I'm aware that there are A LOT of scary Twilight fangirls out there who would love to rip off my face for writing this.

And you know, I don't really care. I'll retaliate with wicked sarcasm and all that other nice revenge-like stuff before you manage to kill me. When, and if, you manage to off me, I'll just come back from the dead and haunt your asses. You'll be eating a bowl of cereal one morning, and all of a sudden, my ghostly head will appear amongst your cornflakes. From there, I'll follow you around telling you things like how fat you are until you decide your life isn't worth it and kill yourself. So yeah, bugger off if you don't like it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note or Twilight or the Grinch quote I stuck in there. They belong to their respective authors and mangakas...and poets. So yeah. God only knows what twisted love quadrilaterals that would form if I did own them.

"Hey, Light, what's this?" Ryuk held up a book. The cover was black. A pair of pale hands, their nearly white skin contrasting with the background, held a vibrant red apple.

"Twilight," Light spat, a scowl forming on his face.

"Ah...What's it about? The cover looks kinda interesting...Maybe I'll read it."

Ryuk's inner monologue was something like this: Apples apples apples! It has an apple on it! Apples! Yum! APPLES!

"NO!" Light's reaction was instant, "You're not allowed to even touch the book ever again. Ever. Now put it down."

What? But...but...it's APPLES!

"What! But why?"

"Because, that book is all girls talk about these days. It's disgusting," He made a face at the offending piece of toilet paper...erm...book, "I would have gone Death Note on the character's asses by now if they weren't fictional."

And the funny thing was, he was completely serious. He was thinking about how to kill them all as seriously as he did with L.

Ryuk zoned out as he ranted for the next half hour or so.

When he zoned back in, Light was saying: "I mean, who's this damn Edward! He's too perfect! And shiny? Come on!"

"Wow, Light, you really hate the book that much?"

"YES! I should go kill the damn author right now!"

Then he got an idea! A wonderful idea! An awful idea! THE SHINIGAMI GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know what to do!" Ryuk laughed in his throat.

"And what would that be?" Light snarled, his face twisting into an evil snarl.

Ryuk smiled evilly right back, "Weeeeelll, you know I'm a shinigami, right?"

Light looked at Ryuk like he was stupid. He did that a lot. Ryuk ignored this and continued.

"Did it ever occur to you that I can do more than what has to do with the Death Note?"

Light looked offended, "Of course it has!"

"Do you wanna kill all those characters?"

"Hell yes!"

"Hyuk hyuk hyuk. Good. Just remember that I'm only doing this for my own entertainment."

"Wha-" But he never finished his sentence, because everything went black.

When Light woke up, he was in a hospital bed. He shrieked a totally un-Kira-like shriek and bolted upright.

"Ah, you're awake. That's good. You've been out for quite some time now."

That voice. He knew that voice.

It was...it was...GODDAMN IT IT WAS CARLISLE! He knew it from the many many times Sayu had watched the movie (291, to be exact.).

Of course, since he is Kira, he didn't let his hatred even so much as effect his breathing pattern. That's why Carlisle didn't notice anything off kilter.

"Um...who're you? And where am I?" It was the sort of question anyone would expect to from someone in his position. Somehow, Ryuk must have put him into a universe where the Twilight characters were real. That was the only explanation that made good sense.

This was his chance. He could kill off those infernal sparkly twats and, when he got back to his own universe, he would kill the author.

"I was hoping you would be able to answer that. My son found you passed out on our front porch."

"Really?"

"Yes. Any chance you know how you got there?"

Well...there wasn't any way he would tell him about Ryuk or the Death Note or anything.

The Death Note. Crap. Did it even come here with him?

"Just a friend pulling a prank. Ryuzaki does stupid things like this all the time. Hey, did I have a notebook on me by any chance?" That's right. Blame it on L, thought Light smugly.

"Actually, yes. I didn't let anyone read it, though. I'm all for respecting my patient's privacy."

And for that, Light was thankful. He had no idea how he would explain all the names and causes of deaths written in there.

"Do you have it with you?"

Carlisle pointed wordlessly to the table next to the bed.

"Oh. Thanks."

"No problem."

"Can I trouble you for a pen?" Light smiled genially. This was too easy.

