He didn't know what time it was. But he knew that his ass hurt. Hurt, in the kind of epic proportions that made him wonder if he had found that broom he knew was somewhere around his apartment. Presently he sat, good fuckin' gaia, sat, upon the cool tub edge, and mopped the blood from the inside of his thighs with a shirt he had lying around.

"Odin, you look hurt." The shrill buzz of fleeting panic lent to a moment of complete stillness in his head as he spun it to regard Kunsel, who was standing in the doorway with a black stocking over his head. Zack sighed.

"Yeah, I was just raped." Kunsel gasped, but ultimately came across a little impassive for the limited range of expression black pantyhose generally have. Kunsel said it was to protect his hair and skin at night but somehow Zack didn't think so.

"No shit?" he said, a little muffled.

Zack blinked.

"No, of course not. now can you-" he motioned towards the door. "You know..." It was a wonder that Kunsel wasn't some kind of Turk the way he moved in the shadows, walked in always in the peaking moments of his masturbatory fantasies, or wet vomiting frenzies that happened a little too frequently on the weekends.

"You still look like you could use an ear."

" Not right now. I just..."

"Clearly need someone to talk to." Kunsel said, sliding in on his usual shadows and kneeling in front of Zack.

"Can we do it went I'm not naked and freshly raped?" Kunsel gave him a strange look.

"Man that is nothing to joke about. But whatever it is, I'm right there for you." There was a moment of silence in which Zack was pretty sure he was just being stared at through the stocking. "I'm always there." Kunsel said, and Zack was silent.

"Well, I'm going to take a shower." Kunsel shrugged and headed towards the door.

"Alright man." he said stopped at the door. "But remember, I'm always there."

Somehow, Zack was very aware of that. And when he turned the water as hot as it would go, he stepped in and tried not to think of nurses, brooms or squats.

But Angeal only wanted squats. About 200 of them.

"Are you hurt or something kid?" If there was anyone he would talk to about it he imagined it would be Angeal, but somehow he couldn't do it.

"Nope. Just...got in a fight last night, in that new bar...downtown."

"Hmm. So you enjoyed yourself."

"Not really. Kind of tight, you know?"

"What?"

"Lotsa people."

"Listen, I expect you to enjoy yourself, but you have to be dedicated if this is going to work."

"I am, I swear Angeal. I just-"

"I believe you. But you should know that I won't be easy on you." Angeal patted him on the shoulder. "I'm going to be very rough with you, but all for good reason." He smiled. "Trust me, it has to get hard first before it gets good." Zack stared on in horror. "Now get on the floor."

"What? Why?" Angeal raised an eyebrow.

"Floorwork?"

Walking-Limping from practice, he was considering going back to his dorm to shower, when he was suddenly assaulted by an onslaught of syrupy prose. He continued walking, and so continued the prose.

"Gaia, it's enough okay, Genesis?" For reasons unknown to him General Rhapsodos had launched an obvious, all too poetic campaign against him since he'd been apprenticed. Zack assumed he was jealous of how close he and Angeal had become, but sometimes wondered if was not more since his persistence with it was almost just as great as his apparent madness. Which was saying something.

"Soldier, I'm not sure a first name basis is appropriate, regardless of other relationships you might have with superiors." Zack stopped.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Genesis crowded him against the wall.

"Coy doesn't look good on you, soldier.

"Listen, I'm having kind of a rough day so-"

"Really? Your path seems especially easy and bright, little soldier, for all the time you spend on your back."

"Hey, man-"

"The Goddess overlooks pretenders." As Zack's anger took on edge and shape, there was a nausea rising in the damp, sparse bit of air that was continually diminishing between them.

"She also takes it hard in the ass. Hard. Not metaphorically." He stared at the other man. "That's how you like it too right?" Genesis pushed him up against the wall, and the panic that he felt was automatic and hot.

"Just because you're Sephiroth's little toy-" and he didn't hear the rest, because he was just thinking, what the fuck? What the fuck? He wasn't even gay, he had a girlfriend and her name was Aerith and she was sweet and nice and frustratingly chaste, but that was okay because she was pretty and warm, and he just tried to meditate on it, and not think about the aforementioned General, whose silver hair came in bright licks that eclipsed honey brown, and had eyes were just not right.

Stop-please.

He tried to think of a joke, but he couldn't think when Genesis' breath was on his face, accusing and intermingled with Loveless.

Please, stop.

His head was spinning, and his gut was churning, and he could feel the hands, nails, in his knees. He could feel the bile rising and suddenly he knew it was too late, and Genesis was hurtling back and his dinner was hurtling forward and right onto the redheaded General.

And then it was all going black, which was too bad because he would've savored the moment if he could.

When he awoke, he was in his own bed. Kunsel was by his bedside, reading a newspaper that covered both face and upper body. Zack jumped at the sudden peal of laughter that came from behind the paper.

"What's funny?" Zack asked. The paper stilled but did not lower.

"Funnies." He said. "Know what's funnier?"

"No."

"Projectile puke. Heh, wouldn't beleive it if I hadn't been there to see it." Kunsel said, from behind the paper.

"You were there? I didn't see you there." Kunsel gave a dry laugh.

