A/N: I'm generally not a slash author, but I had the idea to write this in the middle of the night and couldn't resist. This is a break from my usual interpretations of the characters and just a bit of fluffy, angsty fun. Ax's side of the story should be up soon.

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I:

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"Sentenced first to burn and then to freeze, and watch by the window where the boys grew in the trees." –Carly Simon, Boys in the Trees

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If I'd had any idea what kind of bullshit my little foray into the woods would get us into, I'd have never gone through with it. But at the time, it seemed like an opportune moment. A man has needs, you know, and there's really no way to get them accomplished living in a valley surrounded by his parents and a bunch of bladed Teletubbies. And since I sometimes have trouble getting started and an osprey flying around with a Maxim magazine would be only slightly inconspicuous, I decided the best idea would be to wait until Tobias took his nightly trip to Rachel's and sneak out of Ax's scoop with some quality reading material.

Having, I mistakenly believed, given Ax the slip, I found a nice tree to lean on in a rather secluded part of the surrounding woods and unzipped. One hand went to work and the other traced the outlines of some of the lovely ladies – and their lovely derrieres – who graced the pages of the magazine. I had a ticket to my happy place and I was fully intent on riding that train to its destination.

{Marco?}

I doubted I'd have jumped more if Visser Three himself had been popped up beside me. "Jesus, Ax, can't a guy go to the bathroom around here?"

Apparently there are a few holes in the Andalite concept of privacy. Ax stepped out of the bushes nearby, holding a roll of toilet paper. {You told me you were taking the magazines as you'd "be spending a while out here". I assumed you'd forgotten this.} He used those creepy stalk eyes to look me up and down, noticed that despite the fact that my hand was in them, my boxers were still on. {I am pleased to see I intercepted you before you began to relieve yourself.}

"Oh, I'm relieving myself, alright." I muttered. Well, the mood was officially killed. Maybe if I pretended I'd just been fixing a wedgie or something we could drop the conversation at that. I pulled my pants back up.

{How so?} Guess not.

"Well, uh…" I felt my face grow hot. May as well be out with it. "Humans have certain…urges…if they aren't having their, um, reproductive needs met."

Ax just looked more confused at that. {You wish to reproduce? From my almanac, I would imagine that you would be considered too young to effectively raise offspring. And that is not to mention the timing of the event. I believe Prince Jake would find it irresponsible of you to procreate while your energy is needed as a warrior.}

"No, Ax, I don't wish to reproduce, I-" And then it struck me. Oh God, I was going to have to give Ax the birds and the bees talk, wasn't I? "For humans, um, sex is also for pleasure. And people get pretty cranky when they don't get any for a while."

{But wouldn't sex require the presence of a human female?}

"Yeah, but there's ways to get the same feeling without another person. Well, almost the same feeling."

{Is the feeling inferior?} Ax asked quizzically, and for the first time in this conversation it didn't seem out of curiosity about humans so much as about something else.

"A little, yeah. I mean," Not like I was going to tell him I wouldn't know from my own personal experience, "there isn't really the emotional aspect there is during sex. So it's different."

Ax nodded like he understood. It's always unsettling when he nods because his stalk eyes don't move with the rest of his head. {And so you were attempting to simulate the experience by yourself. Do you feel you must do this because you lack a female partner?}

I swear, you could have fried an egg on my face, the way it was burning up. Or used the red light that I could swear was glowing from my cheeks as a distress signal. To spacecraft.

"Yeah, pretty much. And, well, living with my parents tends to put a stopper on anything before it starts, either."

{Ah, yes. I assumed humans had a similar need for privacy surrounding sex that Andalites do.}

Great. Now he tells me he understands privacy.

"Well, I just spilled to you about humans doing some self-appreciation, so now you have to tell me about Andalite sex. Do you guys get frisky or are you just freakishly stoic about it?" I figured since he'd managed to ruin my date with the sweetheart on page 32, I could at least make him squirm a little.

Ax seemed to blush. {Andalites desire sexual activity as well, but unfortunately we have no way to simulate the experience alone.}

I thought about that for a minute. That meant that for almost three years, Ax hadn't had the slightest sexual activity, unless he and Estrid had gotten busy while our backs were turned, and somehow I doubted that. I felt kind of sorry for him.

"So are you just, like, so horny you could die or what?"

Ax didn't answer that. He just stared at the ground and lightly kicked the grass with his hoof.

"Jeez, Ax, you could just morph to human and get your rocks off that way."

{I would not know how.}

I was about to suggest him to look it up on the computer, but realized that given the horrors of the internet, that might give him the wrong idea entirely. "That sucks, man."

{Yes, it does "suck".} Ax seemed kind of deflated. I couldn't put my finger on why. As we made our way back to camp he stayed withdrawn, barely acknowledging my jokes and commentary.

When we got back, I sat on the couch we'd dragged in and turned on the TV. Nothing good on, not even soaps for Ax. The Food Network had bright colors, so I decided on that. Not to mention the new girl, Padma Lakshmi. A little light TV to keep our minds off how horribly awkward the last half-hour had been.

