Zanpaktou Census

Chapter 1

-Ellabella1102

(A/N My First try at anything a bit funny… XD. I had the worst writer's block ALL DAY, and it's finally gone.)

Full Summary:

Mayuri needs to take the census- on Zanpaktou! He must document each and every ones existence and limitations, and to do so, he must separate them from their wielders for a while. To do so, however, he must put each Shinigami into a separate dimension to keep their souls stable while he analyzes their swords. There seem to be a few… unruly side effects….

This is going to be NEVER ENDING fic, as it were. I'll be writing it as it comes to mind, adding new Shinigami and taking them out at respective times. If you want a specific Shinigami in here, or maybe an OC, just tell me in a review! Please note, this isn't going to be one of those fiches that goes on in short bursts with no plot line- it's going to be a real story, with a plot tilted in favor of the reviewers.

This Fic is perfect if you want something to cheer you up while having the appropriate amount (Maybe a dose more) Of humor, while keeping the action in and a couple of fights between some major characters. If the Zanpaktou arc didn't exist, than this fic would be HARD to WRITE.

And, if you didn't get it based on that, this fic is way NOT CANNON.

You're probably tired of my rant- Enjoy~

Ichigo was on his couch, watching TV. It was only 9 o'clock or so, but the phone ringing was still an out of place phenomenon. He was about to let it ring, figuring it could wait until the next day, but picked it up on a whim. "Yo. Kurosaki residence, Ichigo speaking." He said into the receiver, stifling a yawn. As soon as Nemu's voice echoed through the line, Ichigo was instantly on guard. Nemu. Mayuri's assistant. That crazy guy's 'Daughter'. He almost hung up, but then he realized he message-

"Nemu Mayuri, this is a recording."

At least it wasn't only for him- it was an all-call of some sort.

"You, being a Zanpaktou wielder, are required to take part in the 2000-2400 Zanpaktou Census. Mayuri Kurotsuchi will be conducting all formalities upon a later date- this is a mandatory call to the 12th division's grounds as of July 14, forthcoming. Please attend in full uniform for the safety protocol. If you do not attend, we will find you."

Ok, that wasn't creepy at all. Safety protocol? If they just had to stand in a line and bring up their Zanpaktou, why would they need safety protocol? If it was mandatory, he had to go- his father and Rukia needed to know as well. The message ended abruptly after that,

"Arigato. See you there!"

Ichigo let the phone got for one more second, and then hung up. Interesting, indeed. A Zanpaktou Census, taken every 100 years. Isshin and Urahara would know about that- Ichigo turned around, knees on the couch, and then shouted through the house, "DAD! RUKIA! Get down here!"

After a minute of scuffling, the two figures appeared, one from the kitchen with a pudding cup, and the other from upstairs. Isshin took another bite of the pudding before asking, "What's up, son of mine?"

"… I just got a call from Soul Society." Ichigo began, "We need to be at the 12th division's barracks on the 14th. Said they're taking a Zanpaktou Cen-"

"OH!" Isshin put his pudding down quickly, "NO! I WILL NOT BE SUBJECTED TO THAT AGAIN!" Isshin demanded, running upstair after taking the phone from Ichigo, who was slightly anxious about the upcoming event now. He could head his father upstairs, "Urahara? They're taking Census!" he exclaimed. Ichigo heard the sound of a suitcase being dragged down from the closet. "I can't go to Russia again!" Isshin told him, "Yeah, China's good…"

"…" Ichigo still had his hand in the air as if he was holding the phone, a blank expression on his face. "Um…."

Isshin tromped down the stairs, messily packed suitcase trailing behind him. "Tell them I can't come!" He called as he opened the door, "YOUR DEAR FATHER IS TAKING A SUDDEN TRIP TO CHINA! TAKE GOOD CARE OF THE HOMESTEAD, MY CAPABLE SON!" Isshin ran out the door in a rather theatrical way, dropping some articles of clothing from the partially zipped suitcase.

"They said they'd find you…" Ichigo told him as he closed the door for his father, who was apparently fleeing to a different country for the occasion. "Um, Rukia, what exactly is this Census?"