"No one ever does, Zack." Another silence descended, but found it was a sadder silence than usual.

There was a knock at the door.

"I'll get it." Zack said quickly, launching out of his bed and towards the door. He was happy to see his tacit blonde friend, standing there with his usual somber look.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"You...said that I could...I don't have anything to do... but if you're busy..."

"Spike, I'm not busy with anyone but you. Let's get outta here, I feel like I'm suffocatin.'"

They went to a cafe not far out into the city.

"How are you?"

"She sent me a letter."

"She, she? Tif-""

"Yeah." the younger boy said, in a dreamy exhale that told all that needed to be told.

"What did it say?" Zack asked. Cloud put the actual letter down on the table.

"You can read it." Zack picked it up and read the length of it. It was written in an immacualte hand, he'd only seen women capable of, and he remembered the notes his mothe-

"I was raped." Zack said suddenly. Cloud froze, half a tomato hanging from his lip. He put his burger down. Zack downed his water.

There was an absurd space of time where Cloud was reaching for the letter, as if what Zack said could be found somewhere in it, as if he had just missed it the first read.

"What?"

"I was raped. Fuck, it sounds more stupid every time I say it..." Cloud was silent, eyes still and blue. "I thought we were friends. And I was just jokin' around with him and-I was talkin' and he started talkin' about this fucked up shit, but I was like fuck it, he's a little weird anyway so whatever, you know?"

Cloud took a bite of his burger. Swallowed.

"It'll get better." He said calmly, almost soullessly, folding up the letter an putting it into his pocket.

"I just, I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should do anything." Zack said, putting his head into his hands.

"I guess it depends. You could learn to like it. I haven't yet but-"

"Whoa. What the fuck, Cloud?" Cloud looked up, face impassive.

"I know it sounds-"

"No. Not that, though...we...we should probably talk about that too. You were raped?"

"Zack, some things can't be helped, I've always known that. After the ninth time, it doesn't really matter anymore. "

"Ninth? Ninth?"

"They usually say they're sorry. But it'll always happen again, you know, I never know how they all find me, I haven't taken a shower, left a training session, or walked through the locker room without being raped since 1997."

Zack was horrified. He had never been so lost for words.

"You could confront him." Cloud said, trying to offer comfort. He sighed. "I don't bother, don't have the time."

Zack stood at his door, tried to bring himself to knock. There were flashes of the night before firing off at light speed, whispers in his head asking him if he liked it, that he deserved it, that he wanted it, and fuck no he really didn't especially since it had become all too apparent that Masamune was compensation for nothing.

The door opened slowly, and Sephiroth stood in the doorway looking very put upon, as if just opening the door was more than he wanted to give.

"You-"" his throat went dry.

"Would you like to come in Fair?" Zack blinked, stunned by the formality.

"I… No. What the fuck do you think?"

"What do you need? I have work to do." Sephiroth sighed.

"You raped me!"

"Yes. I know." Zack's momentum was ripped away.

"And-that's it?" He didn't know what to say.

"It wasn't something I wanted, I assure you."

"You, didn't want it? You-"

"It is something I am trying to improve upon, I suppose it has something to do with the climate of my upbringing and the voices that sometimes strike me when I am alone."

"A voice told you to rape me?"

"Only in part, mostly you annoy and arouse me into a state of such blind ardor that I am no longer able to control myself." Zack was speechless. "That I apologize for. But I can't tell you certainly whether or not I will rape you again."

"You're a monster."

"I know. If you haven't noticed, these last couple of months Genesis and Angeal have been talking incessantly about monsters."

"I…"

"I should resume work. But before I do, I wanted to ask you something." Sephiroth said, and Zack just stared on.

"What."

"That friend of yours, the blonde cadet. Do you have any idea where he showers?"

When he returned to his apartment he immediately sought out the bathroom. He felt boneless, and wondered if had been worth it to confront the man. If he didn't feel the pain he would've thought it was a dream. And it did feel surreal. He kept saying the words to himself as he turned the hot water all the way to scalding it didn't seem real. Kunsel stood in the door way, holding a wet towel to his face. The lower part of his mouth was the only visible thing.

"You want to talk?" he asked. Zack shook his head.

"No more talking today." He said and Kunsel nodded. "But I…don't really want to be alone."

Kunsel closed the door.

"Alright, man."

With that Zack stepped in the hot shower with his clothes on and curled up under the stream. Genesis had taught him what a cliché was sometime back, and knew this he was it right in that moment. He didn't care. Not about anything.

Kunsel settled on the bathroom floor, and leaned his back against the tub.

"Are you there?"

"Yeah." Kunsel said, letting the towel fall from his face. "Right here."

Author's Note: So, this started as a Seph/Zack and deteriorated into a humor/parody of the influx of rape fics I've been noticing. I'm not sure what the response will be, or if there will even be one. I'm also not sure what this even is, since some of the more dramatic elements got in there anyway and totally muddied the waters of parody. And then…Kunsel got himself in there for the strangest moment of WAFF I've ever written. It should go without saying that I don't condone rape, because it's rape, but figured I'd get it out of the way. I'm fairly certain that rape itself isn't even remotely funny. I hope you enjoyed, if that isn't weird to say for a fic like this.