"Of course," The vampire pulled a pen out of his breast pocket and handed it over.

"I-" Carlisle's pager started beeping.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I have to go. I'll be back to check on you later."

He was out the door before Light could blink.

What an idiot.

Light got writing as soon as the door clicked shut.

Carlisle Cullen

The Volturi decide they are annoyed with his way of life and send out a vampire army out to kill him within 3 days.

He wasn't stupid. He knew the plot. Nothing could kill these things except another vampire.

Hastily, he wrote the same fate for every other Cullen and that annoying Bella chick.

Then, just because he was evil like that, he wrote down the names of all the werewolves and anyone else he could remember, which was a lot. He was a genius, after all. His memory was photographic.

Mike Newton died of a can falling on his head when he was stocking shelves. The impact was just strong enough to crack his skull open.

Jessica's nail polish remover caught on fire. She was trapped in her room and suffocated to death.

Jacob ate a bad hot dog. Werewolves, apparently, weren't as immune as everyone thought.

In a sick twist of chance, Tyler got run over by a van.

And now, since he'd written everyone's names down, all that was left to do was wait.

He wouldn't be able to go near that Edward guy, and staying away from Jasper would be smart, too.

But what about Alice? The little bitch would be able to see the Volturi coming and she'd probably know that he had something to do with it.

That's where the issues started popping up.

They probably already knew.

Light knew that Ryuk wouldn't even think of saving his ass.

He was stuck here, "Damn, Ryuk, you're gonna get me killed..."

"Hyuk Hyuk Hyuk. You're so funny Light."

Light's head snapped in the direction of the voice. Speak of the devil. There was Ryuk, floating in the doorway.

"You really think I'd stay behind and miss the show?"

"Now that I think about it, no."

"Exactly. And you really think that I'd let my favorite form of entertainment just get killed? You're stupider than you think."

Light bristled at the insult, but didn't call Ryuk on it. He could tell that he was about to get information and that, if interrupted, Ryuk might stop midway into his explanation. "What do you plan on doing?"

"Just watch."

Light watched, but nothing happened.

"Why aren't you doing anything?"

"Hyuk Hyuk. I already did. Look down."

Light looked down. He was transparent. The blanket that had covered him up until a few moments ago had slipped through his form.

Light held up a hand. He could see through it.

"Can other people see me?"

"Nope."

"Okay."

The room lapsed into complete silence, except for Light's occasional evil muttering.

"...So...what are you gonna do now, Light?" Ryuk was bored already.

"We're going to wait at the Cullen's house."

"Right."

And so, they set off to do that. Or at least, Light did, because we all know Ryuk is too damn lazy to do anything but sit and watch.

They almost didn't make it. By the time the elusive Cullen residence had been located, the Volturi squad had just arrived.

Light stood only a few feet away from the conversation, totally unnoticed.

"We are messengers of our lords Aro, Caius, and Marcus. We have come to rid the world of you."

The Cullen's immediately took on defensive stances. Judging by their reactions, this came as a surprise to them.

"What? Why?" Bella asked frantically, in her typical dumb brunette way.

"To be frank," a male vampire with golden spun hair answered, "They have grown tired you and your ways."

"That's a horrible reason!" she shot back. Earth to Bella, Light thought, They're vampires. They don't need a good reason.

But the opposing group didn't listen. Not like anyone expected them to in the first place. Instead, the leader, a female with caramel colored hair, said, "Go."

And go they did.

With a snarl, all twelve of the Volturi vampires launched themselves at the Cullens.

Bella, being the least experienced of the present vampires, couldn't even react as a rather hairy individual (for a vampire, that is) ripped her head off and proceeded to do the same to her various limbs.

When Edward saw this, he dove after Hairy Man in a rage, but just before he could rip his throat out, three other vampires grabbed him from behind, leaving his teeth clicking uselessly a mere centimeter away from their target. It was Edward's turn to be dismembered.

Alice and Jasper met a similar fate.

The whole time, Light watched with an amused expression on his face.

Ryuk looked at the carnage and back at Light and laughed. Humans sure were interesting.

Mwahaha. I feel much better after writing that. Light seems a bit out of character to me. I'm sorry if he seems that way to anyone else. T.T