Rukia shrugged, also slightly confused by Isshin's antics. "They take it every 400 years or so…. I'm only 300." she informed him. "What do we need to do? The 14th is tomorrow…"

"We've got to get to Soul Society." He repeated, "We needed to be there for a safety briefing or something." Ichigo finished, dialing the number for a kid-sitter to take care of Karin and Yuzu.

"Got it." Rukia assured, sitting down on the couch. What was the bid deal? Just show them your Zanpaktou, maybe the release? Nothing big.

Meanwhile, in Soul Society…

Everyone was going absolutely crazy. The Census was upon them once again, and that meant only one thing- run and hide. Each year it was different, something more crazy than the last. Even Matsumoto was looking for a place to seek cover in the chaos. Toshiro had caught her, however, and they were going to do this respectfully. After all, neither of them had ever been through a Census before, they'd only head the seemingly ludicrous legends. Ikkaku was ready for it, as was Zaraki. They were enjoying their job of catching as many Shinigami as they could to round up everyone in the 12th Division's courtyard- almost everyone was under the watchful eye of Mayuri now. Some were trying to form human ladders to reach the crest of the barricade that was keeping everyone cooped up, and others had given up all hope, sitting in small circles and saying what they thought might actually be final goodbyes. This was how everyone ended up by the end of the day, in small circles, around the small bonfires that they were using for warmth and light. Some of the newest Shinigami cried, feeling that this was their last night of sane life.

Mayuri simply laughed- it was like this every single year.

Ichigo and Rukia arrived after setting up Urahara's portal to Soul Society. Renji was waiting for them, and aided their efforts in getting the gate functional. "Do you know what the issue is?" Renji asked as they went through only to be greeted by an empty street. "I heard that Mayuri makes the Census so they can kill off certain Shingami and keep the population down…." He speculated.

Ichigo shook his head, "Why'd they need that after the Winter War?" He argued. Renji glared at him,

"Well, I also heard that some people go blind afterwards!"

"Yeah, right." Ichigo replied, rolling his eyes. Renji's glare intensified, and he looked like he was about to shout something that would really spark a fire, but Rukia intervened.

"Quiet. We've got to get to the 12th Division." She told them both, using Shunpo to one up their distance from the destination. Renji and Ichigo got into a silent competition over who could use Shunpo faster, both reaching the wall much faster than Rukia. Ichigo overlooked the crowd, who were all either sleeping or sitting- a few people mouthed,

'Run!'

Ichigo and Renji should've taken this as a warning to the looming figure of Zaraki Kenpachi behind them, but it was too late. Zaraki shoved them both over the peak, and they both hit the ground with a loud and most defiantly painful thud. Rukia passed over his head and landed daintily, stepping on Renji's hand in the process. Both guys were pretty much out of it, and she had to wake them up her way- jumping on their backs mercilessly.

"O-O-Ow!" Ichigo complained as the air was forced out of his lungs every time she bounced.

"R-R-Ru-Ruki-Rukia!" Renji managed as she stepped off. Both men gasped for air for a moment before sitting up. There was a sea of black before them, heads bobbing up and down, some faces forlorn, some determined not to break, and of course, the one white face of Kurotsuchi looming above the rest. He was smiling in his creepy way, as if he was analyzing his newest subjects.

"Ichigo, there you are." Mayuri's eyes lit up a bit. "My first test subject!" He smiled even wider. Ichigo backed up from him,

"No freakin way!" Ichigo stated firmly. Mayuri's smile lessened,

"Kidding. I plan to finish this in groups…. mostly…" He cast one more creepy golden iris upon the orange haired teen before continuing on his stroll. After a few more stragglers arrived, being pushed over the wall and creating a waterfall like effect, Kurotsuchi resumed a place on a pedestal. Many were trying to use shunpo to escape, but it seemed like a one way in kind of thing. Everyone stood as he ascended to his perch, looking at him with curiosity and malice.

