He woke up late at night. The lights were dimmed in the infirmary as patients tried to get some sleep. John could faintly make out Dr. Biro's slim form quietly doing her rounds.

Keller had wrapped his leg up pretty darn good, he had to admit. It was tight enough to be firm, but not painful and for that he was grateful. Rubbing his shin, he felt the soft hum of Atlantis, the soothing sensation it brought to his mind.

And that sensation was immediately ruined by an intrusive Rodney McKay. A loud crash was heard a few curtains over, immediately followed by said doctor profusely apologizing. "Sorry," he overheard as he could make out the sounds of someone picking up a knocked over bed tray, "Looking for Colonel Sheppard." Followed by the sound of someone getting hit the face. "Ow!" a faceless voice cried. "Didn't mean to do that," Rodney said.

"Sheppard!" he called, the voice loud enough to wake the dead. He sobered a bit at his poor choice of words, sitting in the infirmary and all. Rodney clearly didn't know that Keller had moved him to a different bed, so here he was trying for all the world to locate him. "Sheppard!"

"Rodney, I'm over here!" he responded, incensed. "And be quiet!"

The curtain swayed open and John wondered how the hell McKay had made it all the way to his bed without Dr. Biro or the nurses kicking him out. He quirked his eyebrow, mildly impressed at McKay's level of sneakitude.

Rodney answered his unspoken question. "Life signs detector makes it easier to figure out their rounds," he said. "Too bad it couldn't pinpoint you though, Mr. I'll Just Swap Beds for the Hell of It."

John retorted with mock guilt, "I'm so sorry for not being where you need me to be, Dr. McKay! I promise, I'll try really, really hard to stay in one bed next time!"

"Yeah, well…" Rodney fiddled with the detector, "You better." He pulled something out of his pocket. "Here, thought you might enjoy this," he said, and promptly handed John a small, circular device.

He stared back at it. "Is this what I think it is?"

"You know perfectly well what it is."

"Thanks Rodney, I'm sure I'll put it to good use."

"Yeah, yeah…I'm a great friend, I know." His eyes never left the screen. "Okay, now that I've smuggled that in here, I've got to go. Dr. Biro is back at the nurse's station and they haven't found Nurse Henderson locked in the broom closet yet," he whispered, quickly departing the cramped area.

John's eyes widened. "Wait, what?"

"Hey, she had it coming after the pudding incident!" he cried, and fled the tiny room.

Chuckling, John's attention returned to the small object in his hand. It glowed with satisfaction. Setting it on his bed tray, he picked up his journal and pen. With a fraction of light coming from Rodney's latest gift, there was enough of it that he could write legibly and make out what he was saying.

He thought about the small glowing egg and decided to start his next story there:

The Tale of Rodney McKay and the Not-Lemon

"Rodney, should you really be touching that?" Teyla inquired, standing at what she presumed was a safe distance away should something immediately explode upon contact. They were currently in the west side of Atlantis, searching through empty room after empty room. They had two weeks off due to Atlantis' currently malfunctioning Stargate, which Rodney said would take at least thirteen days to correct and test to be sure it was working properly again…something about power fluctuations coming from the ZPM.

She spared a glance across the room and noticed that Ronon had heeded her unspoken warning, taking stock of his careful distance from Colonel Sheppard.

"It's fine," Rodney tossed over his shoulder, picking up different objects and setting them down. "Really, it is. This is merely a holding room of sorts for various unfinished projects. None of these actually work." He currently held a small, thin silvery object in his hand, no longer than the size of his middle finger. He sighed. "I really wish I knew what most of this was meant for…"

"Hey, check this out!" John called from the other side of the room. When Teyla looked over she saw an object extended in his palm. "It glows!" And sure enough, the object emitted a faint, blue aura that enveloped the Colonel's hand. It was about the same size as a balled-up fist and had a crack running around its center. It was shaped almost like a ball, but more oval—'ball' and 'oval' being relative terms to Teyla, things she had picked up from John and Rodney through talking about Earth.

"Be very careful with that!" Rodney nearly shouted, skittering over to the excited Colonel. "You don't know what that does!"

Rodney received a raised eyebrow in return. "You just said it was fine to touch everything, McKay," John replied, tossing the object from hand to hand.

"I also said none of these unfinished projects were supposed to work! This one clearly works so…" Rodney became expectant, "Lemme see!"

"Now, hold on," the Colonel replied. "This looks kind of fun…" Ceasing the juggling, he carefully began to pry open the weird egg thing. "It kind of looks like a lemon, McKay. Better stay away."

