A/N: No, this isn't Kingdom Hearts. It isn't even close. If you wish to read the pitiful little sobstory that goes with this massive change in direction, go and visit my profile page (assuming the thing has updated by the time you see this). If not, just keep reading and pretend I never brought it up.

In other news, I have returned to this site. For those of you who know me and have forgiven me for killing the KH series, you may be wondering why I'm writing something like this. Or you may have noticed the scattered little hints I dropped that I am, indeed, a fan of Invader Zim. The idea for this story came to me in some kind of Dr. Pepper-induced vision, brought on by the silly idea to rewatch my Invader Zim DVDs. So now here I am, excited to be working on a story for good ol' FF.

This story is intended to be a ZAGR piece (Zim and Gaz romance, for those familiar with the terminology... took me about a week to figure it out). This might be yet another reason to dismiss this as the most idiotic thing to ever come from the desk of Lord Moldybutt. But I'm pretty excited about this, so without further ado: Victory for Zim!

Chapter 1: The Hatching of a Plan

In the private universe of Invader Zim, all was not well.

Zim had been working undercover on planet Earth for eight long years, during which time his progress had been minimal at best. Never had he been closer to Earth's total destruction than when he'd disguised himself first as Santa and then as the Easter Platypus in a magnificent holiday plot, but that too had blown up in his little green face. Since that incident, Zim decided to break down the domination of Earth into a step-by-step process.

The first step of the process was by far the most difficult: destroy Dib, the human who had been the bane of Zim's existence since his arrival on planet Earth. Dib, with his enormous head and irritating vow to protect the planet from its inevitable destruction, was a thorn in Zim's side that stubbornly refused to go away. Dib was also one of only two human beings on the whole planet who knew of Zim's true Irken identity. This made him a powerful threat to Zim's mission, and the only logical conclusion Zim could draw was to focus all of his amazing power on disposing of him.

Unfortunately, this had proven more difficult than Zim had first anticipated, which would explain his current situation.

Dib and his scary purple-haired sister, Gaz, were now eighteen years of age. They were now part of the senior class in Hi Skool, the highest level of free human public education. Zim, still posing as a normal human child, was also a senior in Hi Skool. However, blending in with the other human children had become a problem in recent years, due to a bizarre quirk in human biology: puberty.

As soon as Zim and his human classmates entered Hi Skool, Zim began to notice certain changes taking place in the humans. The males acquired denser muscle structure and deeper voices; the females seemed to develop udders on their chests and undergo monthly cycles of pure terror. But that wasn't the worst part.

The worst part was that the humans were getting taller.

The most dastardly side effect of puberty was the incredible growth spurt it caused human children to go through. At age eighteen, Gaz was now at least five feet and seven inches tall, while Dib was rapidly encroaching on six feet! It wasn't fair! It was madness!

Irkens, on the other hand, did not go through puberty. Zim hadn't grown a single inch since the time he'd been a little smeet, well over a hundred Earth years ago. He was still stuck at the degrading height of the average fifth-grader, which greatly hampered his ability to function in the barbaric Hi Skool environment. In addition to the "skin condition" he was reputed to have, rumors were spreading throughout the Skool that Zim was also a midget. It was demeaning, and Zim didn't like it one bit.

