Claimer: Yes, we really own Haruhi. We are totally making millions of dollars off merchandise. We keep the money in a safe. It's buried in Iowa. Seriously, there is, like, so much money in that safe you have no idea.
Well, this is awkward.
I am currently taking refuge in my closet that is now filled with an abundance of impractical pink clothes and... Are those yaoi magazines? Good god, where did they come from? Err... From what am I hiding, you may ask?
Is another one of Haruhi's temper tantrums spawning some horrible abomination beyond the veil?
Am I being stalked by a psychotic artificial human whatever with a knife again?
No.
No, this is something far deadlier to a gentleman such as myself.
Yuki.
To be precise, she is currently changing in m room. While I understand that she needs to be around me now, but really? Share the same room? And she could at least warn me when she starts to change.
How did she even get my mom go along with this, anyway? Oh, right; I need "a guide into the female world". How that means sharing the same room I'm not sure. Though my little sister certainly seems to enjoy teasing me about it. I mean, when Yuki turned up with just a single box full of uniforms and some books, announcing she intended to stay here for a while, the little IED was ecstatic! An-
"Kyon, I have finished changing."
Whew. I can get out of the closet. I open the door to reveal…. When did she get that? Yuki was now garbed in a baby blue camisole, with a pleated grey skirt. I didn't even know she owned anything other than her school uniform... and why is that top so loose around her chest?
"Uhh, where did you get that outfit, Yuki?"
"Your mother arraigned it for me. I do not know where she obtained it."
"It's a bit loose on the chest, isn't it?"
"Yes it is. I believe it is fitted for you." So, there's a girl who is admittedly cute, staying in my room, and now wearing my clothes.
Were it not the result of me turning into a girl, I would be ecstatic.
As it was…. Well, I was still enjoying the view, but it drove my current problem to the fore. I was painfully aware of my current lack of….um… proper equipment thanks to this surreal situation.
The only thing needed to complete the surrealilty and overdone cliché of the situation would for me to turn out to be some magical girl. But that would never happen, I'm just some background character, not the protagonist.
Besides, if I were ever sent out to fight some evil monster, I'd be more likely to kick it in the crotch and bash its head in with a convenient pipe than use some pink frilly magical love beam if push came to shove.
In any event it was one of those rare weekends that Haruhi wasn't dragging me out on an wild goose chase for invasions of extraterrestrial molemen attacking the park, so it looked like I was going to have some free time.
Normally, I'd use this rare and magnificent occasion to play some videogames and unwind, and I sure as hell need some unwinding. But now?
Now, Yuki would just demolish me thoroughly without even bothering to pay attention and it would feel really awkward or even rude to exclude her. Not to mention I've never really liked Final Fantasy or Pokemon or any of those types of games so I can't do something like that, either.
That limitation leaves me with a few options as to spending my time: Entertain my little sister and see how long it takes before she drill kicks me in the tit or something, try to find out if Yuki does ANYTHING solely for the sake of fun, or try and arrange some… alone time, emphasis on "try".
At that, you may be thinking "Oh Kyonko, you sly dog! Trying to sneak off and give that new body a 'test run'?", but that's not the case at all.
First, my name isn't "Kyonko". I never thought I'd prefer to be called Kyon.
Second, I'm not gonna just go off and do dirty things like that. I might be slightly turned on by my new body, but the fact that's it's MY body and not someone else's is more than enough of a boner-kill to negate whatever interest the body may spark, and probably what would result from seeing the entire Brazillian Women's Beach Volleyball team covered in baby oil.
If you must know, I want to cry long and hard in private. What? I'm man enough to admit I want to cry. I won't do it in public, and if you tell my sister I just mention to Haruhi I saw you talking into a strange device, but I can admit I want to cry. What do you expect? I just had a forced gender change, and everyone around me is acting completely non-chalant about it. Or molesting me with either their hands or eyes. I'm just glad I know I am ME in no uncertain terms. Just because I'm female now doesn't change that.
Well, enough of that. I'm not in NGE, and I certainly have too much spine to pilot a giant mecha, so I should try and figure out what I was going to do.
"So Yuki, what do you want to do?"
"Why are you asking me?" Sheesh, the way she said that almost seems like she thinks I'd have a better idea than her. I don't even know if she LIKES to do anything!
"Well, I was wondering what type of stuff you like to do. Y'know, get to know you better since you're going to be staying here for awhile."
"I am indifferent as to what activities take place."
"Okay, how about some video games? It could be interesting to see how thoroughly you kick my ass. Or maybe go out into the city and see if there's anything to do there."
"That is acceptable."
"Great, grab a controller." I got one myself, and put in my copy of Arm Joe. "This is a pretty basic fighting game, only really special thing is that it's based on Les Miserables."
"The French play and novel?" I think I might have been hallucinating, but I could've sworn Yuki looked confused for a second.
"Yeah, it's pretty wierd."
I decided to play the local Shotaclone, Javert. Yuki went with the stuffed rabbit driving a Mini-Cooper.