"Oh, ha ha Colonel Funnypants."

John gasped in mock astonishment. "I don't have funny pants!" Rodney rolled his eyes as John continued struggling to open the Ancient technology. After another few tugs, the not-lemon gave way and parted into two distinct pieces. Between the two half slices was a tether of blue light, white at its center, extending sinuously from one half to the other. "Well, would you look at that," he whistled.

"Hmm…" Rodney pondered. "I wonder what its purpose was meant to be."

"It dangles," John said, dropping one half of the not-lemon. It hung in the air about two feet from the other half still in his left hand. He sent McKay an inquisitive look, "Do they need things that dangle?"

Rodney huffed. "Excusing your lack of Ancient terminology, it all depends on what the device was created for. Is there anything else on the ends of it? Communication triggers? Depressions? Any small holes we can use?"

"That's what she said," John quickly cut in. Ronon and Teyla smiled warily.

"I knew we never should've watched The Office! I'll kill Chuck for ever requesting that box set!"

"Oh come on, McKay, you know you enjoyed it."

"Please! An untrained chimp has better comedic timing than those clowns."

"I think you're exaggerating, McKay," Ronon said.

"Exaggerating! I'm not—"

"Look, it's like a yo-yo!" John exclaimed, using the half of the device still in his hand to roll the other end upward. After several swings, the tether curled into itself and rolled up the link, attaching the two halves together with a satisfying 'click.' John smiled. "A lemon-y, Ancient yo-yo."

"A yo-yo?" McKay asked, his eyes bulging. "That…that can't be a yo-yo!" He stole the object from Sheppard's hands. "The Ancients would never invest such resources into producing something as childish and futile as a simple play toy!" He glanced up at the rest of his team. "…Would they?"

Teyla shrugged her shoulders and motioned towards the fake lemon. "They did have children, Rodney. It would not be unwise to believe that our ancestors attempted to create toys for their children."

"I suppose you're right…" he sighed. Unlocking the two halves, he proceeded to let one end dangle near his feet. "I wonder why it was left in this room though. None of the rest of this junk works."

Sweeping up the other end, it bounced around in the air and fell back to its original position. Try as he might, no effort of wrenching or jerking the other end upwards would cause the tether to roll up into the other half. "I don't understand!" he shouted only seconds later, one hand being thrown into the air. "Do you need some kind of omega Ancient gene like Superman's over there?" he suggested, pointing one finger towards Sheppard.

"You just don't have the mojo," Sheppard said.

"Or the wrist strength," Ronon added.

"Nor the patience," Teyla concluded for them.

Bristling, Rodney grabbed hold of the blue tether and hauled it upwards, intent on physically pushing the two ends together. "Who cares, anyway. It's just a dumb kid's toy." Clicking the halves into place, he placed the not-lemon into his backpack. "We'll file this away later."

It wasn't even five hours later when Sheppard was called to the infirmary.

"Rodney, calm down!" Keller said, fiddling with the bandages on the physicist's hand. "It's not that bad."

"Not that bad!" John heard as he stepped into Keller's ward. "Look at it! It's a giant rash! And it hurts!"

"Just, hold on a minute," the doctor said, grabbing some pills from the nearby cabinet. "First, take two of these." At Rodney's questioning expression, she clarified, "Mild painkillers."

He did as she directed.

"Now, oh, hi Colonel," she said. "Just thought I'd call the rest of your team to the infirmary. It appears Rodney has developed an allergic reaction to something and I was informed that you all were investigating the city today so I'll need to do a check-up on all of you."

"No problem, Doc," John replied, hopping up onto the bed nearest to McKay. "Well McKay, looks like you might be allergic to that Ancient lemon after all!"

"I hardly think that's the case, Sheppard," Rodney said. "First of all, that object? Not organic. I highly doubt I'm allergic to Ancient technology. And second!" he began, cutting off any kind of quip his teammate could muster, "It's not a lemon!"

"It's a not-lemon," John conceded as Keller started scanning him.

"No, no it's not. It's an Ancient yo-yo. Nothing more. Nothing less." Rubbing the bandages on his wrist, Rodney hopped off the bed with the small bottle of pills in his other hand. "In the meantime, I am utterly exhausted and need some sleep so I can help Zelenka work on the Stargate tomorrow morning. Goodnight."

Keller rolled her eyes. "One little rash and you can't calm him down." She gave John a pointed look. "Does anything?"

"No, not really." He paused. "Food helps. Beautiful women. Oh, and new Ancient tech. And did I mention food?" he tossed out casually. Keller smiled. He grimaced at the prick of a needle, watching as she drew a blood sample. "Did Ronon and Teyla show up yet?"