"Welcome to the 2000 Census!" Mayuri greeted them. Dead silence was the response, and he didn't seem to mind much. "I will be taking account of all your Zanpaktou, including releases and limitations. You will be required to dispose of your sword in the proper receptacle, as shown by Nemu." He pointed over to a screen on which Nemu's face was portrayed along with a bin. "Katana form only, please, with the exception of Kurosaki." He looked down directly at Ichigo. "Yes, I do see you."

Everyone took a breath of air.

"You will be separated from your physical Zanpaktou completely, but you will be merged with your spiritual Zanpaktou absolutely." He told them all, which resulted in another wave of confusion. "To prevent your souls from destabilizing, I have ripped a hole into another dimension that should keep everyone whole until I've counted up all the swords." He looked about for a moment, "Any questions?" Almost every single hand went up, "None? I thought so. Please begin to dispose of your Zanpaktou in a bin- when you put them in the bin, please be aware that everyone else who stored their Zanpaktou in that bin will be with you."

Instantly, everyone looked around to see where their best friend or captain had stored his or her katana, most of them staying true to division. There was a 14th bin, however, and no one bothering with it. Toshiro did stop by and put his in there, but Nemu was guarding it against any fan-girls that just couldn't help themselves because he was so 'cute.' Matsumoto snuck hers in there, however, contrary to Hitsugaya's wishes. Ichigo shrugged and ventured over there with Renji and Rukia. Ichigo was holding his Shikai, which a few Shinigami stopped to marvel at, but then had no idea what do do with it.

"I will take it." Nemu explained, taking the large piece of metal from him and holding it with just three fingers. "Rukia, Renji, please place your katana in the bin."

They did as they were told, and went over to wait by Toshiro and Matsumoto. No one really payed attention to who else was dropping off their katana there, but Ichigo did catch a glimpse of Yoruichi, quickly followed by Soifon. Ichigo had never even seen Yoruichi's Zanpaktou at all before. It was just the average katana with a yellow hilt.

Nemu continued to ward off certain Shinigami, while letting others pass. Ichigo eventually interjected in the conversation that Rukia and Renji, "I think this entire thing is fixed." Ichigo told them both, whispering to avoid being overheard. Rukia looked over at Nemu and nodded,

"Only this bin, to- the one with Toshiro, Yoruichi, you…" Rukia observed, shifting her eyes through the crowd. Renji nodded his agreement as well. The bins began to overflow with swords, and then Ichigo saw it. Kenpachi. Headed for their bin. He bolted, trying to intercept him, but Zaraki just shoved him out of the way and dropped his dented and cracked katana into the vat.

"Be seein' ya, Kurosaki…" He laughed in a crazed way before going to mingle a bit more, mostly with Yachiru, who dumped her small katana into the pile as well.

Ichigo was a bit depressed- now he not only had to spend the next day or so in another dimension, but he had to spend it running from Kenpachi. Great. "Ichigooo….." Rukia poked him, with no response. "Wow."

After everyone had gotten settled and sorted into a bin, there were 13 overflowing tubs and a 14th just filled to the brim. Mayuri appeared again, smiling, "Everyone has deposited their Zanpaktou. You will be completely split with them as soon as you enter the other dimension. If you would like to refer to it, I suggest you call it by it's proper name-

Shizou Hitodama. (Holding onto Disembodied Souls.) Thanks for coming, and please note that each bin will be directed to a different dimension, although the wall between each is thin. I will also allow some Hollows, upon request to cure boredom…" He finished as a 14 holes were ripped open, right next to the respective bin. Nemu stood waiting at the 14th, and as Ichigo passed, he heard her utter a warning.

"There are some side effects."

Well now, wasn't that nice to know now, of all times. As soon as Rukia passed through, she could feel her blade in her hand again, but it also felt like she was being split apart from herself at the same time. It hurt like hades, but there was a kind calm afterwards, like being saved from the flames. Zaraki felt next to nothing as he entered, and continued walking down the long corridor as everything began to fade to a new landscape. Yoruichi showed similar capabilities while Soifon felt the burning, tearing sensation as her arm grew heavy. Renji could feel the separation, but it was smooth and felt like getting acupuncture. Ichigo felt his sword leave him, but at the same time, he held a slender blade- his Bankai? All he felt, though, was an unnerving calm that inspired a slight insane touch in the back of his mind. It was unsettling, and the more he focused on it, the more the voice of craziness seemed to be a bit less annoying.

