Summary: If I could have made Bella's choices for her, things would be WAY different. Humor/Parody story. Major Edward bashing, so read at your own risk if you are a fan of him. Great for Jacob fans!

Chapter One
Meeting Edward

I'd never given much thought as to how I would die. Thinking about such things is emotionally and spiritually unhealthy, and it would mean I have mental issues.

Oh, a quick description of me. I have a fear of blood. I'm extremely pale, almost albino looking. I have brown hair. I'm a very average person—except with the amount of books I read. I am the most horrible klutz in the whole world. I totally lack hand-eye coordination. I'm not much of a do-er, I'm more of a thinker. I get good grades, too.

My story begins when I moved to Forks, Washington (the rainy place) to stay with my Dad, Charlie (the chief of police).

So my first day at school was interesting to say the least. I wasn't two steps onto the property when an eager kid came running up to me, chattering, "You're Isabella Swan, right? I'm Eric! I'm here if you need anything—guide, lunch date, shoulder to cry on…I'm with the paper—and YOU are front page news, baby!"

"A new student is front page news?" I asked. "Wow. Don't you guys do anything around here?" He stopped chattering.

"Why don't you do a feature about… I don't know… stingy donating families who are trying to ensure their students reputation instead of fixing the leaky gym?" I made this idea up on the spot.

"That's a GREAT idea!" Eric cried. Then he turned around and left.

"Wow," I mumbled. "Okay then. I was about to tell him I prefer suffering in silence, too…"

My first few classes went okay, but when it came time for PE, things weren't going so well. I suck at volleyball. After a dozen failed attempts, I finally hit the ball—but it sailed out of bounds and nearly knocked some kid unconscious.

"Hey," he said, approaching me. "You're Isabella Swan, right?"

"Just Bella," I corrected. "And I'm really sorry I hit your head. I told them to not let me play. I suck."

"No, no, that's OK... I'm Mike," he replied, grinning ear to ear.

"Uh…" I wondered why he was smiling. "How hard did I hit you?"

Suddenly one of the other girls, Jessica, came running up. "She's got a great spike, huh?" she chortled. "I'm Jessica by the way. Hey, I have a question—you're from Arizona, right? Aren't people from Arizona supposed to be like—really tan?"

"No." I replied. "That's a stereotype." No response, just stares. "It's like this," I tried to explain, "It's like people thinking EVERYONE from Forks is freakishly white. Look at you, Jessica. You've got an awesome tan. I'm jealous. Anyways. Nice meeting you. BYE!" feeling awkward, I turned and trotted away.

When lunch time rolled around, I sat with Mike, Jessica, Eric, and two others named Angela and Tyler. "Whats up!" I said cordially. I glanced up and noticed a family of five walking in. They were all deathly pale and pretty darn sexy. "Who are they?" I asked.
Jessica introduced them as Alice and Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie, and lastly, Edward. Edward, Alice, and Emmett were the Cullen siblings. Rosalie and Jasper Hale were twins. Alice and Jasper were a couple, Rosalie and Emmett were a couple, and Edward was single. They all lived together because they were foster kids—and their Dad, Dr. Carlisle Cullen, played matchmaker.

"I bet they're really nice though." I said. I noticed Edward staring me down as if I were bubble gum stuck to his shoe. I glanced at him several times, flattered at the attention, but wondering why he looked angry. Finally, I mouthed, "WHAT?" I threw my hands in the air. He looked away quickly.

When Biology came, it turned out Edward was my seat partner. He glanced at me when I walked in, and then twitched as if someone stabbed him. When I sat down, he covered his mouth as if I smelled bad.

"Hi?" I asked. No answer. He handed me supplies for the lab we were about to do. "What is your PROBLEM?" I whispered. He didn't answer, he only looked away. I smelled my hair—nope! Wasn't me! Five minutes later, he was glowering at me. His look was hungry like a dog and intense like a murderer.

"I am NOT a piece of meat," I said, loudly. He looked away.

"Is there a problem?" asked the teacher. I had interrupted his lecture.

"There SHOULDN'T be," I said crisply, looking at Edward. I do NOT appreciate being looked at like that. I didn't have any problems with him after that—the bell rang pretty soon. And then, believe it or not, later I found him in the office trying to change out of his Biology class. So he just doesn't like me. Oh well. I don't like him either!

After a few days of absence, Edward appeared in Biology looking friendly. "Hi!" he said. "I haven't been able to properly introduce myself. I'm Edward Cullen."

"Oh, NOW you're being nice?" I asked, miffed. "Well, better late then never. I'm Bella. Pleased to meet you. Would you pass the microscope please?"

"Sure." And he did. "So why did you move to Forks?"

Wow. Friendly—and nosy—conversation. "My mom remarried," I explained.

"You don't like the guy?" he asked.

"Phil's super nice," I added, "But they're newlyweds. I thought'd it be a perfect time to bow out and spend time with Charlie—my dad. That way they can move around and do whatever they want."

"How do you like the rain?"

"I love the rain," I replied. "And you're in luck, because I know this lab by heart. That's prophase."

"Mind if I check?" he asked.

"Fine," I said shortly.

When the bell rang, he walked me out of class. I tried to walk a little faster, but he kept up with me. He kept asking about my mom and Phil. It was kind of annoying—he acted as if he was irritated with me the whole time. Plus his eyes were a different color. UNCANNY.

"Did you get contacts?" I asked.

"It's the florescence," he replied.

"No it isn't," I frowned. "Lights don't change your eyes from black to gold. Plus it's the exact same kind of lights in the Biology room. You don't have to lie to me, I was JUST ASKING." With that, I turned my back on him and got into my locker. He stomped away like an irritated toddler.

~~~