Chapter 1

I'm standing in the small room at the Seattle Community Center, sweating as I punch and kick the punching bag with all my might. Melanie, everyone's dream version of me, is back in town for our family reunion. I hate Melanie. For my whole life it's been Melanie and Samantha (now it's Sam. If anyone except a cop or judge calls me Samantha I'll beat them into next week). Melanie's always the perfect child. She's nice, pretty, and smart and will have the corny dream life people in movies had but it's not realistic.

My mom even made me start doing pageants so I would feel just as pretty as Melanie was. And Melanie had no talent, hehe. But on the inside, I still wasn't like Melanie at all. Everyone who spent at least ten minutes with me knew that. That's probably why they thought I pushed Leanne Carter down at the pageant back when I was seven. People just adored Melanie, everyone did. I didn't like people knowing I had a twin. They always liked Melanie more, and would only call me if they needed to break in somewhere. Lucky for me, Melanie moved with our dad to New York in second grade so Carly didn't even know I had a twin for two years. I thought that if Carly knew about Melanie she wouldn't wanna hang out with me, and just be pen pals with Melanie. But by that time, I was best friends with Carly and figured my best friend needed to know about the girl in New York who looked just like me.

We don't have a family reunion often, but Buzz, Maggie, Garth, Morris, and Carmine just got off parole so we have to celebrate that. And for once in my whole life, none of my family I know is in jail or house arrest. Well my uncle Duke was still on probation, for illegally altering contracts, but nobody's ever said the Pucketts are normal. Maybe we're related to Bonnie or Clyde somehow. What were their last names? Were they real people?

I hear the door open but I ignore it. People that normally come in to use the weight sets know to ignore me and not to come close enough for me or the bag to hit them. I turn around and see Freddie there. Hmm…I must have dorkdar. "Hey Fredderly"

"Hey you okay?"

"Yeah you know I love hitting things. Why are you here?"

"I just back from fencing. Oh and I know about your love for hitting things" he said lifting his sleeve so I could see the huge bruise I left on his arm a couple days ago

"Heh yeah…"

"No but seriously you look like something's wrong with you"

"What?" I laughed. I was fine, perfectly fine.

"Yeah your face it's…it's kinda freaky"

"Your face is always freaky!" I couldn't help making fun of him. When he set himself up for it, that was his own fault. There was nothing wrong with taking advantage of people who were stupid. They had to learn their own mistakes.

He laughed, "Okay I walked into that. But really, is something wrong with you?"

"Yeah, I should've known you'd know something's wrong with me. Wanna know how I know?"

"How?"

"Cuz so much stuff is wrong with you, its second nature to know when oddness is around"

"I should have seen that coming too. So what's up?"

"Nothing"

"You just said something was up" he said stepping closer

"Dude you don't wanna get close to me. For one, I'm sweating like a hog"

"And cuz you'll punch me"

"Yes I will. You'll be knocked down from my fist, the stank bubble around me, or maybe both"

"Come on, you can't stink that bad"

"Oh really? Smell my pit!" I shouted lifting my arm

"Whoa! No thank you!"

"Seriously you smell it?"

"Yeah whoa!" he yelled, holding his nose and stepping backwards

I put my arm down and went to my gym bag against the wall for deodorant and perfume. "Ah here we go!" I said pulling out several deodorants, perfumes, and lotions

"Think you got enough?"

"I dunno, you think I got enough sweat?" I asked lifting my arm

"More than enough" he said airing the air near his nose away

I rubbed the clinical strength first, then the berry mix, then more clinical strength, then orchid smelling. He laughed to himself looking at me put on deodorants, lotions, and perfumes on almost religiously. I threw a little bottle of lotion at him and asked "What?"

"I've just never seen you put on so many perfumes all at once. Actually…I've never seen you put on perfume"

"Well now you have. I'm a girl after all"

"I know you're a girl. You're just not a girly girl worrying if you smell really good"

"Well I stank really badly"

"Yeah you did," he laughed

"Melanie's in town" I said not knowing what else to say but not wanting him to leave for some weird, unknown reason

"Oh really? You're doing the Melanie thing again? You already told me Melanie doesn't exist and you can't trick me" he said sitting across from me

"Okay first of all, I lied to shut you up about the whole thing. Second, Melanie's real, she's in town for a family reunion. Third, I can totally trick you!"

