Title: South Park, Louisiana
Category: Books » Sookie Stackhouse/Southern Vampire Mysteries
Author: EricBonesVladCurran
Language: English, Rating: Rated: M
Genre: Humor/Parody
Published: 06-22-10, Updated: 06-22-10
Chapters: 1, Words: 5,780
Chapter 1: Chapter 1
The Dead Pan Contest Entry
Story/movie parodied: South Park
Beta's penname: moxie (dot) mo (The bestest beta a writer could ask for!)
Characters: Eric, Niall, Sam, Bill, Quinn, Sookie, Lafayette, Lorena, Cataliades
Disclaimer: The world of the Southern Vampire Mysteries belongs to Ms. Charlaine Harris, the world of South Park belongs to Matt Stone and Trey Parker, and the world of True Blood belongs to Alan Ball and HBO. I am in awe of all three creations and their creators, and I own nothing, (well, unless you count student loans). No actual cartoons, actors or people were hurt in the making of this fanfiction, it is all meant in good fun and should not be taken seriously by anyone. This transformative work constitutes a 'fair use' of any copyrighted materials as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright. Also, please note that this was crafted before season 3 aired, when we were still entrenched in the Mary-Ann and Bill/Sookie gooiness overload that was season 2. If I were to re-write this concept today, AB and Genuine Gore would be portrayed in a very different light! :)
For the contest this was submitted in proper script format, but I've completely reworked the formatting in hopes of making it more readable.
BOLD - Name of the character speaking
Italics - Stage directions (or proper title)
Normal - Lines being said
Please note that the entire story and all characters within it are cartoon animations unless otherwise designated.
CAST (in order of appearance):
SAM: Fourth-grade shapeshifter. Wears a blue hat with a red puffball and rim, a brown jacket with a red collar, and blue jeans.
BEELHY: Fourth-grade vampire. Wears an orange parka with a hood that wraps tightly around his face. BEELHY's manner of speaking is so overdramatic that it's nearly impossible for the audience to understand most of what he's saying, but the other characters always understand him.
ERIC NORTHMAN: Fourth-grade vampire. Wears an aqua blue hat with a yellow puff ball on top, yellow gloves and a red jacket. His body is short and wide.
QUINNY: Fourth-grade weretiger. Confined to a wheelchair and only able to say "Quinny" due to tragic injuries received while fighting in The Pits. Upper torso and head look like Mr. Clean, shriveled lower body.
NYAL: Fourth-grade fairy. Wears a bright green hunting cap and bright orange jacket with black trimmed pockets and dark green collar, dark green pants, and lime green mittens.
ANNA: A late 20s actress on the show Genuine Gore. Blonde hair that's clearly been dyed, wears a dress made from a kitchen tablecloth. (live action character)
STEPHEN: An early 40s actor on the show Genuine Gore. Dark brown hair, button-up, collared shirt, slacks with pleats in the front, baby powder caked onto his face, really bad haircut. (live action character)
ALEX: An early 30's actor on the show Genuine Gore. Very tall, well built, wears a black t-shirt, track pants and flip-flops. (live action character)
CARLENE HARES: Creator of SVM (Super Villain Murderer) which is the boys' favorite video game. Middle-aged woman with short curly hair.
ADAM BOUNCE: Creator of Genuine Gore, a TV show based on SVM. Middle-aged male with salt & pepper hair and a beard.
LORENA: Fourth-grade vampire.
CATALIADES: Fourth-grade demon.
LAFAYETTE: Chef at Elementary Dead. Darker skin than everyone else on the show, muscular build. Wears a red t-shirt, blue jeans, and a white chef's hat.
SOOKSOOK: Fourth-grade telepath. Wears an oversized Tweety bird t-shirt and low riding, lace-up Britney Spears style jeans. Has wavy blonde hair and big boobs. She is NYAL's cousin.
Open with the following disclaimer displayed for ten seconds:
ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS STORY –EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE—ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CELEBRITY CHARACTERS ARE IMPERSONATED. . . POORLY. THE FOLLOWING FANFICTION CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT IT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.