Soon, however, Zim would discover that he had even bigger problems on his three-fingered hands…

~~~Victory for Zim!~~~

Zim was sitting in homeroom.

Zim's homeroom was overseen by none other than Ms. Bitters, who had somehow managed to transfer to the Hi Skool sometime last semester. The dark, snakelike old woman hadn't changed a bit in seven years, and her new room at the Hi Skool was so similar to her old one that Zim almost felt like he was in her fifth-grade class again. The only real difference lay in the attendance roll, which now included Gaz. Gaz sat three rows down from Zim, in the desk directly behind her brother. Her amber eyes were fixed upon her shiny new Game Slave 4, and she was so quiet that it was almost as though she weren't there at all.

Through the contact lenses that concealed his true Irken eyes, Zim took a moment to observe Gaz. Human biology was a subject of great fascination for Zim, and of all the females in the Hi Skool, he noted that Gaz was perhaps the best specimen of human female anatomy. She was thin, but very shapely—a stark contrast to the streamlined and efficient body structures of Irken women. Her black and gray gothic clothing served to cover most of her features, but they could not hide the curvature of her body or the unblemished paleness of her face. She had grown her hair out a bit—it now reached to her shoulders, but she still kept it in the same style she'd had since her very early youth.

Yes, Zim thought to himself, the Gaz human is a glorious specimen. When I finally conquer this planet, she will be the first to be dissected. That should at least get an amusing reaction from Dib… and it will be neat.

Zim's thoughts were interrupted by the harsh, unforgiving voice of Ms. Bitters as she delivered what Zim just knew would be the most completely pointless announcement in the history of pointless announcements. It was probably unworthy of the time it would take just for him to listen to it, and it was surely nothing his incredible brain did not already know.

He couldn't have been more wrong.

"Attention, senior class," Ms. Bitters announced. "As you know, the end of the Skool year is mere days from now. After that, you'll all be dragged kicking and screaming into the unrelenting clutches of our society's mediocre workforce. Most of you will spend the rest of your miserable lives barely sustained by the minimum-wage salaries of your dead-end jobs. On the other hand, some of you will be sent to college, where your bank accounts will be emptied by the high cost of tuition and your dreams will be crushed beneath a mountain of heavy textbooks and meaningless education. Either way, you're all doomed."

Immediately, an arm shot up. Dib, as usual, had something to say.

Dib had changed very little in seven years—aside from getting bigger. Everything about him was bigger now: his black trench coat was longer, his scythe-shaped hair had gotten longer and become jagged, and his voice was louder than ever before. This made him doubly annoying to anyone within earshot of him—particularly Zim. And Dib's head… it was so ridiculously large that no one dared to speak of it anymore.

"Uhhh… Ms. Bitters?" Dib asked. "What category does 'Paranormal Investigator' fall under?"

Ms. Bitters glared at Dib for a moment before replying, "A minimum-wage drone, Dib. You will be a minimum-wage drone."

"What?" Dib exclaimed, apparently in shock. "Are you sure? Paranormal Investigators don't need even a little higher education? That's crazy! Paranormal investigation is a legitimate branch of science, and I think—"

"Do not question your second-rate destiny!" Ms. Bitters hissed, a glare of such cold finality reflected in her spectacles that Dib dared not question her further.

"Okay, so I'm doomed to be a minimum-wage drone," Dib muttered. "Fine! That just means I'll be able to become a Paranormal Investigator faster! Which means I'll get the tools I need to finally stop you faster, Zim!" With that, Dib leaped up from his desk and pointed accusingly at Zim. "You'd better enjoy the rest of this week, Zim, 'cause once we graduate, nothing will stop me from exposing you for what you really are!"

Perhaps it was not the smartest of actions, but Zim immediately hopped on top of his own desk and spat, "Just try it, filthy mammoth-headed stink child! Even after this so-called 'graduation,' you still will be no match for the superior might of ZIM! HA HA HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

After a moment, Zim ceased his maniacal laughter to find that all of his classmates were staring at him. Yes, it had definitely not been a good idea to explode like that, but Zim couldn't help himself. Irkens were the superior species, and Zim did not like to be challenged. Still, Zim knew, it was very easy to reverse the situation.

Zim settled back into his seat and let out a tiny cough. "I mean, uhh… look at Dib's head! It's huge!"

"My head is not huge!" Dib cried in protest. "My head is normal-sized! Why doesn't anyone see that?"

"Dib," Ms. Bitters barked, "be quiet and take your seat before your head eclipses the sun."

As Dib slid back into his desk in defeat, Zim chanced another look at Gaz. She still hadn't looked up from her GS4, but there was a distinct smirk on her face that hadn't been there before, no doubt in amusement at Dib's misfortune—misfortune, Zim thought proudly, that he had brought about. Hmm… perhaps Gaz has a higher capacity for appreciating my amazing Irken greatness than I'd thought.

Zim chuckled to himself a bit over his victory, but his smugness was not to last. If what Ms. Bitters and Dib had said was correct, then Zim had only days left before Dib became a proper Paranormal Investigator. And if Dib was annoying now, using only his own dull wits and equipment from his father's basement, then one could only imagine how unpleasant he would be when he finally got his hands on some real tools. Zim couldn't let that happen, or his entire mission would be jeopardized.

Thus, as the minutes ticked by in relative silence for the rest of homeroom, Zim began to hatch a plan.

~~~Victory for Zim!~~~

Zim arrived at his house at precisely 3:45 p.m. that day, just as he usually did. However, today he decided he had no patience for his robotic parental units and ignored their clichéd greeting of "welcome home, son" without so much as a second glance.