Everyone exited the other side- there was at least 50 people there- maybe even topping 75. It was a large group, but Ichigo could hardly recognize anyone. It was too many people anyway- for some reason, he felt very, very crowded.

Rukia opened her eyes to see everyone else, barely in time to see Ichigo use Shunpo to leave the group. She didn't bother to follow him, however, and as she looked around, the wind blew her hair infront of her eyes. It was a startling snow white. She looked down at her blade, now as clear as crystal with a sharp edge. The hilt twirled back to meet her palm, a sparking silver. 1 clear ribbon trailed off the hilt in a brilliant display, ending in one ice like charm that radiated coolness, the mist evaporating into the air. "I-It's…. my Bankai…!" Rukia realized, holding it up infront of her. Renji appeared, his Bankai present as well.

"R-Rukia… you're hair… and eyes…" he observed, not taking into account his own appearance. Rukia laughed out loud-

"R-Renji! Your.. hair!" She laughed insatiably, "It's so long and wild!"

Renji glanced down to see that his normally spiked hair was now a tangled mat. "What the!" He asked, growling a bit.

"Your teeth to!" she exclaimed, looking at the curved canines.

Renji, however, couldn't find anything to pick on about her- she had wonderfully bright blue eyes, and her hair was a brilliant white. He also noticed her sword, which had never appeared in that way before. It was chained to her wrist in a nice fashion, as well. "Is that… what is that?" He inquired, moving oeuvre to her and letting his huge Zanpaktou roam freely.

"My Bankai…" Rukia replied, sure of it. "I know it."

"But you've never been able to reach Bankai before!" Renji observed. Rukia shrugged, her eyes more kind than usual.

"Maybe it's just this place." Rukia theorized, sheathing the wonderful blade. She proceeded to sit down, smiling a bit. "Where's Ichigo?"

Meanwhile,

Toshiro was as he usually was, if not a bit more unemotional. His Bankai also show through as the magnificent Ice Dragon it was, but it soon disconnected from his blade and went to go mingle with the other oversized Zanpaktou, such as Zabimaru. Matsumoto, on the other hand, looked like she'd just finished a bottle of sake, and… she had cat ears. Hitsugaya tried his best to ignore her, but it was kind of hard when she was yelling random things as loud as she could. Her canines were also sharper than usual, and she was standing uncomfortably close to him.

Zaraki felt the same. He couldn't help but laugh at Yachiru, who was now wearing a pink uniform and bubbles were floating about her.

Yoruichi felt no different, maybe a bit more unnoticeable, though- she looked down to find that her uniform, instead of carrying the usual white trim, how was black all the way. She was also wearing gloves that closed her sleeves using bandages, and upon closer inspection, she too had cat ears.

Soifon, on the other hand, now had bright yellow tips to her hair. Her huge Bankai weighted down her arms, but she managed to marvel at soifon's excessively stealthily new look.

Ikkaku was carrying about his oversized blade, and he hadn't changed much either- except there was a large, red dragon tattooed to the back of his head. Interesting.

Rukia turned gracefully to look for Ichigo, and couldn't see him amongst the now colorful Shinigami that surrounded her. "Ichigo?" she called. Some other people were also looking for friends they had lost along the way, so calling out began to become a common occurrence. "Ichigo!"

After sifting her way though most of the crowd and taking in all the compliments she got on her new look, she reached a clear space. The soil was gray, a dark gray, but the sky was a dark, hazy blue. A tree rested here and there, along with some grass, but it was mostly barren. She saw Ichigo a good 1/2 mile away, barely. What was he doing? "Ichigo? Come back over here!"

Ichigo heard her- she was so loud, it was hard to hear himself think. Of course, she was Rukia, though. He shunpo'ed back in a flash, still a good 30 feet away from the crowd. Rukia saw him better- his Bankai robes, usually red trimmed with a split down the middle, were completely black, and it looked like there was no seam. The sleeves were also a tad longer, and the bottom drifted about much more than usual. He was also wearing a pair of slim sunglasses, over which you could just see his eyes. She'd never pictured his Zanpaktou so dark looking, but his Bankai fit nicely with the robes.