CUT TO:
INT - MONTAGE OF OPENING CREDITS – NIGHT
MALE SINGER: (singing) I'm going down to Bon Temps, gonna have ourselves a time,
SAM, NYAL, ERIC and BEELHY: (singing in near unison, though BEELHY's voice is unintelligible) Fanged faces everywhere, fairies, shifters and some weres.
MALE SINGER: Goin' down to Bon Temps, gonna leave my woes behind,
NORTHMAN: Gracious Plenty every night. People fixate on my pike.
MALE SINGER: Heading on up to Bon Temps, gonna see if I can't unwind,
BEELHY: (overdramatic to the point of being incomprehensible, actor should just mumble) Mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble. Mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble.
MALE SINGER: Come on down to Bon Temps and meet some friends of mine.
CUT TO:
INT. SAM'S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Intro music plays: DEWA DEWA DEWA DEWA DU.
SAM and BEELHY are sitting on a couch. As NORTHMAN enters from stage right:
NORTHMAN: Hey guys!
SAM, and BEELHY: (reluctantly and in near unison, but BEELHY is muffled) Hi Northman.
As QUINNY rides into the living room on his motorized wheelchair:
QUINNY: (said in a scratchy, but very excited and loud manner) QUINNY!
NORTHMAN, SAM, and BEELHY: (reluctantly and in near unison) Hi Quinny.
NORTHMAN: (excitedly) Did you guys hear? A new episode of Genuine Gore is premiering tonight! I've waited eight and a half months for the new season of this show!
BEELHY: (sounds like mumbling to audience due to BEEHLY's overdramatic manner of speech, but the characters hear him say) I love that show and would die for it.
NORTHMAN: (dismissively) Yeah, whatever Beehly. You'd die because a plant keeled over in front of you.
SAM: Where's Nyal?
NORTHMAN: Maybe his head got sliced off with an iron sword.
SAM: That's not a funny thing to joke about, Eric.
NORTHMAN: Who said I was joking?
NYAL enters from stage right:
NYAL: Hey guys. Guess what?
NORTHMAN: You drank a tall glass of lemonade?
NYAL: (annoyed) No.
SAM: (directed at NORTHMAN) Shut up, fatass.
NORTHMAN: I am not fat! (looks down at his body) I just haven't hit my growth spurt yet.
SAM: Vampires don't HAVE growth spurts, dumbass.
NORTHMAN: Well, vampires also don't mysteriously turn into fourth-grade cartoons, lose all their memories of a certain blonde telepath, attend elementary school, and hang out with shifters and fairies. So it's entirely plausible that I'm short and fat instead of tall and well-built because I'm not yet done growing. This is a parody, after all.
SAM, NYAL, QUINNY, and BEEHLY ignore NORTHMAN.
NYAL: My cousin, SookSook, just moved to Bon Temps!
QUINNY: (questioningly) Quinny?
NYAL: She's our age so she's going to be in our class.
QUINNY: (excitedly) QUINNY!
The other fourth-grade boys, SAM, BEEHLY and NORTHMAN don't seem particularly excited by news of a new girl moving to town.
NYAL: (shoots QUINNY a dubious look) Yeah, I don't think she goes for bald weretigers who overuse one word.
QUINNY: (downtrodden) Quinny.
QUINNY exits stage right. NORTHMAN has a smirk on his face as he watches QUINNY leave.
NORTHMAN: (looks at a wall clock) Guys! Guys! It's almost time for the season premiere of Genuine Gore!
NORTHMAN turns on the TV.
SAM: Nice! I'm so happy that they made a show based on my favorite video game!
NORTHMAN: Yeah, I know, this season should be totally awesome; I love the level it's based on.
SAM: My favorite character is the underdog who everyone thinks might just win in the end!
NORTHMAN: What! Someone actually thinks the character of Sam might win? That's the dumbest thing I've heard in my entire existence—and I'm a thousand year old vampire, so I've heard a LOT of dumb things. It's obvious Alex is going to win in the end. How could a video game that awesome finish without a badass character like Alex saving the telepath? Besides, after Alex has his turn with the arch villain who is holding the telepath captive, how could Sam even compare?
SAM: (grumpily) Whatever, Northman. Some people still have doubts.
NORTHMAN: Do any of those people actually want Sam to win?
SAM: (reluctantly) Well, no, not really.
