Disclaimer: I do not own SSBB, so on and so on…why do we do this on a site for fanfiction? Are we really that lawsuit happy? On second thought, don't answer that.

To Be Rated or Not

Chapter I: Sabotage in the Mansion

"Son of a b—"

"For the sake of all that is sacred under Miyamoto and Iwata," Peach shouted at the other smasher, "will you refrain from that language? There are children in the room!"

Marth glared back at Peach, not intimidated by the angry woman. "I don't give a s—crap, woman! These kids you're talking about stole my shampoo! How am I supposed to keep my hair looking nice if I don't have MY FREAKING SHAMPOO?"

On days like these, Wolf wondered how Marth could combine attitudes such as prissy and gangster so flawlessly. He was constantly in a state of two emotions, wonder to doubt whether Marth was actually going psycho over such things or the irrepressible laughter of him actually going psycho over those things. Today it seemed Wolf was in the wonder stage.

Peach didn't back down from Marth's bad mood; she may be nice and airy most of the time, but Peach wouldn't tolerate people not getting along. She turned to the children involved; they were predictably Ness and Toon Link. "Children," Peach said, voice returning to its usual sweetness. "Could you please return Marth's shampoo to him, so that he doesn't disturb the mansion's tranquility?"

"But we don't have it," Ness said, a know it all grin on his face. His I'm-a-genius-so-I-can-be-cocky kid attitude got him trounced in several brawls. "We put it back while he was going through the kitchen." Peach rolled her eyes and turned to Marth, but the prince was already leaving.

"I'm going to be doing my hair," Marth announced to the room. "Anyone interrupt me and I swear this blade will run you through organs you didn't know you had." The prince of Altea stormed from the room upstairs. Peach sighed and waited for peace to return to the mansion. As long as he wasn't disturbed until his hair was finished, Marth would be in a good mood later. Besides, maybe to make up for their spat they could get manicures together.

Smiling to herself the princess left the common room as well. Next to Wolf, Snake shifted on the couch. Across from them Sonic shook his head. "Does anyone how on earth know how he manages to sound so tough about something so gay?" he asked the room. Not even Ness knew.

Snake pressed play on the remote and the guys' movie started up again. Ness tried to take a seat next to Sonic, but the hedgehog nudged the kid off; all three of the guys didn't want to be caught letting Ness watch a horror movie. Toon Link wasn't interested in the movie at all; it reminded him too much of re-deads. The young swordsman ran into the halls.

It seemed to be a regular day in the smash mansion. Luigi and Mario were running through the pipes in their own version of cardio work; Popo and Nana were building with ice cubes; Bowser and Ganondorf were trading plans to take over their worlds; Metaknight was stopping Kirby from eating everything; and Samus was considering tossing Ike through a window.

She had bumped into the swordsman a moment ago. Ike, being the laid back arrogant guy he was, simply shrugged and kept walking. "You just bumped me," Samus warned. Ike looked back over his shoulder.

"Tch, whatever. You'll live," he muttered, and kept going. It was at that moment Toon Link kept going before he could get caught in Samus's wraith. That was unlikely since Samus had a soft spot for kids and Pikachu, but Toon Link wouldn't push it. He was looking for his older self anyway, wondering if he would be up for sword practice. Hopefully his older self wouldn't hold a grudge for this morning; it was only a joke.

Toon Link found Link outside in one of the mansion's gardens. He was sitting under a tree across from Zelda, who was sitting a on a bench. The great hero and icon of Nintendo was listening to Zelda, who must have needed somebody to confide in. Link was a great person for this, because he didn't speak much in the first place and wouldn't reveal someone's secrets anyway. They both stopped and turned to see Toon Link stride up to them.

"Hello," Zelda greeted, quiet smile on her face. Link's expression was less than welcoming; it was more strained. Unfortunately, having a princess who was the smartest person could be problematic at times. "Toon Link," Zelda chastised. "What did you do this time?"

"Nothing big," Toon Link protested. "I only woke him up this morning because he always sleeps so much." Link's frown hadn't disappeared, and Zelda kept up her matronly bore into Toon Link's psyche. How did she do that when she wasn't a mother? "Okay, okay; I woke him up by farting on his face."

Zelda's eyebrows rose as her bewildered expression turned to Link. His expression had turned sour, remembering the unpleasant experience. Zelda opened her mouth to chide Toon Link for doing that to Link—regardless of how much he slept—when a large explosion sounded from inside the smash mansion.