"No, not yet, but they've been informed. Should be here any minute."

"Great, I'll just wait it out then so we can all head to the mess hall together."

He glanced around the infirmary, a half-dozen empty beds all around him. It was uncommon for there to be this many unoccupied beds, but John reasoned that the lack of Stargate travel at the moment was to account for that. He spied a sleeping form on one of the beds across the room shrouded in dim light and decided to ask Keller, who was preparing for his teammates' arrival.

"Who's over there?"

She gave him a questioning sound and glanced over her shoulder. "Oh, that's Evan. Nasty frog bite off-world last night before they shut down the 'Gate. Took awhile to clean up, but he's doing okay.

"Frog bite?" John asked, intrigued.

"Massive frog," she explained. "The size of a Golden Retriever, actually. Or so I heard from Laura."

And that was when John realized who she was talking about, judging by the first names the Doc was using. The only Laura he knew was Cadman, which meant Evan was…"Wait, that's Lorne?" He didn't realize his second-in-command and Keller were on a first name basis. When did that happen? And how the hell did he not know his XO was injured after returning from a mission the previous night?

"Yes, Major Lorne…" Keller said, drawing it out for him. "You didn't know he was here?"

"No, no I did not…" he admitted, his confused expression not going unnoticed. "Went to bed early last night, woke up and went on that mission today after eating. It wasn't serious, was it?"

She shook her head. "Just some moderate bleeding on his arm. Easy fix. Cleaned it right up," she reassured him. "Knowing Evan, he probably had Laura leave you a note on your desk so that he didn't have to bother you."

John snorted. "Yep, sounds like my XO. Lookin' out for his Commanding Officer by letting him sleep in."

"I'm sure he just didn't want to wake you, Colonel."

"Still, he should know by now I'm never in my office," he joked, angry at himself for not realizing his XO was injured and a little annoyed at Lorne for not telling him. "Can't deny the sleep last night was excellent, though."

"HELP!" A voice shouted, the unmistakable sound of Teyla cutting through the calm silence in the infirmary. John and Keller were at their feet in an instant, rushing forward as the doors slid open. Ronon and Teyla appeared, half-dragging an unconscious Rodney McKay with them. "We don't know what happened," Teyla started, pulling him to the nearest table. "He was on the floor in the middle of the hallway."

"Get him on the table!" Keller said, her voice authoritative. "Teyla, get Nurse Henderson, please. Tell her to bring an IV."

"Doc?" John queried, moving to McKay's other side. "Any idea what's wrong?"

She slapped on several gloves and picked up Rodney's arm, turning it this way and that. "The rash," she said, motioning to the Colonel with her head. "It's spreading." And sure enough, upon further inspection the rash that had only been relegated to Rodney's left hand had now spread up his arm and to the nape of his neck.

"I need to know what happened in the city today. Anything unusual? You mentioned something about an allergic reaction to a lemon?"

"It was a not-lemon, actually," John said. He immediately regretted her impatient expression. "Uh, it looked like a lemon. We figured it was an Ancient yo-yo because when you cracked it open there was a string between the two ends," he used gestures to try and explain his description, moving his hands attempting to imitate the physical shape of a yo-yo.

"I know what a yo-yo is, Colonel," Keller said as Teyla returned with Nurse Henderson in tow. "We need to set up an IV and get him on antibiotics." The nurse nodded and began her work. Keller flicked her eyes in John's direction and then opened McKay's mouth. "Continue."

"Right, so, he couldn't work the yo-yo—" at this he mimicked a failed attempt at yo-yoing a yo-yo, "—so he grabbed it with his hand to roll it up."

"So he grabbed both the string and the…not-lemon," she said with much reluctance. "Anything odd about the device itself? Or the string?" Placing a stethoscope on McKay's chest, she checked his breathing, having already determined that his glands weren't swollen and that he could breathe easily, for the moment.

"Well, other than it being shaped like a lemon, not really. I touched it and I'm fine."

"The string glowed," Ronon tossed out, anxious to see if McKay would be alright, but content to stand aside and not display his nervousness. John could tell by the way his eyes kept shifting to McKay that Ronon was really worried.

"Glowed?" Keller asked, her tone obviously wanting them to elaborate.

"Uh, yeah," John agreed. "It glowed. All shiny and blue."

"Did you touch that part?" she asked.

"No, John did not," Teyla answered for him, concerned that time may be a factor and they did not need John stumbling over his explanations when Rodney's life was at potential risk.

