Author's Note: I've been a huge Glee fan since the show started, but I never had any urge to write fanfiction for it until Jesse joined the show. Although I was Team Finn at first, I must admit I absolutely love Rachel/Jesse. (I hate the ending the writers on the show gave him - they should've at least gotten a little closure after the egging incident. I hope Lea Michele's right and he's coming back eventually.)

This story is a future-fic, although the first couple of chapters are more present-day. This one is insanely long, and covers the events that happened in "Journey", with a few added bits that I think should've been there. Hope you like it!

Chapter One

"Hello?"

"Meet me out in the parking lot."

She wasn't quite sure why she even picked up the phone in the first place, after what Vocal Adrenaline did. But even though he left New Directions without a word to rejoin their rival team, callously ended their relationship in front of both choirs, and intimidated them all into thinking they had no chance at Regionals with "Another One Bites the Dust" (could Vocal Adrenaline have been more obvious with their song choice?), some part of Rachel still wanted to believe that Jesse wasn't just a jerk and a really good actor. That the guy she'd fallen for (and fallen hard) still existed.

So she went to the parking lot, not thinking that this could be anything but an apology, or at least, an explanation.

Jesse was still in his blue and black outfit from "Another One Bites the Dust". He smiled when he saw her heading towards him, and that little smile was enough to make Rachel – who normally loathed all physical activity except for dancing, which didn't really count – start running towards him. She could almost feel his arms around her, pulling her against his body for a crushing hug that would somehow make everything okay…

Something hard hit her in the back, and splattered against her sweater. Rachel heard a crack, then another one, as something cold and slimy trickled down her arm. With a shock, she realized it was a raw egg – and that all twenty-six members of Vocal Adrenaline were coming out from behind the parked cars, pelting her with more. They had surprisingly good aim, she noted, as she closed her eyes to try and block out what was happening to her. Every time another egg made contact with her body, she winced.

"I hear you're a vegan, Berry. The souls of those poor egg fetuses are all on your conscience now." Rachel had never had anything against Andrea Cohen, the gorgeous female lead of Vocal Adrenaline, but now she loathed her. All around her, the rest of Vocal Adrenaline laughed. "Do it, Jesse."

Rachel noticed that Jesse was also holding an egg in his right hand. He stared down at it intently.

"Are you with us or not?" Andrea challenged, noticing Jesse's hesitation.

Jesse crossed the remaining space between them until he was standing right in front of her. "Do it," Rachel said, daring him to actually go through with it in her mind. "Break it like you broke my heart."

"I loved you." He broke the egg on her forehead, and it dripped down her face, cold and slimy.

A sob threatened to escape Rachel's throat, but she forced the tears not to fall. She would not give Vocal Adrenaline the satisfaction of seeing her cry. Instead, she held Jesse's gaze, as the rest of his team got into their shiny cars and drove off.

Rachel waited to see if he'd say something, now that his friends were gone, but Jesse said nothing. She watched as he too got into a black Range Rover and left the McKinley High parking lot.

Only then did Rachel let the tears fall, hard and fast. Not caring about her already ruined outfit, she dropped to her knees on the egg-covered asphalt, the hot tears stinging her cheeks. Burying her face in her hands, she cried and cried until she didn't think she could cry any more. She fooled herself when she discovered there were plenty more tears, saved up for so long, and for so many reasons.

Damn you, Jesse St. James, she thought. I trusted you with my heart – and this is how you repay me.

When the rest of New Directions find out about this, Rachel knew they won't just take it lying down. But even the thought of getting revenge on Vocal Adrenaline doesn't appease Rachel. All she could think about was Jesse's "I loved you."

I loved you too, Jesse. And look where that got me.

Rachel cried.

Rachel lies about her dreams – er, nightmares.

They are about the infamous "egging" incident, but not the way she's told her dads or New Directions. Angry mother hens do attack her, but that's not all that happens.

Every night without fail, when Rachel closes her eyes, she sees Jesse standing in front of her, egg in hand. Andrea Cohen eggs him on (no pun intended), telling him to do it. Every night, she sees him smash the egg on her forehead, saying "I loved you."

She'll never tell anyone, but this is worse than the mother hens.

The days tick down to Regionals. Even with their new Journey medley, Rachel's not sure they can beat Vocal Adrenaline. She knows she's not ready to see Jesse again.

