Harry Potter and the Unexpected Plot Twist III: In which names CAN hurt you

Inspired by a part of Harry's New Home by kbinnz

Preface

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but names can never hurt you…unlike that one time they hurt Voldemort.

Chapter 1 (and only)

Harry Potter had always expected to die like this…well maybe not quite like this…y'know strapped to a gravestone and all that…but he had definitely expected to die at the hands of evil and right now he was in about the evilest hands you could find in the Wizarding World (even if they were newly resurrected…along with the body that went with the hands). Figuring he had nothing to lose Harry decided to make the most of his last few minutes on Earth and give into the urge to mock the…man shaped piece of flesh that just ten minutes before had looked like a scaly baby.

"So you're Lord Vol-au-vent?" he interrupted…fully aware that he had just (purposefully) mispronounced Voldemort's name.

The Death Eaters gathered around gasped at his insolence for both interrupting their Master and daring to speak his name.

"As, I'm sure you know Potter, my name is Voldemort. Though most people don't have the gall to call me that and they call me-"

"You-Know-Shoes. Do you really know shoes? Could you identify if they were Addidas over Nikes if they were torn to shreds? Honestly, that's powerful magic right there. What do you think of mine? he asked trying to show off the mud covered trainer on his foot. "Or was it You-Know-Poo? Or was that last part Loo? I think it was something to do with bathrooms."

"You-Know-WHO!" Voldemort growled out furious at the boy's mockery of the fear people had of the beautiful name he had chosen for himself.

"Who? You? You're Voltameter." Harry said, smirking to himself at the look on Voldemorts face, "Though personally I think you could have done better. I think you look like a Moldy Shorts."

"I. Am. LORD. VOLDEMORT!" he shouted losing his cool.

"Yeah Yeah. Lord Volumeter. I got it. Listen can we get this show on the road here there Ole' Lord Pot-au-Feu? You gonna kill me or not? Cause if not…I got a couple girls back at Hogwarts that are probably pretty worried and y'know they'd do anything for the Boy-Who-Escaped-Voldemullet-Again."

Voldemort could barely see straight at the latest mockery of his name and merely flicked his wand. Harry slid down the face of the gravestone and sat there for a moment when he suddenly found his wand being thrust into his hand.

"We will duel. And You will die." voldemort sneered.

"Tell me," Harry said to Lucius Malfoy before Voldemort could fire off a curse, "Is dead Lord Vol-au-vent a delicacy to Death Munchers?"

Outraged and insulted that the…boy would speak of him this way to his followers Voldemort sent an Avada Kedarva flying. Only he, in his mockery-induced rage, missed his mark by a good two feet. And of it had been two feet in any other direction things would have gone fine. But sadly the two feet he missed by caused the spell to hit the fire under the cauldron which caused sparks to fly out and hit Voldemort's robes. Technically they hit everyone else's robes too (including Harry's) but they all had charms to resist flames on them…Voldemort's did not. So first his robes and then his newly created body went up in flames and Voldemort ran around looking for all the world like one of the Nazguls that had been set on fire during the Fellowship of the Ring (though the movie would not come out for another 6 years but Harry would tell everyone that that is what Voldemort looked like when he was on fire).

Harry summoned Cedric's body and the Triwizard Cup to him and the last thing he heard before he was Portkeyed back to Hogwarts was Lucius Malfoy speak.

"Should have gotten the robes that were charmed to be flame resistant."