Disclaimer: I hate life, I hate death and everything in between just doesn't interest me.

Glaring at her, Severus Snape couldn't help but feel utterly repulsed. Where did this feeling come from? Thinking, Severus made a mental list in his head of all the reason as to why one Dolores Umbridge made him want to either; a) Kill himself b) Kill her or c) Kill someone else (preferably a first year of some sort, that were always fun to scare). Grinning (and subsequently scaring the shite out of the poor students who walked past and saw the feral look that Snape was currently supporting) Severus thought that he would do something for poor McGonagall, who looked like she was 3 seconds away from killing herself during that pathetic excuse of a staff meeting.

In reality all the professors did was grit their teeth and pretend to listen to Umbridge prattle on about some crap. Reaching the portrait leading to his chambers Severus muttered the password and swept in. Striding to his study he snatched up a piece of paper and started to scribble down words (which grew up into big, strong and overly handsome sentences that made commas and full stops swoon) whilst chuckling evilly (note: cackling, but Sev is way too awesome to cackle. Who do you take him for? A Gryffindor?) and sporting a smile that was most likely the bastard son of a cheetah's grin before it was about to tear out your throat.

At breakfast the next day.

Sighing in anger, Minerva stared at Dolores, trying to make her head combust with her awesome mind powers. Feeling slightly out when they failed to work, Minerva turned her attention to something else. Said something else turned out to be a piece of parchment that appeared in her eggs. Eggs that she had fully intended to eat and enjoy (and not at all pretend it was any body part of Dolores, no not at all) while she went over a, admittedly, long list of things she wished to do to Dolores, given the chance. Huffing and standing up, Minerva strode (note: stomped, just 'cos you're a professor doesn't mean you don't have tantrums so, aint that right Minnie?) out of the Great Hall, heading towards her office to read the letter that was now clutched in her hand. The letter in question was dripping with egg yolk (she likes her eggs runny, stop sniggering) and was pissing her off no end.

After a long, tiring walk that was filled with the heaved sighs of someone who thought they were hard done by, Minerva reached her office and slammed open the door (not for once thinking that the door had any feeling what-so-ever. I mean hey, it's just a door right? No feelings at all. None. Nada. Well, bub, that door that you just slammed is now plotting its' revenge on your ass, so you better run fast. You never know what the door with come and smother you in your sleep). Stepping inside and slamming the door closed, she threw herself on her overly comfy chair and glared at the letter. Curse you, she thought with venom, curse you and your dog!Baring her teeth at the letter and exhaling sharply (note: hissing, you pussy you!) she gave the poor, unassuming letter one more glare and opened it. Inside was a piece of parchment full of tall, strong, overly handsome sentences. Arching a fine eyebrow, she skimmed over the parchment and fell off her chair from the force (ah crap, someone get Luke 'cos Darth Vader is in the building!) of the giggles (shite, false alarm. Go back to your games of Cluedo) that escaped from her mouth. Why was she currently LOLing on the floor you may ask? (Heh, why should I tell you? You never asked... *twiddles thumbs* 'Kay, I'll tell.) It was because of what was written on the parchment that clutched in her hand. It read as follows:

Dear Minnie,

You want to kill her as much as I do. I know it, you know it, the Giant Squid knows it. So, for the sake of your fleeing sanity and of mine, I have came up with a way that shall make us both smile (or you smile, I smirk. I never have, nor ever will, smile) and generally brighten up our days considerably (yours more so than mine, but you get the idea). Enclosed is the start of a list. Not any old list mid you, this is a list that Merlin himself would have killed for if she was in out position. Minnie darling, I present to you: 50 ways to kill Dolores Umbridge: Professor style. Enjoy and bask in the goriness of it and feel free to add to it, that's what it's there for.

Sincerely,

Severus Snape.

50 ways to kill Dolores Umbridge: Professor style.

1. Get a spoon and a werewolf. Now put them both in the same room 2 days before full moon and tell the werewolf that its' wolfsbane is in her stomach and the only way to get it out is with the spoon.

2. Get Hermione Granger to go up to her and ask, "Professor, you look like Voldemort. Is her your dad or something?" She'd die of shock, embarrassment or from her high blood pressure caused by getting insulted. Or complemented, depends on your point of view.

3. Tell her that Hagrid wears a man-kini to bed and enjoys the company of women who wear pink. Then wait for her heart to give out or her brain to implode at the image of Hagrid in a man-kini coming on to her.

4. Get a book, one that's large and heavy, and lob it at her head. Aim for in-between the eyebrows. Or mono-brow in her case.

5. Starve Fluffy for a week and then wing her into a cage with him.

6. Well, Hogwarts has a hello of a lot of stairs, right? All we need is for someone to trip and fall against her back while she is standing on top of a very long, high flight of stair. She'd go down head first and wouldn't feel a thing… After the 34th broken bone.

7. Snakes. Snakes. Poisonous Snakes. Put the into her underwear. Though how you're gonna put the there is not something for the faint hearted.

8. Get a broom, put her on it, and make it fly into the sun.

9. Get Fawkes to flash her into a meat grinder.

10. Play music such as MCR, Avenged Sevenfold and Rise Against and watch as the will to live slowly drains from her eyes and then finally vanish. Give her a noose and say, "Go for it." And watch as she commits suicide.

Chapter 2 of this highly crappy piece of writing shall be on its merry way soon. Yay. Feel free to review and shite, tell me stuff about the story and such. Slag my grammer and spelling mistakes and the stupid errors that everyone makes. It's unbeat'd, and most likely never will be, so HA.