He found GIR waiting for him in the living room, watching something painfully stupid on television. "GIR!" Zim snapped as he entered the room, "Turn off that mindless poop channel! We have work to do!"

The little robot immediately shot up from the couch and turned off the TV, his teal eyes turning blood red as he snapped to attention. After only a second, though, GIR's eyes returned to their usual color as he declared loudly, "There's a party in my tummy!"

To prove his point, the teal panel on GIR's torso swung open, and a horrific amount of confetti and little party streamers erupted in Zim's face. Much of the confetti managed to get into Zim's mouth as he wailed in protest, forcing him to spit it out at regular intervals when he spoke. "GIR—pfft—stop blasting—pfft—party favors from your—pfft—belly!"

GIR did as he was told, and the confetti shower came to an end. Zim took another moment to hack up what was left of the colored paper he'd swallowed. When he was finished, GIR clapped his mechanical hands together with a shout of, "YAAY! I wanna do it again!"

"No, GIR!" Zim barked. "I told you we have work to do!" Zim looked around for a moment, then continued, "Computer! Take me to the science bay immediately!"

Zim stepped onto a certain floor tile in the middle of the living room with GIR at his side. As soon as they were in position, the floor tile began to sink, descending into the bowels of Zim's secret underground base.

Zim removed his clever human disguise—consisting of two contact lenses and a black hairpiece—as he explained the circumstances to GIR. "GIR, the situation is more serious than you know. In a few days, the Hi Skool seniors will undergo a ceremony called graduation."

"Aww!" GIR squealed happily. "Is there gonna be a party? I got more confetti!"

Zim shook his head. "No, GIR, there will be no party. After this graduation, the Dib human will gain access to proper alien-fighting tools! Just imagine the horror!"

"I like horror," GIR mused.

Zim ignored the comment as he continued his monologue. "We're running out of time to destroy Dib before he becomes too powerful for even me—ZIM—to handle. We can't let that happen, GIR! We'll have to come up with a plan that's even more ingenious than usual. But what? What?"

At last, the floor-tile elevator reached the science bay, a typical Irken laboratory well-stocked with various weapons, gadgets, and doodads, the majority of which were quite lethal. As the little Invader and his robotic minion passed this collection of insidious doom machines, Zim continued to ponder just how to destroy his nemesis. "Hmm. Hmmm. HMMMMM!"

"Why don't you just go blow up his giant head?" GIR suggested offhandedly.

"Silence, GIR!" Zim commanded. "This is serious work we do. I can't be distracted by the dookie that spews from your mouth!"

When GIR offered no further comment, Zim continued to think. "How best to destroy the Dib human? It won't be easy, GIR—Dib's gotten clever over the years. Stupid, but clever. And he's so tall! How do all those Earth filth monkeys get so tall? Such stature is a privilege unworthy of their stinky human intelligence! I deserve to be taller than they are!"

Suddenly, Zim froze. A fiendish smile crept its way onto his green Irken lips, and there was a certain gleam in his pink Irken eyes as the proverbial light bulb finally switched on. He rubbed his black-gloved hands together in a menacing manner as he murmured, "Yes, I do deserve to be taller. And taller I shall become. Heh heh heh… ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! AH HA HA HA HA HA HAH!"

"EEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEEEE!" GIR chimed in, joining his master in the most diabolical laughter they'd shared since last week. As dysfunctional as GIR's internal processors were, he did know one thing: when Zim laughed like that, it meant he had a plan. And when Zim had a plan, madness was never far behind.

GIR liked madness.

He liked madness a lot.

A/N: And that brings us to the end of the first chapter. You'll notice that the chapters here are much shorter than they were in the KH series (only 2,000-3,000 words apiece).

I do hope my first foray into the world of Invader Zim fanfiction is satisfactory, at least. I'll say that GIR is a very difficult character for me to write, because I haven't the faintest idea of how his little computerized mind works. At any rate , I have a good chunk of the story typed out already, and it grows by the day. Hopefully, this (combined with shorter chapter length) means faster updates for you. Feel free to leave a review if you like, even if it's just to yell at me.

This story is currently rated T because that little section talking about puberty is pretty much as bad as it gets (aside from all the Sci-Fi action/violence to come in later chapters). If at any time you believe the rating should be changed, feel free to point out your concerns.

Brownie points to anyone who catches the Yo Gabba Gabba reference.

Well, it appears I've run out of things to talk about. So it is with not a little satisfaction that I type the words some of you thought you'd never read again:

Until next time, Lord Moldybutt signing off.