"Prove Melanie's real"

"Alright come on," I said getting up

"Where are we going?" he asked following me outside to wait on a bus

"Puckett Family Reunion"

"I'm going to your family reunion?"
"My last name's Puckett isn't it?"

"Why am I going with you?"

"Cuz Buzz, Maggie, Garth, Morris, and Carmine just got off parole. And for once no one is arrested or on house arrest. My uncle Duke, the lawyer who got arrested, he's still on probation though"

"Am I gonna be hurt in any way?"

"No, as long as I can help it, you won't be"

"Really?"

"Yeah, I know that if I let you get hurt, not like how I hurt you, but how my family would, your mom would have me arrested. My family would be arrested again too, your mom wouldn't let you see me anymore I bet, we wouldn't be able to do iCarly anymore, and Carly would get mad at me for letting that happen"

"Ah okay. Again, why do I have to go?"

"Cuz Melanie's gonna be there"

"Wow wonder how you're gonna be in two places at once"

"You'll learn Fredward. You know why?"

"Why?"

"Cuz I'm right, I've always been right, I always will be right. Never forget that"

"You haven't always been right"

"I let you be right that one time when you were convinced Melanie doesn't exist. But accidentally, I've never been wrong. I always win"

"You have so been wrong"

"I was right about what mpeg stands for, by the way, how was having my lovely face on your arm?"

"Terrible, my mom took me to a tattoo removal doctor, was there for three hours, only to find out that it was fake ink. Then my mom still had my arm tested to make sure your cousin didn't have an infected needle or ink and gave me hepatitis"

"Want another one? I bet Annie will be there"

"No thanks"

"I was right when I told you I could read the Penny Treasure, cover to cover, in a week. I was right when I told you Carly would never love you. I was right about that awful Missy trying to get rid of me. I was right when I said that horrible Valerie tried to get rid of us on iCarly for her stupid webshow"

"I can't believe I dated her"

"She used you, that wasn't really dating"

"Well yeah but still"

"You know what? I looked on her website the other day, it only had that one episode where the TV screwed up and fell on her. The episode had one star, over 300 comments all trashing her, including some from school after they heard she used you and tried to get us to go to her site"

He laughed as we got on the bus to the park. "Ha! She doesn't even deserve one star! What about when you licked the swing set? I was right about that"

"Oh come on, I was eleven, I didn't know swing sets could make me puke for five days" I said as we sat in a seat next to each other

"I was still right. Every time I went to the park when I was little, my mom watched me like a hawk to make sure my mouth didn't get close to anything there"

"Okay one thing"

"What about when you ate that raw meat and got the parasites?"

"I was listening to my growling belly, why would I listen to you?"

"Cuz I offered to buy you something or cook the meat for you if you were so hungry you'd eat raw hamburger meat"

"You did?"

"Yeah you must not have been listening in the hospital when I told you I said that"

"You was at the hospital? I was pretty out of it" I couldn't believe he not only went to the hospital with me, but he offered to cook for me, free of charge. How did I not hear him offer free, cooked, meat?

"Yeah I called 9-1-1 and rode with you to the hospital. I called Spencer and Carly, but they were still in Yakima and couldn't be home for a couple more hours. Then I called my mom and your mom. Then after I was able to see you, I sat beside you and told you I was gonna make you a huge plate of bacon, anyway you like it, except raw"

"I don't think I got the bacon," I said trying to cover my surprise for what he did. Maybe he was lying. Nah, he couldn't lie to save his life. Literally, his inability to lie got us tied to chairs and each other by escaped convicts.

"I'll make you the bacon today"

"Thanks, I want it extra crispy, but not burnt, and moderately greasy"

"Extra crispy, not burnt, moderately greasy, okay I think I got it"

"You better"