A Misérable Spoof
I actually started writing this over April Vacation but I didn't have an account then, so I'm finally giving a try at writing parodies.
If you're one of those people who reads parodies and says "This destroys all things beautiful that is Les Misérables! HUGO IS WEEPING FOR YOU!", than this is not the fic for you. Sorry. So, um, don't take this seriously...
It's a parody of 75% Musical, 22% Book, and 3% Other. I'm pointing out a lot of the differences from the book and musical. I really wasn't sure whether to post this in the Les Mis-Musicals section, or the Les Mis-books section, but I thought in the musicals-section, a lot of people wouldn't get all the book-references.
By the way characters are sort of aware that they are in a musical.
Enjoy!
DISCLAIMER-Les Misérables the novel belongs to Victor Hugo, Les Misérables the Musical belongs to Boubil and Schonberg. I don't claim to be any of them.
PROLOUGE: Toulon and Digne 1815
*curtains rise, the orchestra begins to play really loud music*
*The BISHOP walks on stage*
DIRECTOR: What-who are you?
BISHOP: I'm the Bishop of Digne, I'm here for my sixty pages about my lovely deeds and soul.
DIRECTOR: Uh, yeah, this is the MUSICAL. You didn't get the memo, did you? We cut you to one little scene and then you pretty much get erased from the whole show never to be seen again.
BISHOP: Not even in the Finale?
DIRECTOR: Nope. Sorry, you've been replaced there.
BISHOP: *leaves sadly*
DIRECTOR: Okay, finally on with the real show.
FANS OF THE BOOK: *glare at DIRECTOR*
*orchestra starts again*
CHAIN GANG: uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh
More and more uh-uh-uh-uhs!
LOOK DOWN! LOOK DOWN!
AND SING THE SAME OLD SONG!
LOOK DOWN! LOOK DOWN!
WHY'S IT THREE HOURS LONG?
CONVICT1: THIS SONG JUST SUCKS!
JUST LIKE THE (BLEEPING) SHOW!
OTHERS: SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
THERE'S TWO MORE ACTS TO GO!
CONVICT 2: I HATE THIS SHOW!
OH GOSH, WHY'D I TRY OUT?
OTHERS: SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
BE QUIET AND DON'T POUT!
CONVICT 3: I KNOW WE'RE GREAT,
JUST THINK IT COULD BE FUN!
AUDIENCE: aw…look, he's cheerful!
OTHERS: *roll eyes* SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
HURRY UP AND GET DONE!
JAVERT: *walks onstage*
JAVERT FANGIRLS: *squealing* WHOOOOO! WE LOVE YOU SNOOKUMS!
JAVERT: NOW BRING ME PRISONER 24601!
YOUR TIME IS UP AND-
VALJEAN: FINALLY! What's it been, 19 years?
JAVERT: Well, maybe if *someone* didn't try to escape so many times, he would have gotten out sooner.
VALJEAN: But I had to go back to my starving family!
JAVERT: Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you stole the bread.
VALJEAN: But, you see-
JAVERT: No "but's" mister!
YOU GET YOUR YELLOW TICKET OF LEAVE!
We ran out of white paper.
VALJEAN: *raises hand* May I eat it?
JAVERT: What? No!
VALJEAN: But the prison food sucks! I didn't eat anything in the past nineteen years! I was sick of-
OTHERS: GRUEEEEEEEEEL! EVERYDAY WE-
JAVERT: *yells at convicts* WRONG MUSICAL/BOOK THING!
*to VALJEAN* Now whose fault is that?
VALJEAN: Okay, can I just leave now?
JAVERT: No! I need to sing once more!
DO NOT FORGET MY NAME,
DO NOT FORGET ME!
2-
VALJEAN: How could I forget a name like Javert? Seriously, shouldn't you spell it Zhavair? Your-
JAVERT: *angry* IT'S FRENCH!
VALJEAN: Well, this is America. We speak American.
JAVERT: *facepalm* 24601!
VALJEAN: MY NAME IS-
JAVERT: *really angry* JUST GO NOW!
VALJEAN: *walks out* Sheesh, man!
ON PAROLE:
VALJEAN: FREEDOM IS MINE!
Haha! See Javert, this is America!
THE EARTH IS STILL!
I FEEL THE WIND,
I BREATHE AGAIN!
THE SKY CLEARS! Aw…pretty sky!
THE WORLD IS WAKING!
VILLAGER 1: Good morning sunshine! Earth says 'hello'!
AUDIENCE: this musical seems to be optimistic!