"Look at this!" Rukia exclaimed, a bit more quietly as she held out the clear blade. "It's my Bankai!"

"It's nice." Ichigo replied. "Suits you. The hair and eyes are obviously Sode no Shirayuki's." he continued, seeming to fit the logic together perfectly. "It's pretty obvious that we've all been merged with our inner selves to some degree, and it appears if we were capable of achieving Bankai, than it has been unlocked."

"…Ichigo?" Rukia asked, not understanding the computing side of him. Their Zanpaktou were supposed to be a reflection of themselves, not complete opposites. Renji was baffled as well,

"What are you, a computer now? Look at it!" He demanded, wanting to brag Rukia's accomplishment even if she wouldn't.

"What are you, a monkey?" Ichigo asked, his expression not changing much aside from a smirk.

Renji growled a bit, "Take it back, foureyes!" Renji retorted, "A monkey is better than a computer!"

"Fine." Ichigo replied, beginning to walk away again. Renji was taken aback, and began to shout a flurry of insults after him, finally calling him,

"You're a STRAWBERRY!" He finalized. Ichigo stopped walking and looked back over his shoulder.

"Are you really resorting to that?"

"You know it, strawberry!" Renji retorted in a mocking tone.

Rukia suddenly had the feeling that, even as is, Ichigo was more not himself than it appeared. "Renji, stop it- don't mess with him." Rukia tried, her calm peace-loving side taking over for a moment.

"Oi, since when do you care? Don't think Ichigo could hold his own?" Renji laughed, slightly deeper than usual. A few Shinigami had begun to watch the commotion now,

"Look at Kurosaki….!"

"He's absolutely ticked!"

"Why does you're lieutenant look like a monkey?" Asked one to Byakuya, who was simply wearing his Zanpaktou's mask on his shoulder. Byakuya closed his eyes and turned around.

"Fight!" a calm cry started up.

"Fight, Fight!" It grew in strength.

"FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!" The crowd was chanting now.

"These people have a really short attention span." Ichigo noted, not moving his blade at all except to lean it on his shoulder.

Renji was fuming now, "Bring it on, Kurosaki!"

"I'd rather not." Ichigo replied, beginning to walk away again. "You people are to loud." Ichigo didn't know why, but everything seemed so loud all of a sudden. His own company would be better than these sirens.

Renji began hollering again, as did most of the crowd. They wanted to see the 'hero' of the winter war do what he could do- after all, his sword was smaller than half of theirs. Rukia, however, thought over what Ichigo seemed to have noticed. If everyone was merging with their Zanpaktou to some degree, would it be progressive? And, if that was true, what else would be happening to them?

And, there was that last question-

Why hadn't Mayuri told them?

I hope I gave you a few laughs here and there while keeping it interesting. Tell me what you think in a review, give me Shinigami to add in! I'll do OC's as well, as long as you give me a good one!

Also, yes, Ichigo is gunna merge with his Hollow a bit… hehehehe…

I love how all the random shinigami are like, 'KILL EM!'. It makes me laugh.

I had a real passion for this chapter, and I'll be continuing it when I'm not working on something else, of I have writers block… which I do right now.

Please excuse my dear aunt Sally.

Also, Ichigo's so different because Zangetsu is like his polar opposite. Rukia had a caring side, like Sode no Shirayuki, so it's not as noticeable. Her Bankai in focus:

A crystal blade, ice to the touch, with a silver hilt that looks as if it has been twisted into a spiral that wraps around her hand. IT's also chained to her wrist with a small, dainty chain you might see on silver jewelry. The ribbon on the end is the same, except the charm at the end is much colder than ice and can freeze stuff.

I'm debating a pairing at all…

I'm going to put the characters as 'Ichigo' and 'Rukia' because I figure I'll keep coming back to them in some way.

If you want a pairing, just ask. Put requests in reviews, and ANYONE CAN REVIEW!

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