Organic items hold spells better, or something like that. We had to make it in her likeness, and Indira had to do the chant from the book over it, right Indira?"

"Goddess of the heart," Indira repeated, "send your powers from above. When this totem is destroyed, Freyda will see her love."

"Pam crushed the potato at just the right moment, when the queen was looking at Felipe. And it worked!" Sookie did a little happy dance.

"And Felipe knew about this?" Bill said. "He actually agreed to it?"

"Absolutely," Eric said. "He did not want to lose me to Oklahoma, since I am the only sheriff who ever gets shit done. Plus after they are married he will also have her state, then no doubt he will soon pull some kind of plan to get rid of her, so he can have it all for himself. He is very greedy like that."

"Well done everyone," Pam said. "Another disaster averted. Indira, clean up that mashed potato. Bill, put on some clothes, will you? Where are all the staff? There's cleaning up to be done in here! I think Quinn had an accident under that table."

Everyone set about tidying up or getting changed. Eric turned to Sookie. He looked down at her, and placed a finger beneath her chin, tilting her head up.

"No more marriage contract, no more Victor, no more fighting. Could it possibly be that we finally have a chance for some happiness? Perhaps we could have a full conversation for once."

Sookie thought about it.

"Well, there's still lots of strange fairy crap going on, and I keep seeing Mr. Cataliades running through my woods being chased by something weird. Oh, and I thought I felt a strange presence on my porch last night. And that portal that makes greedy chomping noises when I dump stuff in it-"

He placed his finger over Sookie's lips.

"Shh."

"But I-"

"Zzzzp."

He kissed her, before she had a chance to say anything more.

All that could wait for another evening. Although he really would have to give her some pointers about responsible garbage disposal.

V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V

After the club had closed, Sookie went to retrieve her purse from Eric's office. Pam was in there, having changed out of her cowgirl outfit, and she was brushing her hair.

"Do you think Eric would've liked to be married to Freyda?" Sookie asked. "She was pretty, and, you know, she's a queen and all."

Pam rolled her eyes.

"Don't be an idiot. She is very annoying. Eric doesn't want all that fancy, monarchy crap, anyway. He wants you. His lo-verrrrr." She stuffed her fingers down her throat and made a retching noise.

"Bitch. But me and him, we've only got a few years together, I mean, you know, in the vampire sense of time."

"Well then that's easy, you're turned. Problem solved."

"But I don't want that," Sookie whined. She touched her belt. "If only there was another way."

"What's wrong?" Pam said, looking at how Sookie was rubbing her stomach. "Do you have wind again? Honestly, Sookie, you need to do something about that."

"No," Sookie said defensively. "It's just my, er, powder compact. I keep it under my belt and I was just checking it was still there."

Pam looked at her friend curiously.

"Oh. Well let's have a look, then. My nose is quite shiny."

"It's not," Sookie said, shaking her head.

"It is. I can feel it, glowing, like a big shiny light bulb on my face. Give it to me."

"Your nose never gets shiny. It's fine."

Pam sighed and rolled her eyes, then held her hand out.

"I want to check. Come on, don't be a grouch."

"It doesn't work."

"What?"

"There's no mirror."

"No mirror? Well, there's a big mirror here, on the back of the closet door. Come on."

"My powder's too dark for you."

"It doesn't matter."

"I can't open it, either. It's broken."

"Sookie, this is the worst compact I ever heard of. Let me see."

"I-"

"Will you just do it? Honestly, this is like getting blood out of a stone."

"Didn't you once drink blood out of a Rolling Stone?"

"No," Pam sighed. "I once nearly drained a member of Sly and the Family Stone. Stop distracting me. Hand it over."

"Why do you want it so bad?"

"Because you are being so stubborn and annoying. Give it to me."

Pam held her hand out and waggled her fingers impatiently. With some reluctance, Sookie slowly slipped her fingers beneath her belt. She kept her fingers there for a moment, then extracted the cluviel dor. She caressed it briefly, before carefully holding it out to Pam.

"Finally," Pam sighed, taking it from her. "Did you like what I dressed Bill in tonight?" she asked, while she struggled with the catch. "I thought he looked just divine." She let out an evil laugh.

"See, it doesn't open properly." Sookie went to grab it, but Pam snatched her hand away.

"I'll do it. I think he actually enjoyed being an exotic dancer for the evening. He's such an idiot, it's almost embarrassing. Really, I wish Bill would grow some."

There was a little popping noise as the cluviel dor opened, and Pam's face was bathed in a warm, bright light.

"Wait!"

"Sookie, you're right, there's no mirror in here, or any powder. It's just like some sort of weird torch."

"Oh Pam!"

"What?"

"You opened my goddamn cluviel dor! How did you even do that?" She snatched it out of Pam's hands.

"Cloovoolwhatwhat? Talk sensibly, Sookie. You're babbling. You should cut back on the gin."

"Dor! Cluviel dor. What was it you said when you opened it? Did you wish for something?"

"I said I wished Bill would grow some."