SOMEONE WHO KNOWS THE PLOT: Just wait and see…
VALJEAN: DRINK FROM THE POOL,
*spits water out* EW! What's in this? I feel an extra arm sprouting!
VILLAGER 2: Well, where did you expect us to dump our unused drugs?
VALJEAN: okay, this is defiantly America…
UNCLEAN THE TASTE!
NEVER FORGET THE YEARS,
THE WASTE
VILLAGER 3: Yeah, that's in the water too.
VALJEAN: Great…
NOR FORGIVE THEM,
FOR WHAT THEY'VE DONE,
THEY ARE THE GUILTY,
EVERYONE!
THE DAY BEGINS
AND NOW LET'S SEE
WHAT THIS NEW WORLD-
ÉPONINE: *popping out of no where* A WHOLE NEW WORLD!
A NEW FANTASTIC-*
EVERYONE: *stares*
ÉPONINE: * hasn't been born yet, so-POOF!*
VALJEAN: now back to me…
WILL DO FOR ME…
*looks for work*
EVERYONE: *rejects him*
VALJEAN: which is apparently nothing…*sees BISHOP* Hey you, can I stay with you even though they cut the kind woman who points your little house out to me, which makes no sense at all now because I've been soured on religion/clergy/authority in general, so can I stay?
BISHOP:*with no emotion at all* Sure.
VALJEAN: Er…aren't you supposed to sing and be all warm and fuzzy about it?
BISHOP: Yeah well, I'm also supposed to have a whole chapter and a real story, but that doesn't happen either.
VALJEAN: …but I like the singing…
BISHOP: *sighs* Fine…
COME IN SIR FOR YOU ARE WEARY…
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, WORDS, BLAH, ETC.
You get the point.
VALJEAN: *eats voraciously*
BISHOP: I mean, I was great…I had my sister, my maid, now they're just in the background. My story about my family, I even had a wife once…and G-! They cut G-! I was with him when he died! I MISS G-! *cries*
VALJEAN: *not listening* Ooooh! Candlesticks! SHINY!
BISHOP: And that amoral senator, my meeting with Napoleon, which would make that Marius happy…
VALJEAN: *Starts twitching with anger*
BISHOP: My gift of my home to the hospital, traveling to that bandit filled mountain to give mass…
VALJEAN: *steals candles*
BISHOP: *still lamenting*
VALJEAN: *very loud* TOOK MY FLIIIIIIGHT! (That's a great way to not get caught)*
BISHOP: *goes to his garden*
VALJEAN: *is caught*
OFFICER: TELL HIS REVERENCE YOUR-
BISHOP: *still angry* NO! HE DIDN'T STEAL! HERE'S THE REST!
OFFICER: Gosh, no need to get all pissy about it. *leaves*
VALJEAN: Wow, man, thanks! I owe you one!
BISHOP: No. You owe God one.
I HAVE BOUGHT YOUR SOUL FOR GOD…
VALJEAN: Oh. *starts to feel guilty*
PETIT GREVAIS: *is cut*
VALJEAN: *feels even guiltier because of the fact that the child that he stole from didn't get a part in the musical*
WHAT HAVE I DONE?
VILLAGER 1: Well, first you stole bread.
VILLAGER 2: Then you stole from the Bishop.
VILLAGER 3: And then you-
VALJEAN: *annoyed* THANK YOU CAPTAINS OBVIOUS!
*starts to sing again*
WHY DID I ALLOW THAT MAN
TO TOUCH MY SOUL
AND TEACH ME LOVE?
VILLAGER 4: Because he got you a 'get-out-of-jail-free-card'?
VALJEAN: *really ticked off* Okay, you know what, crazy random villagers? I'm, just going to skip to ripping up my parole ticket which is a metaphor for ripping out of my past life and into a new world.
ÉPONINE:*pops up again* -A WHOLE NEW-*POOF! Again*
VALJEAN: *rips ticket*
VILLAGER 5: You really should have just recycled that!
VALJEAN: *really angry now* WILL YOU ALL SHUT UP?
(PS-If you didn't get the Éponine popping out of no where randomly singing "A Whole New World" from Aladdin, it's because Lea Salonga (1992 Broadway replacement Éponine, TAC Éponine, Revival Replacement Fantine, and soon to be Twenty-Fifth anniversary concert Fantine) was the singing voice of Jasmine is Aladdin...which I don't own)
Nor do I own Oliver!
So tell me what you think so far!
*Okay, so I've seen the really load flights/run/one's in every parody, so do I need to give credit to all the other parody writers.