NORTHMAN: (triumphantly, as if he won the greatest prize the world has to offer him) Well, then those people must just have anxiety disorders. (scoffing to himself) Being worried that Alex won't rescue the telepath. (to the rest of the boys) It's been foreshadowed since the very first level of the game! Every level has been moving closer and closer to that ending. In fact, the newest level all but says outright that Alex is the one who will trigger the "Happily Ever After" screenshot. (pauses) Man, I can't wait for the last three levels to be released.
BEELHY: Ah am convinced Stephen will win.
NORTHMAN, SAM, and NYAL burst out in laughter.
BEELHY: (said so melodramatically it isn't even comprehensible to the audience, but he may be saying) Clearly, this is all just an Odysseus-like venture, and in the end, the winner of the first level will be triumphant!
NORTHMAN, SAM, and NYAL are now laughing so hard they're literally rolling on the floor.
As NORTHMAN gets control of himself:
NORTHMAN: Oh, oh gosh. That was a good one, Beehly. I actually believed that you meant that for a moment.
SAM, and NYAL finally are able to calm down and stop laughing.
BEEHLY points out a pin he's wearing that says "Stephen Lover".
BEELHY: Ah do!
NYAL: (while staring at BEEHLY in disbelief) I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
NORTHMAN: Shh! Shh! Shh! Genuine Gore started!
All the boys watch the television intently.
CUT TO CLIP OF GENUINE GORE:
Scene and all characters within GENUINE GORE are live action.
INT – ANNA's Bedroom – NIGHT
ANNA is crying because she can't find her favorite pair of jeans. STEPHEN has to comfort her. They get all gooey-kissyface on each other.
ANNA: (in the same voice one would use when talking to a baby) Oh, Stephen, I love you so very, very, very much!
STEPHEN: (baby talking) That may be, but ah love yew more!
ANNA: (baby talking) No, I love you more! I love you so much that I rarely think for myself and I never question what you tell me.
STEPHEN: (baby talking) Ah love yew more! Ah love yew so much that ah walked under the sun for a full five minutes, risking final death, just so ah could point at yew.
Suddenly ALEX bursts into ANNA's bedroom and starts violently shredding ANNA's comforter and pillows.
ALEX: (screaming) There is absolutely no reason for me to be doing this! The producers just want to make sure you know I am evil!
CUT TO:
INT. SAM'S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
NORTHMAN: WHAT! What the (BLEEP) is going on?
NYAL: (bored) What are you so upset about, Northman?
NORTHMAN leaps from couch and runs up to the TV set.
NORTHMAN: Don't you see this! Alex is supposed to have blond hair! LONG! BLOND! HAIR! (points to actor's hair on the TV screen) Does it look like Alex has long blond hair? I don't think so! That's it. I'm going to find the creator of Genuine Gore and he will pay for this nefariousness!
SAM: (shrugs) I kind of like the changes Genuine Gore made. The character Sam gets way more attention than he did in the game.
NORTHMAN: God dammit! God dammit! God dammit! Don't you see, Sam? They've taken the very essence of our favorite game and violated the fans' sacred trust. (even louder and with even greater conviction) They blind-sided us. I can just see the creator of Genuine Gore now, laughing while blood gushes out of SVM's fresh knife wounds. I can picture Adam Bounce reveling in the feeling of his silver-capped teeth sinking into the soft fleshy parts of our beloved SVM. And it's as though he used magic and the fae realm to kidnap SVM to a horrible place. A horrible place like Arkansas. (pauses) No, Sam, we cannot let them get away with this. We must find the creator of Genuine Gore and show him the error of his ways. Not just for us, not just for the fans of SVM, but for the fans of Genuine Gore. They deserve to see the wonderful game that SVM is. I've read on Genuine Gore online fan forums that some of them don't even want to play SVM. They think it will ruin the show for them. They think the game isn't good enough. They think… (ERIC shudders) They think Stephen is the hero in SVM.
BEELHY: (overdramatically, it isn't completely clear, but he may be saying) That's because clearly he is! He is by far the noblest, most loving—
NORTHMAN ignores BEEHLY and turns towards NYAL and SAM.
BEEHLY and NORTHMAN speak over one another:
BEELHY: (CON'T) —most perfect video game hero that has ever been created!