Worse, she still misses him. Even after all the terrible, awful things he's done to her, Rachel still misses him. She misses walking to class with him, their fingers intertwined; movie nights at her house, curled up on the couch in the darkness, watching their favorite musicals and singing along; afternoons spent rehearsing in the auditorium, their voices soaring and twisting together, sounding like they've been singing together their whole lives; falling asleep in his arms, the sound of his heartbeat matching hers, feeling safe and warm and protected.

Rachel Berry misses Jesse St. James. More than she will ever admit.

And the thought of seeing him again at Regionals scares her half to death.

Regionals.

Mr. Schuester gives them all a pep talk before they go on. As Rachel and Finn separate from the rest of the group to get into their positions for the first song, Rachel feels confident. They've worked their butts off on these songs – there's no way they aren't ready. New Directions is going to win this thing.

(She hasn't seen Jesse yet.)

Finn walks up to her, even though they're supposed to enter from separate doors. "Break a leg," she tells him, smiling proudly.

"I love you," Finn blurts.

The beaming smile quickly drops from her face, replaced by a look of confusion. Did Finn really just say "I love you"? she thinks. Why did he choose now of all times to say it?

(She tries not to think about the last time she heard those words; it'll only throw her concentration.)

Luckily, the voice-over chooses that minute to announce New Directions. "Ladies and gentlemen, our second competitors, winners of the Central Ohio Sectionals, McKinley High's New Directions!"

The piano intro for "Faithfully" starts. Finn looks at her and smiles. She smiles back, because it's Finn and she'll always have a place in her heart for him.

Then Finn opens his door and steps out into the audience, and he's singing. And before she knows it, it's her cue, and she's out there, singing too. And it feels wonderful, and she doesn't know what on Earth she was so afraid of.

Shelby tells Vocal Adrenaline to stretch and do some vocal warm-ups while they wait to go on – their piece is long, and pretty much nonstop action. One Jesse St. James in particular should be heeding her advice, since almost their entire six-minute Queen number rests on his shoulders.

But New Directions is performing now, and he'll be damned if he's going to miss the chance to hear Rachel sing again. So he fakes a bathroom break and sneaks into the back of the auditorium, remaining hidden in the shadows.

Rachel sounds as amazing as ever. The duet for "Faithfully" is the perfect choice for her range, and she's hitting all the notes like she was born to sing them. Her partner, he can't help but notice, seems a little shakier on his part, not quite matching all the harmonies the way they should be. If he was singing the song with Rachel, Jesse thinks, it would be perfect.

(He didn't want to hurt her. Seeing her broken face after he smashed the egg on her forehead is something that will haunt him forever, or at least until he can somehow find a way to make it up to her.)

She's flawless on their mash-up of "Anyway You Want It" and "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'", though his blood boils when he sees her dancing with Finn Hudson. Watching them together makes Jesse want to scream. He's the only one allowed to touch Rachel like that.

(She probably hates him now for all he's done to her – and rightfully so – but he's still fiercely protective of the girl he will always think of as "his".)

"Don't Stop Believin'" is the only song where Finn actually sounds like her vocal equal, something that makes Jesse very happy. (They always sounded perfect together when they sang.) Unsurprisingly, New Directions gets a standing ovation, with thunderous applause. (Vocal Adrenaline will get more, though.)

As the applause continues, Rachel grins and wraps her arms around Finn's torso. He returns the hug, pulling her tiny body against him and hugging her tightly.

Shelby will be wondering what's taking him so long, so Jesse decides to head back.

(That image of Rachel in Finn's arms is burned into his brain, and he knows that it will take a miracle to erase how happy she looks, in the arms of a guy that's not him.)

"That was awesome!" Finn exclaims, as New Directions heads backstage to their dressing room area. His statement only voices the general mood of the club, which is exuberant and hopeful.

"We've got second place in the bag," Tina agrees, her face alive with the joy of performance.

"Screw that, we are gonna win this!" Rachel declares, following her friend down the stairs. The other guys spill down behind them, all cheering excitedly.

Quinn lags behind, clutching her swollen stomach. An older woman in a bright yellow skirt suit and pearls stops to talk to her. Rachel thinks this must be her mom, and smiles. She decides to let them talk, instead of dragging Quinn over to celebrate with the rest of the group.