Suffice it to say I was thrashed in record time by her. She kept an indifferent look on her face the entire time as she tenderized Javert's crotch with that damnable stuffed rabbit.
It's rather annoying when your opponent doesn't even show the slightest bit of enjoyment as she pummels you with a joke character. She wasn't even looking at the screen most of the time, instead either staring at me or examining the controller in detail. The way she'd hold it up or shift her hands around or turn it over while still kicking my ass just made it more embarassing. No doubt she was figuring out the minute flaws and impracticalities in its construction to alleviate her boredom of thrashing me.
Eventually I decided to call in my little sister and see how long we could last until Yuki beat us. Whoever lasted longest won. I could say that I didn't have twitch reactions as quick as I used to, so I wasn't at the top of my game, but that would just sound like I'm making excuses.
"Well... That was one-sided. What now?
"Ice cream!" Gah! I knew bringing her in here would end in tragedy! I really need to teach her not to punch me in the gut like that.
"That is a sound plan."
"Ow, ow... Let me get my breath first."
"You want to come too Yuki?"
She gave one of her barely noticeable nods and we were off. Unfortunately my wallet was a bit thin from last time I got a penalty from Haruhi… she actually made me pay for a light supper for the entire SOS brigade. I can only hope that my little sister won't try to weasel herself into a full sized banana split again.
We made our way down to the local place. Thankfully didn't run into anybody who stared at my boobs. That had been quite annoying on the walk back from school yesterday. Although… the one or two girls who stared at them were a surprise. I didn't think they were emphasized enough in the school uniform to merit not so subtle lesbian attention. Or it might just be my still male mind having fantasies totally unfounded in reality. I can dream, can't I?
I got myself a small chocolate cone, and Yuki got a small sherbet. My sister… well… I am immune to her puppy dog pout and I'll leave it at that.
But in return… I got bombarded by the most annoying questions ever.
"Are you a Magical Girl now?"
"I hope not, that would be annoying."
"Did you get sucked into another dimension and cursed to be like this during some grand adventure?"
"I'm right here, aren't I?"
"Oh, you are, aren't you. Are you a reverse weregirl now?"
"A what?"
"Did I drill kick the testosterone out of you?"
"Wha- Where did you even learn what testosterone is?"
"That's not important, what is important is whether or not I drill kicked the testosterone out of you and that's why you're a girl." What am I going to do with her? Where did she even get these ideas?
Having gorged ourselves on ice cream, we "decided" to go to the park, by which I mean my sister dragged us there. Lacking anything better to do, I sat down on a bench.
"She is very energetic."
"Yup. I call her a 'little IED' for a reason." Huh, this almost seems like...
"Understood. Is she difficult to live with?" ...Small talk?
"Sometimes, yeah. She's a good kid though, when she isn't assaulting me." Am I seriously having small talk with Yuki?
"That is good to hear."
I can't believe it. Yuki actually engaging in small talk. This is great, I was seriously worried that she was completely like a computer and had no human side. Glad to see that's not completely true. Probably should encourage this.
"So Yuki, you do much when you're not at the SOS meetings? I mean, besides anything that deals with your mission."
"I read."
"Oh? Well, I guess that makes sense since you were in the Literary Club. What do you read, normally?"
"Books."
"..."
I would think she's joking, or messing with me, but she's Yuki, and Yuki just doesn't do that.
"I meant, what kinds of books? Any authors in particular you like?"
"Science fiction."
"Any particular authors?"
"No."
Well, at least she has a favorite SOMETHING. I would continue, but at that time, my sister came up to us, with, you won't believe this, a squirrel. I mean, how did she manage to catch that?
"Look what I got!"
The rest of the afternoon was spent dealing with the fallout of dealing with the fact my little sister managed to catch a squirrel and wanted it as a pet. And the fact she thought it would be a great idea for it to be put in my shirt.
This night was going to be akward. Yuki insisted on sleeping in my room in a futon. Now normally a guy like me would be thrilled to have a cute girl in his room. Two problems. I still have boobs. Second, this is Yuki, and she's only in here to help me get my little friend back. Man… this sounds like some weird ass dating game set up. Well… even if it were, at least it's not Koizumi.
"Yuki… can you please warn me when you are about to change?"
Yup, closet again. I hope this doesn't become a regular occurance.
"Why? We are both girls."
"Except I'm not a girl."
"Physical evidence indicates otherwise."
"Buh- I mean, I'm not a girl. At least not mentally."
"I have seen no real indication of this."
"Wait, what?"
"Your behavior is not particularly masculine, nor is it particularly feminine."
"What do you mean, not masculine?"
"You are behaviorally androgynous by many modern standards."
Wait… is she saying… I'm not a guy OR a girl… then what IS she saying I am?
"Yuki… are you saying that I wasn't ever really a guy?"
"No. I am saying you are not overly masculine and never have been."
"What do you mean by overly masculine?"
"Wrestling, fighting, yelling, pompadours, sarashi, fundoshi, homosexual undertones, shirtlessness, swords, longcoats, tattoos, sunglasses, and monster trucks are overly masculine. You have none of those thing with the exception of homosexual undertones."
