Sorry for any typos in this one. I didn't have much time to go over it. My schedule is crammed full as it is, and I'm writing this by moonlight. Figuratively.

If it's rushed, or if you didn't think it ended well, I'm sorry. Review one more time and tell me you real true honest opinion. I want to know what you thought. For real.

I haven't put up one disclaimer on this I think... OH well. I think you all are smart enough to know that if I owned BTR, Lomille would have happened already. And Carphanie :)

Time passed by slowly for the little group. But surely as Ren's heart was now fervently beating, hours turned into days, days into weeks. It was only three weeks later, as a matter of fact, that James walked into her hospital room for the first time. A sincere hope in his heart and a bright smile on his lips were all he carried with him, as well as a single red rose.

He walked cautiously, as if not quite trusting himself on his own two feet. Three weeks bedridden is a long time when you're as active as he had been, and he knew it would take him a while to get back to where he was before. But for now, he wasn't thinking much of himself. He was only thinking of her, and preparing himself to see something drastic.

He never did. He never saw anything worth crying over. All he saw was his baby girl, almost good as new, with nothing wrong except being extremely thin and pale, and having ever so slight constant trouble taking deep breaths. Of course, just because he didn't cry, didn't mean he didn't feel guilty.

"Hey," he said gently. She was sitting up in bed, reading a book Logan had bought her a while back. Her whole face lit up when she realized who was visiting.

He stood there in the doorway, holding the rose awkwardly.

"I got this. For- for you." He laid it in her hand.

She looked at it for a moment. Then her fingers closed tightly around it, and she smiled at him.

He grinned back a little. Then he shuffled his feet, and desperately tried to not look at her face.

After a little while, she spoke up, with a tone of gentleness and understanding. "James, come here."

He walked over to her obediently.

"James, I have a question for you."

"Sure. Anything."

"Do you love me?"

He was surprised, no doubt about that. "Of course I do, what a stupid thing to ask."

"And yet, you still insist on blaming yourself for all of this."

He sighed. He never would be very subtle at hiding his feelings. Not like she was. "Who else is there to blame?"

"James...You want me to get better, right?"

"Yes."

"Then stop feeling the way you do. Go back to being my James, the old James that I fell for. I'll get better twice as fast."

He looked at her skeptically.

"Guaranteed. Take it or leave it."

He smiled. Bargaining. Now this was his Ren.

He sat down on the bed beside her. "Has it been awful? Having all these people take care of you? I mean, you're usually so self-sustaining."

"Oh yes. It's been horrible. Not that I could even feed myself in the beginning."

James looked away. He could tell that she was trying to say the right things, but that hadn't been it.

"Why haven't you kissed me yet?" she asked quickly, trying to avert any more tearshed.

He looked back at her. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, isn't that a customary greeting between boyfriend and girlfriend? They kiss."

James smiled again. " Do you want me to kiss you, Serenity?"

"Very much, yes."

He pressed his lips to hers softly, and smiled into her. He was so glad to have her well again. Or, at least well enough for him to kiss her.

"Can you get me pudding?" she asked, twiddling with his shirt buttons and looking up into his hazel eyes with her golden ones imploringly.

"Yes, I'll get you pudding. I'll be the good boyfriend."

"How lucky am I?"

He walked out the door quickly, and came back with a pudding and a Reeses cup. He opened the snack cup for her, and then proceeded to crumble the candy into it. Everyone else had forgotten she liked it like this. But not James.

He set it down on her lap along with a little purple plastic spoon. She just stared at it.

"What's wrong? Do you not like Reeses in it anymore?"

"No-one's ever remembered I like it this way..." James saw a tear splash onto the spoon.

"What's the matter?" he asked. He was beginning to get up and get the nurse, thinking something must be seriously wrong. She rarely cried like this. Silent tears, and lots of them.

She raised her head to look at him. He saw bewilderment and complete joy in her eyes. It looked weird, because you didn't often find those two expressions mingling on a single human face, accompanied by tears, no less.

"How did I find you?' she whispered. "I never got anything I wanted! Rachel always got everything! The spot at the dance studio, the Hollywood dream, even the bike! The bike..." A few more tears splashed off the tip of her nose.

James didn't understand. So he just sat there, revoking his right to "good" boyfriend.

"Have I... done, something?"

She wiped her eyes and the odd expression off of her face. Her features sank back into their familiar grooves, worn down by too many laughs and sarcastic smiles.

"I'm sorry. It's these stupid pills. Mood swings is one of the side effects."

"Tell me what's bothering you. Because I know something is."

"Nothing's bothering me really. I'm just... well, I've been thinking, is all."

He scooted a little, til he was lying beside her. "Thinking about what?"

"Just you. And me, and all you've done for me."

James snorted. "What have I done for you? You're the one who dragged me out of my Camille heartache and completely lit up my life again."

