Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket, Natsuki Takaya does. If I did, well, be scared…
Ages: Hatori: 18 years old, Shigure: 18 years old, Ayame: 18 years old, Kureno: 17 years old, Ritsu: 12 years old, Akito: 10 years old, Kagura: 9 years old, Rin: 8 years old, Yuki: 7 years old, Kyo: 7 years old, Momiji: 6 years old, Hatsuharu: 6 years old, Kisa: 3 years old, Hiro: 2 years old
Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Baskets [Ntsuki Takaya], UPS [Some buisness Guy], or Ice Cream Paint Job [Dorrough]
Yuki's Point of View
After spending the last fortnight within the realm of a forest, civilization seem becomes an unusual wonder. Tall assortments of people pass busily, pushing past you with the unacceptable arrogance of humanity. However, at this point in time my attention is focused upon a more dominating priority - Momiji and Hatsuharu are in the mail to Tibet. Not only is it an alarming thought that your cousins - cursed cousins, at that - are in the mail, but to Tibet a place currently under the abusive control of China. Also, they are not dressed warmly enough. I believe scarves and mittens seem rather crucial at this point in time, but alas, they might not even wear underwear - lets take into consideration Hatsuharu and Momiji's personalities. And what to the evidence of nuclear testing? What if they alarm a monk and are sent to America where surely, those Western idiots will install an addiction to fast food restaurants - McDonald's - within their brains? What if they are sent to Cuba and taken as prisoners to gnaw on toliet bowl lids? Or to Russia where they freeze in only the forlorn, lonely presence of a yak? Or that place above America, whose name no one can remember? What if they learn to drive in Italy and stay as stupid as they are? What if they join the British spy force that everyone knows about because no one knows about it? Or worse; Spain where they become addicted to tomatoes, which resemble the coloring of that moronic cats hair , and I develop the obnoxious urge to murder they're untainted souls upon seeing there dreaded faces each minute of my life because they must snack upon those ridiculous fruits?
Though, it seems we have arrived at our destination - UPS - and I must end these foul worries else I become like our beloved emo, Hatori. How alarmingly it is decorated. Oh, and 777; is that not the number of heaven? However, it is time to face fate and enter this dreaded building. And so it seems, as Hatori pushed open the glass door. A bell jingled like gun shots on glass, dogs barked like the sounding of Hades and wind rushed passed like a forgotten ghosts whispered murder. We stood frozen before hesitantly following our guardian into this smokey hell. And smokey it was... A happy smokiness of burning plants... Hee-hee!
Kagura's Point of View
"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! THIS IS ALMOST AS UBER DELICIOUS AS MY KYO-KYO! It's is beautiful, marvelous, fit for all piggy's to indulge in. Pinks everywhere: blush, carnation, cotton candy, fuchsia, magenta, hot magenta, mauvelous, melon, mulberry, lavender, orchid, flamingo, razzle dazzle rose, pink pizazz, scarlet, shocking pink, tickle me pink, strawberry, tulip, rose quartz, ruby, mystic pearl, rose pearl, Sasquatch socks, princess perfume, winter sky, frostbite, shimmering, glittering PINK! And all on these painted PIGGY BANKS! KYAAAAAAA!" Tears of joy overwhelmed me and all I could do was cling to these ceramic gods. This must be like that orgasm-sex-thing Shigure and Ayame were always talking about~!
Yes, so it seemed, the inside of this particular UPS was filled with assorted pink piggybacks - all full of weed. However, the fact remains that stacked against the walls so no actual cement was visible were piggy banks.
"Ahem, Excuse me...?" Ha'ri cleared his throat.
"Kyllä, haluan ostaa hattu!" What? Hatori and Shigure sent confused looks between each other when Ayame seemed to realize something.
"Where's Akito?"
Akito's Point of View
"! TAKE THAT YOU RETCHED BEING'S - I AM YOUR GOD AND YOU DO WHAT I SAY OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!"
WHAM!
BEEP-BEEP!