"Wait, what?"
"Your relationship with Koizumi. It is more than just friends, correct?"
Must.. not… too late. I have already applied the hand to my forehead.
"Yuki… no, just no. The guy creeps me out to no end. It's entirely just him. I'm not sure if he's just doing it to mess with me or not, but I don't like him. Not even sure if I actually consider him a friend, even. He just pisses me off too much." Sheesh. I swear. Stupid moron, your completely and utterly annoying nature manages to be a pain in the ass even when you're not around. "But really, if you say androgynous, do you mean I have overtly feminine traits too?"
"No. You lack behavioral traits which are either feminine or masculine. You do not giggle, shop in fashionable stores, purchase numerous pairs of shoes, have a boyfriend, bleach your hair, wear gothic lolita clothing, prostitute yourself, sell panties, or any such acts. Except have a boyfriend."
"... Yuki, I just said I don't consider Koizumi a friend of any type, and especially not a boyfriend."
Don't tell me Yuki is a yaoi fangirl… that would suck. Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against homosexuals who aren't Koizumi. It's just that she would try to… ecourage Koizumi. Oh man… I really hope she wasn't pushing him along before.
"Yuki… did you give him any encouragement to harass me?" Please say no please say no please say no...
"Do you think that I did?" That doesn't help!
"I don't know, did you?"
"I most likely did not, depending upon what is considered encouragement and what is considered harassment." That helps less!
Quick, think of a dodge to get off this nightmarish subject.
"So, uh, um. You're not going to push that NOW are you?" Idiot. Still same subject. Hopefully I'll get a clear no. Or something a lot less disagreeable. Hopefully this was just her not understanding human interaction in general, and not active and premeditated pushing of Koizumi. Because that would just be horrendous.
"I did not push anything."
"Oh, okay. It sounded like you did."
"I do not find the concept of two men together as appealing as that of two women. Asahina can most likely support this statement." Wait, what?
"Wait, wait… did you just say that you're a yuri fangirl?" And.. did she just imply she molested the lovely beacon of maidenhood? I hope you didn't receive more molestation Miss Asahina.
No, that can't be it. This is Yuki. I'm sure it's just like, a case of preferring blue to red or something of that nature. I don't even know if Yuki really even understands what a relationship is now that I think about it. Well, she knows what it is in a dictionary way, but I'm not sure if she understands on a cultural, emotional level than an intellectual level.
"I did not say that."
"Did you imply it? And what do you mean 'Asahina can most likely support this statement'?"
"Asahina has repeatedly encountered me at times when I was playing 'H-Games', as they are known."
Wow, This is great, Yuki can make a joke. I chuckle a bit.
"Nice to know you DO have a sense of humor Yuki." I give her a grin.
"I am not joking."
"... You don't need to say that, I know it's a joke."
"It is not."
"... You were seriously playing H-games?"
"Yes. They provide an interesting window into the human psyche."
Ah. That's very like her.
"They also have a certain appeal."
"…" Well, this is more than a little unsettling. "What TYPE of appeal, dare I ask?"
"It is difficult to describe. I am uncertain as to why, but seeing the girls in compromising positions is..." I could SWEAR there was a predatory glint in her eye right then, even though her expression was just as dispassionate and neutral as always. "... Exciting."
"Exciting?" Edging toward the door is one of those things that goes against good manners, but there are times when you just NEED to. "Well I guess they're supposed to be."
She simply nodded. This is going to be a very awkward night.
After changing in the closet, I settled down in my bed to go to sleep. Who knew our little Yuki was a pervert? I bet it's totally Haruhi's fault. And I'm not talking about Haruhi Ex Machina style fault, I mean normal fault.
With Haruhi's habit of molesting poor Miss Asahina on a near daily basis, it's only natural that someone with minimal social interaction would be influenced by that.
Great, now I'll have to be Haruhi's conscience even more than usual.
Eventually I managed to get to sleep. I dreamed of being the magical girl. Fluffy Pink, defender of the world to be exact. I was wielding an assault rifle and had to wear a frilly purple camo outfit as I fight alien invaders. Stupid genre enforcing contracts. At least I got out of the frilly stuff or sailor fuku.
I also had a sidekick, Frilly Purple AKA Yuki in a fluffy pink camo outfit using a sword. She did most of the actual fighting while I stood off to the side, making commentary, pointing out plot holes, being meta, and the performing the occasional nut-shot.
Together we defeated the aliens as American publishing companies tried to pass them off as cousins to lessen the fan speculation that they're lesbians. It's kind of hard to do that, though, when they're shown doing things that cousins generally don't.
Yeah… just the night I needed to dream about that.
Thanks hormones.
I really appreciate it.
No, really.
Oh, and did I mention that I saw the whole dream like it was an anime? The theme song sucked.
Man, I'm really in for a ride now more than ever, aren't I?
A/N:
And here's the second chapter! Finally! Again, any comments and critique are much appreciated, for they make the writers happy.