A/N: So this is just a random oneshot I wrote the other day. It was inspired by something my friend Alex and I were talking about, so I'll spare a few thanks for him. I really like this, and I'm hoping people actually read it. My RS fics don't seem to get much traffic...
Just so you know, Kina Kalamari is not me. She started out as me in my story Secrets of the Barrows Brothers, but she sort of ended up as her own character: a somewhat insane, very kooky reporter. Just a bit of character backstory for you there.
Disclaimer: All RuneScape characters and places and whatnot belong to JaGex. I do own the crazy Kina Kalamari though.
As a reporter of RuneScape, it is my duty to delve into the darkest parts of the land of Gielinor and find stories that no other soul would be brave enough to discover. Today, I have made my way through the Underground Pass to converse with a well-known mage by the name of Iban about his rather controversial past.
Kina Kalamari: So, Iban, my first question…Do you have a last name?
Iban: No. Why?
KK: So I can abbreviate your name at the beginning of each of your answers like people do in interviews.
Iban: Oh. Sorry. No last name.
KK: Right, you'll just be I, then. So…What's it like, living down here?
I: Well…it's dark. And kinda drafty. And there are a lot of dead things.
KK: Do you like it, as a home?
I: I…um…Not really. I never see the sun. It's horror for my complexion.
KK: Your complexion?
I: Yeah…but I don't actually really care about that. That's just what the last reporter told me.
KK: There have been other reporters down here? Why haven't we heard the stories?
I: Uh…they didn't really make it out…
KK: …Oh.
I: I'm sorry. Did I scare you?
KK: Oh, no. I'm not really scared of other peoples' horrible, awful, dreadfully scary deaths. Besides, I brought a Varrock Teleport. I'm not worried about making it out.
I: Good for you.
KK: Thanks. So, back to the interview…You don't know who your mother is, correct?
I: Right.
KK: How does that make you feel?
I: I thought you were a reporter, not a psychiatrist.
KK: Oh, sorry. Is it a touchy subject for you, then?
I: I do generally prefer not to talk about it. It makes me sad.
KK: I see. You do know who your father is, though, am I right?
I: Yes. It's Zamorak.
KK: Right…so how does it feel, being the son of a god?
I: I dunno. I've never been anything else, so I can't compare. I'm stronger than an average human, better at magic. It's kind of cool, I guess.
KK: So you prefer being half-god to being fully human?
I: Um…didn't I just say that I've never been human and can't compare?
KK: Oh, right. Sorry. I was following my questions list.
I: …
KK: Right, so, um…How can you be sure that Zamorak is your father?
I: Because he came up to me one day when I was five and said, "Iban, I am your father."
KK: …Really?
I: No.
KK: Oh. So how do you know he's your father?
I: I…I just do, you know? It's like, I see pictures of him and stuff, and I'm just like, that guy's my dad. I can feel it.
KK: I…see. And is there any evidence to support this…feeling?
I: Not really. He's never denied it, so that's something.
KK: Have you ever met him?
I: … … …No. Not in person.
KK: Interesting. But you know you're his son?
I: Yes. Definitely.
KK: And you've never gotten this feeling of recognition with any females in RuneScape? You don't even have any theories about your mother?
I: Not really. I had some theories about Hetty the Witch, but then I realized it was just because her examine says that she's a "motherly witch", and I can't really see her hooking up with Zamorak, so…yeah…I don't know.
KK: I see. Who could you see hooking up with Zamorak?
I: Well, there's this one lady named Enakhra who's somewhat in love with him…but she's a Mahjarrat.
KK: So?
I: So I'm half-human. She can't be my mother.
KK: Ah. So you really have no clue.
I: Nope.
KK: What's that like for you?
I: Oh…I don't know. Sad. Depressing. I mean, I should know my own mother, right? But I've managed without her, whoever she is.
KK: And kudos to you for it.
I: Thanks.
KK: Well, thanks for the interview. I should get going. I have a few more stops today.
I: Oh. Thanks for visiting. It's nice having someone to talk to. I don't get that much.
KK: You're welcome. Maybe I'll come back someday.
I: That'd be nice.
KK: Bye!
And that was that. But I knew I didn't have the full story yet. Iban's past was a dark, mysterious thing, full of uncertainties. As a very curious person, I felt it was my duty to get the entire scoop on this enigma.
So, naturally, I found one of the few other people who could help me unravel this.
KK: Hello. I'm Kina Kalamari. Could I have a few minutes of your time for an interview?
Zamorak: What? You're a reporter?
KK: Yes. I'm doing a story on Iban, and I have a few questions for you.
Z: Do you now? Well, I'm not interested. I don't even know what you'd want to be talking to me for anyway.
KK: Guthix isn't here. I told him there was a group of people in Karamja that were trying to set fire to a bunch of trees. We have complete privacy.