She smiled at him. "Have I?"

"Oh yeah. You're the only reason I got better so quick. I wanted to see you so bad, I forced myself to be."

She snuggled into him a little more.

"What have I done for you?" she asked.

He thought for a moment. "You taught me to play guitar," he finally said.

"No, Kendall did that."

"Well, then you taught me to love guitar." He was quiet for a minute. "You taught me to love again."

"That's nothing..."

"Sure it is! Are you sure those pills don't mess with your mental capabilities too?"

She was very still for a moment. "You saved my life," she finally said softly.

James didn't have anything to say to this.

"I would have died if you hadn't kept looking."

"Don't say that. Just..." He shivered. "Don't."

He could feel her looking at him. He could feel that penetrating stare that he dreaded, yet craved. Minutes passed by, and the room was silent, save the sounds of a busy hospital getting ready for sleep, fading into the background gently, like very deep untroubled breathing.

"Thank you James."

He jumped out of his sleepy frame of mind. Then he rubbed his eyes, and looked at her. "Thank me? For what?"

"For being the one thing I wanted that I finally got." She kissed him again, longer this time, and into that one kiss she put all the emotions that she had been longing to share with him, that would take much too long to explain. And he felt them. And neither of them could have been more content in those moments. Right then and now.

The rest of the remaining two weeks passed slowly for them, both occupied solely with each other, looking forward to the same thing. Her release date.

Two weeks later...

"Alright, Miss Dipillo," said the nurse, making sure she had everything with her in her bag. "You're set to go."

"Thank you," I said happily. "Tell Celia bye for me?"

"I will," the nurse smiled. "She'll be sad to see you go. It's usually like that between primary nurse and charge."

I smiled back, then turned to see my posse, my people. Logan and Camille, Carlos, Stephanie, Kendall, and Jo who had finally come back from North Carolina, and who hadn't been three feet from Kendall since. Katie and Rachel and Dad were there. No kudos to Mom on this one.

I smiled at them all, and only gingerly took a deep breath before walking over to join them all.

James had been with me all morning, holding my hand and helping me pack and making sure I double checked every little thing. Now he just walked beside me silently, ready to stay close to me while I passed around hugs and kisses and 'Omigosh, I can't BELIEVE I missed that!'s. And they all gave me the love and well wishes and goodwill of a real family, the kind you know loves you.

There was some crying. Stephanie and Camille were practically bawling as they ran up to me and hugged me til I almost exploded, for goodness sakes. They seemed to have forgotten I didn't actually die. Their boyfriends looked on jovially, and patiently waited for their turn to give me a pat on the back, while I have them lots of cheek kisses. Katie smiled at me, and Jo looked at Kendall pointedly. He just squeezed her shoulder, and gave her a peck on the cheek, assuring her that she was the only one for him. That made me smile.

Rachel didn't say anything, but kept her arm around me all the way to the cars that were parked out front. James went with me and Logan and Camille in the Big Time Rush-mobile, while the others piled into their designated vehicles.

Sitting there with everyone, things seemed alright again. The top down, radio cranked up loud, smiles and laughing and the things that make up good times soaking the vehicle like sunshine. We all screamed when Someday blasted out at us from the speakers, and caused many a horn honking when Logan drifted in and out of the heavy traffic like he owned the freeway. Even when a cop stopped us finally, and we saw all the smug faces of the people who weren't bold enough to do the same as we had been doing, it didn't dampen the feeling of all around glee. Especially since he let us off with a warning and no ticket, asking for only an autograph or two. It turned out to be five. We drove on promising if we ever saw him again, he would get all the free concert tickets he wanted, and backstage passes to boot.

That night was spent in 2J, watching horror flicks and munching on Doritos and m&m's. James and Carlos screamed at all the scary parts, while me and Stephanie laughed maniacally and high-fived. Camille fell asleep rather quickly, as if to remind us that these movies were SO boring and completely not worth the time of day. Logan spent the remainder of the night trying not to pee his pants and stroking her hair with a rather shaking hand. Jo and Kendall had disappeared into the guys room, where they had said they were going to talk. We all laughed when they had finally left the room, knowing there would be less talking than anything else.

By the time we turned on the Amnityville Horror, everyone had fallen asleep or had gone home. There was just Camille, me, and Logan, with James having opted for a quick shower.

"I think we should turn it up."

"It'll wake her up."

"Why else would I have done it?"

Logan chuckled.

I stretched out a little bit more, liking the feeling of being able to be unrestricted by a hospital bed.

"Have you taken your pills? You're supposed to be careful about that, you know..."

"Logan, I don't care if you WANT to be a doctor, you're not one yet. I'll take em, don't worry. You'll pee yourself again."

"I didn't!"

"Sure. Then what's that?"

"What?" He looked down frantically.

