Disclaimer: I don't own Dead Poets Society. I wish Charlie owned me.

A/N: I've been working on this idea for months and I've finally gotten around to actually doing something about it. Now I just hope I can stick to it. In case anyone was wondering, the title is an old mnemonic based on the first letter of the Latin word for each of the sins. As always, enjoy and if you have a moment, review!

Todd is jealous.

It's the worst part of his personality and he knows it. It trumps him being shy and closed off and unable to speak up for himself. It's something he can't control and a lot of the time, there's not even a specific trigger or cause. It's more of an omnipresent thing, constantly weighing heavily on the back of his mind.

He can't recall ever having met someone he didn't envy. He has the ability to pick out the best qualities in people and while he comes to admire them, he also resents them because he can't quite find them in himself. There's always something they have that he doesn't. Confidence and poise and intelligence and courage- everything he wants and everything he knows he'll never have.

He'd always wanted to be more like his brother who was seemingly perfect in everyone else's eyes. Todd wanted to be able to stand out like he did and please his parents like he did and have people admire him like he did. He had wanted to use Welton as a fresh start- a chance to finally break out and become the person he'd always hoped he could be. Instead, stepping through the gates equated to stepping farther into his brother's shadow. Todd couldn't go anywhere or do anything without being compared to Jeffery and he'd never felt more invisible in his entire life. Sometimes, it was as if he didn't even exist.

When they're all together, Todd looks around at the rest of the poets- his closest friends- and wonders exactly what it is that they see in him. He's nothing like the rest of them and he can't even begin to understand why they'd want him to be a part of their group.

He's not free-spirited like Charlie.

He's not brave like Knox.

He's not intelligent like Meeks.

He's not easygoing like Pitts.

He's not moral like Cameron.

And then there's Neil and he's certainly not anything like Neil.

Neil is the embodiment of everything Todd has ever wanted to be and Todd both loves and hates him for it. He's outgoing and vivacious and exceptionally bright and Todd has only found a handful of things about Neil that are less than perfect but he admires those things too.

He can't stand Neil's constant pushing and prodding and attempts to get him to break out of his shell because every time that happens, he's inadvertently reminded that he's never going to be anything like Neil despite both of their best attempts to make that happen and it just makes him absolutely livid.

But he never stops to think about those people he envies and the characteristics that they see in him that they know they lack in themselves.

Todd is sensitive and kind and he'll always listen, even though he doesn't always say much, and everyone who knows him appreciates the solid support he provides. He's steady and unwavering- considered by most to be an enviable quality.

Though Todd is too blinded by want to see them, he does possess the qualities he seeks.

And maybe one day, instead of searching through others, he'll be able to search through himself.