Then Quinn's mom is telling Mr. Schuester that Quinn's water just broke, and they need to get her to a hospital now. And everyone's panicking, running after poor Quinn, who's starting to scream in pain from the contractions.

In the midst of all this chaos, Rachel has a tiny, selfish desire to stay at Regionals and watch Vocal Adrenaline – watch Jesse. No one will miss her, right? She's not even that close with Quinn.

That's what she keeps telling herself, as she stands in the back of the auditorium, trying to stay hidden, and waits for the announcer to call out Vocal Adrenaline.

"I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy."

Vocal Adrenaline's costumes are ridiculous, Rachel decides. Why on Earth are the girls wearing those God-awful pink and black showgirl dresses? And the pink shirts on the boys – with suspenders? Still, they can get away with their over-the-top costume choices – their singing is that good.

"Mama, just killed a man. Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger now he's dead."

Well technically, it's Jesse's singing that's so fantastic. The rest of Vocal Adrenaline seems to be just like backup singers to him – something that surprises Rachel, because Shelby didn't seem like the type to arrange an entire number (at Regionals, nonetheless) around one person. Still, she's not complaining. Jesse always sounds amazing.

The entire number switches from soft piano and low-key motion to upbeat tempo and crazy dancing at the drop of a hat. Their dance moves are incredible – anyone can see that. The crowd's really getting into it, waving glow sticks like at a rock concert. She hates to admit it, but even after their amazing performance, Rachel's not sure if New Directions can really win anymore.

(Watching Jesse dance with those Vocal Adrenaline girls tugs on something in Rachel's heart. She'll never admit it, but she wishes it was her he was dancing with like that.)

"Nothing really matters, anyone can see. Nothing really matters, nothing really matters, to me."

There's a moment, towards the end of the song, where Jesse looks out into the audience, and for a second, their eyes meet. In that second, all the pain and anger and hurt from his betrayal comes rushing back full force, overwhelming her.

Rachel slips out before the applause starts.

"Any way the wind blows…"

"Congratulations."

Ms. Corcoran looks up from her coffee. "Thanks, Rachel."

"But we beat you today." Rachel closes the door behind her and steps further into Vocal Adrenaline's dressing room. (She can't help but notice that it's a lot nicer than New Directions'.) "Jesse's a good singer, but you and I both know he doesn't have much heart." (Her statement has a double meaning, but if Ms. Corcoran catches it, she doesn't say anything.) "Vocal Adrenaline's best days are behind it. So I have a proposition for you. Come teach at McKinley."

"Excuse me?"

"You and Mr. Schuester could be co-directors. We'd be unstoppable." She moves forward some more, until she's standing nearly face to face with her mom. "There's so much you can teach me… so much only you can teach me."

Shelby sighs. "Oh Rachel, I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of coaching Glee club; I want a life. It took meeting you to realize all the stuff that I missed out on. I need some balance, you know? I need a house, and a garden, and a dog… a family." She pauses, meeting Rachel's eyes. "I missed out on my chance with you, and it kills me. And I can't let that happen again."

Slowly, letting the reality of the situation sink in, Rachel nods, then turns to leave. Behind her, Shelby sighs and stares at the ground.

"Where's the rest of your team?" she asks, as Rachel's hand pushes down on the door handle.

"They're uh, they're at the hospital. Quinn had her baby."

"Is she okay?"

"Yeah, she's fine. It was… it was a beautiful baby girl." With that, she opens the door and slips out, starting back towards New Directions' dressing room.

(She'd always sort of known the answer would be no.)

Jesse St. James doesn't do nervous. He's as cool as a cucumber, waiting with the rest of Vocal Adrenaline backstage as the judges vote. But eventually, he needs a drink of water – that Queen number, with all of his solos, was absolutely draining. There are bottles of water in Vocal Adrenaline's dressing room, so that's where he heads.

He does not expect to bump into Rachel Berry, coming out of their dressing room.

"What are you doing here?" Admittedly, out of all the things he could have said, that was not the best choice.

"I… I was talking to my mom," she says almost defiantly, lifting her chin as if daring him to say something nasty. Her brown eyes are bright, but Jesse can see the hurt and sadness hiding behind her façade. "And you? Shouldn't you be with your team?"