A good majority of the smashers and the assist trophies all groaned at the yell that followed, "FALCON!" Yes, the man known to Nintendo as Captain Falcon had escaped from his therapy session.

Captain Falcon tore down the hallway. Behind him, Lucario and Fox tried to bring him down and drag him back to their therapy session. But Captain Falcon's mind thought he was off escaping a great evil; he wouldn't believe their lies about himself. "Captain! Get back here!" Fox shouted as the fugitive leapt down the stairs. The veteran smasher ignored him and kept running.

He passed by Mario and Luigi, who were taking a break to talk to DK. There Falcon screamed at them what had gotten him put in therapy. "Falcon! I'm black!" he shouted as he ran. The three sighed.

"He's-a out again-a," Mario grumbled. Mario joined the pursuit to stop Falcon from terrorizing the mansion—that meant the women. Hopefully Samus was in a good mood; she was, now that she had begun her training.

Falcon ran into Game and Watch, who was cooking himself lunch alongside one of the assist trophies, Lyn. Despite being the brave swordswoman she was, Lyn turned and ran the instant she saw Captain Falcon. Fortunately for her, Game and Watch turned sideways to make an effective hiding space. Of course, this didn't stop Falcon from screaming as he accidentally knocked over their meals. "Falcon! I'm black! Falcon black!"

"I don't get it," Fox grumbled, "Couldn't Master Hand do something in his life for once? He's supposed to stop things like this from happening!" Ahead, Captain Falcon knocked over Pit and Lucas as he used Yoshi to slide down the stairs. Angry, Yoshi joined the hunt.

"Oh please, Master Hand-a couldn't catch a cold-a; how could he-a catch Falcon?" Mario asked back. Fox shrugged; it was a good point. Crazy Hand, for all his insanity and mind-numbing craziness, was more capable than Master Hand. How did Master Hand get his job in the first place, and how was he able to convince Nintendo that the complaints from Nintendo's greatest figures were rubbish?

On his way through freedom, Captain Falcon knocked over Pikachu and burst into the gardens. He spotted Zelda, and naturally came his roar of, "Falcon!" Before he could even think about getting in Up+B move range, both Links had somehow gotten hold of smash balls. They used them simultaneously on Captain Falcon and sent him flying through a wall.

"Thanks for weakening him," Fox said to them. "Mind helping us catch him now?" Link shrugged and took off alongside the other four. Captain Falcon was too much trouble, too often. Despite having been blow through a wall he was still running rampant through the mansion. However, Captain Falcon wasn't paying attention to where he was going this time, and he tripped over ROB.

No sooner had Captain Falcon tripped than the five chasing him had pinned him down. All the while as they tried to put restraints on, Falcon was screaming his name at the top of his lungs. But of course nothing goes as planned.

Master Hand's voice came over the mansion's intercom. "Would all the smashers and assist trophies please report to the main room immediately for an emergency meeting," he requested. Captain Falcon sprang to his feet and ran away shouting random nonsense.

"Eh, we'll get him after the meeting," Fox muttered. "It's not like he won't be there. Everyone always goes when Master Hand actually does something."

"But what-a is he doing-a?" Mario asked. "Getting rid of Falcon-a?"

Link shrugged. In the next ten minutes all of the smashers and assist trophies gathered to the meeting room. Sitting up front were the top eight seats, not only in Smash Bros but in Nintendo all throughout. Mario occupied the first seat, with Link in the second. Samus was third, Fox was fourth, Pikachu was fifth, DK was sixth, Kirby was seventh, and Pit barely nudged out Luigi for eighth. However, due to issues he was suffering, Pikachu was temporarily being replaced by Trainer Red.

"Pika pika!" the yellow pokemon shouted from the back of the room. I will rule you all! Those who could understand him groaned. Someone had gotten the idea in Pikachu's head that if he was the supreme dictator of the world that he would have all the pokemon treats he could have. Luckily Pikachu wasn't quite so informed as how to accomplish this, so his plans otherwise were harmless. It was so annoying though.

"I swear, I'm going to kill whoever poisoned little Pikachu's mind," Samus growled. Behind the top eight, Ganondorf shuffled his feet. He didn't think the prank so bad at the time…

DK looked around in confusion. Red was not in his seat. Before he could ask any of the others, Master Hand got up on stage.

