Plot Holes

A glimpse at a parody on a favorite cliché. No offense meant. I admit that I'm guilty of many of the things I poke fun of in here. My first ever parody; feedback is much appreciated.

I don't own Harry Potter.

Enjoy.

Warning: Includes a mention of Twilight-bashing. Seriously sorry, I couldn't resist.

"The board has communed and has voiced a unanimous decision protesting this route, sir. It would be most unwise to proceed as planned."

The Minister waved a hand distractedly in the air as he continued to scribble on a piece of parchment. "Continue," he muttered.

His assistant cleared his throat and shuffled the papers in his hands. "The motives of this marriage amendment would be to declare an end to inbreeding, save the dwindling wizarding population, and force reconciliation between postwar forces. However, this forced reconciliation will fail to resolve the two opposing sides and rather raise resentment, not to mention that this treaty itself breaches the personal liberties guaranteed in Article IV. Couples forced to join together in holy matrimony will not want to share a bed, let alone have a child together, therefore defeating one of the purposes of the treaty entirely."

"We'll require them to bear at least one child, then," the Minister murmured, barely paying attention.

The young assistant nodded sharply. "Yes, sir, but can you imagine a child being raised in a home where the two parents can't stand each other because they were forced together? Perhaps more so than this generation, this amendment will negatively impact the second generation."

The Minister waved the issue away. "Purebloods have betrothals all the time."

"Which brings about another point. Muggleborns will find this direction toward pureblood tradition scandalous and may rebel. Not to mention that given the community we are governing, regulating marriages would be a near impossible task. It will be impossible to characterize and understand all members of society before betrothing them. Therefore, when we match people with each other, the process is bound to be at least partially random, and people with completely different ideals may be forced to join. Such sharp differences in character indicate towards a failed marriage, and failed marriages indicate a failed society."

"Hmm," the Minister hummed noncommittally.

"The numbers don't even match up. If you're proposing to wed every Muggleborn to a Pureblood and vice versa, you'll find that you will run out of Purebloods and have an excess of single Muggleborns. This is, of course, completely ignoring the major plot hole in which all Half Bloods are ignored."

"It'll work out," the Minister assured the assistant.

The assistant remained doubtful. "There are other more optimal uses to propose unity. Install a reconciliation class required for all members of society, for instance. The board has compiled a list of items that may serve as a better replacement for this marriage treaty."

"Leave it by the door," the Minister ordered. His assistant nodded and tucked the sheet into a stack of otherwise untouched papers that were never reviewed, the bottommost article a 1422 proposal to legalize Muggle-burning as a nationwide sport.

"And all unanimously agree that this is an extension of power that government is not permitted by our constitution. Politicians note that with the passage of this amendment, we will be approaching an ineffective communist government. And you must also realize that this treaty will potentially ruin the lives of many of our war heroes, who saved our lives."

"Nonsense," the Minister retorted.

The assistant tried one last time. "Public reaction to this will be largely negative," he pointed out. "You will certainly lose in the next election."

"I'm the bloody minister whose name no one knows, kid. Got that? Dolores Umbridge is still employed under me. Do I look like I'm competent?" the minister argued.

The assistant trembled behind the packet of parchment. "N – no, sir. I mean – "

"As I said. Proceed with the amendment."

Marriage Amendment

All persons currently unmarried between the ages of 18 and 35 will be hereby assigned a lifelong partner to be joined in matrimony.

All purebloods must be married to a muggleborn, and all muggleborns must be married to a pureblood.

The "Plot Hole" Clause:

All persons currently married between the ages of 18 and 35 must likewise meet the requirements of the Marriage Amendment, in that:

All purebloods must be married to muggleborns

All muggleborns must be married to purebloods

If this is not the case, a divorce will be filed and you will be assigned another partner.

All persons that are greater than 35 and/or are half bloods are conveniently omitted.

All persons younger than 18 will end up marrying someone in their own year since everyone else will be taken by the time they become of age.

If any of this doesn't make sense, it's because we didn't know what we were doing when we were writing this amendment.

And that's because the fanfiction author hasn't done enough thinking and is in desperate need of a beta.

The first thing Ron does is propose to Hermione.

The first thing the Ministry does to ensure that the lives of their celebrated war heroes are as miserable as possible is to reject their petition for marriage.

The next thing Neville does is propose to Hermione.

(You see, after the war, the once forgetful boy has experienced major character development and is among the most courageous and confident in Britain.)

The next thing the Ministry does to ensure that the lives of their celebrated war heroes are as miserable as possible is to reject their petition for marriage.

And somewhere along the line, Hermione runs out of pureblood male friends to propose to her, not that the Marriage Amendment even allowed proposing of any sort to happen in the first place. Instead, they send her an owl, informing her courteously and respectfully of her designated groom they had so thoughtfully chosen, laden with well wishes of a blessed future.