NORTHMAN: What about you two? Are you going to help me rid the world of the cankerous sore that is the cancer eating away at all that is good and right with the world?
SAM: (ignoring BEEHLY) I still think it's pretty good. Plus lots more people have played SVM since Genuine Gore first aired. I like both.
NYAL: (ignoring BEEHLY) Nah, I think instead I'm going to go swimming in my room full of gold coins and jewels.
NORTHMAN: (mutters) (BLEEP)ing fairies. Fine. I guess I'm on my own. Don't worry, when the world is free of this worse-than-people-thinking-all-fans-of-vampire-series-believe-in-sparkling-sexless-vampires atrocity and I'm being lauded as hero of the world, I will be sure to not mention any of you.
As NYAL pats his pants pocket:
NYAL: Hey, where's my gold pocket watch? (looks like he just remembered something) Goddammit, Northman! Why'd you have to do that?
NORTHMAN: (feigns an innocent look) Do what, Nyal?
NYAL: Fence my pocket watch.
As NORTHMAN hands NYAL a small wad of cash:
NORTHMAN: What? Don't all fairies like money? You are a fairy, aren't you, Nyal? I thought you'd appreciate the extra income.
NYAL: I hate you, vampire.
NORTHMAN: (shrugs) That's to be expected.
CUT TO:
[Scene REDACTED by author- will be edited and re-added at a later date.]
CUT TO:
EXT –Elementary Dead– NIGHT
Sign with "Bon Temps Elite Elementary School" is in the forefront while school building can be seen in the background.
CUT TO:
INT - Elementary Dead – NIGHT
QUINNY, NYAL, SAM, and BEELHY are sitting in the first row of the classroom. There's an empty desk next to NYAL. LORENA is seated at a desk directly behind the empty desk. CATALIADES is seated in the back corner and the camera view doesn't allow the audience to even see all of his face. LAFAYETTE is standing at the front of the classroom.
School bell RINGS.
LAFAYETTE: Alright, children, settle down. Your teacher, Mr. Andy Bellefleur, is out sick today.
BEEHLY: Woo hoo!
LAFAYETTE: (quietly, to himself) (BLEEP)er couldn't be bothered to take some aspirin after spending all night drinking at Merlotte's. (loudly to class) Today we have a new student joining the class.
The door to the classroom opens and SOOKSOOK walks in.
LAFAYETTE: (CON'T) Alright, SookSook, is there anything about yourself you'd like to share with the class?
SOOKSOOK shakes her head quickly while grinning so widely it looks like she's going to crack her face in half. As she starts walking to the empty desk next to NYAL:
LAFAYETTE: (CON'T) Well, alright then, just have a seat and we'll start on today's in-class exercise. Your assignment today is to successfully win the heart of a man or woman.
SOOKSOOK: (nervously, while raising her hand) Excuse me, Mr. Lafayette?
LAFAYETTE: Yes, SookSook? And you can just call me Lafayette.
SOOKSOOK: Well, Lafayette, please excuse me if I sound presumptuous, but that doesn't sound like a real school assignment.
LAFAYETTE: Goddammit, children, why do I always have to be the one to teach you these things? It doesn't sound real enough to you? Love, sex and romance are the realest things in this world. Do you really want to end up a 25 year old virgin?
SOOKSOOK regards LAFAYETTE with skepticism but she puts down her hand.
LAFAYETTE: (CON'T) Now, you have many wooing techniques to choose from. I've written just a few of my favorites on the board. (yanks down on a projector screen so it will roll up, revealing a chalkboard overflowing with tiny writing too small to read) Alright, children, get busy!
SAM walks over to NYAL.
SAM: Move it, Nyal. I'm going to sit next to your cousin.
NYAL: Fine by me! I'm going to find a girl to whom I'm not related for this assignment.
SAM sits next to SOOKSOOK, but her back is turned to SAM.
SAM: (to SOOKSOOK) Do you want to go out with me?
SOOKSOOK is watching BEEHLY walk up to her and she apparently doesn't hear SAM.
BEELHY: Ah refuse to apologize for what yew have awakened in me. Yew are my miracle. Ah love yew, and for that ah shall never feel sorry.
SOOKSOOK: (looking shocked) Are you talking to me? Are you trying to ask me out? No one ever asks me out.