While we were watching Padma chop onions to toss into a stir-fry, Ax brought up the second thing that day that made me jump. {Would you be willing to show me how to simulate sexual pleasure in my human body?}

"Wait, what?" I stared at him in shock. So was that what he'd been thinking about on our way back here?

{I am sorry if my request was inappropriate. You do not have to answer.} Ax said quickly, managing to not look at me with a single one of those four eyes. I could swear he was blushing.

My jaw just hung open for a few seconds, thinking about it. "So did you just ask me to jack off in front of you or to jack you off?"

Ax didn't say anything. He kept very pointedly not looking at me. For the next half hour, it stayed that way, until gorgeous Padma was replaced by the less gorgeous Jamie Oliver.

And yet I still felt kind of hot. Not just my face anymore, either. My whole body. Must be all that repressed sexual energy, I thought.

I wondered how Ax felt. I thought about him piloting the Bug Fighter into the Yeerk Pool to help me save my mom. I thought about the fact that he was letting me stay here, with a TV and computer handy, rather than just telling me to get my ass back to the Hork Bajir Valley where I belonged now.

And this is where the bullshit started.

I sighed. "Okay, Ax. Morph human."

He looked confused for a moment, then nodded again and started to morph. I turned off the TV and fidgeted. It would be getting dark soon, and Tobias would be back. Possibly the only way this could get more weird would be to get caught by a red-tailed hawk. Or if the Yeerks attacked. But probably more so if Tobias caught us.

Ax waited for me to tell him what to do, now in his bizarrely pretty human morph. I tried to remind myself that he had fifty percent female DNA, and another quarter was my DNA, so if he'd gotten that part of the morph from me it wouldn't be all that different from what I'd been doing in the woods anyway. If he got that from Jake, definitely more awkward than it already was.

"Okay, Ax-man, sit next to me. We're gonna do this right."

"Humans perform intercourse while sitting? Ing. Sitting."

"Hate to disappoint you, but I'm not going to have actual intercourse with you. This is just a sample pack of my many talents." I scooted closer to him. "Also, if you want me to do this, you're going to have to cut it with the mouth sounds. It's a boner-killer."

"Boner-killer? What is a boner? Boh. Nerr."

"Well, I guess that's the first thing you've gotta learn." I said, and then I closed my eyes and started on him. I started breathing on his neck, right behind the ear, and then kissing, a little kiss here, a slightly wetter one there, a little nibble at the earlobe. I moved my hands so that one was running down his back, the other cradling his face. Pressed my body up to his.

"You know how humans make out, right? Deep kissing?" I asked. To my surprise, I was feeling pretty hot and bothered myself. I could feel him breathing heavily. I thought I felt his temperature rise too.

"Yes, I experienced it once with Estrid," he said before he pressed his mouth to mine. I used my tongue to coax his out, sucked on it, bit gently with my teeth. I felt his hands start to feel up my torso. Felt chills up my spine. Once I felt we were both as into it as we were going to be, I slid a hand under the bike shorts of his morphing outfit.

Oh yeah, definitely got that from me.

I broke away from his mouth just long enough to say "that, Ax, is a boner", and then I got to work. Gentle tugs at first, then faster, a full fist up at the top. If he had that part of my body, it stood to reason that he'd like the pattern I like too.

Sure enough, he did. A lot. I pulled my now wet hand out, wiped it on the underside of the couch cushion, and took a good look at him. He really was very pretty, even sweating and red-faced and panting and looking more than a little dazed.

"That a pretty good simulation for you?"

Ax, despite being usually confused by human facial expressions, knew enough about them to smile. "Human sexual climaxes are very unlike Andalites. They are much more…intense and sudden. Sudden. Sudnn."

"Andalites have the long slow classical-music French porno orgasms?"

Well, that just got a confused stare.

Then Ax surprised me. He leaned forward and started kissing me again. "Do you wish for me to return the favor?"

"Seriously?" At first I almost wanted to push him away, tell him this had gone too far the instant he'd had the idea, leave this now instead of going any further. But I was still hot and still very hard, and I got the inkling that this would come back to bite me later if he felt indebted to me. "That would be pretty nice, yeah."

And so he did exactly the same thing to me as I'd done to him. He was a bit clumsier than I was, but I didn't care. It felt too good.

It's funny. I never expected my first time to be like that. I always hoped it would be in a fancy hotel or something, with some Angelina Jolie type jacking me off while whispering in my ear how I was such a god in bed and how hot I made her. And even if that was just a hope, I at least expected it would be in a reasonable location with one of the cutest girls in high school.

On a moth-infested couch in the middle of the woods, with an alien who'd morphed into a human who just happened to share some of my genetic makeup, keeping an eye out for another guy who was stuck as a bird? Not in my wildest imagination.

But it felt very, very good.

It wasn't until about fifteen minutes later, when we sitting next to each other on the couch, both red-faced and sweaty, that I realized what a mistake I'd just made.