"I was thirsty. Shouldn't you be with your team?" He's surprised that they're having a semi-civilized conversation – in almost all of the scenarios he'd imagined for when they met again at Regionals, she yelled and threw something at his head.

"They're at the hospital. Quinn had her baby."

The rest of her team's at the hospital, but she stayed at Regionals. Why? he wonders.

(He's selfish enough to wish that it was for him, but after what he's done to her, he knows that can't be it.)

"Rach, I'm…"

"Don't call me that," she snaps, her eyes fierce with anger. "You forfeited that right when you smashed an egg on my forehead."

"Rachel, I'm sorry."

"Oh yeah? Well sorry doesn't cut it after what you did." She pushes her way past him impatiently, and he watches as she disappears down the hall and out of sight.

Only when he's returned to where the rest of Vocal Adrenaline are waiting does he realize he never got that water, but by then he doesn't even want it anymore.

(If he's being totally honest, the water was just a convenient excuse to find her.)

The next time Rachel sees Jesse again is not too long after bumping into him outside Vocal Adrenaline's dressing room. All three choirs are lined up on the stage, awaiting the judges' results. (Aural Intensity is in between New Directions and Vocal Adrenaline, thankfully.)

The crowd breaks into loud, whistling applause as the panel of judges – led by Coach Sylvester, who holds two envelopes – files onto the stage. "Thank you all for coming," she says into the mike. "As you all know, Glee club is such an important… and I honestly can't even finish that sentence. So let's just get to it." Rachel sees Mr. Schuester roll his eyes. That is just so Coach Sylvester. "The 2010 Midwest Regional Runners-Up… from Fort Wayne, Indiana, the not-at-all-stupidly-named Aural Intensity."

Aural Intensity, in their white dresses and suits, start screaming and jumping up and down, hugging each other. Rachel claps politely, while her heart beats fifty miles a minute in anticipation. Eventually, holding the second place trophy over their heads in celebration, Aural Intensity makes their way backstage. New Directions and Vocal Adrenaline move closer, filling the vacated gap, but still leaving about a foot of space between the two groups.

Coach Sylvester holds the mike up to her mouth, then hesitates for a moment. "And now, your 2010 Regional Show Choir champions…"

Everyone's holding their breath, squeezing each other's hands tightly. Rachel takes a minute to pray. Please, God. If there ever was a day for a miracle, it's today.

"…Vocal Adrenaline!"

Rachel stands, shell-shocked, as Vocal Adrenaline erupts into cheers – hugging each other, high-fiving, screaming and celebrating. She watches as Jesse pumps his fist in the air triumphantly, then pulls Ms. Corcoran into a crushing hug, as she tries to swallow the tears that threaten to fall at any second. Josh Groban hands him the enormous first place trophy, and the rest of Vocal Adrenaline lift him up onto their shoulders in celebration.

Meanwhile, Rod Remington crosses the stage and hands Mr. Schuester the much smaller, third place trophy with the ribbon pinned to it. Mr. Schue shakes his hand politely, saying nothing. In contrast to Vocal Adrenaline's excited celebration next to them, the general mood of New Directions is quiet and sober.

For the second time in about a week, Rachel knows what it feels like when your heart is breaking.

(This hurts, it really does. But Rachel wouldn't care quite as much about losing if she hadn't lost Jesse as well. The pain of both is what pushes her over the edge.)

There's a little party after the results are announced, in a room adjacent to the auditorium. Most of New Directions just leaves after the results, either to go see Quinn in the hospital or just to go home. Rachel, however, has some time to kill before her dads come pick her up, so she decides to spend it at the party. It's better than sitting outside like a loser, she figures.

As she surveys the room, Vocal Adrenaline's bright pink costumes are thankfully absent from the small sea of dressed-up teenagers milling around, talking and eating. She gets a plate of treats and a soda, and sits down at a table in the corner. Normally, Rachel's not one for bingeing on junk when something bad happens, but there's nothing else left at this point.

She's peeling the wrapper off her third chocolate cupcake when someone slides into the seat across from her. Someone in a very familiar bright pink shirt and suspenders.

"Go away, Jesse." Even after all of the day's events, she can't bring herself to yell at him, though she should.