As SOOKSOOK places her hands over BEEHLY's face:
SAM: (a little hurt) Actually, I just asked you out.
SOOKSOOK doesn't notice SAM and responds to BEEHLY instead:
SOOKSOOK: (shocked) I can't hear you!
SAM and BEEHLY speak over one another:
BEELHY: AH REFUSE TO APOLOGIZE FO WHAT YEW HAVE AWAKENED IN ME. YEW ARE MY MIRACLE. AH LOVE YEW, AND FO THAT AH SHALL NEVER FEEL SORRY.
SAM: I JUST ASKED YOU OUT. DO YOU WANT TO GO OUT WITH ME?
SOOKSOOK still doesn't seem to notice Sam's yelling or even that SAM is sitting right next to her. Instead SOOKSOOK focuses on BEEHLY's melodramatic voice:
SOOKSOOK: No, that's not what I mean. (SOOKSOOK pulls away from BEEHLY and examines him) You're a vampire, aren't you?
BEELHY: Ah am VAMPIRE!
SOOKSOOK: Wow. I've never met a vampire before, that must be why I can't read your thoughts!
SAM: Well, I'm a shapeshifter, can you hear my thoughts?
SOOKSOOK: (ignores SAM) Hmmm. . . I suppose I could sit with you for a while. This is all very new to me, I've never done this before!
NORTHMAN enters the classroom. SOOKSOOK looks over to the door as it SLAMS shut loudly.
BEELHY: Oh, yew noticed him, did yew?
SOOKSOOK: (shocked) What? No. It's not like that! The door—
BEELHY: (overdramatically but if the audience listens very closely they'll hear) It's okay. Everybody does. That's Eric. He's the asshole-iest thing in this room.
SOOKSOOK just nods a little, not really sure what to do.
BEEHLY: So, will yew be MINE?
SOOKSOOK: Um… Well, I'm no one's but my own, really. But for the purposes of this assignment… I guess I cou—
BEEHLY turns to LORENA who is sitting in the desk directly behind SOOKSOOK.
SOOKSOOK (CON'T) —ld say that.
BEEHLY: (to LORENA) Ah will always love yew, yew will always own ma heart. Will yew be with me?
SOOKSOOK: What the (BLEEP)?
At the front of the classroom, NORTHMAN is knocked on the head by LAFAYETTE with a witch's wand.
LAFAYETTE: That's what you get for being late to class, Eric!
As NORTHMAN looks around with wide, scared, eyes, SOOKSOOK stands up and approaches him. SAM trails after SOOKSOOK:
SOOKSOOK: Eric!
NORTHMAN: (terrified) Do you know me?
SOOKSOOK: (confused) Well, no, we've never met before, but Beehly told me your name.
NORTHMAN: (desperate) You know my name?
SOOKSOOK looks around the room as if she's searching for a Candid Camera or the Punk'd film crew.
SOOKSOOK: Uh, yeah. It's Eric, I already said that. Look, I don't know what kind of stunt you're trying to pull here, but this isn't a particularly funny joke. I'm the new kid, and I'm feeling pretty high-strung right about now.
NORTHMAN: What is your name, woman?
SOOKSOOK: (frowning) Sooksook.
NORTHMAN: Thank you, Sooksook, for telling me my name.
SOOKSOOK looks befuddled, suddenly NORTHMAN leans over and kisses SOOKSOOK passionately.
SOOKSOOK: (surprised) That was. . . .Wow. That was—
LAFAYETTE bonks NORTHMAN on the head with his wand again. LAFAYETTE and SOOKSOOK talk over one another:
LAFAYETTE: No cheating, Eric, you have to be in fourth-grader parody mode.
SOOKSOOK: —absolutely amazing. (pauses) Could we kiss again?
NORTHMAN stares at SOOKSOOK with wide eyes.
NORTHMAN: Why would I kiss you? Girls have cooties! Who are you anyways? Am I in Mr. Bellefleur's class?
NORTHMAN walks away from SOOKSOOK, getting his bearings. SOOKSOOK watches him leave with a look of utter bewilderment. SAM is still standing next to SOOKSOOK:
SAM: So. About that date, I am free this Saturday.