Dear Miss Granger,

We will forgo any mention of your bravery and courage in saving our lives in the war and reestablishing order while we, the Ministry, were virtually useless. Instead, we will attempt to show how powerful and useful we really are by proving to you that it is us, in the end, that owns you.

Your designated husband is Draco Malfoy. Congratulations on your impending nuptials.

Regards,

(Insert Ministry Official Here)

(Most likely Umbridge, because nobody liked her in the first place, and it's too bothersome to make up a new name)

For Hermione, she'll have three paths to choose from at this point.

One – She has been secretly in love with Malfoy the whole time despite implications to the contrary in canon, and she will rejoice in the match. The author will garner about 4 reviews for the entire story, all of her reviewers avid Twilight fans.

Two – She'll be angry for a total of 3.14159 seconds before coming to terms with it as the mature adult she is and overcomes 7 books' worth of hate by falling in love with Malfoy within two chapters. Then, Ron and Harry will either question the sudden, poorly characterized change of heart and decide they do not want to be friends with such a poorly written character, or they will be equally poorly characterized and celebrate her happiness and accept Malfoy (…to some degree).

Three – She will lead a furious campaign against the amendment and will stubbornly refuse to accept this forced marriage thrust upon her. She'll ultimately fail (or something) and marry Malfoy – and maybe fall in love in the epilogue.

She'll go with option three. Sort of.

Things don't go exactly according to plan.

Dear Ministry,

You are all nincompoops.

You do not have my regards,

Hermione Granger

(Naturally, she burns this letter. It would be completely OOC of her to write something so immature.)

She'll draw out a battle map and unleash the inner Slytherin within her by scheming to topple the Ministry.

These are the steps of petition:

First, she'll recruit Draco to defeat the Ministry's newest legislation, of course.. It makes sense. Not only does he have an infinite supply of money and he agrees with her cause, he'll represent the "other half" of the Wizarding world and call them to join her.

Or she'll try to recruit him.

"Malfoy."

"Granger. Received the notice, I see?"

"Unfortunately."

"Not taking it too well, then? Can't say I'm surprised."

"You don't honestly expect me to believe that you're rejoicing at the other end, do you?"

"It really depends on my post war characterization. See, if my family is ultimately ruined because of the war – yes, I'll be rejoicing at the chance to cling onto your name for positive recognition because I've got no pride. But the Malfoy line has survived 23.412 wars already and maintained power throughout, and there should be no exception here – so no, I'm furious."

"You don't sound furious."

"Readers like to read a witty!Draco, see. Not the whiny brat prone to temper tantrums they read about in the books."

"I completely empathize with them. I like my men witty. They can keep up with me and keep conversations interesting, and for all of Ron's clever remarks and quick humor, he's evidently an idiot and is neither clever nor quick enough for me."

"Maybe the Ministry does know what they're doing, then. Because I like my women witty."

"Do you hear yourself? The Ministry, knowing what they're doing?"

"You know what? You're absolutely right."

"Oh Merlin, did we just agree on something?"

"I think we did."

"I'm going to stay awake for a night or two, unable to sleep because my thoughts will be consumed by something as trivial as me agreeing with you – you know, when I've survived Quirrell and Voldemort and the Chamber of Secrets and whatnot."

"It's a milestone. Want to snog?"

"You're sick."

"I try."

Second, she'll use her excellent connections and pressure these connections with her war hero status, because she's so important. And if that fails to sway them, she'll use Draco's family name and his money. She will, naturally, encounter one or more of the following obstacles:

- A man still hyped up over her Muggleborn status, reminding her of everything Draco once was and force her to realize how much of a changed man Draco is, and she'll appreciate her partner more than ever after feeling embarrassed and guilty over her failure to see Draco's evolved character for so long.

- A man who refuses to listen to her because – he'll remark scathingly – she's a woman. Then Draco will come to her defense as her knight in shining armor, pointing out every remarkable thing Hermione's ever done, completely owning the prejudiced man – leaving Hermione in awe that Draco would defend her, let alone compliment her in the process, leaving her own view of Draco completely changed.

- A woman who refuses to listen to her because of some long, complicated history at Hogwarts that has bred jealousy in this woman, and she is eager to take down the Hermione Granger whenever she can. Draco again will ignore the fact that he's a bully himself and is somewhat sadistic in that he, too, likes to take people down (please see books one, two, three, four, five, six, and seven for references – the victims in question are namely Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, what with getting House Points deducted) and come to Hermione's rescue.

Or something like that.

"I don't think you realize who I am. I'm Hermione bloody Granger."

"Goodness," Draco drawled from the back. "And you call me egotistical, woman."

She shoots him a glare. "As I was saying, I would like to request an audience with the Wizengamot – "

"Sorry, sweet, no can do," the anonymous man in charge said cheekily, leering at her. "The only audience you can request is an audience with me – either here or the bedroom, I'm not picky."