I yawned and shut my eyes. I could feel sleep descending on me with it's heavy blanket of peace. "Gotcha."

I wasn't looking at his face, so I didn't see the quarter relieved, quarter amused, half irked look he threw at me.

"Well, looks like it's all over? All that pneumonia business?"

I looked at him quickly. "Why is that a question?"

He sighed. "How have you REALLY been feeling? And I don't mean that crap you've been feeding to your dad and James."

I looked away as quickly as I had before. How was I feeling? I felt sick. No amount of m&m's and horror flicks could change that. I couldn't go on pretending that I was OK when I wasn't.

I took a cautious breath. Too bad he noticed.

"It's really hard?"

I let it out regretfully. "Yeah, it is."

James chose just then to walk out in a pair of sport shorts and a gray muscle tee. His hair was still wet. My heart beat got just a little bit faster.

The moment he saw the solemn expressions on Logan and I, he stopped in his tracks. "What's wrong? Are you OK?" he asked me with a panicked expression.

"I'm fine. Keep your shirt on."

On second thought...

"What's the problem?" he asked Logan. Curse this selfless disposition.

"She's having trouble breathing."

James looked at me. I really wanted out.

"Logan, I'm fine. Just..." I looked around, seeking a distraction for which to divert their attention. "Oh my gosh, look at all that blood!" I yelled, pointing to the TV screen.

Instinctively, they both looked at the television.

This gave me a moment to slip out quietly, out the door, wanting nothing more than to escape reality.

He caught up with me when I was halfway to the elevator.

"Not again," he said, as he pulled me back to him.

I couldn't do anything but suppress sobs. "I'm sick."

"I know, and I'm sorry, so sorry. I never meant to hurt you."

I hiccuped. "I'm sick forever. Who loves a sick person anyway?"

"I do," James said firmly. "You just need some sleep. You'll feel better after you do."

"Not if I wake up in the middle of the night and I can't breathe, just can't breathe. I can't let it happen..."

I hadn't told anyone I was terrified of waking up and not being able to breathe, that I would suffocate in pure, unobstructed air.

"I'll be with you, the whole time. I promise."

My breaths came shallowly now. I could feel them being spread out farther and farther. He didn't say anything. Just stood there and held me.

I felt the last one leave my lips. I could feel myself fall, could hear his tears.

I was dying, I knew it. He couldn't save me.

The last thing I saw was his hazel eyes, looking into mine, as if to say thank you. They were wet, and I could feel the ocean lapping against my ankles as my eyes closed.

And then...

I awoke in a cold sweat. I couldn't see anything in the dim light of the bedroom. I lay awake there for what seemed like hours, shaking and trying to dispel the feeling of despair I felt whenever I had this dream, whenever it crept up on me in the middle of the night, usually the nights when I knew James wouldn't be here.

I raised myself slowly out of bed. There was no noise in the apartment. But I knew where I could go.

I had only to walk twenty steps, and I was by her cradle. It was stationary, and the occupant was having one of her rare restful nights. I lifted her out anyway, and held her tiny body to mine. I could feel her little heart beating, and all my sadness left me. I sang to her softly, rocking with her back and forth, as much for her comfort as for mine. My ring, the one slipped on only almost a year ago, glistened in the moonlight flooding through the curtains of the nursery.

Once I had had my fill of the soothing innocence that was my baby, I walked to the answering machine. I had a few messages saved on there that I listened to precisely when I was feeling this way.

I played the first one.

"Hey, James, it's me Kendall. Just wanted to know if we would be seeing you at the wedding and the reception and all, because Jo is going crazy and I can't completely blame her, considering as you haven't even gotten back to us yet. I know you're busy with the book and all, but I really need to have you there. The best man is like the most important part of the wedding..." A deep sigh came out. "I gotta go, but let me know, soon, or she's gonna combust. Give my best to your girls." Click. I smiled. That was a good one.

I pressed the button again.

"Ren! You are not gonna believe what happened! Not a proper greeting, yes, but oh my gosh, guess what?" Logan's voice could be heard in the background. "Be quiet, I'm on the phone! She does too care! Now, Ren listen to this. I got... a PART! Yup, you bet! In a REAL movie! One with REAL actors! I think it's got... well, I don't really know who it's got yet, but who cares! I got a part! Call me as soon as you can! Oh and ask James if he could help me with writing my sample script I'm supposed to practice on, would you? Thanks, doll! Love and hugs!" A faint half click, followed by severe celebration whoops before the phone clicked all the way.

"Hey Ren. I know that it's short notice but I wanted to know if I could have your advice on something. It's important. Call me back." Rachel hung up, and I couldn't exactly say why I saved it. Maybe cause it's the last message she left me before she disappeared off the face of the earth. Off my radar, and nearly out of my memory. Maybe cause I loved her way more than I ever thought, and a few words were enough to make me cry for days at a time.

