Jaspers Pov

Diclaimer: I do not own anything. Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight

A/N While writing this I listened to Deary Agony by Breaking Benjamin

I sat in our room, playing a slow piece on my guitar. I used to play it when I was with the others in civil war. Some parts of this piece were really sad, but they gave me hope. And that's what I need now.

It has been just yesterday when I had slipped again. A little girl, maybe 5. She has been in the animal park in the forest around Forks.

I was hunting... I felt only speed, thirst, power and thirst again. But suddenly this scent. I couldn't resist. I ran, my legs not moving fast enough for my mind. Then I was finally there. My theese rammed in the soft flesh and a warm gush of blood pooled in my mouth. But here body was dry way too fast.

Then a restaining hand grabbed my shoulder from behinde. It was Carlisle. He looked at me with his eyes pleading for me to say that this wasn't true. Propally my eyes were red by now. Carlisle still gazed at me. I couldn't bear it. Instinctly I grabbed his hands and took them not as gentle as I wanted to off my shoulders. He looked at me with worried eyes and asked me to follow him.

When we came in the house, I remained in the doorway, my head bowed in shame. Why me? It's always me who has to do that. When I still didn't look up Alice gently took my hand. She caressed me and then held them gently over the place where my heart should beat. I knew waht she meant. I'm here for you. But as I felt that there was nothing beating in me I just couldn't help it. A wave of grief and reget flew across the room. It had hit. There was nothing beating inside me. I didn't have a beating heart. Mine was cold as ice and motionless as a stone. How could somebody love with an unbeating heart. How could somebody be loved without this. I looked up in Alice's eyes. Then I turned away. I would run. I would run from myself. I would run from memories and my past. The only problem, how do you run from yourself. I was only out the door and at the edge of the forest surrounding the house when I heard Carlisle sent Emmet after me. But I wanted time alone. Time to think about me failing. When noticed the rush of air behinde me. I turned around and saw Emmet coming behinde me. "Just let me alone, bro!" "Oh come on Jasper, it happens to everyone now and then.", he said grinning.

" Don't you thing that everytime it happens it is one time to much. I killed a human."

"But we hunt animals too. Just come home with me." He tried to talk reason into me.

"Em, humans have minds, past and future, they can remember!" I snapped, and much too guiet for him to hear, I added, "and I can, too."

With that I ran deeper into the forest, leaving Emmett behinde me.

After about an half hour of storming around the forest, I noticed something...I wan't tired. A humen would have puffled by now, would have a fast heartbeat. But me, I still didn't feel anything. I was too strong for those small fragil humans. In every film there was something that could stopp the big bad monster. But this was reallity, I was a vampire and no human could bring me down.

I'm a monste, I deserve to die. I'm a monster I deserve to die... I kept repeating in my head. That would be best. Or would it. No it would not. When I died Alice would be alone, the family would be broken. I couldn't do that, it would be kind of selfish. I had to find an other way, I had to control myself...

This was my first Fanfic so please don't be too hard. If you see any big writing misstakes please tell me.

*cough* reviews would be nice*cough*

RedEyedGirl21 x