That's the end of this one. I hope this turned out the way that DeanWinchesterPresents hoped although I must add that fire alarms in the middle of the night do not make for a good writing environment.

Holding the hand that holds me down

I forgive, forget you, the end

Dean cannot stop thinking about the way that Castiel kissed him a few days ago. He cannot deny that it felt good, cannot deny that it filled something buried deep in him with warmth and longing, but at the same time it has him shaken. This is not the sort of thing that Cas would normally do, not the sort of action that the angel would usually take, and it has the hunter baffled.

He still cannot look at his friend without wondering if Castiel will push him away if he tries to kiss him again and he wishes he knew how this need had managed to crawl so far under his skin. Dean is also coming to realise, however, that this is one of the reasons that he missed Castiel so much, that this need has been filling him slowly for the last two years. Now he knows that he has the opportunity to take what he wants and knows that Cas, on some level, wants it too. He has to reach for this, because he is broken and lonely and he knows that if he does not try to get out of this dark place soon he is never going to be able to leave it.

Castiel anchors him, holds him in this world and gives him something to want. As hard as it is to believe that he deserves that, he has to try because he does not want to become the broken, revenge filled, shell that so many hunters have turned into. He is not healing, his thoughts too often on Sam and the things that have been taken from him, he is exhausted and falling apart and Cas is trying so hard to keep him in one piece.

It is not fair on the angel and Dean is not so much of a dick that he cannot see that. It is simply that he has no idea of what to do. Castiel has not mentioned the kiss, has barely even met his eyes, and Dean cannot keep clinging to a false hope. He has had too many of those in his life and he refuses to live through another one. He wants Castiel, though he shies away from the thought that he may love the angel, and he is not going to let himself be denied that when he has lost so much already.

Cas, however, is very difficult to pin down and when Dean finally does he hesitates. This is what he wants, he cannot ignore the feeling of warmth that flooded him when the angel kissed him, but even though he thinks that Cas wants the same he cannot be certain. He hesitates and it is almost as though the angel reads his intentions because he surges forward again, kissing Dean with a fervour that the hunter willingly matches.

This is all new, all strange, to the man but even though he does not know why he wants Castiel in the way that he does, he knows that it makes him feel alive. It makes him feel a little more whole and a little more like living and the fact that Castiel is in the body of a man, though concerning given Dean's preferences, is not as repulsive as the hunter thought it would be.

"Is this why you came back?" Dean asks later when they are satiated and most certainly not snuggling in the old motel room bed. Now that the heated moment has passed all of the old worries are returning, all of the doubt and the fear and the certainty that he will be left alone once more.

"Not entirely," the angel's voice is a little smug, "this is simply an unexpected benefit."

Dean concludes that he will have to do something about that tone and he does, at length, repeatedly.

He clings to Castiel through the dark times, he forgives the angel and his brother and all the others he has known for the imagined slights and abandonment. While he cannot forget, not truly, he manages to live with the memories and that is all that he can hope for.

Holding the hand that holds me down

I forgive you, forget you, the end