I wiped my eyes, then hastily turned on the next message.

"I know that it's late," mom's voice said. "but I have some pretty bad news. Your father had..." a few sniffles. "He had a heart attack. He didn't make it. It was pretty bad." Silence for a moment. "I'm sorry. For everything. I can't believe it happened the way it did. Please call me back. You're all I have left, and I know I don't deserve it, but I really want to be able to get to know you again. I want to get to know my granddaughter. Don't reject me, Ren. Know I loved you all along." A faint sobbing sound ended the shocking call, one which had been the object of a new and budding relationship between mother and daughter.

Memories, bittersweet yet unforgettable, were drowned out by the next message which made me feel extremely lucky.

"Hey babe. Just checkin' in from good ole MN. Everything's good, you know Steph misses you, and she really wants to show you her new dog, Stella or something like that. She'll probably send you a picture on your phone soon. Carlos is just waiting to pop that question now, I guess. He's got the ring and everything, but he says he's afraid. Psh, what for? I don't get it... But anyway, I just wanted to call and check in and see how Katie is doing with helping Jo with all the wedding stuff, because you KNOW that's gotta be fun. Geez, how did we end up married first?" I could hear the laughter in his voice. "Anyway, I wanted to hear you and Anna's voices, but I guess your still in bed. So I'll call again later. I love you, darlin'. Bye." He hung up and I was sorely tempted to replay the message that had come just this morning. He would be gone for another two days, and I was still missing him.

I couldn't stop grinning now. Funny how nights like these could be shaken off by a few words from family.

Just then, the phone rang. I jumped. Then I peered at the caller ID. It was Logan. I picked it up.

"What are you calling me for? It's 12:01 in the god forsaken morning!"

"Happy 20th."

I remembered, then I smiled.

"Thanks doc. To me and Rach."

There was silence. I knew they all thought she was celebrating her birthday in heaven this year, but I knew she wasn't. Sisters know these things.

"Yeah," he replied doubtfully. "How's Anna?"

"Fine. Sleeping. You should be too."

"I know. I just couldn't sleep tonight, I guess."

"Me neither. Whatcha doing?"

"Watching Camille sleep."

"Creeper."

"I'm her boyfriend! I'm allowed."

I chuckled.

"So what are YOU doing? Gazing at James' portfolio pictures?" he asked mockingly.

"NO!"

Now it was his turn to laugh.

"I just was..." Not wishing to tell him about the messages, I looked around the counter and saw the thing I had been holding not two seconds ago. I had put it down when I picked up the phone. But now my eyes couldn't help but to light on it.

I picked up the little purple plastic spoon, Anna's little kiddy spoon, and gazed at it abstractedly. Flooding into my mind were memories, about everything that seemed to be related to that little utensile. Salt-water, and rain that wouldn't stop. Feeling so cold, yet burning up. A soft kiss on my lips, long awaited but so frozen. Just cold, and darkness and flashing lights and a red rose. It all filled my mind, and I couldn't think, couldn't feel anything for a few moments. There was fear, so much of it, I choked on the taste, harsh and strong on my tongue.

"Ren?"

I was torn out of my depressed reverie. The memories fled as quickly as they had come.

"Something wrong?"

"No..."

He was quiet.

"Do you remember when I..." I stopped. I didn't think myself capable of going on.

"When you what?"

I looked at the spoon. Then I tossed it in the trash.

"Nothing. Nevermind."

"Oh, OK..."

"What do you think about a reunion?" I asked suddenly.

He sounded surprised when he spoke next. "A reunion? Like what kind?"

"A reunion of our group. You, me, Camille, James, Carlos, Steph, Jo, Kendall, Katie. We should all spend a weekend together again. Like the good old days."

"Where would we have it?"

I thought for a moment. "At the Palm Woods."

"Really? You'd want to go back there?"

"It wasn't that long ago, Logan."

"I know! I'm just..."

I stayed quiet.

"I think it's a great idea. I'm in." He sounded happy.

I smiled. "Thanks for coming through for me again, love."

You're welcome, his laugh told me.

"Good night, Logan."

"Night, Ren."

FIN

Thanks to all who read and reviewed, especially those of you who reviewed every chapter. Most notably, and I'm just rattling them off here, Difficult-notImpossible, claudinha sampaio, smileybubbles08, SterlingStarStuck, WHMSCheerioBrittany, and Half-BreedLover418. I know there were more who reviewed, and I thank you. I thank you all. So much.

This story was really not my kind of thing, and I hope I could do justice to what I was imagining it to be.

To all who favorited, I love you. No, really I do.

And heck, if you're reading this right now, I love you too.

Farewell, to you, Serenity. It's been a great ride.

I'm being overly dramatic. It's more fun than I would've thought.

One final xoxoxoxoxoxo

~Starbucks