"Sick." Hermione wrinkled her nose in disgust. "You make Malfoy look respectable, and he's a complete tosser, sleeping with witches left and right since his fourth year even though there's never even been a mention of his supposed attractiveness or his sex life in the canon."

"Though the many references to my pointy chin do suggest that," Draco inputted.

"And as I was saying," Hermione continued hotly, "I'm Hermione bloody Granger, and I demand for an audience with the Wizengamot. I'm the most righteous, hard-working, and ethical person in the Ministry, and I'd like to bribe you for that audience with Draco's money."

"Come again?" the man asked blankly.

"For Pete's sake!" Hermione cried aloud, frustrated. "You make Malfoy seem smart, even."

"I am brilliant," Draco protested, gravely insulted. "I would like to cite just about every fanfiction ever published, which report my intellectual capabilities. I was chosen Head Boy over Potter, you know, in a good many of them."

"That's because Harry wasn't even in Hogwarts his seventh year, according to canon," Hermione snapped. "And also citing those fanfictions, you're apparently part veela with superpowers that conveniently don't surface until leave Hogwarts. And besides, any intelligence you might appear to own exists solely in comparison to the two goons you used to associate yourself with – and considering the brainpower of Crabbe and Goyle, that's really not saying much."

"Merlin, you're so witty. For some reason, I have a sudden urge to snog you, because you look beautiful when you're all worked up. You know what? I have an idea. Forget self control. Let's snog."

"You're not snogging anybody until I get that audience."

Draco promptly turned toward the man behind the desk. "I want that audience. Now, you see two different situations before you: make me happy and get Galleons, or make me unhappy and get your balls hexed off with the dark magic my family invests in."

"Yes, sir," the man said breezily with a smile strained at the corners. "When would you like your meeting?"

Third, they'll fight up the ladder together and – holy crap – they find a plot hole in the new law, allowing them to successfully overturn the amendment. Which is really remarkable when you think about it, honestly – finding a plot hole, I mean.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Granger? Granger?"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Hermione! Are you okay? What's wrong? Where are – AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Malfoy, you just called me Hermione."

"No I didn't. Where are we?"

"It appears we fell into a plot hole. Now if we can get back out, we can report this plot hole and destroy the legislation forever!"

"Excellent. Now, how do we get out?"

"…I was kind of hoping you had an idea…"

Fourth, they'll journey home, glad that they don't have to see each other ever again and that they were successful. But about a month into their separation, they will come to one startling conclusion: they miss each other's company. Apparently they have grown to love one another over the course of overthrowing the evil law against all odds, and they get married.

Oh, the irony.

"Hermione, are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Ginny. Why do you ask?"

"Well, it's just that you seem to have lost your enthusiasm and your vigor ever since you won the case about the Marriage Amendment. Hey, I just noticed with my ridiculously in-tune observational skills which totally make up for my friend's obliviousness – isn't that the last time you met Malfoy?"

"Yeah, so?"

"I think you're in love with him."

"No I'm not! Don't be silly, Ginny – "

"Don't lie to me, Hermione. I can see right through you."

"What are you talking about?"

"You love him. Draco Malfoy. I came up with this ludicrous idea seconds ago, and now I'm certain it's true."

"Oh my God, faced with that logic, I have to admit you're right. I'm in love with Draco Malfoy."

"HA!"

"I'm in love with Draco Malfoy. Ginny, what am I supposed to do?"

"Go find him and snog him senseless."

"Where can I find him?"

"Chances are, he's probably over at a friend's house making the same epiphany right about now. So you just stay put, and he'll be here any second – "

Poof. "Granger."

"Malfoy."

"Let's snog."

"Okay."

"Sir, now that you have been removed from office for the unconstitutional law and I no longer have to worry about my job, I would like to say – I told you so."

The ex-Minister arched an eyebrow. "You told me so?" he asked the youth that was once his assistant. "Told me what?"

"That the law was doomed to fail," the assistant explained.

The older man let out a laugh. "Fail? Kid, it was damn successful. The goal of the amendment was to unite the Wizarding world. Now tell me," he inquired, amused, "what do you call the joining of forces to overthrow this amendment if not a union?"

The assistant searched for words to say. "Well – " he sputtered.

"I knew the plot holes when I had that law drafted," he continued, proud. "Do you honestly think that this fanfic author is that bad of a writer? It never would have held up for too long. It wasn't made to last – it was made so that both sides would have the same cause to fight for."

"But – "

The man clapped the younger wizard on the back. "Well, I'm off to my new position as Chief Warlock. See you around, kid."

With that he headed out the door, leaving the poor assistant behind, gaping.

"What a nice story. Worthy to tell our children someday, I wager."

"Hmm, yes. I forget, though. How did we ever get out of that plot hole?"

"…"

"…"

"...I honestly don't think we ever did."

"Oh God no…"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The End.

As Draco and Hermione try and work their way out of another plot hole, mind dropping a review?