"Okay, I think we'll need Doctor Zelenka to examine the device further to see if that's what our problem is here. Judging by the fact that the outbreak began on his hand and that's what he used to touch the string, it sounds like that's what we're looking at." Keller began ordering a second nurse, who had arrived to check up on Major Lorne, to grab some fresh linen so they could move McKay to a more comfortable bed.

So John, Ronon, and Teyla stood aside and waited for the medical staff to try and help Rodney's condition. The staff seemed to multiply before their eyes and John realized he didn't even know there were this many able bodies on-hand for the infirmary at night time.

A noise behind him caught his attention and he noticed Lorne sat up on his bed staring in their direction, a wondering look on his face. John slowly excused himself and sauntered over to him.

"Major, how're you feeling?" he asked, indicating the sling around the man's right arm.

"Fine, sir." Standard military answer. "What's going on over there?" he nodded his head across the room, his hair mussed and his eyes decidedly sleepy. Someone had just woken up.

"McKay had an encounter with a not-quite-lemon-y shaped Ancient device. The lemon won."

"Ouch," Lorne winced. He straightened up fairly quickly. "He gonna be okay?"

John exhaled and looked down at his feet dejectedly. "I don't know, Major."

"Oh."

Cue awkward silence. The only sounds were the bustling of nurses and Keller hovering over McKay and the sound of John's boots sliding back and forth in a pattern on the floor.

Trying to get his mind off the status of his best friend, John took in the appearance of Lorne. "So, a not-frog, I hear? Or was it a not-dog?...Not-frog-dog?"

Lorne smiled sleepily. "Not-frog, sir. I think we'll stick with that."

"Not-frog it is," John agreed, watching Lorne carefully. Keller had obviously given him something for the pain because he looked decidedly goofy sitting there with a half-crazed smile on his face, a sling around his arm, and lowered eyelids that definitely wanted to close shut so he could get some sleep. "Major."

"Sir?" his XO said, snapping to attention, but failing utterly to do so.

"Get some sleep, Major."

"But—"

"That's an order. You look like you're about to pass out on me." And he wasn't far off that mark, he guessed. "If there's an update on McKay's condition, I'll wake you."

Lorne eyed him skeptically, unsure about whether the Colonel would actually wake him up or not if McKay turned out to be okay. He decided, however, that the Colonel would definitely wake him up if there was a negative change in the physicist's condition, so he laid back on the bed and nodded towards his CO. "Thanks, sir."

"No problem. Now, have a good nap."

"Yes, sir." As the Major closed his eyes, John could tell he fell asleep within seconds.

"John!" Teyla called, her voice filled with excitement and a smile on her face. "He is going to be okay," she said, as he jogged back over to them.

"He's okay? You sure?"

"Yes, Dr. Keller says he will be fine. Dr. Zelenka was just here while you were speaking with the Major. He explained that, after testing the device on some of the mice the Daedalus brought several trips ago, the rash began to appear on them as well. Prolonged exposure to the device had them develop the rash in minutes. Rodney had only touched the device for a few seconds. That is why it took so long for the outbreak to occur."

John immediately relaxed. "Well, thank goodness for that." He noticed Dr. Keller slowly making their way towards them after tending to McKay. "So, he's going to be okay?" he asked, seeking confirmation.

She gave a tired smile. "Yes, he'll be back to ranting and raving in no time. The antibiotics kicked in fairly quickly. Allergic reactions aren't too uncommon here in Atlantis, so it didn't take long to find an antibiotic that took."

"That's good to hear, Doc."

"Now," she said, indicating each of them in turn, "No more touching strange things." She turned to John. "I feel like I've told you this already." He shrugged sheepishly.

"Will do, Doc!" He hopped up again on the bed next to McKay, though this time in entirely different circumstances. After stealing a glance at Lorne, he decided to let the Major sleep for another few hours before he informed him of McKay's improvement. The man needed rest. They all did.

And they all needed to stop touching weird Ancient things. Especially himself.

Laying his pen down, John picked up the not-lemon from his bed tray. Rodney had told him just last week that Zelenka had modified it so it would no longer be harmful. It had taken them awhile to analyze it and determine that any contact with skin resulted in a dangerous and painful rash.

Now, however, with Zelenka's tinkering, it would do no harm.

Peeling the halves apart, or 'slicing the lemon' as he liked to refer to it, John began the laborious process of rolling it up and rolling it down and rolling it up and rolling it down.

It wasn't even five minutes before Dr. Biro witnessed the dancing blue light and took the thing away from him.