SOOKSOOK doesn't hear SAM as QUINNY rolls his loud motorized wheelchair to a stop in front of SOOKSOOK.
QUINNY: (tentatively) Quinny?
SOOKSOOK: Ah. . . No, I'm not Quinny. I'm SookSook.
QUINNY: (as suavely as he can manage) Quinny.
SOOKSOOK: (frustrated) No. My name's not Quinny, it's SookSook. Call me by my name!
QUINNY: (enthusiastically and even triumphantly) QUINNY!
NORTHMAN finally seems to know where he is.
SOOKSOOK: (frustrated) I think it's time for you to leave.
QUINNY: QUINNY!
SOOKSOOK: Would someone please get this tiger away from me?
NORTHMAN: (confidently and full of swagger) With pleasure.
NORTHMAN lifts up QUINNY with his wheelchair and hurls him out the window.
SOOKSOOK: (taken aback) Well, that was just about the very Word-of-the-Day-definition of overkill.
NORTHMAN preens. SAM notices that there's a flaking, headless corpse in an orange coat right by the window through which QUINNY was flung:
SAM: Oh my god! He killed Beehly!
NYAL: You bastard!
LAFAYETTE: (annoyed) Well, it's clear that Northman has completed the assignment, unlike the rest of you children.
SAM: I can't believe this. Don't you people see what's going on? I'm the one who's been by her side this entire time! I should totally win the assignment and SookSook!
NORTHMAN: (arrogantly) I guess my gracious qualities are simply too good for a girl to turn down, Sam.
LAFAYETTE: Don't be a sore loser, Sam. Nobody wants to (BLEEP) a sore loser. (to NORTHMAN) Eric, you get a prize. Would you prefer a bottle of Royalty Blend or an autographed photo of Adam Bounce?
NORTHMAN: (shocked and appalled) An autographed photo of Adam Bounce? Why would you bring such a plague-ridden relic into our classroom? Do you want us to all die as dumbed-down television viewers who never play video games?
ADAM BOUNCE glides into the classroom from stage right:
ADAM BOUNCE: Hmmm. I heard my name. I hope you are speaking well of me.
NORTHMAN: Why would I? You raped my favorite video game and its creator! (pauses) God dammit! God dammit! God dammit! This can't be happening! This must all be a bad dream. I snapped your neck, Adam Bounce! How can you still be alive?
ADAM BOUNCE: You didn't think a mere human could put together the vileness that is Genuine Gore, did you? I am a demon, you see. But I'm not just any demon. I'm not like your Cataliades. (points at CATALIADES, who is still sitting in a desk at the back corner of the classroom) I'm god, dumb-dumb. People call me all kinds of things, the horned god, Dionysus, Satan…
NORTHMAN, NYAL, SAM, CATALIADES, LAFAYETTE, and LORENA all immediately pounce on ADAM BOUNCE and tear him to bits. After a moment's reflection, SOOKSOOK shrugs and joins in on decimating the Devil. Once he's destroyed, all the characters are covered in blood and gore.
SAM: Maybe what we all need to take away from all of this is to remember that video games and fictional shows can be a fun escape from the drudgery of our boring, everyday lives, but they shouldn't be taken too seriously. Whether you're a StephenLover, or Team Alex, we can all enjoy the gratuitous blood, sex, and violence of both Super Villain Murderer and Genuine Gore.
NORTHMAN looks down at ADAM BOUNCE (aka Satan)'s shredded corpse then looks back up at SAM:
NORTHMAN: (in disbelief) You've got to be (BLEEP)ing kidding me.
ROLL CREDITS.
A/N - *cue pitiful begging* Please, please, please review! If you have constructive criticism on why you didn't like it, I'd love to hear it. If you laughed your ass off, I'd love to hear it.
I'm willing to offer any bribe that will secure reviews.
Do you want a funny TB!Jason quote? Done. An SVM!Eric quote? You got it. A South Park quote? I've also got those in spades. An Aristotelian quote from the "Ethics"? I'm your girl. Heck, I'd even send a Plato quote even though I'm not a fan. An animated gif or screencap of the Skars, or a funny motivational-style jpg? I could send links to those too. Just tell me what you want! *goes off to corner and waits with a sad puppy-dog face*