Z: Oh, well, in that case…I suppose I can spare some time.
KK: Excellent! My first question is simple…Is Iban really your son?
Z: Simple? You call that simple?
KK: Shouldn't it be?
Z: Well, that depends…I s'pose I generally consider him my son, but I can't say that I have any proof that he really is. He has traits that I like to think he got from me, but that doesn't mean he did.
KK: Wow. This is even more twisted than I thought. Iban seems to think that he knows he's your son. He says that he just has a feeling that you're his dad. He seems pretty sure of it.
Z: Really? I'm flattered.
KK: So, if he is your son, who's his mother?
Z: Ah…you did start with the simple one, didn't you?
KK: I warned you.
Z: Yes…I don't know who his mother is. There have been a lot of women in my life, and I really don't know which of them could have been the one you're talking about.
KK: Well, let's narrow it down…She had to be human.
Z: Obviously. That basically just cuts out Enakhra and a couple vampires.
KK: Oh…
Z: Exactly.
KK: So is there anyone in all of RuneScape who can actually tell me who Iban's mother is?
Z: Well…not that I can think of.
KK: There aren't any witches with spells, or all-knowing oracles, or anything?
Z: Don't ask me.
KK: Aren't you a god?
Z: Yeah. What's your point?
And after that, I got no more useful information out of Zamorak, though I did have more, somewhat frustrating, conversation with him. I politely excused myself, and continued on my journey to learn the exact details of Iban's birth. It was starting to seem hopeless, but I persisted. I asked around, and I discovered that there was indeed an Oracle who resided atop Ice Mountain. People told me not to get my hopes up, as she was usually vague and cryptic, but I went anyway. My questions needed answering.
KK: Um…hi. I'm Kina Kalamari and I was wondering if you could answer a few questions for me. It won't take long…
Oracle: Yes, I can, but I'm not going to.
KK: Please? I promise they'll be quick.
O: If you insist. Tell me your problems.
KK: I'm trying to find out who Iban's parents are. Do you know anything about that?
O: If you want your questions answered, don't ask unanswerable questions.
KK: Ah…So you don't know anything?
O: I know that Iban believes he is the son of Zamorak. I know that Zamorak believes that as well. I know enough to believe that this it the truth. I know that Enakhra wishes that Iban was her son. I know nothing of Iban's true birth mother, and I cannot absolutely confirm his father, though I would agree that Zamorak is the most likely candidate, and do in fact believe that myself. Is this helpful?
KK: Well…a little. I knew most of that, but you've confirmed one suspicion, and your belief in Zamorak being the father is helpful.
O: Good. Are you leaving now?
As much as the visit with the Oracle didn't really help much, I felt a little more hopeful after I left her, despite the fact that I only had one more person on my list, and they probably didn't know much.
KK: Hello, I'm Kina Kalamari. Can you spare some time for a small interview?
Enakhra: Depends. What's it for?
KK: Just my own purposes.
E: Fine. Ask away.
KK: What do you know of Iban?
E: That he's most likely Zamorak's kid, and that I'm not his mother.
KK: I've heard that's a matter of great displeasure on your part.
E: Whatever. I've gotten over it.
KK: Really?
E: Yeah, mostly…Can we get off this topic, please?
KK: Um…yeah. Sure. Do you know anything else about Iban?
E: No. Do you?
KK: A little. He's sad that he doesn't know who his mom is. I was hoping that maybe I could find out for him. You're sure you don't know anything?
E: Yes, I'm sure! And just for the record, if he was my kid, I wouldn't have abandoned him like that.
KK: I'm sure you wouldn't have. Do you have any theories as to why his mother might have left him?
E: Maybe she couldn't feed him. Maybe she didn't like kids. Maybe she died. Maybe she misplaced him. Maybe she found another guy and didn't want the reminder that she'd stolen my one true love. Maybe she got sick. Maybe she sold him for money to pay her rent. Maybe-
KK: Yes, I think I get the idea. There are a lot of possible reasons.
E: Yeah.
KK: Well, if you don't have anything else to add…?
E: Not really.
KK: I'll be going then. Thanks for your time.
This wasn't helpful. I was no closer to finding out who Iban's mother was than when I'd left the Underground Pass. I had lost the brief hopeful feeling the Oracle had given me, and I didn't know where to go from here. So I headed home to Falador, wishing that I had been able to uncover more.
But at least I'd made the effort, and maybe someday, the truth would come out. Iban's mom would show her face again, and Iban would be happy. Or something.
Or maybe she never would, and no one would ever know the truth. But if you're reading this, feel free to make your own conclusions, or even continue my work. Good luck!
A/N: Okay, so I don't really like the last couple paragraphs, but you can formulate your own opinions on that. If anyone's actually reading this.
Reviews are much appreciated. They make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. =)