"Hello, everyone," Master Hand greeted. "I trust the tournaments have been going well?" A large number of smashers shouted that there hadn't been tournaments because he hadn't done anything; the majority of the assist trophies asked why their paychecks were late again. Master Hand ignored them.

"FALCON!" Captain Falcon said, standing up.

"Someone shut him up," Master Hand ordered. Those around Captain Falcon were all too eager to do so. "Anyway, the reason I have called you here is on Trainer Red's behalf, who is currently serving as the fifth seat. Somebody has, eh, well, I'll let him explain."

Trainer Red walked on stage, and Pit had to admit to himself that he'd never seen his friend so angry before. "Someone has insulted me and my pokemon," Red explained. "Charizard is pregnant."

…

"Charizard's a girl?" Link blurted out. When he did speak, it was the mind of most of their community.

Zelda sighed and shook her head. "You didn't know Link?" she asked honestly. He shook his head wildly.

"Wait, you did?" Falco asked her. "How did you know? No one else did." In response to Falco's question every woman raised her hand, as well as Yoshi and Bowser. What? They were lizards too.

Master Hand coughed into himself for everyone's attention. "Anyway, someone let a rogue Charizard into Red's room and it seduced his," he began, but he was cut off again.

"How did his Charizard get pregnant though?" Pit asked. "Lady Palutena told me it was the stork who brought babies, not pokemon." There was silence in the room again; Pit was literally the most innocent minded of anyone there. Surprised that he didn't know, Ganondorf leaned in to tell him the truth, but a slap from Peach stopped him. She didn't want anyone corrupting the innocent boy any more than necessary.

"As I was saying, while we are glad for Red as long as he doesn't beat us up, this leaves him without one of his pokemon to compete in matches. Do you see the problem?" Master Hand asked. Everyone did. Someone had let that Charizard in; this was sabotage.

The top eight conferred amongst themselves. Who would dare to sabotage another smasher? Several suggested Wario, but Kirby pointed out amidst eating his chair that Wario wasn't smart enough to do that. "Do we have any security footage from the hallway?" Samus asked Master Hand.

"You think we have security? Ha ha, that's—I mean, sure, let me go, uh, find them," Master Hand said, and he was off. The top eight groaned. They obviously didn't have any security footage to review. Link was asking Mario how lots of feet could have helped them.

As the top eight continued to wonder who was the saboteur, it was Fox who suggested the scary answer. "Could it have been someone from outside the competition?" he asked. "Maybe one of Nintendo's rivals, or somebody who couldn't get in."

"You could be right, but that's scary to think about," Pit shuddered. "So how do we go about dealing with this? Tell Marth that the saboteur had his conditioner?"

"Let's not pull out our big weapons so soon," Samus warned. "First I think a little security is in order. This could be a onetime thing, or it could not. Having some sort of cameras at least would make it easier to tell."

They debated on how to toughen the mansion's security, aside from Nintendo's best boosted by the assist trophies. They were so dedicated to the task that none of them saw Captain Falcon creeping forward.

"SAMUS!" Zelda screamed. "LOOK OUT!" She was too late.

Samus felt herself picked up into the air and recognized the all too pervasive Up+B attack of Captain Falcon. The worst part: she was in her Zero Suit.

It was deathly quiet. Samus was so shocked by how she'd been violated that Falcon was able to do it again. Then all Nintendo broke loose. Samus went running, screaming bloody murder at the top of her lungs about needing a shower. All of the women ran after her to help her, while the men in the room turned to Captain Falcon.

"I'm black!" he shouted, as those closest to him cracked their knuckles. Wario slammed his head into the floor and farted on him. Seriously, the mansion thought; why hadn't Master Hand kicked this guy out yet? That was the third time this month! Ike shuddered as he thought of the last event; his fight with the crazy racer. Come to think of it, why hadn't Nintendo kicked out Master Hand, too?

Outside the mansion, the scout watched through his binoculars as Captain Falcon was beaten so badly he couldn't even return to statue form. Wow; even without their help the smashers were crazy. Chances were that Samus would come back for vengeance. Either way, it seemed like the perfect time to begin the assault now that their sabotage had weakened one of them. He called into his HQ. Falcon's shouts reached the scout as he left. Did he ever stop saying that word?