"Rachel…"

Since she can't yell at him, she settles for sarcasm. "What more do you want from me? You already took my heart, my mom, and my Regionals trophy. Do you want my car, too?"

"You don't have a car," he replies softly, pulling his chair closer to hers.

"So then what? Did you come over to gloat about how Vocal Adrenaline beat us?"

"Why do you keep thinking I'm going to hurt you?"

"Because every time I trust you, I end up getting hurt."

He sighs, and reaches up to brush a lock of hair out of her face. The slight contact when his fingertips meet her skin sends her body into sensory overload, and she closes her eyes, because it feels so good when he touches her…

And then she remembers that she's supposed to hate him now, and she pushes his hand away. "Don't touch me!" she snaps, finding the strength to yell for once.

She has to get out of here. That much is clear. Being semi-alone in his presence for too long is dangerous. Abruptly pushing back her chair, she storms out of the party, pushing past celebrating members of other choirs, her heels clicking like gunshots on the floor.

Rachel runs and runs until she thinks she's put enough distance between her and Jesse. This journey takes her out to the front of the building, by the parking lot, which is half-full with parked cars. Sinking down onto a bench on the sidewalk, Rachel shivers slightly, wishing she was back in the warm building instead of outside, where it's starting to get dark and cold. But she'd rather freeze than go back in there and face Jesse.

"Rachel!" She flinches when she hears his voice, praying that her ears are deceiving her. But no, as she turns around she sees Jesse standing behind her, a desperate look on his face.

"Go. Away."

"No." He sits down next to her, and she immediately moves down to the opposite end of the bench. "Rachel, I know I've hurt you. And I know you'd be a fool to trust me again. But I love you, Rachel Berry, and I always will. You can't imagine how much I regret the things I've done."

"Then why did you do them in the first place?" she counters.

Jesse sighs, rubbing his forehead. "After I met you in the music store, Shelby asked me to help you find her. I agreed, because I thought it would be a good acting exercise. I never expected to fall in love with you. When I went back to Carmel, Andrea and the others forced me to say all those awful things to you, to prove my loyalty to Vocal Adrenaline. They were the ones who decided to egg you."

"You could've backed out. You didn't have to smash the egg on my forehead. But you did."

"But I didn't want to! I knew the rest of the team would never trust me if I backed out. Rachel, believe me when I say that seeing your face after I broke the egg just about killed me."

"Why should I believe you? All you've done since I met you is lie to my face."

"I lied about Shelby. But all the rest of our relationship was real, Rachel, I promise. That part wasn't a lie."

"Still… I can't trust you. And I don't trust myself when I'm around you." She stands up, trying to leave, but he grabs her wrist and pulls her to him.

"Rachel, don't do this to me."

Out of the corner of her eye, Rachel sees her dads' dark blue BMW turn into the parking lot. "I'm sorry, Jesse, but you've hurt me too many times. To let you do it again… well, I'd be an absolute moron."

"But I won't hurt you! I promise! Rachel, I love you!"

"That's what you said the first time." She forces herself to forget about the 'I love you' part. He probably doesn't mean it anyway.

(She won't look at his face, because she's afraid she'll see that she was wrong.)

"Goodbye, Jesse St. James." It takes every ounce of her strength to say that in the cool tone it deserves, and to not look back at him as she walks to her dads' car and opens the backseat door.

"How was your competition, sweetie?" Hiram Berry inquires.

"Could've been better," Rachel offers weakly, closing her eyes and resting her head against the headrest.

"Did you see Jesse?" Leroy Berry asks.

Rachel bites her bottom lip, debating whether to spill or not. "Well, obviously I saw him perform with the rest of Vocal Adrenaline, but besides that… no."

Some day, when the anger and pain from his betrayal are healed-over scars and not fresh open wounds, she'll be able to tell the truth. But until then, she'll lie.

(If you lie for long enough, the lies become a shield, a mask, until you can't tell lies from truth, and then you start to believe them.)

Author's Note: So what did you think?

The next chapter will be something of an overview, covering Rachel's last two years of high school and Jesse's first two years of college. Then we'll get to the real meat of the plot.

Reviews, of course, are my lifeblood. I'm dying to know if I got them in-character, which was a big part of why I slaved over this for so long (and wound up making it so long), so please tell me. And, as always, the more reviews I get, the more motivation I have to update faster.

- Authoress