"Some what?"

"I don't know, nuts I suppose." Pam smirked. "In my mind I was picturing him with a couple of large, hairy coconuts swaying betwixt his legs as he walked. Gently clattering together like the sound of horses' hooves down a country lane. Did I ever tell you I had a pony when I was human, Sookie?" She smiled as she reminisced. "I called her Dandelion."

"Er, Pam... I'm just gonna check what's going on out in the bar."

"Such a sweet little mare. Alright then, Sookie."

Sookie quickly made her way out into the bar area. Eric and Bill were sitting together in the corner.

"So Bill," Eric was saying. "Did Sookie ever give any parts of your anatomy a nickname?"

"Hmm? I'm sorry, what?"

"Your penis, for example. Did Sookie ever give it a pet name? The Ingracious Deficiency, or the Meager Inadequacy? Worthless Scarcity?"

Bill gave a confused look.

"No, not that I am aware of. Why?"

"Oh, no reason," Eric smirked. "That thong left very little to the imagination. As your sheriff, I am ordering you to never wear such a skimpy ensemble ever again, while you remain in my area."

"Actually I..." Bill shifted his chair back and looked down at himself. "Something is..."

"Er, Bill, are you okay?" Sookie asked, standing over him. Bill rose from his seat and revealed two large, round bulges beneath his slacks.

"What the?" Eric said, shocked. "Those weren't there earlier."

"Dammit, Pam!" Sookie groaned.

"What?" Pam said, suddenly appearing behind her. "What did I do?"

Bill poked at himself, before pulling at his waistband and looking down his pants. He made a sort of scared choking noise.

"It's-"

"What? What's happened down there, Bill?" Sookie said. "Is it bad?"

"Co-coconuts," he whispered.

"Oh Lord," Sookie said, turning to Eric. "Pam opened my cluviel dor and wished Bill would grow some nuts. Looks like it worked."

Eric shook his head at her, his eyebrows drawn together in confusion.

"Cloovyool what?"

"Babbling again!" Pam moaned.

"It's a fairy love token thing of my Gran's! It grants you a wish! I was hoping to use it for something a bit more worthwhile. All those years it was hidden away, waiting to be used for something good. Ends up granting a wish to turn my ex's bits into coconuts. Thanks, Pam."

"How was I to know? You said it was a powder compact! And by the way my nose is still shiny."

"Excuse me, everyone," Bill said, some little bloody tears appearing in the corners of his eyes. "Can we all just focus on the fact that my testicles have been replaced with coconuts?"

"Yes," Pam said, smiling. "Let's."

They all stared at the two large bulges for a moment, before bursting into laughter. Maxwell Lee even popped his head around the door again to have a chuckle at Bill's expense. Bill was making strange gasping noises.

"Maybe we could find another cluviel dor to wish them away again," Sookie said, trying to make Bill feel better. "Or you could find a spell in Hallow's book, Pam."

"Or I could make you a pina colada," Pam smiled.

Eric laughed, and Sookie elbowed him in the shoulder, and clamped her lips together to keep her own giggles in.

"I'm sure we can do something," Eric said. "It might take a while, though. You should probably find some good supportive underwear in the meantime."

"Well, I guess it's one less problem for me to think about," Sookie said, perching on Eric's knee. "I've been losing sleep over what to do with that cluviel dor for days."

"If I'd known I was getting a real wish," Pam said, "I would have imagined hazelnuts instead of coconuts."

"No you wouldn't," Eric said. "You would have wished for infinite shoes. Why would you have wasted a real wish on Bill's completely insignificant balls when you could have had mountains of designer footwear?"

Bill turned and ran off in the direction of the restroom, his coconuts clattering together as he ran.

"Oh, my dear Dandelion!" Pam said. "Eric, can I have a pony? I want a pony."

Eric smiled at his child, and kissed Sookie on the cheek. His lips lingered on her soft skin, and he closed his eyes as he breathed her in. The tension fell from his body, and a sudden, delightful warmth filled his heart. Everything was right in his little corner of Louisiana. He felt like the luckiest vampire in the world.

"Let's go home," Sookie whispered to him, wrapping her arms around his neck and nuzzling his cheek. "I could really do with some back-porch monkey-sex, if you're in the mood."

"Perfect," Eric said. "Just perfect."

The End.

A/N: That's it! Done! Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed it, I had loads of fun writing this. I know it took me ages, and I was an update fail, and I really appreciate all the feedback and reviews I've had for the story.

Thanks to the lovely RubySun03 for all the beta help, you are awesomesauce and the best beta ever. Thanks also to the lovely, Swedish Frlarsson for some translation help this chapter. Eric's dirty closet talk goes something like this:

"Min långbåt är redo att lägga till i din hamn, älskling." - My longboat is ready to dock into your harbor, lover.

"Jag kommer att stöta så kraftigt. Jag hoppas att ditt yahoo palats är redo." - I'm going to pound you so hard. I hope your yahoo palace is prepared.

Thanks again everyone!