"BWAHAHAHAHAHA!" Yes, it is true, bow down to me for I, Akito Sohma, have won a great feat today! I have STOLEN a ICE CREAM TRUCK! Of course your wondering how and since I am God, and the bible is really outdated I will begin a sequel for you!
*Flashback/Akito's New Bible* [No offense intended toward religion]
It began with that wretched music that made all children so happy. The way there fat little faces would light up like the sunshine caused my gag-reflexes to have a seizure. Those bitchy little wanna-Be's backing up our sewers, there idiotic chatter filling the contaminated air with those sweet little smiles I just want to tear from there faces. Peeling strips of flesh from the limbs and feeding them to the waiting dogs of hell and then smashing there skulls in with the skull of a yeti.
So that stupid little tune filled that air and the overwhelming urge to become an assassin for Antarctica overcame my mind. Oh, well it was a routine emotion in any persons life was it not? With the intention of scalping to helpless idiots and then hanging them scalps in Yuki's bedroom I robbed a store of all there cabbage and ran down the street at speeds only God could reach! Congratulations me!
"ARHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I let out my awesome war cry and stole a bike. Then proceeded to bike towards those worthless scum called children. I bowled through them and watched as their weak bodies flew through the putrid air and into a duck infested pool of fish infected water. Maybe Hatori will get eaten by duck babies tomorrow! Since I am God this will happen - because I SAY SO!
Now that all those children were satisfyingly lying on the ground in pools of their own blood I decided it was time to take care of the weirdo serving that ridiculous ice cream!
"HEY FREAK!"
"L-look all I wanted w-was enough money to b-buy an E-Edward C-Cullen barbie doll! You can have all the Justin Bieber ice creams you want! TAKE THEM! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
WHAM!
I shoved a cabbage down his throat and into his eye sockets, threw him out the ice cream truck window thing, stole his keys, and grabbed the wheel! Fuck yeah!
*End Part One Of Akito's New Bible*
"I say...
"yeah buddy
"rolling like a bigshot!" Yeah bitch, I'm Akito Sohma, I stole and ice cream truck and know all the words to Ice Cream Paint Job (Dorrough)!
"Chevy turned up like a Nascar pit stop!"
WHAM!
BEEP!
CRASH!
BEEP-BEEP!
BAM!
Score - Hit twelve cars, injure those useless beings, cause five fist fights, make some guy with a pony walk into a pole and terrorize a pregnant women.
"Fresh paint job
"Fresh inside!"
KABAM!
I Bust through the glass doors of a public library sending glass shards deep into the heads of lethargic old people! Jumping out of the car like the spider God I am and onto the tops of library book shelves I bellowed the cries of Akito:
"BE ALARMED YOU FOUL, WORTHLESS SCUM LIVING ON THE BOTTOM OF MY SHOES! I AM AKITO - FEAR ME! MWUAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! HOW DARE YOU ENTER MY WORLD, YOU DELUSIONAL FREAKS OF NATURE! HOW DARE YOUR CHILDREN SEE SUNSHINE - LOCK THEM IN CLOSETS UNTIL THEY BECOME THE DEPRESSED SHIT THEY ARE! KILL YOURSELVES, VILE BEINGS WITH NO REASON TO BE HERE, PURIFYING MY WORLD! I AM GOD - I DAMN YOU ALL AND DIE! FREAK DIE! STUPID BITCH - ANNOYING LIARS WHO DESERVE DEATH LIKE BLADES RUNNING THROUGH THE FLESH AND FIRE BURNING EVERY INCH OF YOU-"
"Excuse me ma'am, but put your hands up - your under arrest!"
Author's Note: Hey I am BACK! Sorry it's been so long - Five months *cough* - but I'll try to start updating again. Reviews are good motivation! Anyway I hope that was funny, I've token a break from humor for a while so I'm still getting back in the swing~ Anyone who catches the Johnny the Homicidal Maniac references gets to be a prisoner in the next chapter! Yeah... What a stupid prize... Any-who don't take offense to anything in here its a joke - sorry if you do!